I heave a huge sigh, walk to my bed, and fall onto it, shoes and all. I’m completely exhausted and oddly exhilarated. Nate falls onto Charles’s bed, and we just lie there like that until Mrs. Harnett and the police bring Charles back and say they’re ready for me. Nate says he’ll stay with Charles until I get back and then he’ll go talk to Leland. I don’t even know what time it is. I don’t care. This is one night I’ll never, ever forget, and in a funny kind of way I want to experience every minute of it.
Chapter 16
We love him, because he first loved us.
—John 4:19
In the morning there’s a lot of scurrying around by people like John and Nate and Jeffrey to make sure everyone is in the dining hall at breakfast time for an announcement. I’m sitting with Leland and Dave and Charles, practically falling onto my plate with exhaustion, when Mrs. Harnett comes in and claps her hands for attention. She gets it pretty quickly.
“Many of you have already heard that Reverend Bartle has been arrested. You will not see him on our campus again. Dr. Strickland is accepting personal responsibility for Reverend Bartle’s crimes, and he has resigned his position. Before he leaves, he will be assisting in the task, which is already underway, of notifying your families of what has happened.” She takes a breath and looks around, taking all of us in. Then she continues.
“I have been asked to assume the director’s position that Dr. Strickland is vacating. Because this will take so much of my time, and because this current situation is so delicate, I will not be able to lead my assigned group any longer. This position, with its honor and its responsibility, is hereby assigned to John McAndrews.”
There’s a bit of a rumble. Most kids really like him. I like him, myself, or I would if he’d just get his act together on the gay issue.
“Each of you should check your mailbox after ten o’clock this morning. Your assignment leaders will release you in pairs to do this. You will find a notice about an individual meeting time with your own group leader to answer any questions you may have about these developments. Those of you who are in SafeZone are hereby relieved of that restriction until further notice, given the unusual circumstances.
“I’m sure you have many questions. I would if I were in your position. However, I ask that you hold them until your individual meetings, where you can be sure to receive complete information that is pertinent to you specifically. For now, I ask that when you leave this room, you go to your assignments as quietly as possible and with as little speculation as possible. We will make every effort to respond to your questions during your meeting. Until then, anything is gossip. Let us bow our heads.”
Everyone does.
“Almighty God, we ask that you have mercy on Reverend Bartle, that you reach into his soul and help him understand that what he has done is not worthy of him. Help him cast away the darkness of Satan and return to your light. We ask that you comfort Dr. Strickland and help him see that his role of supporting Reverend Bartle’s errors was unintentional, that it was done in ignorance. Help him to gain insight so that he cannot again be complicit in Satan’s schemes.
“I ask that you be with each of the children here, that you help them to trust in the triumph of your love, in the protection you offer from evil. And I ask that you guide me in every step I take, in every word I utter. Help me to lead in ways that increase understanding and acceptance, that bring everyone entrusted to my care closer to you.
“Amen.”
The kitchen is nearly silent. John isn’t there; he must be off working with Mrs. Harnett to make all the arrangements for meetings, maybe calling parents. There’s a girl in charge—young woman, I guess—I haven’t met before. Her name is Dorothy, and she must have been in charge of kitchen detail in the past ’cause she takes over smoothly. I’m just managing to stand up and get my carrots chopped. No sleep for me last night, that’s for sure.
At lunch I look for Charles and don’t see him, so I wait until he gets there. We sit with Leland and Rick, John’s old groupie, who seems a little lost. Conversation all around the room is nonstop but quiet. Charles and I know too much, and so does Leland, so we can’t really talk with Rick there. Maybe we wouldn’t have anyway; what’s left to say?
Nate’s nowhere to be seen. John, same thing. They’re either going without food, or they’re having it brought to them. I suppose it’s possible Nate’s helping to make phone calls. I wonder who’s calling my folks. I wonder what they’ll be told. “Your son was nearly raped and murdered last night. He’s got four and a half more weeks here….”
I’m expecting my private meeting to be with John, since he’s my new group leader. And my note says to see him at four fifteen. But before that, I’m to see Mrs. Harnett at four. Charles, too, has a meeting with Mrs. Harnett. His is at two forty-five. He doesn’t have a note about meeting with John, and we look at each other, wondering what that means. We agree to meet in the room before dinner to compare notes.
I’m nearly comatose by four o’clock, but I make my way to Mrs. Harnett’s office. The door’s closed, and the secretary tells me I have to wait for the kid before me to leave. When the door opens, Sean comes out.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yeah. You?”
He nods, smiles, and then hugs me. I hug him back, hard.
I close the door and help myself to a chair. Mrs. Harnett looks at least as exhausted as I feel. She’s probably been up all night, too.
“Taylor, I hope you know how sorry I am about what happened to you. But I also hope you know how much of it you brought on yourself, given what you knew.”
“Yes, ma’am. I just felt I had no choice.”
“Praise the Lord, it has worked out for the best, considering everything. You’re safe, and this evil influence has been removed. Now, I need to tell you that Charles’s parents will be here this evening to take him home. They’ll be here just after dinner, so you’ll have a little time to bid him farewell. I understand from him that the two of you have developed a very special relationship.”
