by Annie Brewer
“I’m going to have to get pregnancy clothes soon.” I say, sifting through the junior’s section in Macy’s. I hate shopping, especially for pants.
“Well, until that time comes, we are shopping here. Ah, look at these.” She takes a black pair of spandex off the rack to show me.
“Um, I’m not wearing those to work Meg.” She chuckles, clearly amused by my expression.
“No of course you’re not. But you can wear them out with Carter. He’d go gaga all over your ass.” She puts them back on the rack, moving to another rack of pants.
“I hate shopping for pants. I wish we didn’t have to wear them.” Meg laughs at me but I’m actually serious. It wouldn’t be too bad. I used to run around without pants, when I was a kid. I guess that would be indecent exposure. And a little wishful thinking.
“You look hot in pants so I’m sure whatever you buy, it will work.” I give up and stop looking when I see them outside the store, in a shoe store across from us. Nick. But he’s not alone. I tap Meg on the shoulder, staring at them. He’s with Lauren, my supposed friend.
“What?” She finally gets tired of my poking and turns around to face me. She sees me in a trance and follows my gaze.
“Well, what do you know, Lauren has converted to betrayals. I can’t believe she’d do that to you.” Meg snickers in their direction. It’s not like we’re that close anymore, anyway. I look away from them and search through the rack of blouses and shirts on sale.
“Let’s go. I’m done here.”
“What about pants? You need some Gracie.”
“Can we go to Old Navy? They always have Khakis that fit my butt just right. I’ll just find shirts from my closet to wear.”
“Okay, let’s go then.” Unfortunately, we have to walk through the mall again to get to the car. I stare straight ahead, not noticing or making eye contact, which seemed to be futile.
“Gracie?” I hear a voice and cringe with disgust. Jana. I turn around to face her.
“Oh, Jana what a surprise to see you here. I thought you’d be at Slut’s R Us down the street since it’s more your style.” I give her a condescending smile, and her girls laugh at my inappropriate comment. I couldn’t help myself.
“It’s funny; you should talk since your style is fat barn. You’re looking a little pudgy these days.” I should have seen that coming. Inside I’m fuming, wanting to rip her hair out of her head but on the outside, I’m calm and composed. I will not cry. I will not cry. “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot you’re pregnant with a bastard child. Poor thing. I actually feel sorry for it.”
“Why don’t you get the fuck out of here Jana, before the ambulance has to carry your ass out in a body bag.” Meg is in her face now. They are about the same height, except Jana is more fragile compared to Meg. At least she doesn’t look like a skeleton-that bulimic bimbo should be scared.
“What the hell is going on here?” Nick is beside Jana. He looks from Meg to Jana to me. When he sees me and my belly, an expression I cannot quite decipher crosses his features.
“Nothing, we were just leaving. Come on Meg.” I drag her away by the arm, Nick calling after me but I don’t stop walking until we get outside. I let go of Meg’s arm and grab my belly. Shit
“What’s wrong?” Meg asks concerned, her hand on my back.
I stand up straight and put my hands on my hips. “Do I look any fatter to you?” I ask, suddenly feeling nauseous. She steps back to inspect me. I hug myself, a little self-conscious.
“Don’t mind what that skank says. You look great.”
“No, tell me. Do I look fat or pudgy?” I am not sure why I am asking this. It’s not like I can expect to never gain weight. But still, I ask and I’m upset. Normally I wouldn’t care what others think. But it’s different now, everything is different. And I’m having a hard time with the adjustment. She takes me by the shoulders and looks me in the eyes. “You have to gain weight Gracie. It’s part of the process. Stop worrying what Bimbo Barbie tells you. She’s a bitch that needs to be slapped around a bit.” I drop my head in my hands and let a flood of tears take charge. Meg wraps her arms around me and I cry, not holding back a single tear.
“Shh.” Meg rubs my back soothingly until my crying becomes less. “Look, I’m not trying to be harsh, but you need to accept everything that is happening. You made this choice and though it is not easy, you have to deal with it.” I let out little noises from my throat and hiccup.
