by Joshua Guess
Whatever the reason, I am feeling distant from people. I still say and do the right things, but I am disconnected from the act of doing so. My social interactions are on autopilot, and I don't know what to do.
Is this how you out there are feeling? I suppose that time is the only way I am going to be able to tell how serious this is. Don't worry, I will keep Evans in the loop and if I start to feel farther away from myself, I will try to connect. I don't think I'm going to go serial killer on you guys or anything, only numb.
Enough for today, there are zombies to pick off and a wall to rebuild, and too little time for either.
Posted by Josh Guess at 11:54 AM
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Free
I am feeling better today. Not my old self yet, but after a good long sleep and some meditation, I feel like the fog that has been rolling through my brain is lifting some. Maybe my brain just needs time to adjust a little better to the fact that I can walk a mile in any direction and run into the walking dead, as well as the heartbreak of constant attacks and constant loss. Maybe we're all suffering from information overload, emotional overclocking, and I just got it worse than most others.
My sister and her family left yesterday. Two full buses have dropped off settlers from up north, bringing us about fifty people so far. Jack tells us that more are coming.
Jackie will be missed around here, and not only by me and mine. Everyone liked her, or her kids, or her husband. They were a popular group among people of all ages, and we had a bit of a going away party. But she and her husband have to make their choices for the good of the kids, and all of us understand.
Now that things are stabilizing around here a bit, my brother Dave and I are getting back into the swing of planning our stages of construction. Of course, a lot of rebuilding is going on still, but we are hard at work making sure that our defenses will be up to the challenge the next time trouble comes calling.
Patrick is working with a few of the migrants from up north, one of whom was a metallurgist, another a machinist with smithing experience. Pat is in heaven, as he has always wanted to learn the craft of blacksmithing. The council (excluding him, since he is on it) has decided that he needs some time to do some things that he wants to do, explore some ways of being useful that he enjoys. Pat deserves happiness more than anyone I can think of, both for who he is and for what he has done for everyone here.
He is a demon when it comes to zombie attacks, moving with a fierce and unlikely grace for a man of his size. He always seems to be where he is most needed at those times, and yet for all of his ability in a fight, he is also one of the first to comfort those who suffer. Pat comforts those ill of heart and goes out of his way to show others that there is still something loving and gentle to be found in the world, and all of us appreciate that.
But even his rugged heart gets frayed around the edges. No one with the sort of empathy he exudes could walk away from recent events without scars. There is a subtle drag to his step, a heaviness to his smile that says he needs time just for himself. He would never ask it, of course, which is exactly why we are basically making him do it.
Ok, I need to get out and catalog some supplies. Need to get my cup of coffee (a habit that I never, ever thought I would take up. It's all swill, but damn, it wakes me up.) and head out to one of our holding areas. Funny that life in the zombie apocalypse still comes with paperwork. Who would have guessed?
Oh, and happy Fourth of July, to anyone that still sees the world in terms of countries. I'd like to think that we have moved beyond that, but to satisfy the masses, we're going to slaughter one of the cows in the field next door and have ourselves a bit of a cookout tonight.
Until tomorrow.
Posted by Josh Guess at 11:07 AM
Monday, July 5, 2010
Samurai Steve and Housewives
Another day, another swarm of zombies. We saw this one coming, thankfully, and the fight was a relatively short one. They stayed away in large numbers for the last few days, but now it looks like they are back to regular group attacks.
I was feeling almost normal when I woke up this morning, but that hazy feeling gradually fell over me again as I got up and moved about. It's not as bad as it was a few days ago, but I still hate not knowing what is causing this. It's bad enough that we are dealing with rebuilding from the beating we took last week, but now we are fighting zombies in a constant grind and I have to run to the walls and fight, then back to my office and concentrate on my work, all while feeling like I am watching someone else do it. I need to talk to Evans, as he is our only doctor, and see what he thinks. Maybe it's a side effect from something he can treat.
If its psychological, well...we'll deal with that when it comes. I tend to think it isn't, mainly because the emotional waxing and waning is too fast. Does that sound like I am grasping at straws? Maybe.
Jess has been cooking me breakfast and lunch the last few days, since she is starting to stay indoors more now that the heat is getting truly oppressive. Everyone is mothering her now that she is pregnant, and it's a slice of normality to see her putter around the house, rather than perched up on a tower sighting a dead person's head through the scope of a high-powered rifle.
