by Renee Hart
I joined them in Ari's room after I finished cleaning up, and I watched them shoot each other for a little while until all the blood on the screen started to bug me. Conner seemed to sense my discomfort, and after he lost the next match (I couldn't tell if he lost on purpose or if Ari was just that good), he set the controller down and said, “Thanks for the game. Is it cool if I go spend time with your mom now?”
“Yeah.” Ari shrugged, resetting the game to set it back to one-player mode. “I'll keep the door shut so you guys can make out or whatever.”
My face heated up and I gave my daughter a shocked look. She giggled at me, then turned her attention to her game.
“I'm glad you two are getting along,” I said after we left and shut Ari's door. “I was worried.”
“She's a cool kid,” he said. “And she seems way smart for her age.”
“Oh, I know,” I said. “Her teacher said they're thinking of skipping her ahead a year. And she's already reading at a college level.”
“That's pretty cool. I guess smarts run in the family, eh?”
“Yeah, right,” I said, smacking him lightly in the chest.
We put on some music and sat down on the couch together for awhile, though we didn't do anything since I wasn't comfortable fooling around with my boyfriend while my daughter was in the other room.
We talked for awhile, and while Conner didn't bring up the things he and Ari had talked about, I couldn't stop thinking about them. I was nowhere near ready to start talking about marriage or anything like that, but I couldn't stop wondering whether it was a possibility. Whether Conner would one day be ready and willing to become a part of our family.
I never wanted or expected him to take on a father's role with Ari. But I knew that if our relationship was ever going to have a future, that future would have to include him being a part of my daughter's life.
“You okay?” he asked me later in the night. “You seem a little distracted.”
“Just thinking,” I said.
“About what?”
I smirked and looked down at my lap. I wasn't ready to bring up such sensitive subjects yet. So I evaded the question by simply answering, “Just the future. How school's going to go. Whether I'll ever graduate, or even pass this chemistry final. What I want to do with my life after graduation.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I think about that a lot.”
“Do you know what you want?” I leaned my arm against the back of the couch, propping my head in my hand.
“Well,” he said, “I've definitely decided on studying astronomy. And after graduation, I don't know. Maybe if I do good enough I could get a job with NASA or something. Or maybe just become a college professor.”
I laughed, trying to imagine him in front of a classroom teaching students about the stars. When a hurt frown touched his lips, I reached out and patted his arm.
“Sorry. I was just thinking about how you've been teaching me chemistry all semester long. You do seem to have a knack for it.”
He shrugged, looking down at his feet. “What about you? Do you know what you want to do?”
I looked off into the distance, trying to figure out if I even had an answer to that question. “I don't know. I kind of like psychology, but I couldn't imagine becoming like, a therapist or something. And I guess I kind of like writing, but not enough to become an author.” I shrugged. “I guess I'll see what happens. I'll probably just end up somebody's secretary somewhere.”
“No way,” he said. “You can do a lot better.”
“You think?” My mouth twisted up in an uncertain smile.
“I'm positive.” He reached out and caressed my cheek. “You're amazing. And I'm sure you're going to do amazing things.”
He kissed me, and I held him close, filled with thoughts of the future, and wonder about what it might bring.
Chapter 11
Things between Conner and I continued to go well as the semester ended and the summer wore on. I managed to survive chemistry class with a C-, which was good enough for me. My summer classes were a bit more intense, since they met four days a week in order to cram everything into half as long of a semester, but I kept up with it well enough.
I also got the opportunity to meet my nephew, Liam. Casey and I met at a park one nice summer day, without Jimmy knowing about it. I held my nephew in my lap and listened to his laughter. He was a beautiful child, and I immediately fell in love with him.
“I've been talking to Jimmy about you,” Casey said.
“How's that been going?”
“He was hesitant at first.” She reached out to Liam and he wrapped his little hand around her finger. “He's been holding on to a lot of anger for a long time. I told him I want to get the chance to know the rest of his family. And that I want our son to have a relationship with all of you.”
“How did he feel about that?” I still felt guilty about the bad blood between us. Jimmy and I hadn't spoken since the reading of Grandma's will. I could still hear the anger in his tone when he yelled at me about only coming to him when I needed money.
“Well,” she said, hesitating. I waited, giving her a pleading look. “He said that after six years now, he doesn't know if you and he can ever repair the problems between you. And that it would take a lot of work, maybe even family therapy. And he said he's not sure if he thinks it's worth the effort.”
I looked down into my lap, feeling like I'd just been slapped across the face. I'd known for a long time that Jimmy and I had problems that wouldn't be easy to solve. So did Amanda and I, for completely different reasons. But I'd always held out the hope that when enough time passed and the anger started to fade, we'd be able to make amends and put it all behind us.
I wasn't sure if I was just being naive, thinking that it would be so easy to forget about what had happened. Or if Jimmy was holding onto his anger because he didn't know how to cope with emotions the same way most people did.
But then I realized something. I realized that if I was no longer angry, but Jimmy still was, maybe that meant that I'd hurt him more than he'd hurt me. That I'd left a deep mark on his heart that couldn't be forgotten so easily.
