by Gephart, T
Of course there was this dickwad she worked with who I was convinced was trying to put the moves on her. Rob. While he seemed like a nice guy, I didn’t trust him, and there was no way I’d be letting my guard down around him. I knew his type. I’d seen it play out a million times. Hell, my sister had even tangled with one of those sons-o-bitches, and Troy and I had broken his fucking nose. His name was Brad. Same-same as far as I was concerned. Girls think those douches are their best fucking friends and then boom, one night when they are feeling vulnerable, good old Rob has his pants down around his ankles and asks her to suck his dick. I might not have been a choirboy, but I never played women like that. Fuckers like Rob were predators, some just more patient than others.
Ash thought I was just being jealous, so I didn’t push the issue. I sure as shit didn’t want to rock the boat seeing as everything had been perfect the last couple of weeks. So I kept it on the down low, knowing if that asshole even breathed on her in the wrong way, I’d fuck him up. Some things were worth jail time, if you know what I mean.
The knock at the door pulled my head back to where it needed to be, away from thinking about shit going wrong between Ash and me. I knew who it was, a conversation that needed to happen, and I was going to man up and have it.
I opened the door and saw Sydney standing out in the hall. It felt like an eternity ago since we’d been together. I had to remind myself it actually happened.
“Dan.” Sydney walked through the doorway and into my pad.
“Hey, Syd.” I gave her a hug. We hadn’t had a proper conversation in god knows how long. It’s funny how I’d always thought it would be weird between us after the sex, but it just wasn’t. I liked that about Sydney; she didn’t say one thing and mean another. She was a genuine kick-ass chick, and I had a lot of time for her even if from here on out, it was going to be solidly in friend-zone.
“Let’s take a seat in the lounge room.” I didn’t want to have this conversation in the fucking hallway. I was probably going to need to sit down anyway.
“So what’s got your kickers in such a twist that you couldn’t talk to me over the phone?” She took off her coat as she followed me through to the main living area of my apartment, her heels clicking on the polished floorboards.
“Shit I needed to say wasn’t for the phone, Syd. I wanted to speak to you face to face and I didn’t want to bug you at work. I know Lexi still hasn’t found a new assistant yet.” I gestured for her to take a seat on the couch. Syd draped her coat over the arm of the chair before settling in.
“Well thanks for the consideration. I’m sure Lexi thanks you, too. Not that it ever really stopped you from bothering me before.”
“Yeah well, sometimes I just can’t help myself.” I shrugged.
“So what is so important? I know we’re not here to talk my work schedule.” Sydney was smart. Not much got by her, it’s one of the reasons I respected her so much. I think that is why her and Lexi were so tight and probably one of the reasons I was attracted to them both at one stage. Clearly I have a thing for mouthy women.
“No, we’re not.” I grinned, taking the armchair opposite her. “I wanted to thank you for hooking up Ashlyn with the job. She needed a break, and it really made a difference. I know thank you doesn’t cut it but, yeah I wanted to thank you.”
“Do my ears deceive me? The great Dan Evans being all sweet and thankful. My, my, I’m not entirely sure what to do with the gratitude.”
“Take it for what it’s worth. A thanks. You know, I really didn’t expect that. You, helping me. Helping her. I mean it’s not like you owe me anything.”
“Why wouldn’t I help you if I had the opportunity? If I have the means to assist a friend, I’ll happily lend a hand. And before you make some innuendo about hand jobs, you know I don’t mean that.”
“Wouldn’t take it even if you offered. I got myself a girl now, and she’s the only one whose hands are getting on me. But all jokes aside, I’m glad you see me as a friend.”
“Well of course I see you as a friend. I’m not in the habit of sleeping with people I can’t stand. You know we both went into that with our eyes open. I never expected anything more from you than that night, and at the risk of inflating your already ridiculously large ego, it was probably the best sex I’d ever had. I don’t regret it. Still, I never thought I’d see the day where you would be happily off the market. I have to say, I’m half expecting an asteroid to come hurtling toward Earth, taking us to our deaths. At least I can say I’ve seen it all.”
