by Todd Gregory
The hot water feels amazing slaking over my body, and I put my head underneath the showerhead, start rubbing the bar of soap over my chest, flinching slightly when I touch my aching nipples, laughing at myself as I shampoo my hair and turn around so my back is to the wall. The brother showering next to me is one I have met since I got here but I don’t remember his name, it was just in passing and he smiles at me, he has a snub nose and a pointed chin and his eyes look glazed a bit and he asks me if I had a good time at the party and I say yes did you and he nods and makes a thrusting motion with his hips and I try not to look at his crotch and I turn my head back under the spray and he is stepping out and toweling off and I wonder if I am going to ever be able to look at another guy ever again without wondering what it would be like to be inside him…
And I wonder when I can be with Brandon again.
Kenny doesn’t have to know.
KENNY “Can I sit with you?”
I look up from my phone to see Dylan Parrish, of all people, with his tray and his sandwich and bag of chips and soft drink standing next to my table at Togo’s, and I don’t know what to say so I just nod and he sits down across from me and there’s an awkward silence and I feel like I should say something but what do I say to someone who’s always pretty much always pretended I don’t exist?
“Did you have fun at the party?” he says without looking at me as he unwraps his sandwich—turkey and guacamole and sprouts of course, just like Joni would order, and I want to just get up and leave but I don’t want to be rude.
“I did. How about you?”
“Joni and I had a fight.”
Duh. Like I don’t have a million text messages on my phone that I haven’t bothered to read from her. “I figured.”
“Did she sleep in your room last night?”
“Nope.” No need for him to know I wasn’t there. I can’t believe I fell asleep in Phil’s room and was really glad no one saw me sneaking out of there this morning even though nothing happened. People love to gossip and talk about people, and the last thing I need is for Ricky to find out I spent the night in Phil’s room and I don’t want to have to explain anything to him and I don’t want to hurt him. “Where Joni slept isn’t my problem. I didn’t invite her up here.” I don’t add that this was the first time she’s been up to San Felice since I started going to school here, so it’s not like she came to see me in the first place.
“I didn’t invite her either.”
I look at him in surprise. That must have been a hell of a fight.
He tears open the bag of chips—barbecue Lay’s, to be exact, the only greasy thing on his tray besides the soft drink, which is probably diet—and dumps them out on the tray. “Joni…” He pauses. “You know.”
“No, I don’t. You know her better than I do.”
He flushes under his tan. “Look, we’ve never been friends, and I know that’s probably my fault, and I get it, but we’re both going to be here living in the same fraternity house and we’re brothers and we should try now, don’t you think?”
I think you want to be friends with me now because you’ve finally figured out what a total bitch my sister is, but okay. “Okay.” They’re going to make up anyway and that’ll be the end of that, but it won’t kill me to be nice to him. “Congratulations on your engagement, by the way.”
“Thanks.” He hesitates and asks, “Do you believe in monogamy?”
What? I just stare at him. “You’re the expert, aren’t you?”
He nods a bit. “I know, it’s what me and Joni fought about, I don’t know anymore. I love—” He stops. “I love Marc, I do, but…I’m having feelings for someone else now and I don’t know if that’s normal, and a straight girl won’t understand and I don’t have anyone else I can talk to—”
“And I’m the only gay guy you know?”
He nods.
“You know as well as I do I’ve never had a boyfriend.” I don’t want to talk to him about Ricky, I don’t want Joni to know and I know he’ll tell her all about it when they make up and they’ll make fun of me and laugh at me the way they always have and I’m not entirely sure he’s not setting me up right now but he looks like he means it. “So I don’t know. I mean, if you love someone you’re not supposed to be attracted to someone else, are you?”
“But that’s just it,” he replies. “That’s what straight people do. And they all cheat on each other all the time! Their divorce rate is over fifty percent! More than half! So maybe they’re doing it wrong?”
“Or are you just trying to justify cheating on your fiancé to yourself?”
“Maybe. Maybe I am. I don’t know.” He shakes his head, slurps some soda up through the straw. “I am attracted to this other guy, but he’s a nice guy, you know? I’d heard things about him before—”
“Are you talking about Brandon Benson?” I try not to laugh. It wouldn’t be nice now that we’re being all friendly, but seriously? Brandon Benson? Brandon is a dog who’ll fuck anything that moves. “All he cares about is getting laid, you should know that, if you are talking about him, I mean.”
“Are you sure?” He wants me to tell him Brandon’s a nice guy, I can see it on his face, and it finally hits me that this is what he and Joni fought about, and I remember all the times they left me out of things, all the times they deliberately excluded me and made me the butt of their jokes and didn’t invite me to things and wouldn’t let me come along with them or wouldn’t let me hang out with them at parties and everything, and now he’s here at my school and my fraternity and he’s fought with my sister and he’s mad at her and he wants me to be his friend and tell him…
I take a drink from my own soda. I look him right in the eyes. “I know Brandon sleeps around a lot”—not a lie—“but he’s always kind of struck me as…I don’t know, like a nice guy who’s been hurt? Like he doesn’t want to get involved with someone because he doesn’t want to get hurt again?” Okay, I can’t believe I said that with a straight face.