It surprises me how sad this news makes me feel. I try not to show it. “He’s pretty terrific.”
“He thinks the same of you.” She sits back and gathers her thoughts before she goes on. “I’ve personally spoken with your mother about this situation. I’ve let her know of your bravery and loyalty, and I’ve told her you’re unharmed. She was inclined to come and get you tonight and take you home. I’ve convinced her to consider her decision a little longer, to give you at least another overnight to see how you feel. If you stay, you’ll be assigned a new roommate Friday afternoon. A new boy whose parents have decided to have him come to us despite what’s happened here. He’ll be a bit of a challenge, but I happen to think you’re up to that. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather assign him to.”
“Why’s he being sent here? Is he gay?”
She smiles. “You know we don’t reveal that kind of information. He’ll tell you why if he wants to. Do you think you might be willing to stay?”
“I haven’t given it much thought. What if my folks really want to come and get me?”
“If you want to stay, I’ll try and convince them. But the decision is theirs, of course. I suggest you call home this evening to assure them you’re all right and that you’re willing to give this some thought. How does that sound?”
“Fine, I guess. I’m so tired I’m not thinking straight.”
She starts to laugh. And she laughs for several seconds before I get it. Of course I’m not thinking straight. How can I do that? I’m gay!
It takes a minute or so for both of us to recover from the laughing fit, but then it makes me wonder about something. “You do know that John isn’t very accepting, don’t you?”
She doesn’t pretend she doesn’t understand me. “I’m going to tell you something I don’t want repeated, at least for now. Will you bear that responsibility?”
Hell, I’m keeping so many secrets already. What’s one more? I nod.
> “I’ve been designing a training program for all the group leaders. It stresses that a resident’s sexual orientation is not an issue that we will address. Gradually, we’ll also expand this position to our intake policies. It does not mean that no other homosexual children will come to us. What it means is that for those who are here, the issue that will be addressed is Inappropriate Love.” I start to protest, but she holds a hand up. “That may not mean quite what you think. It doesn’t mean that you’d be reprimanded for having feelings for another boy. It means that you’ll be reprimanded if you engage in inappropriate activity with him. Whether someone is gay or straight, sex outside of marriage is inappropriate.”
Yes. Well. We’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one. And anyway, I still have a bone to pick. “Excuse me, but the church won’t let me marry my boyfriend.”
She smiles at me again. “I know. But I’ll tell you what. If you decide one day to commit yourself to someone you love deeply, spiritually, whether that person is a man or a woman, I’d be honored if you invite me to the ceremony. And I’d be delighted to be there.”
I grin. “And you promise not to reprimand us?”
“I promise.” She looks at her watch. “Do you have any questions?”
“There’s something I want to ask about Leland. About what happened with him and Ray. Marie Downs caught them kissing and reported them, and they were both punished, and Leland had to do a Public Apology.”
“That’s right.”
“Why?”
“Why the Apology, you mean? If Ray had lived, he’d have had to do one as well. I understand why you’re asking, and I wish I could give you a different answer from the one I have. But once Marie reported this incident, given the policy of Straight to God under Dr. Strickland, that kiss between them was much worse than if one of them had been a girl. Mind you, if one of them had, they would still have been punished, because that behavior is strictly forbidden here. I’m sure you’ll remember that from your Booklet. What I want, what will be the case under my directorship, is for that kiss not to have been any worse between Ray and Leland than it would have been between Nate and, say, Andrea.”
“Who did Marie tell?”
“I’m not obliged to tell you, but it’s no secret that it was John, who came to me. He had no more choice than I did. But as I’ve said, I intend to make some changes.” She takes a breath. “Any other questions?”
Lots. Next, I go with this one: “You said you’ve been designing this new program I’m not to tell anyone about. That means you’ve been working on it for some time, and Nate says you knew about the circle, so you must have felt differently from Strickland…from Dr. Strickland for a long time. Meanwhile, you’ve just been holding the corporate line? How could you do that?”
“Now, Taylor, I think if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll acknowledge that there were a number of times when you and I managed to communicate without words. Times when each of us knew that there wasn’t such a huge gulf between us after all.”
She had me there. The first one was during my very first Prayer Meeting, when she didn’t try to find out whether Charles had some reason he thought it might be necessary to surprise me during Contemplation—or ask him what he’d seen when he did. Then there was the night she’d practically invited the other kids in Prayer Meeting to throw stones at me, when I was back in SafeZone for another day, when we had that shock of understanding between us, when I got that what she was doing wasn’t really about me. And Marie had stepped right into the trap, and for all I knew, that’s why she ended up in SafeZone for the barbeque dinner.
The third time was the very next day, after I’d realized how hard it is for her to get us to see things that it wouldn’t do much good to just come out and say. She could have told me till I was blue in the face that I needed to feel humble. But until she offered stones to the other kids and most of them threw love at me instead, I couldn’t have understood what she meant. In our meeting the next day, when I’d sympathized with her position, she’d nearly cried. Plus Nate had told me I was right about her being surprised when she heard my room had been searched.
