Choices

by Annie Brewer

  Dear Journal,

  Today I had a test in chemistry. I think it went well. But my mind was nowhere near where it should have been. Instead I was thinking about this really hot guy I met in the hall. He had dark hair and greenish eyes with a sexy smile. Oh and he winked at me. Can you believe that? I can’t even do that. It’s not fair. But he looked like an angel. He happens to be the principle’s son. Crazy, I know. I think my hormones are raging and I am having a hard time controlling them. I’m going to buy that pregnancy book that everyone talks about. I need to educate myself. I know nothing about my body during pregnancy. Wait-dammit! I just remembered what I wanted to ask the doctor. My nightmares. Okay well, I wrote it down, there. I have my next appointment a week from today. I’ll get to see my baby. I have mixed feelings about it. Well, until next time.

  Gracie

  I set my pen down and close my journal. This was the best idea I’ve had. Each time I write down my feelings, I feel a little lighter. Why did I stop? I used to write in a diary when I was seven or eight. Those pages were covered front to back. I smile to myself. Maybe this pregnancy is not such a bad thing after all. Well, except the fact that I can’t keep anything down so I don’t eat, and as tired as I am, I can’t sleep most nights. Oh yeah and there’s mood swings and emotional spells. But other than that…ha!

  “Gracie?” I hear my brother call my name. He’s standing in the doorway.

  “Hey buddy.” I hold my arms out to him and he gladly walks into them. I rub his back while his arms are wrapped tight around me.

  “Are you okay Ty?” I ask rubbing his cheek.

  “Yeah, want to play the play station with me?” He pulls back to look at me. I smile and tap my pointer finger on his nose.

  “I’ve got one better. Let’s go play ball in the back yard.” His face lights up. I love when he’s happy like this. He’s on a baseball team and he’s really good. If he keeps at it, he’s going to blow everyone away.

  We grab our gear and head out to the back yard. It’s a big yard. We usually only do practices here but when he really wants to work on his batting skills, we go to the baseball fields. I used to play softball and volleyball. But that was a long time ago, or so it seems. Now I am preparing for a different life.

  Chapter 9

  I head to my locker after lunch. And again, I didn’t eat anything. It was pizza day and I didn’t eat. Me, The Pizza Queen. That says something. Good thing I have a doctor’s appointment today. I am so tired of being sick. I need help! I am now leaving for the day. I found out I got a 94 on my chemistry test from last week. It’s a big deal, though I get A’s and B’s in most of my classes, chemistry is the one I struggle with. I need a tutor. I put my books and bag in my locker because I don’t need it being that I didn’t eat lunch and instead I did my homework. That might be the only good thing about this sickness.

  “Gracie?” I whirl around to see Carter standing behind me. Hi, we’ve got back to last week apparently. Is he stalking me now? I smile at the absurd thought. He’s not here to see you Gracie! My subconscious laughs at my stupidity.

  “Where you off to?” He’s still standing there, crossing his arms. Arms, oh those muscles are nice.

  “Hi Carter.” I finally say. “I’m just going to the doctor.”

  “Well, it feels like deja vu, except this time you’re not crying. Having a better day?” He teases. Yes, now that you’re here. I grit my teeth and grin. I wonder if he knew my situation if he would be more understanding.

  “Well, um it was nice to uh, see you again. Sorry, but I have to go now. See you again.” I’m sure. I stutter like a fool, rolling my eyes at myself. Get it together Gracie!

  “Okay. See ya.” He says a gleam in his eye. I look away and blush, making my way out the door. Once I get outside, I feel a waft of September air and it feels good compared to the stifling heat in the school. I see my mom’s parked car; she’s reading it looks like. I look from my car down the lot back to hers. Am I supposed to follow her? Oh wait, no she wanted to come to this appointment. I walk to her car and open the door.

  “I guess I’m leaving my car here?”

  “I told you I wanted to come to your appointments with you. Just leave it here and we’ll pick it up later. Now get in.” I’m really happy to have my mom. I don’t know what I’d do without her endless support through all of this. I get in and shut the door.

