“No.”
He had to release her. He had to. She struggled, her fists screwed into tight little balls as she tried to hit him.
“Keira, you have to stop this and let me speak to you.” He didn’t sound angry, but he wouldn’t let her go. She didn’t want to have to look at him and face that intense midnight gaze, yet she couldn’t help hearing his voice, deep and gentle yet commanding, which made her mad as hell.
“Stop being so bloody bossy, Tom! You never let up, do you?” she thundered against his chest.
“Stop being so bloody bossy. Now I know you’re angry with me.”
Her head flew back, and she stared at him defiantly and wished she hadn’t.
Because he was worse than ever, searching, probing her, defying her to leave him.
Why? What could he possibly want with her now? After he’d shattered her heart into a thousand tiny pieces that would never be put back together.
“I only brought the picture because I promised Ben. If ever I’d known you were here, I would never have come.” She knew she was babbling, but her words had stirred something within the mush that was her brain. “Why are you here, Tom?”
“Why are you, Keira?”
“Where’s Charlie?” she asked mutinously. Still, he had her fast in his arms, and it all felt so annoying and macho and like being wrapped in a rough, warm, comforting coat that was way too big for her.
“I don’t know, but if he was here and he heard me, I guess he made a smart exit out of the garden door.”
Keira wanted to howl out the pain and anguish he had brought into her life, all the sleepless nights, the legacy he had left her which she loved and feared for all at the same time.
“We need time. We’ve always needed time to be alone together and to sort things out.”
Sort things out? How could they sort out the mess they were in? She with a secret baby on the way. Tom hell-bent on the guilt trip of a lifetime.
How had she ever let things come to this? How had he?
“Let’s sit down.” He had her hand so tightly in his, his strong, big hand around her small one, leading her to the sofa, urging her to sit next to him and be warm and comforted. She knew then that her strength was almost gone. Maybe had already gone, every last shred.
Tom saw the bottom lip jutting out, the blazing eyes, and his whole world shifted on its axis. So this was love. He knew that now more certainly than he’d ever known anything in his life. He’d thought he knew he was to blame for Sarah’s death, but now he knew that was self-delusion, guilt and grief. What he felt for Keira was deep, unstoppable love, and it was the most frightening, out-of-control feeling he’d ever known. Why was Keira here? Please, please, let it be for him. She hadn’t run out on him again yet, and he wouldn’t give up without a fight this time. He wouldn’t let her leave until he’d sacrificed every last breath in his body.
Chapter Sixteen
“Tell me why you came to the Lodge, Keira? You said you promised someone… Who did you promise? Was it to see Charlie?”
“Well, it sure wasn’t to see you,” she said, delivering a body blow a hundred times harder than her fists against his chest. “Because I knew you weren’t here. Charlie said you’d already gone.”
“I had gone, but only as far as London, and now, as you can see, I’m back. I’ll explain in a moment. First, I need to know why you came here.”
She still looked mutinous, and beneath her eyes there was uncertainty and pain. His blood ran cold. That was pain he’d caused, and he wondered how he could ever make up for it.
“Like I said, I brought you a painting from Ben Chalmers. He begged me to bring it, and I said I’d ask Charlie to make sure you got it. He was almost in tears when I said no, so I had to promise I’d deliver it personally.”
All Tom could do was thank every star in the heavens for Ben and his persistence. That boy had saved him a trip to Keira’s flat, because that was where he’d been headed after he’d come home from London, changed and planned how he would be able to convince her that he loved her—and find out if she could ever love him the same way. Her rejection of him at the flat had tormented him every minute of the past few days; he felt he’d walked away too easily, let her off too lightly. He’d made a decision now about his future, and he had to see if she would ever be part of it.
“Let’s look at this picture, shall we?”
He pulled the stopper from the end of tube and carefully extracted the sheet of paper inside and spread it apart on the coffee table with both hands.
He caught his breath.
Forget the works of art that lined Carew Hall. This picture was beyond price. It was as bright and bold and beautiful as the woman who sat next to him now. He saw the trees and the river, recognised the dugong and the spider and the man surrounded by children.
A broad smile spread over his face. “Is this meant to be me?”
Keira nodded, and his stomach clenched as he saw the gleam of tears in her eyelashes.
“There seems to be someone missing, Keira.” Her head was bowed. “Someone important.” Look at me, he begged silently. Please look and see how much I love you…
“You should be part of this picture.”
She shook her head. “I can’t. It’s hopeless.”
Hopeless?
He knew she was right in one respect, because some situations were hopeless and there really was nothing you could do. Sometimes, not even giving your whole life for those you loved would turn back the clock, but for those who were left behind, there had to be hope that life could change, that you could move on.
This woman, sitting here, looking pale and tired and absurdly beautiful, had brought about a seismic shift in his life.
“Do you remember what you said to me after I called at the flat?” he asked her. “Maybe in another time, another place, it might have happened for us.” He let the painting lie on the table now and took her hands again. “What if there was another time, another place?”
