Ruined.
Suddenly, he wasn’t alone, and Slayer was gripping his shoulder tightly, his face pinched with pain.
“We’re gonna find a way to get through this, brother.”
Slayer’s words were confident, breathy, and filled with a finality that Green didn’t know if he trusted.
“I hope so.”
Part Two
(3 months Later)
Chapter 12
Emily sat in the very same chair she’d occupied for months, in Rayna’s old room.
The sun was bathing her face in a warmth she didn’t feel often, and she was doing her best to try to soak it up. The clubhouse was quiet, with only a few guys working in the garage. The other old ladies were on a long weekend trip out of town, but Emily hadn’t wanted to go.
Instead, she stayed cooped up in her room, in the very same chair she was currently sitting in.
“You gotta eat something, Em.”
Laura came bustling into her room, a tray in her hands. Her green eyes were determined and steely, but Emily didn’t mind her gruffness. She didn’t mind much of anything at all.
Her hand slid to her stomach and she rested it there for a second.
“Did you take your vitamin this morning?,” Laura asked.
Emily nodded dutifully.
Laura quirked a smile in her direction.
“Good girl. I made you a chicken breast sandwich, with fresh chicken, and added an extra pickle. I know how much you love them.”
“Thank you.”
As Emily turned to take the tray, Green ducked into the room and smiled at her.
“How are you feeling today?”
“I’m fine,” She said.
Laura glanced at Green and back at Emily, nodding slightly before she hastily exited the room.
“I thought we could watch Sweet Home Alabama,” Green suggested.
Before she could stop him, he’d ducked and kissed her forehead.
“Okay,” She said softly.
He eyed her for a second before he slid the DVD into the player next to the TV and pressed play. He laid out across her bed like he had a right to, but she didn’t argue.
Emily didn’t argue about much of anything, anymore.
“You get any sleep last night?”
“Not much,” She said.
Green frowned and cleared his throat before he glanced at her belly while she nibbled on her sandwich.
“I was gonna visit Rider today, if you wanted to come with me.”
Emily’s hand froze halfway to her lips and her mouth filled with sticky saliva, signaling she was going to be sick.
Before she could answer him, she ran for the bathroom and fell to her knees in front of the toilet, her stomach emptying its contents.
Green was there in a heartbeat, his hands holding her hair away from her face.
Rider, Rider, Rider…
Emily’s mind was suddenly consumed with the day they buried him in the same cemetery as Esme’s former husband.
They’d lowered his casket into the ground and Emily had refused to leave his grave site for hours.
She was there every day for weeks after that, and now?
Now she couldn’t stomach the thought of going to his grave.
What does that say about me?
“I can’t,” She whispered as she rested her face on the seat of the toilet.
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do, baby. I understand.”
Emily couldn’t help it; she started crying.
“Oh, Em…”
Green reached for a hand towel and wiped her mouth gently before he lifted her into his arms and cradled her against his chest.
“I’m sorry. Just set me down, I’ll pull myself together,” She said softly.
Green shook his head and sat her down in the same chair she’d just vacated.
“Look at me, Emily.”
When she tipped her head up to look at him, he was smiling at her.
“You know everyone here had to come to terms with what happened that night. You know we’ve all had to lean on each other. Rider was a damn good man, and he deserved to be here to meet that baby growin’ in your belly. He wouldn’t want you to be sad all the time.”
Emily’s lower lip trembled at the mention of the baby in her stomach.
“I still feel so guilty, Killian. It’s my fault he isn’t here,” She said as tears dripped from her eyes.
Green shook his head and tipped her chin up.
“No one blames you, and I know that he wouldn’t, either. You tried. You did your best to sway Ash, and it didn’t work. Now he’s dead. He can’t hurt you or that baby in your belly, and ya know what? I would never let that happen, anyways.”
Emily struggled to find the words as she covered her face with her hands.
“Rider was an amazing man. He was so kind and sweet and he loved with his whole heart, Killian. How am I ever going to convey that accurately to this baby? I don’t know what I’m doing,” She breathed.
Green took her hands into his.
“We’re all here to help you. We’ll tell that baby all about his daddy. We won’t let his memory die. You’re not alone. Besides, I have it on good account that I’m a pretty good best friend.”
Emily watched Green wiggle his eyebrows, taking the seriousness out of their conversation.
He was always good at that, deflecting the pain and sorrow that surrounded her. Sniffing, she rubbed a hand over her nose and nodded.
“Yeah, I know. You changed your name into my phone to ‘Bestest friend in the world’ followed by eggplant emoji, the water emoji, and the heart-eyed emoji.”
He nodded, a proud smile on his face.
“Damn right! It ain’t a lie, either. I’ll always be here for you, Em.”
Her heart released a little pang, a small twinge that stung.
“So, you keep tellin’ me,” She whispered.