  “So, who’s the new guy?” She catches me off guard.

  “Excuse me?” I ask dumbfounded.

  “Come on Gracie, I’m not blind. When you came outside, you had like this goofy grin on your face. And though I was reading, I saw it but put my head down so you didn’t notice. So come on, tell me. Who is the guy that put that smile on your face?” I smile to myself, thinking about Carter and wondering if I should tell her the truth. Is there anything to tell her? He’s just a guy I met I happen to find attractive, doesn’t mean anything right? Of course it doesn’t. I’m going to have a baby.

  “His name is Carter. I just met him last week.” Is all I say. She can come up with her own assumptions. She scans my face for more answers but comes up short.

  “That’s it? No details? No last name? Just Carter? What grade is he in?” I’m really glad he doesn’t go to school with me. If my mom met him, she’d embarrass the crap out of me. I put my shades on and lean back in my seat.

  “He doesn’t go to school with me. He’s hot; I’m not telling you his last name.” She’ll probably figure out who he is once that slides. “And it doesn’t matter anyway since I’m having a baby. My dating life is over. I think that’s enough information for now. Oh and can we get a drink please? I’m thirsty.”

  She opens her mouth like she’s going to protest, then shuts it. Smart move, mom! I think. We pull into an Arby’s and get drinks.

  “What would you have done if dad left when you found out you were pregnant with me?” I’m not sure where that came from but I guess I had to ask.

  She casts a glance in my direction, keeping both of her hands on the steering wheel. “I’d like to say I would have done the same thing as far as having you, even if I had to do it alone. But I just don’t know. Your dad was my biggest source of support. I had my parents too, but with your dad, I somehow knew things would be okay. It would work out one way or another.” Am I doing the right thing? Are there other scared girls going through the same thing? Maybe I‘d feel better if I knew there was.

  “Maybe I should join a support group for pregnant teens or something.” I laugh halfheartedly, listening to how ridiculous I sound. I expect my mother to join in the laughter but instead she just smirks and says, “That sounds like a great idea.” I give her a puzzled look. I thought hearing me laugh she would catch on that I was kidding. But judging by the serious expression on her face, it’s apparent that I’m the only one who finds it funny.

  “Mom, I didn’t mean it. I was just being funny.” She looks over at me and pats my hand with her right one.

  “Honey, I think that’s a great idea. You seem to be having a hard time with this. Maybe talking with other girls going through the same thing would help a little. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” I lean my head back again and close my eyes.

  “Gracie.” I feel a shake of my arm and bolt upright, sleepily.

  “Huh?” How long was I out? I look around and see the big brown building to my right. Damn, I’m more tired than I thought. We get out of the car and head up to the second floor.

  I sign in and take a seat. I stifle a yawn, covering my mouth.

  “You need more sleep Gracie.” My mother informs me as if I wasn’t already aware of this fact. I just nod, pulling my knees to my chest.

  “Gracie.” I jump up at the sound of my name, startling the nurse. “Sorry, I’m not myself today. Or perhaps I’m overly excited about this appointment.” I joke. She laughs and says “This way”, leading us to the scale to get my weight and height. I’m getting the idea that every appointment goes like this: weight, height, blood work, a
nd sonograms. Maybe if I saw the sonogram of this little guy or girl growing inside of me, my attitude would change. I hope. I don’t want to be miserable or irritable. It’s not the baby’s fault their mother didn’t take precautions.

  “Have you been eating Gracie?” The nurse asks me, interrupting my thoughts. I shake my head slowly. “I’m having a hard time keeping things down, except crackers and Ginger Ale. But I’m seriously boycotting those two things when I get my appetite back.” I see a line of concern on her forehead. “I’m having a killer pregnancy so far. When does it get better? I miss food. Today was pizza day at school and I, being the pizza freak, couldn’t eat it. The smell alone was nauseating.” She shrugs and writes on her chart.

