by Annie Brewer
“Thanks, but I think I have to do this alone. Who knows how it will go down? But I will text you when I can.” I sit on my bed and clutch my pillow tightly to my chest.
“Okay, call if you need me.” I smile inwardly at her amazing love and support. She’s always had my back, since second grade. I love her and the fact that in any situation I place myself in, she never turns her cheek the other way. Friends like that are rare.
“I will.” Before I hang up, she says, “Gracie?”
“Yes?” I reply.
“It’s going to be okay, you’ll see.” I hope so.
After dinner, I help my mom with the dishes and clean the table.
“So are you going to the game next week?” I hadn’t thought about football games or school events since I found out. That was the last thing on my mind. So I just shrug and say, “Maybe.”
I was suddenly feeling nervous, a little sick too and emotional; but of course that may be due to the pregnancy itself. Oh what joys I have to look forward to. I need to get it together before I break down, right here and now. Not a good way to break the news.
“I’ll be right back.” I tell her.
“Okay.”
I went to my room and grabbed my journal I always wrote in. I tore the previous pages out so I could start fresh. After all, this was a new journey I was about to embark on. Maybe if I wrote down my thoughts and feelings, it would help me cope better. I hoped it worked.
Dear Journal,
I recently discovered I am going to become a mom by the time I graduate high school. Some graduation present huh? Yeah, I’m not too thrilled. Well, that’s a lie. I’m kind of excited yet scared at the same time but I’m more scared than anything. No one knows, except my best friend Meg. I’m going to tell my parents tonight. That will be an unpleasant conversation. I’ll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck.
Gracie
I close my journal, feeling a little relieved. Maybe this will be a good thing after all. I put my journal in my desk drawer and head down to the kitchen to face my mother. Here goes nothing.
“Where’s dad?” I ask when I enter and see her making a pot of coffee.
“He’s upstairs in his office. Is everything alright? You left so suddenly. I thought I said something wrong.” She had a genuine look of concern on her face and my stomach sank. I pull a chair out and sit down. My stomach starts hurting and my palms begin to sweat.
“You look pale. Baby, you sure you’re alright?” I sigh and rest my elbows on the table, not in the least bit ready for this.
“No. I need to speak to you and dad. It’s urgent.” She is frantic now as she walks out of the kitchen and stands at the bottom of the stairs.
“Allen, can you come down please? Your daughter needs to talk to us.” My heart starts pounding in my chest. This is it! I think. There’s no going back now.
I enter the living room and sit down. My mother sits on the couch across from me, worry etched on her forehead. I try to smile. I hold my stomach, as if in pain but don’t make a sound. She glances at me, and then looks at the staircase.
“Allen! Get down here!” She yells. As if on cue, my father skips down the stairs two at a time, mumbling something I can’t quite decipher.
“I’m here. I’m here.” He joins my mother on the couch.
Both of them look at me, waiting for my confession. My leg starts shaking uncontrollably.
“What’s going on?” My eight year old brother comes down the stairs and enters the room. I turn to his innocent face and say, “Hey, I need to talk to mom and dad for a minute. Can you go upstairs and play for a little while?” He looks sad, like I took his favorite toy away. I grab him in a big bear hug and kiss the top of his head messing up his hair.
“You can play with the play station.” His face lights up excitedly. “Really?” I nod my head and off he goes, back up the stairs.
“What’s going on Gracie? You’re starting to freak me out.” My mom brings me back to the reason my legs are shaking uncontrollably and my palms are sweating. I look at them, take a deep breath and plunge right in head first. “I’m pregnant!” Then I break down.
Their eyes widen in shock, no blinking between either of them. Yeah, that was me a few days ago too. I start to wonder if either of them is breathing; it’s been a few minutes at least and my tears slow. I sit there silently, hoping someone says something.