Steve has been hanging out over here a bit. The attack last week shook him pretty badly, and it brought out a seething rage that has yet to go down any notches. Not that many people would be able to tell, of course, as Steve is one of the most relaxed and calm people I have ever seen, but those of us that have known him a long time can catch the signs. His eyes have this constant tension at the corners, his steps are brisk and measured. He moves around the compound like a cat prowling for a fight. Hell, this last zombie attack earlier today was proof if nothing else can be that something is wrong with him.
He walked right through one of the last breeches of the wall with an Iaito, and simply laid waste to a large section of the attacking horde. He was wearing a set of the hodgepodge armor we put together (he's not stupid, after all) and moved with brutal efficiency among them. It was beautiful to watch, since he and I share a love of marital arts and swordsmanship, but it was scary how much of a risk he was taking. Steve isn't typically a risk taker.
And you know, part of it was funny. I mean, I love him like he's my own brother, but Steve is a very proud nerd. Like, stereotypical nerd. Big glasses, sort of high voice with a precise way of speaking, truly profound knowledge of Dungeons and Dragons. The kind of guy that gets excited as hell about an obscure piece of anime.
There he was, in a Judo gi, welder's gloves and riot helmet with a chainmaille neck covering, swinging his katana in a very practiced way, slain enemies at his feet. Never would have imagined it a year ago. Sort of like seeing Albert Einstein go into a berserker kung-fu rage and destroy the nazis, you know?
Enough chatter for now. Going to see if I can pull my thoughts together a little bit and get back to work. I am feeling slightly more normal at the moment.
I smell some coffee brewing.
Posted by Josh Guess at 11:07 AM
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Breakdown
I've been too busy to do anything today but work. We got yet another load of settlers from up north, and I think this will be the last group. The total as of today is eighty-six new folks. That's a big chunk of the people from Jack's compound, but most of them came here because they had no technical skills, or had little to do with so many others to fill jobs. To be frank, it will help them in the long run as it will reduce the number of mouths to feed on the limited resources currently available.
I feel a lot better today, much more clear than the last few days, though at the moment I'm feeling the consequences of nothing to eat or drink today. A bunch of us have been working on the bus that brought our new arrivals, trying to rig together some fixes to the brake system, which pretty much blew apart when the driver and his guards were getting ready to leave.
It's a problem only because they are on a schedule--Jack and his folks wo
rked out some deals with a few people to have free travel through some bad parts of Ohio, but on the condition that they move through certain areas at certain times. Don't ask me why those folks made such specific demands--I have given up on trying to make sense of what some people do to keep themselves sane nowadays.
And, we are sending a big load of fresh food up there. We found a truly gigantic plot of land in south Woodford county that had more potatoes growing in it than we could possibly eat. So, a gift for our friends.
No big zombie attacks today, just the normal constant wanderers going by. We are scouting very heavily now, to avoid surprise attacks.
Got to go, Jess is shoving some food in front of me, and I need to wolf it down and get back to work.
Posted by Josh Guess at 11:47 AM
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Empty
I'm feeling worse than any point so far. Even writing this is taking all of my effort. A zombie attack came this morning, and I wasn't even capable of getting up to go fight. I just sat here and did nothing, staring at the wall.
I have no interest in saying anything right now. I just can't care.
Jess is trying to get my attention, she wants to talk to me.
Might be back tomorrow.
Posted by Josh Guess at 10:16 AM
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Veritas
I am out of the compound at the moment, clearing my head and getting my rediscovered rage under control. I left about an hour after my post yesterday, having had quite the revelatory conversation with my wife.
Jess was slipping me lithium to keep me calm.
I get it, I really do. I have an awful temper, especially when I see others being hurt for no reason. After almost five years together, she knows me and my reactions better than almost anyone. She told me when she saw that the stuff was driving me crazy, or at least pretty much eradicating my desire to do anything at all.
I didn't leave in a big dramatic scene or anything. Frankly, I was too stoned to do more than calmly explain that I was leaving for a day or two. I was coming off a fairly large dose, so I was actually feeling things, but it would have taken a big swarm of zombies to get my attention.
It's not that fact that she drugged me that infuriates me. It's that she didn't think it through. She didn't think of how dangerous it would be to me and to others to have my mind so dulled and numb. The consequences of her actions only became really clear to her when that attack happened, and I just sat at home.
I need time away. I need to be apart from the place I helped create for a bit, or it really will drive me crazy. We live in a world that seems impossible; a place where the wonders of human cooperation and ingenuity are given a bright contrast over the background of a landscape plagued by the living dead. But the truth is that the banalities of everyday life that pushed me down and made me indifferent to most things still exist. The idiocy of men and women with preconceived notions who judge others, causing strife and violence has followed us here.
