When her climax finally ceased, she lay breathless and weak. Shan crawled back up her body and left kisses all over her.
“You taste so sweet, Riviera. And you’re so arousing and beautiful when you come. I’m gonna make you do that over and over again.” He swept her hair back and felt the moisture on her cheeks.
“Hey, are you crying? Is everything okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“No, it was wonderful,” she managed.
He pulled her against him and suddenly she was sobbing in his arms. How could she explain to him that she’d never had an orgasm with a man, that she’d never experienced anything such as that or been treated so gently?
“Oh God, I’m so sorry. I guess I never knew it could be like that,” she whispered, unable to look at him.
“Riviera, don’t be sorry. I’m glad I was able to make you feel that way. I want it to always be good for you.” He held her tightly as his heart thumped in his chest at her words. Shan wondered at the protectiveness he felt toward her. It was something new for him.
“Can I ask you something?” he said.
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you’d never had an orgasm before?”
She cringed at the question. “I’ve had them with, you know …” she stammered. She was embarrassed to tell him she’d given them to herself.
He grinned and tightened his arms around her. “I see. I’m just giving you a heads-up here. Be prepared for a lot more of what you just had. That was only the beginning.”
She raised herself up to look at him and then wriggled around so she was straddling him. She cupped his cheeks and thoroughly kissed him. “I think it’s your turn now,” she said against his mouth. Shan spasmed in response, and Riviera felt him beneath her.
Rolling off him, she took him in her hand and felt his velvety softness. She briefly thought of Jasper and how different it was. He would force her to touch him and she hated it. Now, she craved Shan. She wanted to feel him all over her body.
“What are you thinking?”
She laughed, because this man already seemed to know her so well. “How honest do you want me to be?”
“Completely.”
Taking a deep breath, she leaned next to Shan’s face. “I was just thinking of how much I want to touch you all over. And how different it is with you than it was with him. I abhorred touching him, but I feel like I need to touch you. Does that even make sense?”
She barely finished speaking when she found her mouth trapped in Shan’s searing kiss. He laced his fingers with hers and held them above her head, while his tongue had her sex craving his mouth again.
When he pulled away, she simply said, “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. But I want to see you make yourself come, Shan. Do it for me.”
“Anything for you, Riv.”
He released one of her hands so he could stroke himself. Riviera’s breath was trapped in her chest. His muscles rippled with every movement, every caress. She moved her head so she could lick and then suck his nipple. The guttural sound he made in the back of his throat nearly made her climax again. It was more erotic than she remembered or imagined, and when he said her name, she wrapped her hand around his as he pumped himself to an intense orgasm.
Panting afterward, Shan watched Riviera as she took her fingers and dipped them into the creamy fluid on his stomach and started drawing patterns in it. Her actions shocked him because all the other women he’d been with had wanted it cleaned up immediately. He smiled lazily and watched her, mesmerized. “Mmm, I like that.”
“Not as much as I do. That was …” she swallowed and licked her lips, “really beautiful. I want to do that for you sometime with my mouth.”
“God, Riviera, what you do to me,” he said as he pulled her close and kissed her. He rolled on top of her and framed her face. “I want you, Riviera. I want to bury myself in you but I don’t know if you’re ready for that. You have to tell me when.”
She took her finger and put in into her mouth, tasting him. He pulled it out and asked her, “Is this what you want to do to me?” He took her finger and licked it, then slid it completely into his mouth, and immediately sucked on it as she softly moaned. Shan slipped his hand between them and pressed his finger inside her. Riviera gasped, then moaned even louder.
“Fuck, you’re so wet. Tell me what you want.”
“Shan, I want you, but I’m so scared.”
“Talk to me, Riviera. What are you afraid of?”
“I … of everything, I guess.”
He moved his hand away from her and held her head between both of his hands again. “We can lay like this all night long, if you’d like. We don’t have to do anything else, sweetheart. I’m content with you in my arms. I just want you to be happy.” Then he rubbed his cheek against hers.
“Have you ever been so afraid of something, only to find it was really a silly fear after all?” he asked her.
“No, never. Every time I’ve been afraid of something, it’s been far worse than anything I could’ve imagined.”
Shan never thought about how frightening everything in her life had been for her. “Christ, Riv, I didn’t even think about that. It was everything for you, wasn’t it? Even your childhood?” He felt her body stiffen at the mention of that.
“Yes,” she mumbled. “You might say I’ve been scared my whole life. But you know something? I have to believe it’s made me a stronger person.”
“You make me feel like I need to go home and hug my parents.”
“You do.”
“Riv, do you think you’ll ever feel comfortable enough to tell me?”
They were lying together, facing each other. For once that night, Shan was glad the room was dark because he knew if he could’ve seen what was in her eyes, his heart would’ve busted into pieces. It was in the way her head tucked down and her hands fisted. Shan reached over and picked one up, and it was like trying to pry loose a hardened knot. Whatever was in her head was so fucking awful, every muscle and joint in her body was tensed, almost like she had prepared herself for another beating.