“Mom?” She blinks and shakes her head, tears running down her cheeks. I sit back and cross my legs, waiting for them to say something, anything. Yell. Scream. Storm out. Anything but remain motionless. I’m starting to rethink telling them was a good idea. Maybe I should have waited until I was showing then told them. They wouldn’t hit their pregnant daughter, would they? Finally my mom breaks the tension, my father is still motionless. Shit, he’s pissed.
“I’m really sorry. I know you’re both disappointed in me. I didn’t want this.”
“Gracie, go upstairs. I need to talk to your father.” I numbly nod, obey and head to my room. I grab my phone from the charger and text Meg.
Me: “This is not going well.”
Meg: “I’m guessing you told them. What did they say?”
Me: “Nothing. They sat with no expressions for what seemed like an eternity and then my mother started to cry. They are talking in private now.”
Meg: “Well at least it’s out. You just have one more important person to tell.” Yeah, the father. I can’t even imagine how that conversation is going to go. “Hi Nick, I know you had plans for your future, but it looks like the stars had a better idea for you. And it includes smelly diapers, piles of laundry and a college fund- not for you.” Great, I’m so screwed.
I toss my phone on the bed and move to the doorway where I strain to hear the conversation downstairs through the cracked door.
“What are we going to do?” My mom asks. She is pacing and my dad seems to still be glued to the couch from what I can see or can’t see. “Allen, say something.”
“I don’t. I can’t. How did this happen? My little girl is going to be a mother before she graduates high school. How is this possible? I saw a bright future for her. Oh my God, I’m going to be a grandfather.” He laughs but it sounds forced, strained. And I make out a little disappointment in his tone.
“This is not the time to be funny. This is exactly what I didn’t want for our daughter. She’s repeating our history.” I hear her sigh loudly, almost a choking sound.
“I’m not being funny. I just don’t know how to react. Would you rather me yell and get angry? What the hell do I say?” They fight some more.
Tears stain my cheeks. Dammit all to hell. How did I become so careless? I let my parents down. I slide down to the floor in my bedroom, closing the door unable to hear any more of my parent’s sad, worried voices. I was irresponsible and now I have to pay for it.
I hastily run my hands through my hair, grabbing a handful and yanking as hard as I can. I bite back a scream as my scalp feels the sting. I pull my knees up to my chest, fold my arms, bury my face and sob.
Chapter 3
I feel a shake, waking me up from my apparent nap. I must have cried myself into oblivion. I look up to see my mother standing over me. She sits down on the floor beside me. I could see the worry in her eyes, but I also see her unconditional love. The kind that shows no matter how much I screw up she is always there for me. She pulls me into her arms. I inhale the sweet smell of her perfume, basking into, willing myself not to cry. I feel so alone but at the same time safe in my mother’s arms.
I pull back to look at her. Tears glisten her skin, which makes me feel worse. She wipes the tears with the back of her hand.
“I’m so sorry mom. This wasn’t planned.” She laughs a little and stretches her legs out in front of her, crossing her arms.
“It never is. But at least you waited until you were almost eighteen.” I couldn’t help but agree. I guess it’s a family tradition. Right, what a tradition it is. “Have you told Nick?” I s
hake my head.
“Not yet. That’s going to be one Hell of a conversation. It’s going to ruin his life.” She holds my hand, gently massaging my knuckles.
“Well, he’s going to have to get used to it. It’s happening. Besides, life doesn’t always turn out the way we plan.” How can she be so calm about this? But then a thought crosses my mind.
“How’s daddy?” She looks away, briefly.
“He’ll be okay. I mean he’s shocked of course. We didn’t want this for you. But he’ll come around. I just think he’s upset that you are going to have to relive what we went through and it’s not something he wanted, it was a very hard road with a lot of turns. But like I said, life doesn’t always go as planned; you’ll always have us as support.” Then she stops as if she is thinking about something and says, “Have you thought about..?” She raises her eyebrow and I know exactly what she’s thinking.
“It crossed my mind. But I can’t. I can’t punish a baby for my mistake.” She gives a look of understanding. She sits with her long legs crossed and hands in her lap.
