And may you believe us or may you not, - yet life started adjusting and correcting itself after events these terrifying. And as if regained consciousness people, and awakened, and came this PPP to its ultimate end. And started living peacefully with each other once again, with kids, and husbands and wives their time sharing. And days became longer, and nights shorter, and cocks started singing once again, and hens eggs were bringing, and rats ran away and got lost somewhere. Remembered well people that lesson dreadful, and threw away all PPPs from their souls, living justly.
Yep, so it was all exactly like that as we, men Kirill and Mefodiy, have told you here ! And not a single bit did we muddle events of the days of the past, only probably a little in details most insignificant dispersed – but that could happen to everyone, yes ? And whether you trust us or not – is not the business of ours, for the business of ours we have already fulfilled right now, - and the business of yours is to read all this, to think over it, and get rid of all those PPPs once and for all !
22.09.2012
Sign of the Way
Dirt. Slush. Dampness. Decay’s smell. Water, dripping from a ceiling.
It used to be here so for a time being. No one was ever going to fix this cellar, and it was unimportant for inhabitants of this house - totally and irreversibly. They, too, were unimportant for those tenants, not to anyone, not to anybody.
Only few ones aided them, responded to their requests … immensely simple requests, so easy for these rich tenants. To give some money - as little as they can, as much as impossible. To bring a small piece of bread - for they were starving to the death.
Practically nobody ever helped. So few ones.
Why? Why? Why?
What an immense amount of boldness was required for them in order to address someone! To plead for help in the condition, in which they were for now, to stand against a gaze, full of hatred and contempt.
What for did men despise them? For, when their father died and mother passed away from this world as well, having choked in some furious illness, for, when this has happened, government expropriated their apartment from them - so totally young, and since then they have been doomed to wander through court yards and cellars, by hook or by crook finding even a single piece of bread? Stealing so seldom, so much often - just to beg. To plead for help, for aid with something - what can be given, can be spared. They were left with a last possibility of survival - a sincere human request, addressing hearts of men … But almost no one ever dared to help.
Once again they gathered here today, in a stuffy and dirty cellar - best option, which they have managed to find during last months. Gathered to discuss results of the day - to share what it was possible to find with each other. If it was possible, that’s it.
They didn’t conceal anything from each other, didn’t hide, referring to adverse circumstances - shared all they have managed to get. They, who have been struggling against such deprivations, had no knowledge of contempt and egoism, they aided one another … They - two brothers and a sister. Two sixteen-year old teenagers and fourteen-year girl.
For almost three years they have been living that way. How it was possible, as much as they could. They have already sustained three years of such life - how much is left for them in the storehouse of life ? A month, a year, a decade? Nay, it’s better not to think of that, not in that direction. Period.
The obstinate reason made one feel uneasy, was running in circles time and again - even now. Tried to create rescue plans, to calculate possibilities to jump out of this dark and dirty fetid hole into the living world. To leave this excuse for a world behind, and enter a new and pure one, not its pity caricature.
No matter what, they were left to explore this type of world for now on. Only that pitiful one. But what will be with all those noble causes and fulfillments, of which they have dreamed so often in long-forgotten childhood, what is going to be with all them? Will they be lost? Or will find the inner strength to survive?
Must survive.
They have to survive for their dreams to be realized - their pure dreams must survive in hearts of theirs for them to survive-– so that they can live on as men. Dying is not an option, both cases. They will survive. And implement their light dreams afterwards.
His reflections were suddenly interrupted by a soft and high pitched voice - one of his sister, who have just come running from street. Entered this poor excuse for a home.
- Pasha, Pasha, take a look at what I’ve found today. Come to me, please come closer!
He took a look. There was an apple pie in her hands - a big apple pie. Already slightly dried up and soiled, with a large part which have been bitten off. She yearned, poor soul …
- Vanya, Pasha, take it. Take it all. I have already eaten, was given food. A wonderful kind grandmother, single such one for many ladder flights. Only one. She gave me warm and sweet-sweet tea with jam. Can you imagine? Never in my life since the death of our mum and pa have I eaten such yum-yum. She allowed me to eat some pies, and when I have told her that I have two brothers as well, she has been searching for something for quite a while, distressed. And then she told me that for now she practically have nothing more as a food for you, for she is no more able to walk freely, and her sons buy and bring her meals. A pie, this very pie - she said that she has baked it herself, and for now that’s everything she has to give you. She gave me that for you, and then told that if I am either hungry or terrified, I can return to her once more - and she will warm and feed me. That’s it. These are great news!
While she, distorting and eating words, has been chattering all that, he approached her and silently sat down nearby. Took a glance at her - she was shivering. Then he embraced her and pushed to himself. Let she be warmed, calmed down. She’s good fellow, brought some meal. That was rarely possible even for both of them. A good fellow.
“You are the good fellow”, - he told her. She smiled. “I did my best”, - he heard.