He’d taken a big leap of faith yesterday in David Garside’s office as he’d reached for the perfect prize he wanted more than anything in the world, and now he took an even bigger one. “I went to the new Chief Officer at Volunteers Abroad, and I told him I couldn’t go back to Papua, after all.”
Her eyes flew open wide, and he felt her pulse race away.
“Oh, Tom…”
“I told him that I was very sorry, but I had something I had to take care of that was more important to me than anything in the world.” His heart thudded now, as hard as if he’d raced a marathon. “That something is you.”
Tom knew she must be able to feel every single racketing beat of his heart, because she had her arms around him and he could hardly believe the strength of the hug she gave him, the feel of her small fingers on his back. Stroking her hair, he let it all out, all the emotion he’d kept stoppered up since the moment he’d taken her in his arms at the wedding.
That morning, waiting outside David Garside’s office at the headquarters of Volunteers Abroad, he’d felt remarkably calm. He’d thought he was in control as he’d rehearsed the speech he’d spent a whole night running through. Then that door had opened, and the familiar figure of David, his friend, thinner and older than Tom had remembered, had gazed down at him. “Tom.”
His rehearsed words had rushed headlong out of his mind, but he knew he was doing the right thing in trying one last time to make his peace with David.
“Keira, I don’t know if I’ve made a huge mistake. I hope not, from the way you’re holding me now. I’ve certainly taken a huge risk, for I don’t know whether you feel that you can be here with me.”
Gently settling his hand under her chin and tilting back her head to look at him, he whispered, “That night I came to the flat with the story board—I planned to ask you to come to Papua with me.”
Her body shuddered in his arms, and she groaned out loud. “No.”
“I knew you wouldn’t have come with me, that you have your lif
e here. It was wrong of me to even think it.”
“If you had asked me, I…” She faltered as she thought again of the tiny life flowering inside her, knowing he still had no idea what they had created.
“You would have said no. I know that. I heard you loud and clear.”
“But I didn’t mean that. It isn’t what you think.”
“No. I asked far too much. Back there in the flat, I know I only offered you part of me, a part with so many strings attached and a ton of baggage. Well, now I’m offering you the whole sorry, inept package. If you’ll take it. I love you, Keira.”
“Oh, Tom.”
The tidal wave of love and relief that washed through her threatened to sweep her off her feet. Literally, she felt very unsteady in the leg department, and holding on to Tom might be the only thing keeping her upright. Much as she loved him, she didn’t think it warranted passing out, but then again…Tom loved her. He loved her, and surely this was the most wonderful feeling anyone could ever experience.
“Believe me Tom, I—I love you too. I’ve loved you for so long, and because I love you, because I care about you so much, I know you can’t give up everything for me. Your job means so much to you, and you said you needed it, to go back and put things right.”
She had to say it, had to remind him of the intensity of that desire and need and guilt. “I can’t compete with the needs of so many people. It would be wrong and selfish, and even though I…”
“Even though what?” His hopes hung suspended on the thread of her answer. Her blue eyes seemed brighter than ever now, lit by the glow of the fire, the sunlight filling the room.
“Even though I love you, I can’t take you away from that. It would be like cutting off part of you, and I want you whole.”
Now it was his turn to hold her more tightly than was good for her.
“I’ve thought about this night and day since I left you at the flat. I can still help people. I’ve taken a job as a GP here, and as for Volunteers Abroad”—he smiled ruefully—“there’s a rather large trust fund set up for me by my father, and it’s been untouched since my medical studies. I’m afraid that can probably be even more useful than I can, and I can supervise the administration of it myself.”
“But will you be happy staying here?”
“I’ll still be able to go out and see how my money’s helping the charity. I can act as a consultant. You can come with me, if you want to.”
“Can you listen to me for once? I want, have always wanted, the Tom I met at the wedding. The one who’s hell-bent on saving the world, though not always succeeding.”
He groaned in shame, and she laughed.
“Like I said, I want the whole Tom, wherever he is.”
“You’re right, and I knew that. The people I try to help are an important part of what I am, but you are the part that makes me whole. You’ve made me realize that being needed by lots of people is a glorious thing, but being needed by one special person is everything.”
As he held her, she felt steamrollered by her changing emotions. Here she was in Tom’s arms, and he’d told her he loved her, had changed plans for her that were once as fixed as the North Star. The new role he had forged for himself, the compromise that made the impossible, possible—that she could understand.
But what about the real demon he’d been battling? The one she’d seen him wrestle with—and lose to—that night in bed together when his nightmare had haunted them both. How could they come to terms with that?
He read her mind. Her frown, the uncertainty clouding her eyes.
“If you’re wondering what’s changed, it’s me. Keira, I said the new chief officer had agreed to me changing my role. That new chief officer is David, Sarah’s fiancé. Yes, I went up to London to change my plans—resign, if I had to—but also to do what I should have done before.”
“Perhaps you weren’t ready before.”
“Perhaps not.” He smiled. “Perhaps neither of us was, but yesterday David and I took the first step and made a start. We still have a lot more talking to do, maybe a lifetime. You know what men are like.”