“Let’s go. We can go to the café if you want.” And let Carter witness me like this again? No thank you. I shake my head and start walking.
“I just want to go home. I’ll get some pants some other time. I need to be alone for a while.” She looks disappointed for a split second before nodding as we get in the car.
My first day approaches quickly. I dig through my closet and find a pair of black dress pants that will have to do until I go shopping again. I lay them out on my desk chair, then shuffle through my shirts and find a red and black silk blouse with roses on the front. After I lay it over the pants, I brush my teeth and get into my pajamas. Apprehension settling in my stomach, I wonder if working is really the best idea but that thought quickly gets tossed when I figure I am doing the best thing for me, and my baby.
I hear my phone alert me of a text and snatch it off my desk. Have a great day at school tomorrow. I’ll see you at work. And don’t be nervous, you’ll do great! –C
I smile at the sweet message, feeling a little more at ease. But wonderment sets in when I remember I never gave him my number. So how did he get it? My mind instantly flashes with Meg’s face. He must have asked her for it, and normally she’d never just give my number out to anyone. It’s Carter, so I doubt she thought twice about it. I smile slightly.
“Gracie?” My mother knocks twice then opens my door.
“Hey.” I say. I sit on my bed crossing my legs.
“Hey sweetie. I just wanted to say goodnight. I’m assuming you’re going straight to work after school tomorrow?” I nod as she takes a seat beside me. She pushes a few strands of hair behind my ear, smiling.
“Yep.” I respond.
“Are you nervous?” About my first day of work? No, I am actually kind of excited. But am I nervous about seeing Carter more often? Yes.
“No, I think it will be great. It will keep me busy and it gives me something to do.” She glances at the clothes hanging on the chair and points.
“Is that what you’re wearing?” She asks curiously.
“Yeah, I need to go shopping. But it won’t be long before I have to get maternity clothes. Do you think I should wait?”
She tilts her head, thinking about my question. “Well, you could get some cheap pants for now, then when it’s time we can go to the maternity store. It’s whatever you want to do. My eyes start to close involuntarily as I’m still in sitting position.
“Go to sleep Gracie.” I hear my mom say as the bed moves under our weight. My eyes snap open as she bends down to give me a hug and kiss on the cheek. I fall over on my pillow without getting under the covers.
“I love you sweetheart. Get some sleep.”
I mumble something barely audible in my pillow, “I love you too. Goodnight mom” and quickly drift off to sleep.
“So Carter sent me a text last night. Any idea how he got my number?” I ask Meg on the way to school. She shakes her head staring out the windshield, brows furrow contemplative.
“Didn’t you give it to him?”
“No, he gave me his but I never gave mine.” I know she’s playing dumb and trying to be suave. But I know her better than that.
“I’m not sure what you are talking about.” She glances at me out of the corner of her eye. I laugh, shaking my head.
“Okay, I’ll just ask him later then.”
“Mason and I are going out tonight. Our first date.” I look at her dreamy smile.
“That’s awesome. Where’s he taking you?”
“He won’t tell me.” She pouts, making me l
augh.
“As long as you’re back in time to pick me up from work, I don’t care where y’all go.” She looks at me smirking, I glance out the window. “Of course, I hope you have a wonderful night together.”
“Thanks. So look at you. You got a job and a new friend, no wait a new hot friend all in the same night. This baby is turning you into a daredevil.” I chuckle at her astonishment, then she adds, “Speaking of, when do you find out the sex?”
“Oh, I still have eight weeks for that but I will hear the heartbeat in about two weeks.” I have a weird feeling it’s going to be a boy but I could be totally wrong. It’s not like I have any experience with this sort of thing. But I’ve had a few dreams of having a son, maybe it’s just me hoping for a boy-subconsciously that is.
“I want to go.” I look at her confused, apparently forgetting what we were talking about.
