Only one thing truly disturbs me at times, my dear laymen. Something burns down inside my breast somewhere from time to time, and hurts, and aches. And so vile it becomes inside my soul, that I am almost ready to howl on a moon from that intolerable grief! Or dreams come to me of nature demonic, dreadful, so that I cannot sleep at all. But then is passes, thanks the God! It must be conscience, they say, yet do not believe I in the presence of it much, for what for must a man possess it while there are so many temptations lying around? Is that really a voice of our soul, given to us by the God? It only disturbs me, silly one!
Poof, I guess I have become too frank to you, and have told you more that I should already. Have exposed my innards before you, so to say. And, because I have made it, I should now burn this note to ashes as soon as I calm down. For what is the reason for you to keep believing in us and us only and to read similar confessions, aye? Definitely to the detriment of your belief in our self-chosen hierarchy would that be! So will I burn it all tomorrow, burn it I will, and dispel the ashes on the wind without hesitation. And once again will I be pure like a newborn baby, and almost holy will I be!
… Oh, but why does the conscience keeps burning inside me so that I cannot sleep?
18.09.2012
Real trifle
He was destined for great deeds. But his life consisted of trifles …
Your life is just a real trifle, right? But whether it’s your fault? Don’t worry, certainly, no. You were already born as such, brought up by your parents as such, educated and forged by a society as such, and you find it fun to remain as such yourself. You bear no responsibility for anything in your life, for responsibility is such a real trifle! You have no idea, actually, why it’s, your life, which has developed as so, and in no way differently. Probably, such was the will of casual circumstances unknown to you, and will of yours is such a trifle in comparison with ones of them. And who are you to become the master of own fate, already written in advance by someone?
From the very birth you have felt yourself born for great causes. It’s all the rest - pity humans! - have been doomed by their destinies to bear their cross of petty affairs, dreams and ambitions year after a year, while you have been made for something great, something grandiose, unforgettable, unrepeatable, almost eternal … something which is not a trifle. How strange is that that life hasn’t given you even a single chance to show others this greatness of yours - but appeared to be some sort of a pitiful beggar, constantly asking for a handout directly before your very eyes … How petty it’s from her part!
From time to time you managed to do that. Sometimes you felt with your very bones that you have finally made something important, kind, light, necessary - have helped somebody and made this world a bit kinder and warmer. But on the other hand, all these deeds of yours - they are such a true trifle compared to what you could potentially achieve. But - what a strange thing! - your life has developed exclusively on trifles. Or whether it was you demanding everything at once?
From time to time you came off second-best. Deceived and was deceived, beat and was bitten by stones, loved and hated simultaneously. Indeed, you felt how petty and insignificant are lots of your true motives, your promptings and aspirations … but whether had you no right for them? Besides, you still always have the time to rectify own errors … a trifle, surely, but such a pleasant one.
How petty others concerned you from time to time! And why, really, couldn’t they be more magnanimous, loving and understanding in relation to you? Why did they performed ridiculous things, spoke nonsenses, and tried to deduce you from your ideal self-image periodically? Whether did you grant them the right to behave as such with you? However, life already has had the time to make a strikeback to some based on their affairs … a trifle, truly, yet such a pleasant one.
If you had only known how to transform this world and make it kinder in relation to itself and to you in a single step! But one is always born as a genius, and never becomes him, right? And petty life has unfairly deprived you of the possibility to demonstrate own genius, hasn’t granted a slightest chance to spread own semi-burned wings and soar into the highest heights … And you was almost ready to conquer Olympus inside, yes? And here and now you along with your internal frenzy and external impenetrable blissful smile keep shifting day by day papers from one folder into the next, and from one table over another, calling this nonsense your job instead. You are such a big chief for now - indescribably greater than all these unworthy ones, fawning before you, who didn’t manage to climb up that fake Olympus on which you have been sitting for a lot of years of own life already … a trifle, true and true, but such a pleasant one indeed!
To tell the truth, you have already started forgetting of these pink dreams of own childhood and of brave aspirations of own youth - they, probably, were too unearthly as well … too non trifle? But, heck, what’s the reason to think of that for now? You have your official wife in possession, own house and a countryside cottage in addition to a solid bank account … you have your new life. The fear of death overcomes you at times, but you promptly drive these petty and itching thoughts away. You, certainly, would want to live forever, but is still compelled to use all that substitutes, created by a society - like your numerous posterity, for example. You have been born for great deeds, but have doomed yourself to die, having still not realized your true divine potential …
And, after all, what is a death for the one who have never truly lived … a real trifle, right?
