He dipped the cloth back into the bowl, which now rested upon the table. He continued to minister to his daughter, hoping against all hope that concentrating hard enough on the task would make him forget how very much he was aware of the woman who stood by them.
The minutes passed and the child’s skin began to cool. It was not until Lily spoke up, saying, “I believe she is resting comfortably now,” that he realized it was indeed true.
Sabina was breathing much more easily and seemed to have fallen into a peaceful sleep.
Tristan dropped the cloth into the bowl and sat back with a sigh of sweet relief. In spite of his preoccupation with Lily and his assurance to her that all would be well, he had been concerned for Sabina. She was the focus of his life—his very reason for living.
Even her smallest discomfort was of the utmost import to him.
Lily was relieved that they had managed to get through this crisis without having to discuss that last painful scene between them, nor anything else of an uncomfortable nature. Her voice was filled with relief at this, and at the fact that Sabina’s state seemed to have improved greatly. She spoke softly to Tristan, not wanting to awaken the babe. “Do you wish to put her back into bed now?”
Tristan looked up at her with his blue eyes so filled with love for his child that it made her own chest ache for something she could not dare name. She did her best to concentrate as he said, “Aye, I think she will rest better in bed.”
Giving herself something to do besides stand there staring at Tristan, Lily hurriedly moved to smooth out the covers. She heard him rise and come across the floor toward her. It was impossible for her to look directly at him. All the feelings she was trying so diligently to put aside had come racing to the fore.
Tristan’s tenderness toward Sabina moved Lily far more even than the passion that erupted so easily between them. He was such a good and loving father. He could have sent for Genevieve or any of the other castle women. He had not done that, but had set himself the task of tending to his sick child.
Lily watched as he gently laid the babe on the bed, his face betraying the strain he had been under. Even though he had done his best to allay any fear that Lily might be having, he had been very worried.
Lily knew in that moment that she had deep feelings for this man. She realized that even if she had not cared deeply for him when they had known each other before, living in such close proximity with him, seeing the way he treated others had made it so now.
She blinked back tears of sadness that things could not have been different.
At that moment Tristan turned toward her. Lily looked down, attempting to hide her tears from him.
But he would not allow her that. He reached out, lifting her chin with his strong but gentle fingers. “What is it?” She shook her head, her gaze coming to rest upon the sleeping child. He saw this, obviously reaching the wrong conclusion, for he said, “There is no need to be so frightened. She will be fine, of that I can assure you. But I will say that your concern does you credit. It tells me that you have come to love her in spite of everything else.”
Lily knew it was not right to allow him to believe that this was the cause of her sadness. Yet it was true that she did love the child, and that made it easy for her to say, “Yes, I do love her, more than I ever thought I could.”
He spoke in a rush. “Lily, there is something I have to tell you. I am so very sorry for what I said to you yesterday. I would never ever ask you to leave Brackenmoore.”
Lily blinked back the tears that threatened to spill forth. “I know that, Tristan. I do believe that you allowed me to come here out of nothing more than simple human kindness. Knowing you…” She halted, averting her gaze when she realized that she had been about to say more than she wished to. “Knowing Sabina has been worth all the possible upheaval that may arise from my coming here.”
He looked at her closely, his brow furrowed, then seemed to come to some decision inside himself. He took a deep breath and said, “Have you thought about—considered staying on here at Brackenmoore?”
She stared at him, aghast. “Have I thought of staying? Are you mad? How could I even contemplate such a crazed thought? What would possibly lead you to ask?”
He frowned, his eyebrows meeting over his suddenly disapproving blue eyes. “Why is it so very crazed an idea? You love Sabina. She loves you. Even if you are not completely certain of your relationship with me, you will miss her if you leave. Do not attempt to convince me that you will not.”
“You want me to stay on here as her maid then?” Lily could hardly credit that they were having this conversation.
Tristan’s frown deepened. “I…it is within my power to make your situation here more comfortable. Is it not true that you have already been treated well by my family and myself? I have told the story that you were raised in a noble household. I would simply make it clearer that you are the daughter of a knight or such. I could see to it that you were afforded every courtesy that position would allow.”
She looked at the floor. “Tristan, even if I could put aside the responsibility I have toward my family, you do not realize how I feel.” She raised her head, pleading with him to understand, to see. “Genevieve has been nothing but good to me since my coming here. How can I continue to allow her to believe a lie?” She blushed but made herself go on. “Especially knowing what has passed between you and me?”
He blanched. “But we have conquered that. It will be no more.”
Perhaps you have, Lily replied silently. Aloud she said only, “And of my own intended husband, Maxim, and my promises to him?”
Tristan took a step closer to her, his face showing displeasure at the name. “Promises you have made to a man who is completely undeserving of them. You know what he is.”