And he believes me because he wants to believe me, oh, he’s got it bad. For a moment I feel guilty, I think about his fiancé in the military and I think I should maybe be honest with him, but Joni was honest with him, and if he didn’t want to hear it from his best friend he sure as hell doesn’t want to hear it from me.
And besides, I don’t owe him anything but payback, do I?
“That’s what I think, too.” My God, he’s an idiot. You can’t fix stupid. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Have you talked to your fiancé?”
“Marc? No, I haven’t. Do you think I should?”
“Don’t you owe it to him to be honest? If you really care?”
“You’re right.” He smiles at me. “I do. Thanks, Kenny.”
“What are friends for?” I smile back at him.
I can’t believe he can’t tell how much I hate him.
PHIL “Yes, yes, the party went extremely well, thank you. The new air-conditioning system is amazing, thank you for that,” I say into my phone, rolling my eyes. “You did get the donation letter I sent you? Great. I’m so glad to hear that…”
Blah blah blah. I’ve got my head stuck so far up Rubin Monterro’s ass I can see what he had for lunch. I can’t wait till the day comes when I can tell him to go fuck himself. That day will come, but until then, as long as I am chapter president, I have to keep kissing his ass and humbling myself. I do enjoy listening to him talk about how much Ricky is enjoying being a Beta Kappa pledge and how welcoming all the brothers staying in the house have been to him since he arrived and how Rubin is especially pleased at the extra effort I’ve made.
If he knew Brandon was fucking his nephew’s brains out pretty much every night, I don’t know if he’d feel quite the same.
Maybe he would. I don’t know. But given what a homophobe the old jackass is, I kind of doubt it.
Brandon has been having a great time turning Ricky into a greedy little slut. I have a ton of pictures on my phone of Ricky being fuck
ed or sucked or being violated any number of ways. I’m sure Ricky has no idea Brandon’s been taking pictures of him. Brandon is gorgeous, I’ll give him that, and Ricky’s really taken to the whole idea of getting laid. Since the Baby Bash party, he’s pretty much insatiable, and I’ve been giving him advice.
That Monday after the party, he came to my room and told me everything. His conscience was bothering him, he told me, because Kenny has no idea what he’d been doing with Brandon, and even though Brandon had told him he had nothing to be ashamed of, apparently all the Catholic brainwashing he’s dealt with since he was in diapers was rearing its ugly head again and he just needed reassurance from someone who wasn’t benefitting from his appreciation for whoring.
I rolled a joint and offered it to him, but he declined, saying that maybe pot was clouding his mind and his judgment.
“Ricky, you know I have only your best interests at heart,” I somehow managed to say without laughing, “and I can see you’re upset about something. I’m glad you feel comfortable talking to me.”
That was all it took, he wouldn’t stop talking and of course I knew all of it already, Brandon had told me all about everything they’d done and how much Brandon had liked it. I knew that Ricky was the one who came to Brandon’s room the second time, knocking on his door like a cat in heat, and the second night was even more intense than the first and he couldn’t blame the second night on being drunk, now could he? He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t feel right about having sex with Brandon while dating Kenny and it felt like he was cheating and yawn bore me to death you really do belong in a monastery blah blah blah and I managed to not slit my wrists in front of him or laugh at him but somehow kept an interested look on my face as I listened and wondered how he functioned in life.
“But if you and Kenny aren’t”—inwardly I winced as I said the words—“going steady”—because we’re in junior high school of course, maybe you should pass him a note in gym, Ricky dear—“I don’t see how you can be cheating on him, or am I missing something?”
“No, we’re not, we didn’t talk about that, but—”
“Well, maybe you should talk to him about it.” I cut him off. “Maybe Kenny isn’t interested in being exclusive. You can’t know that without asking him, now can you?”
He made an O with his mouth. “You’re right.”
I reached and patted his leg. “Do you want to stop doing what you’re doing with Brandon?” How it nauseated me to be so delicate!
“No. No, I don’t.”
Little whore. “Then wait for Kenny to decide. I wouldn’t bring it up if I were you. It’s very simple.”
“But isn’t that kind of lying?”
Thank God I don’t have a Catholic conscience.
“Ricky.” I smiled at him. “Let me explain something to you about the real world. I know you were in a seminary, but out here in the real world there are shades of gray. You don’t want to stop being with Brandon, and you enjoy seeing Kenny, right?” He nodded. “There’s absolutely no reason for you to not do both for as long as you like.”
“But—I’m not in love with Brandon.”
“Sex and love aren’t the same thing. You don’t have to be in love with someone to have sex with them, you know. You can just have sex for the sake of having sex.” I gestured broadly around the room. “I don’t want a boyfriend until I get out of school. I don’t have the time to devote to one, you know? Between school and studying and running the house and being a good brother, it wouldn’t be fair for me to be involved with someone. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have needs and urges.” I closed my eyes and tilted my head. “And sometimes watching porn on the internet just isn’t enough.”