“To your appointment. I want to go. I want to be one of the first to find out the sex of this little angel.” She clarifies, I nod remembering the conversation now.
“It should be okay. I’d love to have you there with me.” She smiles, squeezing my hand briefly before placing it back on the steering wheel. “Are you going to tell me how Carter got my number now?” I add, changing the subject again trying to throw her off course. She looks thoughtful for a moment, then shakes her head and I drop it. I’ll just go directly to the source and ask him myself.
“What did he say?” She asks, not looking at me.
“He told me to have a good day at school and he’d see me later at work. Oh and to not worry because I’ll be great. It was really encouraging, sweet and unexpected, just when I needed it.” She smiles and we ride the rest of the way to school in silence.
Chapter 19
Halfway through English I become bored-we are reading Fahrenheit 451? I’m so lost; my mind has drifted to other things. I feel a bit sick all of a sudden. I mark my page with my pencil and dig in my purse for some crackers to kill the nausea. Is this ever going to end?
“Mrs. Jordan, we do not allow food during class. Save it for lunch please.” Damn. I look at my teacher, unsure what my excuse to give for the need of my saltines. Maybe I could say I have a health issue? But what is that health issue called when you need food before passing out?
Diabetic? That’s for sugar, I think. Anemia? I have no idea. I just stare at him dumbfounded and swallow my nausea. I sigh taking one last bite before stuffing the baggie of crackers back inside my purse.
I know it would be easier to tell the staff and my teachers my situation but while I’m not overly showing my baby bump…I think I’ll just blame my bloating and weight gain on my hormones. I pick my book up and continue reading for the rest of class.
“I think it’s so stupid.” Meg spats.
“What is?” I ask confused, picking at my lunch tray-some kind of pasta that looks more like worms in sauce than edible food. I used to love pasta. But this pregnancy has changed my taste buds a bit. Some foods I never would have thought of eating I eat, and some I’ve loved I can’t stand the smell. Then again, I haven’t been able to really enjoy food either.
“I think they should allow food in class. Some people need to eat before their lunch approaches.”
“Those are usually ones that have a problem, which they let the teachers know ahead of time. They’re allowed to have food.”
“Yeah, but what about the rest of us starving kids?” She counters.
“It’s called breakfast. I bet if you tried that, you wouldn’t be so hungry in the mornings.” I joke. Meg is not much of a breakfast eater. Her idea of a fulfilling meal is a pot of coffee. To me, that’s worse and just gross.
“Hmm, there’s an idea. Or not.” I roll my eyes at her sarcasm. I put my fork down, giving up on my lunch. At least I had an apple and some carrots that should be enough. Baby steps. I haven’t enjoyed eating when all I do is having it all come back up. It’s not good a second time. My morning sickness is slowly subsiding, allowing me to keep some food down. But one look at the so called pasta they serve here and I’m afraid I’d lose whatever has managed to stay down.
“Hey, what’s Carter doing here?” Meg asks, nudging my shoulder. Just at the mention of his name, a swarm of butterflies violate my belly.
I turn to where she’s pointing and sure enough he’s standing in the hall leading to the cafeteria scanning the crowd, as if he’s searching for someone. A smile touches his lips when he spots me as I get up to approach him.
“Hey, I’m not stalking you I promise.” He says shyly.
“So are you lost then?” I tease.
He looks away a little embarrassed and shoves his hands in his pockets. I can’t help but laugh at the prospect.
“So, what’s up?”
“Oh I just wanted to say hi. But now I feel like an idiot.” I smile, causally leaning against a locker. He looks over my shoulder into the cafeteria. His eyebrows scrunch up in confusion.
“Are Meg and Mason doing it?” He asks still looking at them. I glance their way and notice them in an embrace at the table. I look back at Carter who is now staring at me.
“Um, well they’re actually a couple now, finally.” I state. He smiles.
“I always knew they liked each other. Good for them.” I straighten and stretch my legs, popping my back in the process. It helps relieve some of the stress I’ve been carrying, although it’s probably not good for my pregnancy.