Did she ever consider aborting me? Would I be here if they had done things differently? The curiosity is eating at me but I refrain from asking. Maybe I don’t want to know the answer. I lean my head back against the wall and cross my legs.
“How are you feeling?” She asks. I turn to her and give a small smile.
“Scared. Stressed. A little excited. But mainly nervous about the road ahead.” She smiles.
“Once the shock wears off, it will be a wonderful experience; well it might not be at first. Oh are you feeling sick at all? They call it morning sickness. Are you having any of that?” I’m feeling a little sick that we are having this conversation. I did not expect to have a calm, rational talk with my mom about me getting pregnant at seventeen. But then again, she was younger and knows what it’s like to be in my shoes.
“I’ve been sick for the past few weeks, throwing up and all. It’s quite disturbing. That’s what made us figure out it wasn’t the flu. And then I got a pregnancy test to confirm my worst fear.” She cocked her head to the side in confusion.
“Wait, who’s us? Who else knows?” Oops! Let the cat out of the bag.
“Meg. She convinced me to get a test. We went to Target and I took the test there.”
“How long have you known?” She asks, hurt crossing her features and is clearly in her voice. Don’t mothers know their daughters don’t tell them everything first? That’s what best friends are for.
“Um, a few days give or so, but technically I’ve been preggo longer I suppose. I just didn’t know it. I was going to tell you and dad the night I found out, but I lost my nerve. I’m sorry.”
“I understand honey. I remember being in your position. I was terrified to tell your grandparents. But I didn’t have a Meg to help me gather up the courage. I had to do it alone, well your dad was there. But it’s not the same as having a female best friend supporting you the whole time. You’re lucky to have her.” This was my chance to ask. Did I want to know the answer?
“Did you ever consider aborting me?” I blurt out before I could stop myself. I cringe at my tone. She flinched, totally caught off guard by my boldness. She looks away a few times before meeting my gaze when she finally speaks.
“Honestly, it was my first thought but not for very long at all. I cried for hours, scared. I was sixteen, immature, still a kid myself. I wasn’t sure what the answer was. Your father was three years older than me and I didn’t know if he wanted to have a baby with a kid. He was ecstatic however. He wasn’t bothered by the changes it would bring, which made it even worse for me. I was afraid he’d leave me when I least expected it. But he stuck around. We fought over money. I was stressing about where we’d live, how I’d finish school.” She looks lost in the moment, remembering that time in her life. It made me smile thinking of how my father was there for her the whole time. Somehow I doubt I’d be that lucky.
“But in the end, it worked out. We lived with my parents until I turned eighteen. Then your dad and I got a place. He worked and my mother took care of you during the day. I did think early on that maybe it was more than I could handle. It was a brief thought that I shoved out of my mind. So yes, I had thought about it. But I knew I’d regret it every day for the rest of my life.” She looks at me taking my hand in hers and I lean my head on her shoulder. It is really nice to do this, even when my mom knows this big secret that will change all of our lives. As long as I have her by my side, I know I will survive.
My phone beeps, alerting a text message-breaking my moment with my mother.
“Phone.” She nudges me with her shoulder. I reluctantly lift my head, sigh and cross the room to my bed, checking my phone.
“Hey babe! Wanna meet up? I’ve got some news.” Shit! I feel my face flush and burn under my skin. I bite my lower lip, contemplating my next move.
“Nick?” My mom asks, startling me. I meet her gaze and just shake my head. She gives me an encouraging smile. I plop down on my bed, phone in hand, silently asking for guidance from whoever might be listening.
If Nick left me, I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t know if I could raise a baby on my own with no money or a place to live. I’m not strong enough. I feel a tear slide down my cheek.
Son of a bitch, I’m getting so emotional. I need to get them under control before I fall apart. It can’t be good for the fetus. Wow, I just said fetus as if it’s the most normal occurrence in one’s life. My mother slides on the bed next to me. She grabs my shoulders and squeezes. I look to her, hoping she has good advice.