  “Gracie, I’m concerned. You need to eat more. You haven’t gained much since your last appointment.” Shit! What the hell does this woman expect me to do? Eat just to puke it up? No thanks!

  “Come on, let’s go to the room.” We follow her down the hall to the right and I automatically head for the bed and lie down. Oh comfy bed is calling my name. I just need to lie down for a few minutes…No! I need to stay awake. I sit my knees up and bounce them up and down so the noise will keep me distracted.

  “Good afternoon Gracie. How are we today?” Dr. Banks strolls in, all chipper. I wish I had her energy and attitude. I sit up, instantly regretting it as a spell of dizziness overwhelms me. I grab my head and massage gently.

  “Hi. Aside from being dizzy at the moment and exhausted and being underweight and constantly sick, I guess I’m okay.”

  “Yes, we need to discuss your eating and sleeping patterns. But first I want to do a pap smear. Then we will see if we can listen to the heartbeat.” I immediately change my demeanor and perk up. I also raise my hand as I would if I was in school right now. But then lower it because it’s evident that I’m not in school.

  “Can we check for the heartbeat first? Please. I want to put my mind at ease before I go through hell with the pap.” I hate those things. They are so uncomfortable.

  “Okay, let’s go and see if we can hear this baby’s heartbeat.” She grins and we follow her to a room with a bunch of electronic looking equipment. It’s quite intimidating at first. She pats the bed and I jump up to lay down. She puts elastic gloves on and takes some jelly material gooey stuff. “Lift your shirt. I need to put this stuff on your belly. Be warned, it’s cold.” She smothers it over my belly and oh, yes this stuff is very cold. I suck in a breath. Oh. Kay.

  She holds up some instrument and says, “This is called a Doppler. What I’m going to do is feel around for the baby’s heartbeat. I will move it over the jelly and that tracks the fetus. So let’s get started.” She scoots the screen monitor machine closer to the bed. Then she rubs the Doppler over my belly. It feels weird, but not in a bad way.

  “Now bear in mind, this is probably too soon to hear the heartbeat. Generally you hear it the first time at ten weeks or more. But I thought we could try anyway. You will definitely get pictures though.”

  I look at the screen and see a bunch of squiggly lines indicating a baby. I’m lost for words. I remember an episode of Friends where Rachel sees her baby for the first time, except she couldn’t see it. How could she miss it? It takes up the whole thing. It’s not that big, in fact it’s rather tiny. My little jelly bean.

  “Here’s the mouth and it’s little hand. The other one I imagine is hidden.” She points to each body parts she detects. I’m mesmerized at this point. “That’s my baby?” I ask, obviously in shock. That little speck is growing in me. I start to feel angry with myself for not being able to eat. Is it supposed to be that small? Maybe. But I still need to force myself to eat. This baby is depending on me for its nutrients.

  “Okay, it’s too soon for the heartbeat. But do you want a picture?” I peel my eyes away from the screen long enough to look at her and nod. “Of course! Please.”

  The machine is showing parts of the baby and parts of my body that the baby is using as shelter from the world. My eyes water and at the moment and I don’t care if I start crying right here. The baby is so tiny and real…and mine.

  My mother stands beside me, rubbing my back. Clearly as enamored as I am. “What a little cutie this baby is already.” I mechanically move my head in a nod.

  “Yeah, that’s mine.” I say in a monotone voice.

  Once she prints the picture out and hands it to me, I don’t let go. I’ll never let go.

  The Pap smear was uncomfortable as usual. I almost flew off the bed. I swear being a girl has major disadvantages. What do guys have to go through? Not as much as girls I’m sure and that just sucks.

  Dr. Banks went over my diet and what I can and can’t have at this point. No caffeine? That is so unfair! Telling a caffeine addict they can’t have caffeine is like telling an alcoholic they can’t have alcohol. It doesn’t work. Ugh, that’s going to be a very painful ride for me. Suck it up Gracie! Think about the baby! I tell myself.