“Oh my God, no, it’s not, I mean, now that I know what—” He stopped himself.
“Ricky. It’s okay to watch porn, it’s okay to—you know, masturbate to it.” Talking to him is like talking to a child. What on earth kind of parents did he have? “But sometimes it’s nice to be with an actual human being. You were raised to believe that being gay was a sin—that’s what your church actually believes—and that even just thinking about it is as bad as doing it. So why not just do it?” I shrugged. “I mean, if you’re going to burn…”
I practically saw the lightbulb come on over his head. “Yes, that makes sense.”
“And as for Kenny…you like him, don’t you?”
He nodded.
“But you’re not sleeping with him?” God, the euphemisms.
He shook his head.
“Then have fun with Brandon. When you and Kenny get to that point, then worry about whether you want to have two lovers or just one. But there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. Nothing. And don’t let anyone ever make you think that again.”
He left me alone then, and he’s been Brandon’s regular fucktoy every night since.
I don’t know how Brandon stands it, to be honest.
Better him than me.
DYLAN I’m a coward.
I know I have to talk to Marc about these feelings I have for Brandon, but I can’t do it. I can’t bring myself to say the words to him. He knows something is up, though, because I’m not myself when we FaceTime. I tell him that it’s hard for me to adjust being in San Felice rather than LA, and that I’m getting to know my new brothers and I’m still upset about the fight with Joni, but I can’t tell him what the fight was about and he thinks it’s silly that I won’t just call her, but I just tell him she was awful and possessive and nasty to me and until she apologizes I am not willing to talk to her and I mean it and it’s true, I don’t miss her at all. It’s kind of been a relief, honestly.
I had no idea how much of my free time she took up.
And who knew that her brother Kenny was such a great guy? Ever since I ran into him at Togo’s the day after the party we’ve hung out a couple of times, and he’s nothing like Joni made him out to be. He’s actually nice and cool and funny and has a great sense of humor and I can’t believe how rude and nasty she always was to him. I feel like I should apologize to him all the time, but whenever I try, he just dismisses it and tells me not to be stupid, it’s life and it’s in the past and not to worry about it anymore, we’re friends now and that’s all that matters.
And his boyfriend Ricky! What a sweet guy. They are so cute together. Ricky’s actually one of the most gorgeous guys I’ve even seen in real life, I mean seriously he is model good looking, like if Mario Lopez and Nick Jonas somehow had a son that would be Ricky, and he has absolutely no idea of how good looking he is. He’d be King of Fire Island, that’s for sure, and people are always stopping in their tracks whenever they see him and he has no clue, he’s just a nice guy. So weird that he was going to be a priest, but he and Kenny are so sweet together that I like to just watch them together, how they interact, and seeing them makes me miss Marc, but at the same time I keep lying to him and how can I lie to him when I love him—what kind of love is that?
And Brandon. I can’t stop thinking about Brandon.
Joni was so wrong about him.
We spend a lot of time together, me and Brandon, and we go to the grocery store to get supplies or to the mall to just hang out or to get something to eat or to see a movie or just down to the beach to get some sun and watch the surfers and he never tries anything, never touches me, never does anything other than be a perfect gentleman to me. Just being around him makes me happy, and I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong…but we aren’t doing anything other than being friends and hanging out together. I know, I know I think about him in ways I shouldn’t. I want him to touch me, I want him to try something but am glad he doesn’t because I wouldn’t be able to say no to him. The way his tanned skin shines when the sun’s on it and he’s oiled up on the beach, the way his eyes twinkle when he smiles, the shy smile he gets when he’s teasing me, the way he laughs when we’re together…I have a picture on my phone that I took of him on the beach that…that captures his essence, who he is, he’s wet and g
ot goose bumps from being in the water and he’s laughing and his dimples are deep and his eyes are glowing and the sun is shining on his muscles and he’s oiled up so the water is beading up on him and I downloaded it to my computer, and sometimes before I go to bed…I pull it up on my computer and imagine what his body would feel like pressed up against mine, wonder what it would be like to have him on top of me and inside me and I can’t help myself, I beat off thinking about it while I look at his picture and then I’m finished and I feel ashamed of myself, like I’m some kind of sick stalker or something.
One day I walked into the bathroom downstairs while he was showering and I swear it wasn’t on purpose, I didn’t know he’d be in there and I watched him shower for a full minute. His back was to me and his ass was so white and round and firm and the tan line was so clearly defined from the dark tanned skin and then he started to turn around and I had to duck into one of the bathroom stalls because I didn’t want him to catch me watching him and I didn’t want to see him nude from the front because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about him I can’t stop thinking about him as it is and I know I have to tell Marc I can’t keep this from him and what is wrong with me I have a great guy who loves me and wants to marry me and all I can do is think about Brandon…