I'd long since given up on being angry, but then, he hadn't really done anything to hurt me. I'd felt rejected when he moved out and left me to pay the rent on my own. But he must have felt like I'd kicked him out of my life.
I couldn't remember most of what I'd said to him that day, but there was one thing that stuck out in my mind. I'd been the only one yelling. I'd screamed at him, unleashing my anger on him, and he'd simply stood there and taken it. And when I told him to get his stuff out and give me back his key, he'd simply said, “Okay.”
He hadn't fought back. Our whole lives, he'd never been one to fight back. He'd taken the brunt of my rage, then spent the next six years waiting for me to be the one to reach out to him.
Maybe, I realized, it was time for me to own up to what I'd done. He might have hurt me unintentionally with his lack of sensitivity. But I'd hurt him on purpose with my rage.
“Can you tell him I want to talk to him?” I asked. “Tell him...tell him I don't expect him to put everything behind us. And I understand if he doesn't think I'm worth the effort. But I want to apologize to him. I think I owe him that much.”
“I think that would help a lot,” Casey said. “I don't really know exactly what happened with you two. I just know what he told me, but that's just one side. But he's...stubborn. And I think it would really help if you made the first move.”
I bounced Liam up and down on my knee, looking at his smiling face. If I wanted this little guy to ever be a part of my life, I was going to have to fix things with his father. “I'll do what I can,” I said. “I just hope it's not already too late.”
* * *
Jimmy and I traded a few emails over the next few weeks. I offered him my apologies, though it turned out not to be anywhere near as simple as that. I'd kept my first email simple, just telling him that I was sorry, that I k
new I'd hurt him and I'd never meant to, and that I hoped we could set things right between us again.
His first response was over fifteen pages long. He went on long, meandering explanations about all of the issues that had been weighing on him over the years, going as far back as when we were teenagers, on up through the time we'd spent as roommates.
He apparently had a much longer memory than I did, listing grievances that I'd either long forgotten, or never realized were an issue.
He spoke of the way I'd excluded him and not invited him to parties and other things when we were teens. At the time, I'd just been a teenage girl who didn't want to hang around with my little brother. But from the way he described it, it had made him feel outcast and unloved.
He talked about similar things happening when we were living together, like the time a group of my friends and I had gone to see one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, all dressed up as pirates, without asking him if he wanted to come along. I remembered letting him tag along when he came home and saw us about to leave, but I had never realized that he thought I'd only let him come out of pity. I had never realized that he had thought I didn't want him around at all, and that I would have left him behind if not for my guilt.
The list went on and on. Right up until the day after he moved out, when he described a story that made my heart clench in my chest.
Back when Jimmy was living with me, we had a regular dinner Thursday night, with friends and family. It used to be me, Jimmy, Amanda, a few of our friends, and anyone we were dating at the time. It had been our regular thing for over a year, week after week.
In his email, he described sitting in his new apartment with his girlfriend, watching the phone, waiting for me to call. I didn't remember much about that particular Thursday night, except for a few of my friends asking me where Jimmy was and why he wasn't at dinner. I'd told them he was mad at me, and then waited to see if he would come by the next week.
He hadn't shown up the next week, or the week after, and before I knew it, years had passed.
What I'd never known was that he'd been waiting for my call. That he'd assumed he was no longer welcome, because of the way I'd spoken to him the day he moved out. And he told me that not being invited back had convinced him that I must never have loved him at all.
I sat at my computer and cried when I read those words. For so long, I'd thought he never called, never came over, never reached out to me because he was angry. I'd never realized that it was because he felt unloved.
Conner came over for dinner that night. I was still in tears when he got to the apartment. Ari let him in, then retreated to her room. Conner found me in the living room, trying to wipe away my tears.
“What's wrong?” he asked. He dropped to one knee beside my chair and took my hands in his, looking up to me with deep concern in his eyes.
“Nothing. I...” I shook my head. “It's just, family stuff. My brother.”
“Oh. Is there...can I do anything for you?”
I smiled at him and stroked his face. I'd never explained the extent of my family drama to him. He knew I was estranged from most of my family, but that was it. Unless, of course, Ariella had explained any of it to him.
“I think this is something I have to do myself,” I said.
“Okay.” He frowned in concern and kissed my hands.
“But I could use a hug.”
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. I buried my face against his shoulder and cried while he stroked my back and whispered soothingly in my ear.
I eventually calmed down enough for us to have dinner. But I was distracted for the rest of the night, thinking about everything Jimmy had said. And wondering, were I to reach out to Amanda in the same way, if she'd have as long of a list of grievances against me as our brother had.
I didn't know if I could face those sins. But if I wanted to mend the rift in our family, I realized that I was going to have to be the one to fix everything. And I had no idea how to do that.
Chapter 12
A few days before the start of the new school year, I convinced my brother and sister to meet me at our dad's house. Dad took Ari and Casey off to play XBox in order to give us some time to talk.