Now, now they are going to eat to be warmed. Their organisms will obediently take offered food and transform it into a heat. It should suffice for today - and tomorrow they must repeat it all from the very beginning.
And every day is so much the same. A month? A year? A decade?
With no visible option to escape this circle. It, certainly, exists, - yet he’s unable to find it. But he will find, most surely will. For their own sake, for the sake of his younger brother and little sister - an escape route will be found, a breach will be located. He’s obliged to locate it.
Slowly did drops drip from a ceiling. Time hung heavy. He was sitting and reflecting … remembering his former carefree life. How much he’s missing it now! They all are missing the caress of parents, their kindness and care. Life forced them to become totally-totally adult very early, being thrown away from a childhood. It was necessary for some mysterious reason … Was required …
To teach them not to be afraid of deprivations? To help them be kinder and tolerant to men, especially now, when so few of them were ever going to behave the same in return? To make them understand the pain and burden of others, same as they are?
Probably. Most certainly.
But from this endless stream of vital lessons he, seemingly, learned at best a lesson of compassion and mutual aid - he could never imagine his life without an aid to his brother and little sister. He was obliged to aid them get out from this hole. Help them …
In this very instant of time his little sister somehow amusingly smacked one’s lips, and turned to another side, still holding the edge of his jacket in her small hands. He turned around and once again covered her p let the foolish cold doesn’t disturb her at least in her dreams …
They didn’t even have a tiny possibility to earn some money - to earn with their, though childish, but totally selfless work. It would become as such if he managed to find some job at last. But never in his condition was it possible.
No one, nobody gave them a job - they were almost immediately thrown away at first sight. “Pe
ople”, - he was compelled to shout to all those men, giving clips and punches, decorated maidens, fastidiously screwing up their faces, and starting to whisper something to those men quickly after his first appearing before them, - “people! Why do you drive me away, leaving with no possibility to get out of this terrible hole, in which I have sunk? I am trying to jump away from it, trying to change my life! I am not even begging anything from you - I’m simply trying to earn something, even for a meal. Why do you despise me so? You don’t even know, you have totally no idea of all those burdens and deprivations which I along with my brother and little sister had to sustain! You, whether you know, I wonder, how’s that - to live with no roof over a head, with no place which you can call home … to live the way I do … to live, being ready in each new day to cease living, having simply died from hunger? Do you have a slightest idea of this life’s taste? Have no desire to know? I, too, have none - totally - but had to feel it on my own lips. I had to. And now I can make nothing … Almost nothing.”
Do I indeed can make totally nothing … is that really so? Cause if … if a constant source of food and heat won’t be found soon - they will be lost. Will die … and … that’s all?
If he’s unable to earn … something … a bit … then … his little sister will have to … have to …
Nay, no, no way! Damn reason, shut up, shut up, shut up!
That will never happen! Never! I won’t admit it! Break myself about thresholds, begging for work - but won’t admit it!
After all, she, Nina, could become a true princess … a sunray for a lot of people - she, since her very birth, she had a talent to play life … playing it so lovely, so naturally. She has been living almost like a child even now in that cacophony of their life. She could become a wonderful actress - actress of life … various life … uneasy life.
And he along with his brother could help a lot of people, teaching them to value what is being given to them by life, to appreciate any blessing, any help … to respond to the request, a sincere human request … not to allow one’s hearts to freeze …
Water, slowly dripping from a ceiling. Peep of rats behind a wall. Two boys and a girl, nestled to each other. Sleeping. What is awaiting them the next day?
Next five hundred sixty seven days …
* * *
A pen, being put aside. Sheets of paper, piled upon each other. He will continue his work tomorrow - continue writing. He still has much to tell people.
A still young man with a strange for random passer by radiant sight left his table. Yes, he’s going to continue the work he devoted himself to tomorrow.
He reflected for a moment and smiled. How lovely and natural her sister was! She has been living that way even now, living as a child, still capable to take care of her and others. She has been living like that even now, when troubles and misfortunes of their past have been overcome, having left a large hem in a memory. Slowly healing hem.
Have all lessons been learned? Is the meaning of his life’s events been understood? Were answers, given to the questions, asked by life itself, honorable and wise? Questions, asked more than ten years ago … Much has been understood and comprehended, but even more is awaiting him on his road. And he’ll try to analyze results of his selections, comprehend own errors. He’ll make it in the book - his first book. No, in their common book - book of their life. Two brothers and a sister.
His sister called him yesterday by phone. Her voice was, as always, melodious and joyful. A lovely voice of dear person. Yes, she rejoiced her new life. Was indeed happy. She was granted a new role in a remarkable film - a role of a gentle wife and loving mother, the one, which she so perfectly carries out now in her own family. In a family with no insult and hatred ever possible, one without mistrust and self-interest, with a light and air of freedom, gentle aroma of love and mutual aid and assistance, trust, gratitude and kindness - where all that is present as a basis, a core. She’s truly happy in that family of hers - she always spoke so … shared her joy in their meetings.