She always was a wise-ass, but I was glad she was cool about the whole thing. Not all the women I’d slept with shared Syd’s carefree philosophy. I never promised them more, but some assumed what was only a fuck would turn into a beautiful relationship. I had probably been a bigger dick than I needed to be, but I never really cared enough not to be. Guess it didn’t really matter now. That shit was well and truly in my rearview.
“Yeah, have your fun, Syd. I’ve been getting it from Troy for weeks now. Jase too. I’ll take whatever you guys got.”
“I think it’s marvelous you’ve found a lady. It’s obvious she’s captured your heart. Now, just don’t do something stupid and cock it up.” Syd smiled as she moved off the couch. “Come on then, let’s do this properly.” She held out her arms in front of her.
I laughed as I lifted my ass off the chair. I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a hug, “Thanks, Syd. You’re pretty awesome.”
My eye caught the reflection of the door. Ash was standing there. Her coat still on, like she’d just walked in. “Hey, babe. I didn’t hear you come in. This is Sydney, she—” I didn’t get a chance to finish to explain before Ash cut me off.
“We’ve already met. At my interview with Lexi.” She seemed annoyed. I guess she had seen me with Sydney and had gotten the wrong idea. Sort of like when Ash had come to my apartment and my sister and nephew had been there. We would probably laugh about it like we did then. I mean, as if I would cheat on her. That would never happen.
“I was just on my way out. Nice to see you again, Ashlyn.” Sydney smiled but Ash didn’t respond. Syd shot me a concerned look, “Dan, good seeing you.”
It wasn’t looking good. I was probably going to have to do a lot of groveling. Although, I was confident that once I explained Sydney was just a friend, Ash would come around. She could sometimes fly off the handle but she wasn’t unreasonable. And we were finally in a good place.
“No probs, Syd. ’Bye.” I walked her to the door while Ashlyn stood simmering in the hallway, her arms locked across her chest. Not sure how much she heard but whatever it was, she was pissed.
“Listen, Ash.” I had no idea what I was going to say other than whatever she was thinking, she had it wrong. I felt like I had to say sorry, but I had no idea what I was supposed to be apologizing for.
“Don’t,” she whimpered. “Please, just don’t.” She didn’t take off her coat or put down her purse. She just stood there. I fucking hated it. Seeing that look on her face and knowing that it was because of something so stupid. There was nothing going on.
“Ash. I’m not sure why you are mad but, whatever it is, you have the wrong idea. Sydney and I are just friends.”
“Just friends? Really?”
Fuck. Well, I guess this was going to be harder than I thought. Granted, I had my arms around Syd but it’s not like I was grabbing her ass.
“Ash.”
“What, Dan? I knew you had a past, but it’s a little different when it is flaunted in front of me. Are you telling me you haven’t had sex with her?” She dared me to deny it, probably guessing I couldn’t. How could I? I had slept with Sydney.
“Babe, I’m not going to lie to you. I did sleep with Sydney. But, it was before I knew you, and it was only one time.” How could something I did before I met Ashlyn come back and bite me?
“Only one time?” she repeated, her eyes were filled with hurt. I hated knowing the hurt was because of me,
“It was insignificant,
Ash.” I took a step toward her. “It didn’t mean anything. It was just sex.”
“How could you say that? It was just sex. Goddamn it, Dan, is there anyone you haven’t slept with?” Despite being angry, she didn’t yell.
“What do you want me to say? I can’t take it back.” I couldn’t change my past. I couldn’t un-fuck all those women. Even if I could, it wouldn’t make me love her any more than I already did. It was in the past. Ash was my future.
“Why?” Just one word, but the way she said it made it sound so much worse.
“Why, what?” I wanted to go and touch her but her arms across her chest made it clear that was a no-go. I knew that if I could put my arms around her, I could show her how much she meant to me.
“Why did you sleep with her if it she didn’t mean anything?” Her voice was almost a whisper.