Green’s face fell for a second and he looked away from her before he released a small breath, his green eyes back on hers.
“I never got a chance to say anything, but that day…I shouldn’t have told you to leave him. I shouldn’t have done that to either of you, and I regret it so bad. He didn’t deserve it,” Green told her.
His expression told her he meant it all the way down to his soul, so she just nodded, even though the mention of that day had her spilling more tears.
Who would have known one person could cry so much?
“Well, he wouldn’t want you to dwell on it, right? All of us regret what happened that day, I know you were just caught up in the moment.”
Green’s brow furrowed and he shook his head, his fingers gripping hers in her lap.
“I wasn’t. That’s why I feel so fuckin’ guilty. I meant it.”
Emily didn’t know what to say, so she just motioned towards the TV.
“Let’s watch the movie, okay?”
Green’s mouth twisted into a frown before he said, “Whatever you want.”
As she climbed into the full-size bed behind her, she pulled the blanket she’d stolen from Rider’s room over her legs and cuddled the soft material against her cheek.
Green watched her settle in before he turned the volume up on the TV and voices filled the room. So, things weren’t perfect. Things were only just starting to make sense. Like the fact that Emily was nearly three months pregnant and it was Rider’s baby. Or the fact that everyone in the clubhouse was still walking on egg shells around her- or were they? She didn’t pay much attention to anything. She took her vitamins, ate what Laura told her to, and spent most of her time in her room, cradling her slightly rounded belly.
Green pulled her favorite arm chair closer to the side of her bed and motioned towards the TV.
“If Rayna were here, she’d be in that bed right beside you, watching this movie for the millionth time.”
“I know she would,” Emily whispered.
“Scarlett called earlier, told me to tell you s
he misses you.”
“Okay.”
Green sighed and settled deeper into the chair, but she could still feel his eyes on her every few minutes.
“I’m not going to melt, ya know. I’ve gotten much better at that.”
Green nodded his head, but she could tell he didn’t really believe her. He shouldn’t. She was a mess most of the time, and everyone knew it.
“It’s been a rough couple of months. Everyone is still in shock, I think.”
Emily ran her fingers over the edge of the fuzzy blanket in her palms and said, “You know I would have died for him? I asked for it. Begged Ash to take me instead.”
Green stiffened in his chair.
“Your wrists were torn to hell, Em. We know you tried everything you could to save him.”
Emily glanced at her own wrists, still scarred from the events of that day.
Still ringed with memories she wanted so badly to forget.
“Did I? I should have stayed away from him. I shouldn’t have dragged him down the drain with me,” She whispered, her heart in her eyes.
“You didn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do, and we both know that. You made him happy, and as fucked up as it sounds, I can’t imagine he would have wanted to spend his last moments with anyone else.”
Emily choked on her own tears when Green told her that, because even mentioning Rider made her want to crawl into a hole and evaporate. But, she couldn’t do that. She didn’t have a choice anymore. She was having his baby, and that meant that she had to take care of herself no matter how badly she wanted to just disappear.
Green grunted under his breath and climbed into bed beside her, his arms pulling her in close.
She fought against his hold, trying to push against his chest.
“What the hell are you doing?,” She demanded through her tears.
“I’m comfortin’ you, something I’ve been dying to do for weeks now. Calm the fuck down, and let me hold you.”
Slowly, Emily relaxed into his arms and let his warmth heat her through her clothes. The blanket was tucked between them, a reminder that even when she didn’t think so, Rider was still with her.
He would always be.
“I miss him,” She cried into Green’s chest.
His own eyes stung for a second when he said to her, “Me too. More than you know.”
Her palms flattened against his cut, and she gripped the soft leather in her grip.
“Will it ever get easier?”
“Yes. One day you’ll wake up, and it won’t hurt so much. One day his memory will make you happy, and it’ll fill you with a calm like you’ve never felt,” He murmured into her hair.
Emily shook her head because she didn’t believe him.
She didn’t know what to believe anymore.
Some nights she could sleep easy and some nights she was plagued with nightmares about Rider that had her up until the morning hours, her body tucked in the chair by the window, his blanket wrapped around her fingers.
“Can I ask you something?”
Her tone sounded flat, even to her own ears.
Green nodded against her hair, his beard making a scratchy noise against her pillow.
“What does Kandy have that I don’t?”
Green’s hands paused in her hair and on her back, neither of them moving even a fraction of an inch as he stared down at her.
“Kandy doesn’t hold a candle to you. She never has.”
Emily’s eyes blinked away more tears as she asked him, “Then why did you do that to me? Why did you hurt me?”
Green’s gaze flickered to her mouth before he shook his head.
“I have no excuse for it. I was high, drunk. It was the first night Sexy Sinners was open. I lost my head, and ya know what the saddest part of that is?”
Emily shook her head as she waited for him to tell her something she didn’t already know.