“What about you?” He asks, smirking.
“What about me?” I’m confused at the direction of the conversation.
“Are you…seeing anyone?” My cheeks heat up and I look away to hide the awkwardness. I’m seeing you. My subconscious butts in, or maybe the hormones are talking. I immediately shove that voice to the back of my mind.
“Nope, not anymore. High school guys are so immature. And selfish.” I add hastily.
“So what’s the real reason you came here?” I ask, trying not to sound snotty.
“I just wanted to tell you that I had some business to take care of, so if you get to the café and I’m not there, I’d be back shortly. I didn’t want you to freak out on your first day.” I look back at Meg and she’s looking at us now, a mischievous grin on her lips.
“Okay, thanks for the heads up. By the way, how did you get my number?” His face turns red and I internally shout obscenities at my blutness.
“I, uh well I asked Meg because I wanted to wish you luck and I realized you never gave it to me. I hope you didn’t mind. I don’t stalk girls or anything. I know you’ll be great today.”
“It’s okay. It actually eased some of my worry believe it or not. This is my first job and though I’m excited, there is still some doubt hanging around waiting for me to screw up. I just want to be good enough.” It feels natural to lie, because at first it wasn’t the job that had my nerves in a wad but if I was to be completely honest with myself I knew deep down that I’m afraid of humiliating myself and not knowing how to make coffee the right way. It feels good to get it out, but of course I have to keep the other reason for my tangled nerves to myself, at least for now.
“I’m glad it helped. I’ll be there to show you the ropes. If you have any questions, I’ll be there.” He’s leaning against the lockers, mirroring my position with his arms crossed over his chest. I can’t help but stare at his natural beauty. Why do guys have it so easy? They don’t have to work hard to look their best. He stands there with his GQ look and his hair over his eyes that are screaming to be pushed away from his face.
“Thanks Carter. I appreciate it.”
“No problem. Well, hey I better head out. I’ll see you later.” He stands upright and starts walking away.
“Hey Carter?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks again for the job.” I smile. He returns a smile of his own and nods, walking through the double doors that lead to the parking lot.
“What the fuck was that about?” Meg asks grinning when I approach the table.
�
��Do you always have to use such vulgarity Meg?” She laughs.
“Do you always have to answer a question with a question?” Now I laugh and nod.
“Well, Gracie you ought to know me by now. It’s always a yes.”
“I’d hate to break it to you but once this baby comes, you’re going to have to edit your language.” She stops laughing and mumbles a “yes ma’am”.
The rest of the day flies by pretty quickly. After the last bell rings, I scamper out of History class to my locker to collect my backpack. I feel a tap on my shoulder, startled I turn around and come face to face with Jana. I narrow my eyes at her, crossing my arms in front of my chest defiantly.
“Jesus. Can I help you?” She smiles wickedly, her wannabes beside her for support or whatever.
“I just want to know what you were doing talking to that hottie at lunch today.” For a moment I have to search my brain for what she could be babbling about now, before it clicks. Carter. Oh Hell no, she needs to back off that one.
“What business is it of yours?” I ask, trying to stay calm not letting her know I’m affected by her audacity. She gives me a death glare.
“I just think it’s funny how quickly you move from guy to guy. You really are a whore.” Irritation flares in my bones and I have to fight my desire to break her nose.
“Back off.” I say loudly, drawing a crowd around my locker.
“Just calling it like I see it.” She smiles again, clearly enjoying my discomfort of the situation.
“You don’t know shit about me.” I spat, venom lacing my words and tone. She gives me a once over at my attire. Yeah, I’m not the best dresser at times. It’s time to remedy that. Although I don’t care to look like her either, in her skimpy shorts and skirts that show the fat in her ass. Okay, so she doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her, it’s her bones that stick out. That’s just as bad.
“What did Nick see in you anyway?” She makes a disgusted face. I look away, willing my tears to stay inside my eyes. She just wants me to break down in front of her so she can humiliate me. I will show no fear.