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “We have been over this ground before. I know what I have been told. I would think that you would see that I cannot simply judge him ill in that way. I do not believe Genevieve would lie. She is a good woman, kind and generous, but she was very young. I have heard from her own lips that she wished to be here at Brackenmoore and those she felt close to. Could her desire to be here with you all not have colored her thinking about something that could have been meant in all innocence?” Lily halted, realizing that she of all people would understand that sentiment. Did her own inner desire to stay here at Brackenmoore not cloud her thinking, make her wish for things that could not be? She could not tell Tristan just how tempting his suggestion was.
When she raised her gaze he was shaking his head, his expression cold. “You choose to see things only as they will please you, Lily.”
Unable to face him for another moment, Lily turned her back on his all-too-compelling presence. He could not be further from the truth. She chose to see the situation as it must be for fear of giving in to the dishonorable desires of her own heart. She must do what was right here. She could not allow herself to ruin so many lives.
She continued to feel him there behind her, the sheer force of his will. Yet she would not turn around—could not.
Lily knew there was only one way to end all of this suffering, and she had to tell him now, before she lost the courage to do so. She swung around to face him. “Tristan, I have realized that I can no longer remain at Brackenmoore. I must return to my life. I have gained nothing for myself or anyone else by being here. With your aid I will send a message to my father at Lakeland. I will instruct him to come for me himself. By being discreet we may well salvage his plans for my wedding to Maxim.”
Tristan’s face mirrored shock for a long moment, then he raised those dark eyebrows, his expression sardonic. “When you have your letter ready, I will see that it is sent.”
Lily nodded, staring down at her clasped hands. “You have my thanks.”
She did not look up until he was gone. She could not, for fear of his seeing the tears that she could no longer hide.
Chapter Ten
“Lily.”
Lily heard her own name as if coming from a very long distance.
“Lily?” The voice came again.
She struggled up from the depths of sleep, opening one eye with the greatest of efforts. And saw Sabina’s tiny face bending over hers.
Sabina smiled and spoke over her shoulder excitedly. “She is awake.” She turned back to Lily. “Uncle Kendran wishes to take me down to the hall.” She pointed behind her.
Lily sat up, her eyes trying to track the path indicated by that chubby finger. As she did so, her gaze came to rest on the face of a widely smiling Kendran Ainsworth. Pulling the blanket up to cover herself to the chin, Lily leaped from the bed. “Forgive me, my lord, I did not mean to remain abed so long.”
Kendran shrugged. “Have no care for that. I went to speak to Tristan earlier, and he told me that the two of you had been up with our girl for most of the night. I just came to see how she was. She told me that she had awakened with a desire to break her fast, but she did not want to wake the sleeping princess.”
Lily blushed. “Sabina, I am no princess and you need have no concern about waking me. It is my duty.”
Kendran reached out and said, “Come, sweet.” Sabina ran to him and he scooped her up in his arms. He then looked at Lily with an expression that brooked no argument. “Forget your duty for a few hours. You have no need to concern yourself about anything this morning, Lily. I only told the child to wake you so that you would not worry in the event of rising to find her gone.”
With that he turned and strode from the room. A speechless Lily was left with the impression that though he was young, Kendran certainly showed signs of growing to be as autocratic as his elder brothers.
She tried to be charitable by telling herself that he had meant well.
Yet his effort seemed wasted, for Lily certainly could not sleep now. She dropped the cover on the bed and went to the chest where she kept the three gowns and other items of clothing that Genevieve had given her. Quickly she dressed in the blue gown with the lighter blue underdress.
It was then that she realized she had nothing to do. She could of course write the letter to her father, but that would mean asking Tristan for writing materials. And even if she had wished to speak with him, she felt strangely reluctant to send that message.
She told herself that she could easily write it later in the day.
That decision did not solve her problem. Lily had grown accustomed to looking after Sabina, actually enjoyed doing so. Now that she had made the decision to leave Brackenmoore, the remaining moments she had with the little one seemed all the more precious.
But she could not go down to the meal. Kendran had acted out of kindness and concern for her. That was not a gift one took for granted.
With a sigh, Lily looked about the chamber. At least she could tidy the bed and the clothing Sabina and her uncle had scattered about as they readied her for breakfast. Lily tried not to think about how foolish she felt to have slept through the whole procedure.
She was just putting away the last of the tiny garments when the door opened. It was Maeve. She held a tray in her hands. “Lord Kendran bade me bring you food. He told me you had been up in the night with the babe.”
The kindness in the woman’s face was moving. First Kendran and now Maeve. Lily had been quite unused to this sort of thing before coming to Brackenmoore. Her parents had looked after her, but that had been due to her own illness and subsequent helplessness. No one had ever behaved as if they owed her gratitude for her efforts. Her mother and the other serving woman took care of all that needed doing at Lakeland.
It felt good to know that she had done something that mattered. That she, Lily, had been of use.
She knew she would hold these memories close to her heart. It would not be long before she would be gone from here.
Lily tried to convince herself that she might find such acceptance at Maxim’s keep. A nagging feeling of sadness told her that was not likely to be the case. The Earl of Harcourt seemed one who might wish to receive all merit for what went on in his own holdings.