“You gonna tell him tonight?”
“Should I? I’m so scared mom. What if this news leaves me alone to face the biggest change of my life? I can’t raise a baby on my own.” She closes her eyes, grabs my hand and silently prays. Well, that’s what it looks like she’s doing.
When she opens her eyes, she smiles, a real pretty motherly smile. Okay mom, what the Hell you up to?
“You should tell him tonight. He needs to know. If he leaves you, then he’s an asshole and not worth a damn. But at least he’ll know and it will be one less thing to stress about.” Great, what useful advice. Thanks mom!
I hit the reply button on my phone and text back. “We need to talk.” My fingers are shaking and hover over the buttons. I close my eyes and hit send.
Chapter 4
Nick picks me up about a half hour later. His black car is a little dirty, clothes and school stuff strewn all over the back seat. He gives me a kiss as I get in.
“You look beautiful baby. Sorry I’ve been so busy lately. I’ve got some great news to share.” I’ve got news too, not sure if it qualifies as great though. My stomach is in all kinds of knots and I almost ask him to pull over so I can vomit. I can’t tell if it’s due to the pregnancy or if it’s because my nerves are shot to hell. But I’m betting it could be both. He grabs my hand and massages my knuckles with his thumb. Oh yes, keep doing that. It’s totally relaxing me. I watch out the window as the cars and trees fly by.
“Where are we going?” I ask still looking out the window.
“I thought I’d take you to the baseball fields. It’s our place of peace. We love it there. Is that okay?” He asks. I glance at him and smile.
“Yeah, sounds great. Can I have a drink first? I’m a little thirsty.”
“How about we stop and get some food and take it to the fields.” I nod and grin. I could use some food, except I’m not sure that’s a good idea depending on how this goes down. I wonder what kind of good news he’s talking about. Maybe he found a love for something other than football so when I tell him my news he’ll be ecstatic for us to be a family and start our life together after graduation. Then we can move to Florida or California and get a beach house or something. Oh that would really make me happy. Even if we lived in an apartment or smaller house, I wouldn’t care. As long as I had him by my side, nothing else would matter.
“Gracie.” I mechanically move my he
ad in his direction, unsure what he said.
“Huh?” I say.
“What do you want to eat?” I look out his window and see he had pulled up to a Jack in the Box to get food. Ick that is not what I had in mind. Nothing.
“I’ll just have a chicken Panini and a coke.” I tell him. There is one thing that’s for sure, when I was a little girl I played dress up all the time and pretended to be a princess and was rescued by the most fascinatingly charming man in all the land. Sure, it was make believe, but it was MY make believe. I just hope tonight Nick proves to me that it doesn’t only happen in movies. I love him. And we’ve talked about kids before, just for the hell of it. But it was something we both wanted one day. Someday. I could see him being a dad. He was always good with my little brother, when he made time for him. That’s important to me. He is important to me. Oh God, I think I’m going to be sick. I discreetly cover my mouth with the back of my hand and turn my body towards the door so he can’t see.
“Here babe.” He hands me the bag of our food and I quickly swallow the bile that is threatening to jump out of my mouth.
“Dammit!”
“What?” He says, startled. Did I just say that out loud?
“Nothing, I bit my tongue.” I quickly blurt out. He smiles, takes my hand and gently kisses my finger. Please, don’t leave me! I want to say. I wipe the sweat from my palms on my jeans and lean my head back on the headrest.
“Have you been sleeping well? You look tired.” He states. He has no idea.
“Um, yeah I guess I could use a little more sleep. I’ve been having bad dreams.” Which is true, I’ve been having some weird crazy nightmares the last few nights. Sometimes I wake up crying or screaming. Is that normal for pregnancy? I guess I will have to write that question down for the doctor to answer.
“Oh, well you should call me when that happens. Or go see a doctor. They can give you meds for that.” Yeah, too bad I can’t take anything for it.