“I don’t know. It just happened. I wasn’t trying to sleep with her.” I moved closer and she stepped back. I blinked. Did she just move away from me?
“So I should feel better about the fact you had sex with her even though you weren’t trying to?”
“No. I’m just saying. I don’t know what I’m saying but I can’t feel bad about something I did before I even knew you.” I needed to get through to her. So she could understand how much this shit didn’t matter. Why wouldn’t she fucking see this wasn’t important?
“I knew there had been lots of women, but I didn’t think I would have to see them, that they would still be in your life. Is that what will happen to me? When we’re done?”
“Ash, I swear to you on my mother’s life, it’s not like that with us. Do you think I’m just going to be done with you?”
“Then why was she here and why were you hugging her if it was just one night that meant nothing?”
“Ash, she was telling me she was happy for us.”
“Please, stop.” Ash held out her hand. “I need to know. I need to know the truth. Why. Was. She. Here?” She paused between each word. I could see the torment on her face, second-guessing what we were. She still hadn’t moved. Her body radiated an invisible force field of don’t-fucking-touch-me.
Part of me wanted to go over and drag her into the living room and make her listen to reason. Prove to her this was all fucking bullshit. She would never be just another fuck to me, and as for the situation with Syd, she was looking for something that wasn’t there.
“I was thanking her, okay? That’s all. There was nothing shady going on. Do you honestly think if I was going to go behind your back I’d do it where you’d find out? I know you have a key. C’mon, Ash. Don’t let these doubts ruin shit for us. I can’t change the fact I slept with her. I am not denying it, but I am telling you that is in my past and I would never hurt you.”
“What did she do for you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why did you need to thank her?”
“She just worked something out for me. Trust me, Ash, just let it go.” This was another can of fucking worms I was not ready to open. I knew if she found out about the job she would take it the wrong way. She just needed to let it go.
“You’re asking me to trust but you won’t tell me what she did. What are you hiding?”
“Nothing. I’m not hiding anything.”
“Dan, I know you aren’t being honest with me. If you care half as much as you say you do, you will just tell me.”
Hearing her say I didn’t care, fucking lit a fuse. I didn’t mean to yell but I couldn’t believe she would think I would lie to her, cheat on her, and fucking throw what we had away.
“She gave Simon Jennings your resume. She set up the interview for JenCorp. That’s it. I was thanking her for that.”
“You asked a girl you used to fuck to get me a job?” She looked disgusted and no matter how bad it had been, it was so much fucking worse now.
“No. Look, it wasn’t like that. I know you are mad, and probably a little hurt, but Sydney isn’t just some girl I’ve fucked.” Syd wasn’t just some groupie, and she had done nothing wrong here. If anyone was an asshole, it was me, and I wouldn’t let someone who had been a friend take the fall.
“I thought you said she didn’t mean anything? You can’t have it both ways. I thought Lexi recommended me for this job?”
It was just getting worse. It was like a runaway train I couldn’t stop from derailing. My mouth just saying anything to try and make it better
“The sex didn’t mean anything, but that doesn’t mean Sydney isn’t a good person. She’s a friend. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I went to Lexi because I wanted her to hire you. When she said you didn’t make the cut, she agreed to help find something else.” The minute I’d said it I realized how bad it sounded. I couldn’t find a way to make her understand the way I had seen it in my head. It wasn’t supposed to hurt her.
“You did what? You went to Lexi and asked her to hire me? Holy shit, Dan. Did you have any faith in my ability? So this whole job has been a big pity fuck?”
Her eyes watered and I could tell she was trying not to cry. I fucking hated seeing her like this, and knew I was the cause. I would do anything to make it better for her. I hated this distance. Standing in the same place in the hallway.
“I was trying to help. You wouldn’t let me help any other way. Lexi asked Sydney and she just passed on the resume. I figured if I could do this, help you find something else, then you would be happy.” It was starting to break me, too. Maybe my execution was shit but my intentions weren’t. It was supposed to make it better. Why had it turned into a big ball of shit?