15.08.2011
Salary
Salary … such a sweet word! Honest payment for your work, your self-pressure, your idleness, your indifferent-sad swaying day by day through a stuffy office, your hypocrisy, your self-interest, your eye and brain-washing, your rearrangement of papers from one folder into another and hours of life, thrown into a garbage can; your suppressed, decaying, thrown out on boondocks of Universe individuality … such a bitter word! Here it is, lying before your very eyes …
Sweetly crackling recently got out from a printing house colored pieces of paper with different numbers, drawn upon them … how lovely and, apparently, innocently do they rustle, demanding your attention! There are lots of them in a short term and so little in a long one at the same time … Here and now you accurately recalculate them all, trying not to evade even a single instant of this illusory delight, already estimating in own thoughts on what you are going to spend all these riches in the nearest future. Such is the deification and meaning of the job of a man, an embodiment of hopes and expectations of millions, now in your hands as well - crackling so impatiently-sweet, stupefying your sense of smell … You have been burning all these days in a chamber of times along with a unique possibility of self-learning, granted to you, knowingly, fastidiously and irrevocably for a reason - and have finally received a well-deserved, earned, acquired with a blood bribe! Each and every piece of it. Now you can buy much …
In this world of yours almost everything can be bought for these colorful pieces of paper, right? Things, feelings, words, honor and conscience of men … even, probably, souls of some - from those that are purchased cheaply and by the gross. But you are most certainly not some awful demon from the underworld, yes? You will be satisfied just with things and feelings … to begin with. So let the offer forms the demand even further.
Surprising, unusual, delightful world! And why were you born in it only now - and where have you been wandering during all your last times? Oh, it matters no more from now on! Here it is, your own salary, lying absolutely-totally nearby … Oh, such a nice day it’s today - one of your most awaited and expected. A true Event! And so you have already started dreaming of how you will spend fairly or not totally so earned sum … Oh, such a pleasure it is - to spend … Buying, buying, buying … consuming, consuming, consuming. Probably if you had plenty of those paper pieces, you would certainly buy the whole Universe itself … such is a pity that it’s not for sale! You already know what you will buy first, you have already made a plan �
� the most grandiose Plan of the purchase and sale of your life. How strange is that it looks so similar to the ones of your planet’s relatives … fucked stereotyped plagiarists - that’s who they are! Oh, let this tiresome working day end as soon as possible for the one of the reckoning with your salary to come into action.
How wise are your planet’s colleagues - they have already invented a universal price-list of everything. A payment for each and every sin. Yes, that’s right - for any sin ever made by them. And you are certainly not going to be original in this business, yeah? It’s a pity that seasonal discounts are not yet in action, however the prices have practically been made stable. Amazing world! And how did you even image to survive in it without that very salary of yours? The one wishing to be on sale or to sell finds the owner or the buyer - and he finds his own … Each buys each one - except for a small group of fools, having no desire to live according to uniform private earth law. A vicious circle - but whether it was you who have created it first? You were simply born in this already built-up world of your ancestors … and what’s the point to really alter it? To buy, to buy, to buy … to sell, to sell, to sell! Since the time someone has invented money, it became so simple … so naturally - as natural as you grab your long-awaited wages. And what would you cost without it … cost as a man? But what’s the reason to measure your value by a different criterion when you have money on hands and in mind, and time of your life has been converted in it in advance for a lot of upcoming years … for there are plenty of things this world has to sell you! In exchange for this next salary of yours …
Have no fear, take it. You have deserved it, after all, earned, right? This money is now yours by right - sort of a universal man’s measurement tool. And its amount has been growing with each passing year - a true equivalent of your market cost … and only now, having got this new salary, your feel yourself truly happy. Your heart sings in joy for you know how much do you cost - a whole heap of colored crackling pieces of paper …
14.08.2011
Tale of false righteous one
Once upon a time there was a False Righteous man, living on this earth, and he was cruel in heart and unfair to people in his life. Himself he considered as a very special, true one, and other people were but small indecent fry, undeserving time of life in these eyes of his. Character of his was unaccommodating, haughty and greedy to a high degree, and hard it was for those surrounding him to stand nearby - either grumble, or irascibility, or even hatred, which have grown inside him, did he poured upon nearby ones, if failed to satisfy desires of his own at expense of others.
And pined were people for his presence, and pined he was for their gloomy dullness, for there was no one comparable to his never-ending genius among all people known to him according to the vision of his own. Therefore avoided he people greatly so often, and unfriendly he was in conversations with them, and never desired he to wish anything good to anyone, himself being excluded.
And possessed the False Righteous one a secret dream, which has been burning his heart each and every day excessively. Dreaming he was of the power endless over these pitiful unreasonable humans, and desired them to honor him greatly, if not due to true sincerity of hearts, then due to fear before him instead. Yet he didn’t have such a possibility for a long time, therefore almost have burned him whole this desire inside and out up to the moment described. And have been dreaming he of that power inaccessible, and even more thus hated and have despised other men with each day passing, own rage and absence of love own showing daily in petty skirmishes.