He’s happy as well, in his new work.
Only his brother doesn’t send news for quite a while. Never mind, he’ll sure will, when return from abroad. He’s now a businessman, influential one and a man of action - largest magnates of a country listen to his opinion. Yet this sort of power hasn’t spoiled him, he - all they - were given a lesson of deprivations for a reason. It made them kinder and wiser, despite the obstacles, in spite of the barriers.
Now each of them implements his own dream. Just as they once dreamed …
Someone will probably say, that it’s a miracle and shed a few tears with a joy in own eyes. Somebody will be wrinkled mistrustfully, having muttered that all this “story” of his own life, embodied in a book, have much in common with a ridiculous fairy tale and silly fictions. Some will thank him for an advice. Some will start applying advices in own life. And he himself will name it - a Trial, a life’s test. A test, symbolizing the beginning of new ones … each and every day.
Is that truly a miracle that after almost five years of wanderings, they at last managed to be arranged in some circus to look after animals, and when some unknown actress left the group, attention of circus managers were suddenly turned to his little sister, to her live and childish spontaneity … to her unspeakable beauty in that spontaneity?
And then there were years - years of hard work. So very different years.
He’s been made a gymnast - along with his natural dexterity he coped perfectly with that role. His brother has been taught to juggle. Their sister began to conduct shows. This was the beginning of their new life’s journey.
Is that really a miracle that his sister soon became an actress - and her charm and sincere beauty have brought her a world’s fame?
Whether that a miracle that his brother, having saved a small fortune, opened a business, which has grown into the largest transnational company?
Whether that a miracle that, wishing with all his heart to seek answers to life questions, to learn himself and to teach others making right choices, - became a writer ?
He won’t name it a miracle, he’ll call it a Sign - a sign of the way. His and their way - a way which they must - have been obliged to - pass to become the ones they have become.
To cope with challenges. To feel no fear of obstacles. To believe in fine dreams, to implement them in one’s life. To become a Man, a man with a capital letter.
To be him.
15.05.2011
Thirtieth day
The thirtieth day …
Yes, the thirtieth day has passed since he has got here. Into his new home. HOME.
The frozen tongue refused to pronounce this painfully familiar and once causing an anxious delight and joy word. How unimaginably new it now sounded in consciousness !
Despair. Despair, dimming the mind.
Tears – what about ? Maybe of those long time gone and irrevocable days of simple man’s happiness ? Of sonorous men's voices and happy children's smiles ? Of a united family, which he was eager to have ?
“Father” … He has, actually, never heard this wonderful sound – and will never hear it now. NEVER. The mind gloatingly hinted, that this is so – it can be no other way. But the heart, the heart, which have suffered so many torments and suffering – his heart refused to believe that. It always refused to trust in pain and grief. Always. Or … until the 30-days old events only ?
And still … nevertheless, it’s his new home for now, no matter how blasphemously this word would now sound.
A street. Almost constantly locked up at night doors of buildings. City dumps, where it was seldom possible to find some sort of food …
No, no, NO !! This cannot be with me, only not with me ! Why, why, why ?!
Silence. Deadly silence. Silence of night. Words have left a withered throat into a darkness of night and have died out in a far distance.
There is no response. He will have to search for answers himself.
Then – weakened, wasted, with
scars all over his body – traces of struggle against colleagues by misfortune and city’s thugs, with a face, covered by purulent scabs, - he has fallen to the ground. He hasn’t even noticed, how suddenly the earth approached and his body, having hit it with dull sound, kept lying motionlessly …
* * *
… He did neither remember, nor know, how many time has passed. And, probably, didn’t even want to. What’s the reason ? To find livelihood and a lodging for the next night – were his needs not limited by this only ?
Then he opened his eyes. Tried to move – and desperately screamed from a sharp pain and a bloody haze in his eyes – a hand, his right hand. The one, which has rescued him time and again in fights on dark alleys for a piece of bread, the one which helped him to sometimes open not too qualitatively made locks of city buildings – he felt it no more. Totally, completely. A bone fracture, a dislocation ? Most probably a dislocation and a pain shock, which has followed it … that’s good. Could be worse – much worse.
We will make it. We will survive, reason – I tell you !
Hospital ? What hospital are you suggesting me to go for, reason ? And was it not you, my accidental witness, of how hundreds of people during those thirty days expelled me and threw me away from public transport, how teenagers mocked me angrily, how adults unfriendly mowed and how young girls turned away from me with such an expression on their faces, as if they have just seen the nastiest thing in their life ?
There is no place for me in the world of those ones. No more a place.
Aaarrrgggghhh … no, stop it ! Only not those images, only not them ! Memory, my obliging aunt who has been serving to me so right earlier, - what sort of malicious joke are you going to play with me ?! Stop it, I beg you ! I have already submitted to my fate ! I have put up with it – do you hear me ? I had !
On the Wings of Hope : Prose Page 8