Later, maybe tomorrow, he would tell her about the first tentative words between them. The hours spent in David’s office, then in the park talking, sometimes with raised voices, about the day they’d both left Sarah behind. It had hurt like hell for both of them, and he didn’t mind admitting that he’d gone back to his hotel and let out his emotions in a way he never wanted anyone to see.
All that, he would tell Keira in time. There would be no secrets between them ever again.
“I don’t really know what men are like,” she echoed, brushing his jawline with her lips, finding it rough with stubble. “I know what this one is like, and he’s shaved in a hurry this morning.”
He looked rueful. “I was in a hurry to see you. I came home to wait until the end of school. I was going to wait outside the gates for you.”
She felt her eyes welling up again and something else. She felt tired. Not in the weary, desperate way she had when she’d followed Charlie into the Lodge, but in a drowsy way that made her limbs feel like the bones had all been removed.
A delicious feeling of warmth and love.
“Tom, I love you,” she whispered.
His voice sounded much farther away as she let herself sink against his chest. “Keira, I’ve got something for you in the car. Something you forgot that night at the restaurant…”
“My rose.”
“Not quite.” He smiled. “But close. I picked it up today in Covent Garden. I was being presumptuous again.”
She screwed up the tissue and felt the tears spilling out and flowing down her face. “Tom, please don’t make me cry.”
He ignored her and stroked her hair, kissing her softly on the lips.
“I’d also like to ask you if you’d ever consider at some point in the future, putting up with me for good?”
She really did feel tired, all her emotions spent. There was a buzzing sound in her ears again, and she couldn’t make sense of it. Had he actually asked her to marry him? She must be hallucinating.
“Keira? Are you okay?”
“Tom I feel…” The room seemed dimmer, and she really was convinced she was falling asleep. “I feel funny.”
His voice was sharper now. “Do you mean faint? Or dizzy? Sick?”
“A bit dizzy.”
“You look pale. When did you last eat?”
“Last night.”
“What about breakfast?”
No, no breakfast, she thought grimly. She’d been too busy trying not to throw up, but that might happen now anyway. She pushed herself to her feet, her hand over her mouth, then passed out.
It was really, really bright when she came to, and she seemed to be half lying on the sofa. And Tom was here, and he was doing something to her… He was feeling her pulse, and he had a bloody stethoscope out. This was the most embarrassing thing, much worse than the thong incident.
“Get off me,” she mumbled, trying to push his hand away.
He gave her a look so stern that it stopped her right there and then.
“Well?” she asked.
“Your pulse is rather fast, but then again, it’s been hammering away for the past fifteen minutes.”
“You’ve been checking up on me!”
“Try and stay calm. It’s not good for you to get so excited.”
“It’s not funny.”
“Just keep still.” He reached into the bag at his feet and pulled out a blood pressure cuff.
“No way,” she said firmly as he set it on the table.
“I need to check your BP.” He pushed up her sleeve and fastened the cuff round her arm.
“Don’t fuss, Tom, please, I’m fine.”
“Keira?”
“Um,” she said mutinously.
“Open your mouth.” He pushed a thermometer inside. “Now be quiet.”
She let him do his stuff. She was in no state to protest, but now she knew i
t was time to tell him her secret. Her cheeks heated further. Now all the guilt was hers at having even dreamed of keeping the baby a secret from him. There was a sharp rip as he pulled off the cuff. He took the thermometer from her lips.
“Well?” she murmured as a lurch of concern for the baby tugged at her.
“Your BP is almost normal.”
“Told you.”
“Better to be safe. I’d still like to know why you feel faint and sick. Maybe asking you to marry me wasn’t such a good idea.”
“So you did say that thing about marrying me?”
“Absolutely. But if we do at some point, I wish you’d take care of yourself more. Going without breakfast is not a good idea. Maybe I should do some more checking,” he insisted.
He reached into his bag and brought out one of those things doctors used to examine your eyes. The exact word escaped her fuzzy mind.
“There’s no need for this, Tom. Trust me.”
“Will you always be this much trouble?” He smiled as he held up the ophthalmoscope to her eyes. “When we’re living in the same house?”
He was literally two inches from her nose. “Keira, stop twitching. I need to check your vision.”
“There is nothing wrong with my vision.”
“Let me be the judge of that.”
She let him focus on her pupils for a few seconds.
“Tom, there’s nothing wrong with my vision. I’m just a bit shocked at you being here at all and proposing, and also…” She took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”
Slowly, shakily, he lowered the instrument. She shook her head, touched his arm and smiled. “Who looks pale now?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.
“Did you hear what I said, Tom? We’re going to have a baby.”
Tom managed to squeeze out his answer, somehow, though he was sure his vocal cords, his diaphragm, his tongue had seized up completely. “Yes, I heard.”
“That night at the hall. My cycle wasn’t as predictable as I’d thought.”
His voice died in his throat. Her cycle? He knew he should have asked more, or rather he was glad he’d been reticent and irresponsible. He and Keira were having a baby. It was a simple fact of human reproduction that happened to billions of people the world over, and now it was happening to him, it seemed the most rare and precious miracle.
Fever Cure Page 18