“I knew when I started having feelings for you that it was going to be hard. Reconciling myself with all the women. Wondering if I measured up. I wanted to believe that I was different. That you loved me because I was different. What I never thought I would have to doubt is whether or not I was good enough. You didn’t even have faith in me to find a job. You can’t just change people’s lives, Dan. I should have known from the start I didn’t fit. We didn’t fit. I don’t belong in your world. I was happy before I met you. I was happy with my shitty apartment, in my shitty job with my shitty life because as shitty as everything was, it was real. And right now, I have no idea what is real anymore.”
She didn’t mean that. I know she couldn’t mean that. I got that she was hurting, and I would jump through whatever fucking hoops I needed to put shit back together, but what we had was the realest thing I’d ever had. I knew this wasn’t one sided.
“This is real, Ash. What we have, it’s not a lie. The other stuff, Sydney may have set up the interview but you got that job on your own.” I moved closer and she stepped away again. Every single time she did that I wanted to put my fist through a wall. That I was what she was trying to get away from.
“Tell me one thing, Dan, and I want you to tell me the truth.” She had wrapped her arms so tightly around her body if I hadn’t clued in that she didn’t want me to touch her, I was fucking getting the hint now. She was losing the battle with the waterworks, too. Her eyes were red and she was blinking really fast, trying to stop them from spilling over.
“Ash, I know this is fucked up and I know I kept things from you, but you can’t doubt what we have.” I looked at her right in the eye. She had to believe me. I’ll be the first person to put my hand up and say I may have omitted some details and maybe I fucked up. Okay, so I definitely fucked up, but I’ve never lied to her. I would never hurt her.
“That day…in Lexi’s office.” She swallowed hard as the first tear dropped from the corner of her eye. She tried to wipe it away before I could see. “When I met you the first time. Why were you there?”
She looked like she was in so much pain. I couldn’t make it worse. Why couldn’t we let go of that shit and concentrate on what we had. On what we had built. Nothing else mattered.
“I was with Alex, he had to see Lexi.”
I remembered that day like it was burned into my brain. We had been rehearsing at James’s. Hannah had been l
ooking after Grace, and Noah had helped keep her entertained while her daddy played rock star with her uncles. We had wrapped and Alex had said he was going to stop by and see Lexi. I thought it would have been the perfect opportunity to see Sydney, maybe ask her out. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. She would shoot me down like she always did and I’d move on. It was almost like a game. I never expected to find something else there that day. Someone else. Someone like Ash.
“Dan, from the little I know of Alex, I know he does not need a babysitter to see his wife. Why were you there that day?”
I couldn’t lie to her. I promised I wouldn’t. I wasn’t sure if this was some sick fucking test I had to pass or what, but whatever happened from here on out was going to be the fucking truth.
“I was there to see Sydney.”
It was as if the words had smacked her hard in the face. Her hand flew to her mouth as she let out a gasp.
“Why?” she barely choked out.
“I was going to ask her out.” The truth, no matter what happened she was going to get the truth.
“So I was the consolation prize?” The pain in her eyes tore through me. I’d swallow broken glass before I had to see it again.
“No. Ash. No. I swear to you.” Fuck the consequences. I needed to hold her. To put her in my arms and for her to feel it. To feel us. I moved to her, toe to toe. We needed to make sense of this and the only way I knew how was to touch her.
“I can’t.” She pushed me away, her hand hitting me square in the chest. “This is too much. I can’t.”
“Ash, don’t fucking leave. Do not walk away from this.” I grabbed her hand. Did she want me to beg? Whatever the fuck she needed, she just had to say the word.
She held my stare, her green eyes annihilating me as I watched her fight against the tears. “I need to be enough, and I can’t be that with you. The girls, the job, being your second choice? It’s too much. We never belonged together, Dan. We were a mistake that just went on too long. Neither of us was going to admit it, but you and me, it was destined to fail. We are just too different, and I can’t be anyone else anymore than you can. Goodbye, Dan.”