The only place I felt truly secure was at home. The only person that had access to my deepest and most honest thoughts, my every secret and my total and uncompromising trust was my wife. I feel shredded inside that she felt that this was something she had to do. Part of me is proud of her pragmatism, and part of me is thrilled that I am not actually going crazy.
But for now at least, I am out here among the ruins of society. I am still in town, but for a few days at least I will be wandering around, exploring more deeply than I have had time to do since all of this began. I will be keeping in touch with the compound, since I am not running away. I just need space to reorient.
Onward.
Posted by Josh Guess at 12:01 PM
Friday, July 9, 2010
Fortress
Right now, I am sitting on top of the big state office building downtown. It's something that I have always wanted to do, but never had the chance before now. It's pretty interesting to get the bird's eye view on the movement of the zombies below, groups shambling, some running, some great pattern to it all that my mind is incapable of grasping completely.
I spent most of yesterday and all of this morning scouting around some of the less traveled areas of downtown Frankfort. I had some good finds, like a big cache of hidden lumber and tools on Holmes street.
But the best find is the building I am sitting on. It is twenty stories tall, made of concrete and glass, and has an immense amount of space. If we can clear it out and secure the ground floor, we could house hundreds of people here, if not more. I am going to explore it very thoroughly today, and see what resources we can pull from it and what we will need to do if we want it to serve our needs.
Jess called me earlier, and we had a long talk. Things between us are strained, but we still love each other as much as ever. I want to go home to see her, but I had no idea that I would encounter such a potentially perfect stronghold. I need to learn all I can before I go home. I feel like an idiot for not coming here earlier--this place is so obvious...
Sorry this post is so short, but I have good reason to be in a hurry now.
Posted by Josh Guess at 10:08 AM
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Inglorious Return
That was a Saturday well spent. I would have posted something, but I was so intent on staying alive that I didn't really have time.
I am back home now, and things around here have been alright without me. I am very glad that i took the time to go exploring, because the office building looks pretty much ideal. One side of it is impregnable from zombie attack, since there is a fifteen foot drop off to the road in front of it. The other faces of it would be extremely easy to build walls around, and since the square it sits in is a big flat space, we could do it fast and strong, probably in a few days.
I did encounter some zombies in the tower, though. It looked as though some other people, possibly folks that worked there, had a similar idea. Their mistake was in not exploring the place thoroughly enough; I found strong evidence that zombies were on the top floors and worked their way down. I guess they wandered about for a long time, because I cleared out several dozen from the fifth floor up.
When I got done, I barricaded the doors so no more dead people could get in, and I went across the road to start looking around the hotel there. But I ran out of drinking water and low on food, so I came home when I saw how infested it was with undead.
So for the next week or so, I will be leading teams through the area to better gauge the area there. That part of downtown is looking better and better, and most of the state buildings there are in fantastic shape. We could house a lot of folks there if we needed to.
Things here at the compound are as good as they ever are, but my wife and I are having a bit of trouble. Her recent actions have made it difficult for me to feel comfortable at home. We don't argue much, never have, but it does make us oddly formal with one another. But we are both pragmatic and in love, so it will work out. For the sake of the bump growing in her belly, I will go to any lengths to make sure we become and remain strong again.
I think we'll take a day to prepare before we start downtown. Never hurts to be prepared, my old scoutmasters used to say...
Posted by Josh Guess at 8:04 AM
Monday, July 12, 2010
A Brief History of Time
So, before we start our preparations for an outing into downtown tomorrow, I have decided to write up a summation of what has transpired so far in our corner of the world. This is more for those others out there who are just now able to communicate with the outside world since society collapsed, as the rest of you out there probably know what has happened so far.
On March 2 of this year, some sort of outbreak started in Cincinnati, Ohio. Strange things were happening there, violence unlike anything anyone had ever seen, and the dead appeared to begin walking about. Many people around the world ignored or brushed off these events, but the days that followed proved that we few who believed that the impossible was occurr
ing were right: somehow, zombies were walking among us.
Some people saw it for what it was and began planning in earnest. Here, my wife and I maxed out our credit cards to get supplies to make our home a fortress. Others joined us over time, some strangers and others friends of friends. Here in Frankfort, Kentucky, we have made a home for anyone who wishes to peacefully coexist with one another for the purpose of mutual survival.