  I’m sleep deprived and must remedy that. Thanks for the help Doc! She gave me a list of helpful-or no so helpful tips for sleep. So reading being one of them, this works on most people. But for me, I enjoy it sometimes. Also, she said a snack would help, but when I can’t already eat much to begin with, it’s hard to eat a snack. I guess when I get that “What to Expect” book, it should have more helpful information.

  After the appointment we leave and schedule another one for next month. It will be monthly now until towards the end of the pregnancy. I am in the first trimester right now. One more month and I’ll be out of this sickness crap, so they say. I sure hope this is true. I have a lot of things to figure out and don’t need to be sick or tired all the time. But at least the next appointment I will get to hear the heartbeat. That’s what I’m looking forward to, putting this heartbeat together with this baby on my picture. I rub my belly gently, as we leave the doctor.

  Chapter 10

  They say your senior year is the best year of your life. And it is true. During your senior year, you’re getting ready to embark on a new chapter in life. Some will go away to college; some will just work a good job they had through good connections. I mean after you graduate, you’re free. You become an adult and head into the real world of the unknown, with endless possibilities. You don’t have to listen to anyone or take orders, except at work. Your senior year is supposed to be the end of your childhood. Also, it’s a year where you look back and remember all the great times with friends and the memories. The memories of the school dances, prom, football games, parties, just being a kid one last time before getting thrown out on your ass to face the cruel, heartless world seems to be something else entirely now.

  I’ve been waiting for this last year of high school since I started it freshman year. I planned on going to college, maybe getting a degree in teaching or as a vet. Maybe even moving to California or someplace warm on the beach would have been on my to-do list. I had a future that was uncertain but I was going to be with Nick and we were going to get a place together, and go wherever his career took us. It would have been an amazing adventure. And I couldn’t wait to start this year and end it with a Bang!

  Today, my life is just starting. And it’s taken a different path. As I sit on my bed grasping the sonogram picture in my hands, I stare at what is growing inside of me. If someone had told me a year ago that I was going to be spending my senior year of high school pregnant, I would have laughed in their face or maybe even punched them. But to see it with my own eyes is another story. This picture symbolizes my future. No more thinking about what I need or what I want, but now I must prepare and consider what this baby will need. At first it was unsettling to think about caring for a child-a baby actually, when I’m still a kid myself. But now I feel elation mixed with serenity. I wish Nick was with me to see firsthand what we’ve created together. I feel a tear slide down my cheek and it splashes the picture. I wipe it away and observe the different lines and gaze at the little peanut. So okay, I won’t have memories of the cool part
ies, dances and games with my friends. Instead, I will have memories of nausea, swollen ankles, raging hormones, aching breasts which will protrude with milk eventually, fatigue and a belly the size of a basketball. And that’s okay. I’ve accepted my life is going to be different. I think I’m finally getting used to the idea.

  It’s hard to tell right now but I dare to say this baby has my fingers and Nick’s little toes. As tiny as it is, it’s got a cute nose or so I picture it having a button nose. I smile transfixed by the sight. You and me against the world, little buddy. I kiss the picture.

  “What are you doing?” Tyler stalks into my room. I hastily put the picture down, away from my face.

  “Oh hey buddy. I just uh smelled the picture. I hear it has a different scent than regular paper.” Wow, that was lame. But so far it seemed to work. He sits down beside me on my bed and looks at it.

  “Is that a picture of your baby?” I nod and smile.

  “Yeah, would you like to see?” He maneuvers himself and smiles happily. I hand him the sonogram and at first he looks at it upside down. I laugh to myself but wait for him to notice his wrongdoing. And soon he does.

  “So, where is it?” I lean over and point to the gummy bear, peanut, jelly bean fetus of a baby.

  “That’s the head, and here is an eye. Oh and see the little fingers?” We both laugh as I drape my arm over his shoulder. It feels good to laugh and forget everything else. I know I’m not completely alone. I have so much support and I couldn’t be happier.

  “So what are you going to name it?” I let out a breath and stretch my legs out. “I have no idea.” I hadn’t even thought about names yet. And it’s too soon since it won’t be for a few months until I find out the sex.