Rousing herself to smile at the head woman, who was still waiting, Lily said, “Thank you very much, Maeve. This is very kind of you.”
The older woman came forward, then turned from setting the tray on the table. “Nonsense. ‘Tis not so very kind, not any more than your care of the child during the night, nor your care of master mason Jack, who is a cousin to me. We all look after one another here at Brackenmoore. It has always been that way and always will be. You will soon come to understand that.”
Lily only nodded; she saw no purpose in telling the woman that she had already learned that lesson but would not be here to enjoy the fruits of it. She said simply, “Nonetheless, you have my thanks and gratitude for your kindness to me.”
Maeve shrugged and turned to go, then paused and looked at Lily for a long moment. Finally she said, “What’s done is done. No one can change the past. It is now that matters and now that anyone should be judged by.”
Lily could think of absolutely nothing to say to this odd pronouncement. She could not allow herself to grow too attached to these folk. She was going home. Home. The word felt strange.
Quickly she summoned up her courage and said, “Maeve, would it be possible for me to have the materials to write a letter?”
The head woman shrugged. “Of course.” Her gaze was decidedly curious as it raked Lily, but she said only, “I will have them brought here to you.”
Lily was saved from feeling that she must explain herself further by Maeve’s unceremonious departure.
Yet when the woman was gone she could not help wondering what she could have meant by talking about living in the present. It was almost as if she suspected…But no, ‘twas not possible.
First Lily had conjectured that Genevieve knew more than she could, and now Maeve. Surely Tristan and she had been very careful in keeping their secret.
Going to the table upon which the woman had placed the tray, Lily forced herself to eat some of the bread and cheese, drink some of the mead. It was the least she could do after Maeve’s troubling to bring it.
Lily found she had little more appetite than in the past days. Too much had happened of late, not the least of which was her decision to leave. She had told Tristan she was ready to do so, but the notion held even less appeal than last night when she had made the pronouncement.
When a servant came to open her door some time later, writing materials in hand, Lily pushed the food aside with a heavy sigh. She knew what had to be done and would do it.
It was some time later that Genevieve herself appeared in the doorway of Sabina’s chamber.
Lily was fully conscious of the completed letter to her father. It was safely tucked beneath her pillow in preparation of the time when she would see Tristan again. Seeing the other woman made her even more certain that she was doing the right thing in sending it.
Lily moved from the window, where she had been looking out on the grayness of the day without actually seeing it. “Would you like me to go to Sabina?”
Genevieve shook her head. “Nay, do not worry. You are to have the morning to yourself. Tristan has ordered it by way of Kendran. Sabina is fine. She is playing with her uncles in the hall.”
Lily was still amazed by this drastic change in the child’s condition. “But she was so ill last night.”
Genevieve watched her closely. “And is feeling quite herself this morn. That is the way with children, Lily. They become ill quickly and recover with a speed that is shocking at times.”
Lily looked at the floor. It was the same thing that Tristan had told her in the night. Genevieve must certainly wonder why she would not know this if she was accustomed to caring for children, which Tristan had certainly implied when he brought her here. It also served to illustrate the younger woman’s fitness to act as Sabina’s mother.
Genevieve drew Lily’s attention back to her as she indicated the things she carried in her arms. “The laundres
s has cleaned some of Sabina’s clothes. I wanted to put them away.”
“I can see to that.”
Genevieve shook her head, offering too bright a smile as she crossed the room to the chest at the end of the bed. “I will do so. It is only a moment’s work, and you have spent a restless night with Sabina being ill.” She knelt before the chest.
As she laid the tiny garments inside, Lily watched closely, agitatedly pleating the skirt of her blue gown with her fingers. Something in the other woman’s manner alerted her that all was not well.
“I do appreciate the concern you have all shown me, but you need not be so careful of me. I am fine,” Lily insisted.
Genevieve gave another one of those overbright smiles and continued what she was doing.
There was no mistake. She seemed quite unlike herself this day. Guilt stabbed at Lily anew. Could it be the fact that Tristan and Lily had looked after the child alone together that troubled her?
Thinking to alleviate the other woman’s distress, Lily spoke up without even considering anything besides giving comfort. “Genevieve.” She bit her lip, realizing that she had slipped in addressing the other woman in too familiar a manner for a servant. She recovered quickly. “My lady, there is something that you should know.”
Genevieve turned to her sharply, seemingly oblivious to Lily’s error. “Yes, Lily?”
She hurried on. “I want you to know I will be leaving Brackenmoore soon.” Surely her father would not delay long in answering her request for him to come for her.
The young woman stared at her in amazement. “Leaving? But how can you leave? Where would you go?”
Lily shrugged. “To my own home.”
Genevieve shook her head in confusion. “But I had thought that something had happened to send you from there.”
“Why would you think so?”
The green-eyed beauty met her questioning gaze. “I had thought it because you came here to be with your daughter—”
“To be with my daughter?” Lily interjected in shock. She was caught so off guard that it did not occur to her attempt to deny it. “You mean you know?”
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