I hate to admit it, but I tell her, “I guess so.”
“Besides, you may not know this, but Nate and I talked about you and I encouraged him to recruit you into the circle.”
I shrug and change the subject, if only slightly. “And how will you get away with this change in plans? I mean, won’t the church leaders defrock you or whatever?”
“It’s an interesting point you raise. And one I intend to exploit. As I’m sure you know, nowhere in the four Gospels of the New Testament does Jesus make any references whatsoever to same-sex love. Now personally, I believe—as Nate does, and as I believe you do—that it would have been an impossible way of life in the first century, even if we think things have changed since then. And I think that if we could go back and ask Jesus, he would tell us it couldn’t be supported. Not then. St. Paul does mention it a few times, but he can’t be said to be quoting Jesus, only interpreting his message for that time, that place, and those people. So our church, in its charter doctrine, does not actually take a stand on this issue. It’s been assumed by almost everyone in the Leadership, and in the congregations, that we condemn it. But it’s not stated anywhere.”
She does something I’ve never seen her do, something I never expected to see her do. She shrugs. “I’m going to do my best. I’ll be praying and working with the leaders at Straight to God so that we present a united front if the church resists this position. If I get ousted, I get ousted. But I have to try. And with God’s help, and Nate’s, and maybe yours, anything is possible.”
She’s right. We’re both risk takers. The gulf between us is pretty small after all.
“I’m afraid we’re almost out of time, Taylor. Do you have any more questions?”
“Just one. For now. The police last night said I might have to testify.”
“Would you rather not do that?”
I shrug. “I guess I’d be willing. I mean, wouldn’t I be, like, a main witness?”
“Yes. But you’re a minor, and your parents may not allow it.”
“Then he might go free!”
“Sean will be testifying to what he saw. And Charles may testify; he’ll probably be over eighteen by the time the trial occurs.”
“I want to testify.”
“That’s good. I’ll keep that in mind as the case progresses, and in any event I’m sure you’ll be contacted. It could take some time, though; these things move slowly. So. Any other questions?”
God, so many! But for now…“I guess not.”
“Then you’d better get out of here for your meeting with John. Which you’re going to be late for if you don’t leave now.” She smiles at me one more time.
At the door I turn toward her. I say, “Thank you.”
John, it seems, has taken up temporary residence in Dr. Strickland’s office. He says, “There wasn’t time to move Mrs. Harnett in here yet. We have to hold these meetings first.”
I nod and take a chair. “I’ve just come from Mrs. Harnett.” I’m not sure what he can tell me that she hasn’t.
“Yes, I know. Did you decide whether you want to stay?”
“I’m thinking about it.” And, in truth, I haven’t decided.
On the one hand, if I leave here I can go back to my life and be with Will again. A little piece of heaven as a reward for my persecution here. But if I leave here early, my folks may try to keep me on a tight leash. There shouldn’t be any question about military school, since it isn’t like I would have flunked out of here, but my dad can be very stubborn. Letter of the law, that kind of thing. I can just hear his voice: “It doesn’t matter why you didn’t finish. Fact is, you didn’t finish. So off you go.”
And then there’s the new kid. I tell John, “I understand Mrs. Harnett already has a new roommate picked out for me.”
He looks at me like he’s trying to figure out how seriously to ta
ke my tone of voice. “That’s right. Kent Finnigan. What did she tell you about him?”
“That he’ll be a challenge.”
“She thinks you can handle it.”
“You don’t?”
“Let’s say I’d be willing to give you a chance. But let’s be honest, Taylor. What you did, nearly sacrificing yourself on the altar of Satan like that, shows that maybe your powers of judgment need a few checks and balances. And it’s also risking another soul.”
Okay, I don’t like the implication I’m getting here. “And that means what, exactly?”
He smiles and shakes his head. “Don’t take it as criticism, exactly. All I mean is that having a new roommate is a big responsibility. And the more challenging, the more room for mistakes. If you take this assignment, I’ll need to work closely with you. I wouldn’t expect you to tell me everything he does, but I would want to be sure he was getting the guidance he needs. Do you remember how Charles was with you at first?”
“I do. And I don’t think I’d be quite the same.”
“No. I expect you wouldn’t. I don’t think Charles’s style would be good for this boy. But it was good for you. It chafed you in all the right ways, just enough, and you found your own way into the residence. Your style would be better for this boy. But because you’re still Step One, it would be my responsibility to monitor how things are going. Do you understand why that would be necessary? For the good of the boy and of the Program?”
“I guess so.”
“Are you going to call your folks tonight?”
“Yes. Probably after Charles leaves. I want to see him off.”
He nods. “Okay, then. Please let me know if you make a decision tonight, and what it is. Any other questions for me?”
I decide to give him a little bit of a test. “When Reverend Bartle had me tied up in his little cell last night, he said he didn’t kill all eleven of the kids who’ve died in here. Just one or two. But is that the truth? And how many did he rape?”
Thinking Straight Page 30