He placed a kiss on her hand and said, “Babe, you’re safe here. You can relax. No one can hurt you. You don’t ever have to tell me if you don’t want.”
“I want to, but it makes me sick, Shan,” she said through gritted teeth.
“Did your parents abuse you too?”
She wouldn’t answer him. Lifting her other hand too, he brought them both to his lips and kissed them.
“Come on, let’s get in the hot tub. I think the jets will do your muscles some good.”
Chapter Fourteen
What The Hell Just
Happened?
Shan held her hand as they walked through the house naked. Riviera was thankful the lights were dimmed because her self-consciousness over her nudity threatened to have her diving for cover. It was only through sheer force of will and some calming breaths that kept her at Shan’s side as they made their way outside, stopping only for two glasses of port. Once the hot tub’s cover was off and the jets on, Shan stepped in and held out his hand for Riviera.
The hot water felt wonderful. Riviera was glad to be under the secure blanket of the water where her body wasn’t completely visible. Shan handed her a glass of port, and she sighed as she sipped it.
“Mmm, this is really good.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
“This feels good too.”
“I especially love it in winter when it’s snowing.”
“I’ve never been in a hot tub before, but in the winter? That sounds freezing!”
“It’s great. Just wait. You’re going to love it.”
“Thank you, Shan.”
“For what?”
“For everything. For being so kind and considerate.”
He took her glass from her and set it on the edge of the tub before pulling her onto his lap. “Having you here has been my pleasure, Riviera. I’m glad you let me in.”
&n
bsp; “I’m glad you don’t think I’m a … well I am a fucked-up mess. But thank you for putting up with me.”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
She did and didn’t bother with being gentle. She kissed him the way she wanted him to kiss her … controlling, demanding, consuming. He matched her for every lick, nip, and stroke of the tongue. She was still on his lap when he said, “Babe, either we’re going to have to do something about the circumstances we’re in, or we’re going to have to stop. It’s your decision, but you have me in a state of Riviera overload right now.”
She chuckled. “Um, I can tell.”
“I’m sure you can.” His hardness was directly beneath her. “Tell me what you want, sweetheart. I’ll do anything you ask.”
“I want you, I really do. My body is screaming for you. But I’m scared.“
“Besides the obvious, what are you afraid of?”
“Pain. Me. You name it. Everything.”
“I see.”
“I’m not sure you do. I’m not sure I do.”
Shan didn’t know how to respond to her, so he didn’t say anything.
Silence took root, growing like a weed. What began as a fun, heated moment had deteriorated into an uncomfortable, awkward situation. Shan was unsure of what to do or say, so he did nothing. And Riviera mistook his inactivity and silence as rejection.
She was in a quandary. She wanted to get out of there, but she was butt naked and ashamed. Not sure what to do, she simply stood and headed toward the house.
“Wait!”
Her heart lifted momentarily, for she thought he was going to stop her.
“There are towels in that cabinet,” he indicated with his hand. “You won’t want to track water into the house.”
He didn’t want her to slip and fall, but she misunderstood him. Her heart plunged, as she thought he was more concerned about the condition of his floors than he was about her. She hurried to the cabinet and snatched a towel, wrapping it around herself as fast as she could. Then she practically ran inside, afraid she would make a fool of herself for the third time that night. When she got to his bedroom, she grabbed her clothes and went into the bathroom to dress. Closing the door, she leaned against it and wondered how in the hell she got herself into this. Jasper had always told her she had shit for brains. Maybe he was right after all.
Shan watched Riviera run into the house. He was utterly confused. What the hell had just happened? One minute they were kissing and the next, she was hightailing it out of there. He felt like maybe she needed some space, so he didn’t run after her. He decided to give her a few minutes.
When what he thought was a reasonable amount of time had passed, he wrapped himself in a towel and followed her inside. He found her dressed and sitting on the bed. It was apparent she’d been crying.
Crouching down in front of her, he placed his hands on her knees. “Riviera, talk to me. What just happened out there?”
She shook her head. “I think it’s best if you take me home.”
“I don’t want to. I want you to stay.”
She chewed on the corner of her lip. “I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
“Was it something I said?”
“No, it’s just … I don’t know, Shan.”
“You have to talk to me.” His eyes pleaded with hers.
“I can’t talk to you when I don’t know what to say. This is all so strange for me. I told you I’m screwed up. I don’t know how to deal with this. You make me feel …”
“What? How do I make you feel?”
She huffed and said, “You make me feel things I’ve never felt … never thought I’d feel, okay? I’m confused by all of this. I don’t know what to do!”
“Why do you have to do anything? Can’t you just go with it?”
“People like me don’t ‘just go with it,’ Shan! That’s not how it works. I can’t forget everything that’s happened to me and suddenly I’m fine. It doesn’t work that way.”
“I don’t suppose it does.”
“I can’t just forget it.”
“Riviera, I didn’t say you should forget it. I wished like hell you could. I wish I could erase that Jasper fucker from your head.”