We sat in Dad's dining room, surrounded by awkward silence. I noticed Jimmy's hands were shaking a bit, and I worried that he was going to have another panic attack. I sat across from him, taking a deep breath to steady myself, and I spoke in a calm and quiet voice.
“I've had a lot of time to think about everything. I know there's a lot of problems between us. And I know a lot of it is my fault.”
Amanda crossed her arms and turned away from me, refusing to meet my eye. Jimmy sat there quietly, looking down at his hands.
“I want you both to know that I'm really sorry for the things I've done and said. I really didn't mean to hurt you. Either of you. I think that back then, before we all stopped talking, I used to have a lot of anger in me. I was still hurting over what happened with PJ. I was under a lot of stress. And that doesn't excuse the way I treated you, but that's how it is.”
Jimmy looked up at me. He had a pout on his face, but at least he didn't look angry.
Amanda glanced at me and asked, “So, that's it? You say you're sorry, and we're just supposed to leave it at that?”
I sighed. “I don't know. I don't expect you to just forgive me just like that. But I hope maybe you can realize I'm a different person now than I was back then. I've grown up a lot. I've been trying to be a good mom. I've been back in school finally. I finally met a new guy and we're really happy together. And I feel like I've been maturing and I'm on a good path in my life.”
“Good for you,” Jimmy said. “But just because you're doing better doesn't make you a better sister.”
I pressed my lips together to keep from snapping back at him. Six years ago, I'd snapped at him and driven him away. I didn't want to do that again.
“I'm not going to say I'm a good sister. What I'm saying is I want a chance to try to be one. I want to know what's been going on with your lives. Jimmy, I want to get to know your wife and son. Amanda, I want to know what you've been doing, and what your plans are in life. And I want you guys to get to know Ari again. You haven't seen her since she was a toddler, but she's grown into such a bright young girl. Too smart for her own good, even.”
Amanda chewed on her lip. “I have missed her.”
Jimmy picked at a strip of wood on the edge of the table. “But how do I know you're not going to...” He trailed off, looking away.
“I'm not going to be perfect,” I said. “But I'm asking for a second chance. It doesn't have to start right away. We can just get together for dinner sometime soon. And if that goes well, maybe we can all have Thanksgiving together, instead of making Dad go to three different houses like he's had to for the past few years. And we can just give it a shot. And I promise to try to be as good as I can be.”
Amanda looked at Jimmy, but he wasn't meeting anyone's eye. “I guess,” she said. “I mean, it wouldn't hurt anything.”
There was a long silence at the table. I looked across at my brother. “Jimmy?”
He chewed on his lip. I tried to study his features and figure out what might be going on in his mind. I'd never been able to figure him out. But I thought he looked scared.
When it came down to it, I knew he was the most vulnerable one here. He'd never known how to handle confrontation or complex emotions. He was probably worried that if everything got screwed up again, he wouldn't know how to react. And I didn't know how to comfort him or convince him that everything would be all right. I didn't even know if it would be all right. But I knew that we had to try.
“Jimmy,” I said, “you don't need to decide right now. Just think about it, okay? I know Ari would like to get to know you. She's really into video games, just like you always were. I'm pretty sure she thinks she could kick your ass at those shooter games.”
He snorted, his lips twisting in a challenging s
mirk. I figured that was a good sign.
“And I think you'd like Conner, too. You guys have a lot in common. I think it'd be cool if you could be friends. At least think about it? All I'm asking for is dinner.”
He didn't meet my eye. But he nodded. “I'll think about it.”
Everyone fell into silence. I figured that was probably for the best. We'd made it through the talk without snapping and yelling at each other, and that was probably the most I could have hoped for.
“So, I'll email you guys about dinner, how's that sound? We can get together at my place. If you want.”
“Yeah,” Amanda said, shrugging. “Sure.”
Jimmy just nodded without saying anything. I decided not to push him. I knew trying to make him talk when he wasn't ready just made him shut down.
Amanda headed home, and Jimmy went to go get his wife and son. Before they left, Casey flashed me a grateful smile. I gave her a thumbs up while Jimmy wasn't looking. I knew she was on my side, and I was betting that she'd be able to convince her husband to give me a chance. She seemed to understand him and his emotions better than I ever could. It was probably what made them perfect for each other.
Chapter 13
My siblings and I had dinner together twice over the next couple of months. Things were tense, but we managed to work past it. During the second dinner, we even started laughing again when we shared some stories from our childhoods, and we remembered that there could be some good times mixed in with the bad.
The big test came when Thanksgiving rolled around. Dad offered to cook the turkey, something he hadn't done in years, since he could never get all three of his children together in one place at the same time. But between the three of us, Dad and our stepmom, the grandkids, and of course Conner, it would be the biggest family dinner we'd had for as long as I could remember.
Conner and I drove down to Dad's house early, with Ari in the backseat playing a game on her phone. She was about to turn eleven, and she had been trying to convince me that she needed an upgraded phone, since the one she had was now considered an obsolete model. I'd told her she'd have to make due with the one she had until I graduated from college and we could collect the rest of the inheritance. Though classes had been going smoothly enough that I was now confident I'd have little trouble graduating on time.