And event happened once - unexpected, mysterious, and wonderful. The Divine Righteous one from lands far and foreign did came to city of theirs, preaching. He was speaking words sincere, from purity of his heart coming, and so tender and touchingly for the hearts of men was he speaking, that many listened to ardent words of his with delight. And taught Righteous One men to love each other more and deeply, taking care of neighbors, never abandoning each other in troubles alone. And to forgive people each other he taught them, thus never accumulating evil in own souls, corroding them with poison. And he taught them of mercy, for unimaginable is the path of human without mistakes, and who are people to judge each other by justice absolute, never possessed by them. A wonderful gift of belief did this Righteous One possessed, and easily could it be felt that not by hearsay has he passed before a way difficult and tough to learn all that which he was sharing now with others, preaching and explaining. And listened people to him, and cried did they, and thawed did hearts of them, and changing their lives did they started, following those precepts given. And came did people from those who have been listening and prepared to march further together with the Righteous One, so that in the path difficult could they learn from his unearthly wisdom and love, close to him staying.
And saw all that the False Righteous one, and showering were his heart in envy from that contemplation. All strangeness and inexplicability of that power, which the Righteous One possessed, surprised the False Righteous - for it was strange, of nature spiritual, heavenly, and wasn’t the power at all in common sense and meaning. Greatly desired the False Righteous one to be listened to by the crowds like his rival was, so that crowds mentioned obeyed him in whatever order for which he has a whim, and even uplift and praise him further as if he was the true righteous one. And dared then the False Righteous to perform an act cruel and artful, for no longer was he the master of own thoughts to the moment mentioned, for the malicious will possessed and transformed heart of his. And came the False Righteous one along with other men from those listening, and asked the Divine Righteous before his face to become a student of his. Not a single word did the Righteous One replied, yet only smiled somehow sadly, not forbidding, however, to follow him. And thus too proud became the False Righteous that he has been accepted without a single question, and overwhelmed himself with arrogance even more greatly. And ordered he the people, whom he has known earlier, to call him no less than the true righteous one from that moment and further on, motivating that with that apprenticeship recently acquired. And thus the non-divine righteous one he has become, and followed the Divine Righteous on his journey soon.
For long have they been travelling by cities and roads, trampling this earth distressful by feet of theirs, many men did joined them in their journey, and a lot more learned the simple human happiness, for wise was the true Righteous with wisdom of the heavens, and filling he was the hearts of men with harmony.
And throughout those travelling multi-monthly the thought terrible in the mind of non-divine righteous has ripened. To kill the Righteous One he decided in madness of his mind and silence of soul to gain power over these men, led by the Divine Righteous one and despised by the false one, to gain in once and for all. The new deputy and successor in this world after the True Righteous the false one decided to be. And by the similarity of souls has he found during these months of their far journey among the crowds, welcoming the True Righteous, one similar to him, and to perform the plan cruel together he convinced them. And with the True Righteous one did they marched as if they were his followers, plans of vengeance for unsatisfied vanity of theirs bearing in minds.
And there was day - and have cried the sky for all day long. And there was night - and the blackest one it was. To the center of journey camp did those people, love in their hearts who have betrayed, crept. And passed they the guards sleeping, and cut throats of those who have awakened, trying to shout in alarm, with knifes prepared. And crawled they in the tent of the Righteous, and found him unsleeping. And answered did the Righteous one to them, with sparkling knifes before him standing, that aware he was of their prepared treachery, but did not interfere in them did he, for ready he is to accept the pain upcoming to serve the hearts of men awakened by that.
And stopped did the ones attacking, seeing his sad eyes with a divine light shining in them, being for these killers intolerable, and hands of him, opened for them. Yet the fury seized their hearts once again, and attacked did the
y, cutting him with knifes of theirs, and spitting were they on him, and abusing simultaneously. But did not resist the frenzy of theirs the Righteous, praying for the salvation of their souls, into the darkest of abysses falling down. And only in the last moments, bleeding mortally, did he said to them that never could they kill the truth for always triumph does it eternally over the lie and hatred of humans.
And thunderstorm unimaginable was raging during that night, and lightings were rushing in the sky like mad ones, when that act horrifying was being performed. And that thunder mentioned awakened many a man in the camp, and rushed did they to the tent of their herald, but lifeless did they found him by that moment bitter. And standing there near his body was the False Righteous, and sobbing he was sadly. And told he to the coming people that one of his men, nearby standing, did kill their messenger of truth, and they, all other, have just come running to the noise, only to find him murdered. And seized people one of the businessmen of the False Righteous as if he was the only slayer there, and the rest of businessmen dared not to contradict the non-divine righteous, for lives of their bodies fearing greatly.
On the Wings of Hope : Prose Page 27