“He’s only part of my problem, Shan. There’s a whole lot more underneath that even I can’t stand to think about.”
“I’m not going to give up on you.”
“Well, you’re probably making a huge mistake, then.”
She pushed him aside and stood. “Can you drive me home now, or should I call a taxi?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I can drive you home. But Riviera, I don’t care what you say or think, I’m not making a mistake and I’ll always believe in you. You’re the one who’s making the mistake.”
“What do you mean?”
“By not believing in yourself.”
Once dressed, he put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her to him. “I’m going to make you see that someday.” When he kissed her, it wasn’t just a light peck. It made Riviera’s knees weak and she was sure if he hadn’t been holding onto her, she would’ve been on the floor.
Shan only let go of her hand twice, and that was to get in and out of the car. He held it the rest of the time and up until she left him on her front porch. Right before he said goodnight, he made her a promise. “I’m going to figure this thing out with you, Riviera. I’m just warning you. Oh, and one other thing—I don't give up very easily.”
She didn’t sleep all night. Her thoughts were either of his final words to her or his tongue in her mouth or on her damn hoo-hah. Without a doubt, Shan had inched his way under her skin. No, that wasn’t exactly true. It was way beyond that. He was more than just under her skin. He was beginning to wedge himself into all kinds of places, and she needed to figure out how to handle it. She was so worked up that she had to take a cold shower in the morning. Riviera couldn’t face the fifty questions she knew Amie would fire at her, so she set her alarm for five thirty and was out of the house by six.
Shan had her mind and body so twisted, she didn’t know which way was up. Her body felt like a piece of paper that had been pushed through a shredder. She headed for work and hoped she had a peaceful day of painting to figure things out. As soon as eight o’clock rolled around, she was going to call Dr. Ashworth.
*****
Riviera looked at Dr. Ashworth and didn’t know what to say.
“Riviera, let me say that again. When two people are intimate for the first time, it’s always slightly awkward. Think about it. You’ve just bared yourself to that other person, shared the innermost secrets of your body. How can it not be awkward?”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“So, what are you confused about?”
“I want to take it to the next step, but I’m afraid.”
Dr. Ashworth laughed. “Well, who wouldn’t be? Everyone is afraid of taking that plunge, no pun intended.”
“I’m afraid I’ll get freaked out while we’re doing it.”
“I see. What makes you think that?”
“Because of what was done to me before. I mean, every time I ever had sex, it was a painful experience.”
“Yes, it was, both physically and emotionally. But has Shan given you any indication that it would be that way with him?”
“No! In fact, he’s given me the exact opposite. Still, I’m afraid it will bring up some awful memory and I’ll start screaming or do something stupid. Or what if I don’t even know how to do it right?”
“Riviera, does Shan know everything about your past?” Riviera dropped her head and shook it. “Why haven’t you told him?”
“I’m ashamed.”
“Okay, we’ve been through this before. Being ashamed is like doing what?”
“Admitting that it was my fault.”
“And was it?”
“NO!”
“And how did it happen?”
“My parents …”
“What did the
y do?”
“They forced me.”
“So in forcing you, whose fault was it?”
Riviera said in a hushed voice, “Theirs.”
“I couldn’t hear that. Can you repeat it, but louder this time?”
“It was my parents’ fault.”
“Exactly. Now, why should you feel ashamed of something that was forced upon you?”
“I shouldn’t, damn it!”
“That’s right. Riviera, you have yet to get angry over this. All I’ve seen from you is fear and misery. You literally cower whenever I mention your parents. Until you feel anger and resentment over what they did, you won’t be able to move on. I have a question for you. Actually, a couple of them. You’ve gotten angry at Jasper and you resent him. Yes, you have some angst about relationships because of him, but most of your issues now stem from your childhood. My first question is what are you going to do to get angry about what your parents did to you so you can move past this?
“My second one is do you want to risk losing the chance at having a relationship with someone like Shan because you refuse to face those demons? Shan won’t wait on you forever, you know.”
Riviera stared at Dr. Ashworth.
“Oh, I’m not expecting an answer from you today. But I am expecting one eventually. Think about them. You won’t ever shed that blanket of disgust unless you get mad as hell, and then move beyond it. Oh, and Riviera, if I were you, I’d also think long and hard about what you want with Shan. It sounds like he’s willing to do a hell of a lot for you.”
“Yes, I suppose he is.”
“I’ll see you in a week, or before that if you need me. Might I suggest you write your parents a letter? Put everything you feel about them in it, down to the very last detail. Tell them how much they hurt you and how as parents, they abused you by what they forced you to do.”
“But I don’t even know if they still live in the same place.”
Dr. Ashworth smiled. “Riviera, I didn’t say you should actually send the letter. Sometimes writing things down helps purge the feelings holding you back. It can help you deal with the anger you’ve bottled up inside of you. Just write it, read it, and let it sit. You can tear it up afterward, or you can keep it. It’s your choice. But it may help you get past this roadblock.”
Tragically Flawed Page 12
