‘I don’t know how I’m going to explain all this to Tom.’ Susan covers her face, allowing herself another sob.
We go into the living room where it’s more comfortable. I light the fire while Susan settles back into the sofa. We bat about our thoughts, playing tennis with two decades.
‘I don’t think I ever saw him angry,’ I tell her, cupping my mug.
‘God, I did,’ she confesses. ‘Quite often.’
‘I used to call him my gentle giant.’
‘His mood was wild sometimes,’ Susan says.
‘We loved walking Cooper together . . . and he enjoyed sailing.’
‘He told me he hated dogs, and water.’
‘We often went shopping together.’
‘I could never get his opinion on anything I bought.’
‘He loved to cook,’ I tell her.
‘God, we always ate out when we could, or in the hotel restaurant.’
‘We never had much money for that.’ I look at the floor.
Susan doesn’t say anything for a while.
‘He told me I was cold once. Dead inside.’ She gets that look in her eyes again.
‘Completely untrue,’ I say, trying to make her feel better.
‘That’s the difference between us, though, isn’t it?’ She suddenly leans close to me.
‘I don’t understand.’
‘I’m his cold. You’re his hot.’ Her face looks as though it might crack, but then she smiles, releasing the tension.
‘That’s definitely not true.’ I hold her hand for a moment, trying to make her believe me. ‘I’ll be right back,’ I say, standing up. ‘Too much tea.’
In the downstairs toilet, I lean back against the wall, sighing heavily. I have no idea how to get through this.
‘Rick,’ I whisper, almost choking. I look at a collage of photographs I once glued into a large frame. Rick hung it above the toilet. ‘Why? Why, why . . . ?’
I fight back the tears, kissing my fingertips and touching them to a picture of Hannah and then on Jacob. I’m about to touch Rick’s face but stop, closing my eyes briefly. I can’t.
I flush the loo, even though I haven’t been, and then run the tap for a bit. I resolve to stay strong, for Hannah, for myself, and now for Susan.
I go to open the door, but it doesn’t move. I pull it again.
‘Damn this latch,’ I say, tugging harder. It seems more stuck than ever. I asked Rick a thousand times to fix it, but he never got round to it.
‘Susan!’ I call out. ‘Can you help me? I’m stuck in the loo.’ I feel stupid and exhausted, but it just needs a good shove from the outside.
There’s no reply. Perhaps she’s in the kitchen and can’t hear me.
‘Susan?’ I call out again.
I pull even harder, with one knee braced against the wall. It normally gives a little at the top first, then the bottom before springing open. This time it’s stuck fast.
As though something else is stopping it.
I keep trying, banging and calling out, yanking it with all my strength.
Suddenly it gives and opens a few inches.
But then it slams tight shut again.
I only get a glimpse of Susan’s hands pulling against mine on the knob.
Only see a flash of the soulless expression on her face.
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Epub ISBN: 9781473507340
Version 1.0
Published by Century 2016
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Copyright © Samantha Hayes, 2016
Samantha Hayes has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work.
First published in Great Britain in 2016 by Century
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 9781780893419
In Too Deep Page 33