Green tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and ran the pad of his thumb along her cheek.
“I’ve always been the one around here to keep a level head. I don’t fuck things up like that, I usually help my friends fix their own shit. So, the saddest part? I had the girl, the one, she was mine…and I lost her because of my own stupidity. There wasn’t anything keeping us apart, we were doing great…and I fucked it all up.”
Emily’s heart thudded in her chest as he spoke so openly, so honestly to her.
“Maybe it’s a good lesson for next time.”
Her words hurt her own heart, so she couldn’t imagine what they did to Killian’s. She figured she would probably never get closure of any kind out of the Rider and Green situation, but then, did she really deserve it?
Green’s arms tightened around her.
“Maybe next time won’t hurt so bad,” He said softly.
Maybe next time won’t be shadowed by death and regret, either.
Maybe next time neither one of us will hurt so much.
Maybe next time I won’t feel like a blue sky without a sun.
Maybe, just maybe, being a mom would offer her the redemption she hoped she’d one day deserve.
So, she closed her eyes and tried to erase the image of the father of her unborn child dead in a brown metal folding chair beside her, his fingers still wrapped around hers. She did her best not to think about how long she’d held Rider’s lifeless body against hers, how hard she fought against Ox when he told her it was time to let him go.
She tried not to remember the way his hair felt between her fingers when she’d sung the song they danced to in her living room, in his ear.
Emily did her best to not let her grief overwhelm her as it had before, but she still found herself crying into Green’s chest for the first time as he clung to her.
“I’m so sorry, Em. I’m sorry I let you down.”
His words weren’t what she’d expected, but she didn’t tell him that. Instead, she tugged on his cut and asked if he would take it off.
Green didn’t question her, he simply slid the leather from his shoulders and tucked her into the crook of his arm as if they’d never stopped doing that.
“I don’t know if I can forgive you,” She admitted sheepishly.
It was silent for a long time in her room, in Rayna’s old bedroom, so long in fact, she didn’t think he would respond to her at all.
So, as she closed her eyes and started to drift off, his deep voice filled the room, his Irish accent making the barest of appearances.
“I know…”
Chapter 13
“It’s okay to move on.”
“He wouldn’t want you to wallow, Em.”
“He loved you enough to want you to be happy.”
Emily crossed her legs at the ankles, her long dress clinging to her sweaty skin. It was sunny out and no matter how she shifted in her seat, she just couldn’t get comfortable. She thought maybe she needed a little fresh air.
A knock on her door nabbed her attention and she turned to see who was looking for her. Green came striding into her room, a small smile on his face. Emily returned his smile the slightest bit.
“Are you busy?”
Emily frowned and shook her head.
“Do you wanna get lunch with me? I know it’s sudden, but I haven’t eaten so I thought I’d ask.”
Emily hesitated before slowly nodding her head.
“Yeah, okay. What did you have in mind?,” She asked as she untangled herself from the chair. Green hurried to help her stand, even though she didn’t need his help.
He scratched the back of his neck, almost nervously, before he sighed.
“I was thinking we could head into town, eat in the park.”
Emily glanced out the window at her car. It sat in the same spot, day after day. She never drove it. She hadn’t left the clubhouse apart from seeing the doctor.
“Why not?,” She asked.
Green smiled at her again, something easy and tender, and Emily did her best to ignore the sparks.
&nbs
p; “Great. Give me a second to clean up.”
She nodded as he left her standing there, slightly confused and barefoot. Even as she told herself she wasn’t doing anything wrong, her body practically ached with loneliness. Green spent a lot of time with her, and he never pressured her to do anything she didn’t want. If he asked and she said no, he dropped it. Emily appreciated that, sure, but it was unfair of her to expect that she could just hide away from everyone else.
They needed her, too.
Torch was manning the deserted bar when she walked into the great room and he did a double take when he saw her.
“Hey,” He said.
She nodded, smiled at him.
“You look better, how are you feeling?”
Emily gripped her belly and sent a wink in his direction.
“Like I’d love two shots of tequila.”
Torch hesitated for only a second before he chuckled and Emily felt better for making him laugh. There hadn’t been much laughter in her life as of late, and she’d forgotten how much she liked it.
“You had me worried, Elsa.”
She rested her arms on the back of a stool, still watching him.
“Why’s that?”
Torch was arranging clean glasses on the shelf below the bar when he said, “Thought we lost you for a second. Would have been a tragedy.”
Before she could respond, Green was breezing into the room, a grin on his handsome face.
“You ready to go?”
Emily nodded and then held up a finger.
“Forgot my shoes, hold on!”
As she hurried to get her shoes, she thought about what Torch said.
Am I really that bad?
The question startled her right down to her core. She didn’t want to think that in her own grief she’d abandoned everyone she cared about.
Did I do that?
Emily didn’t dwell on it while she headed out into the sunlight to join Green. He was standing against her car, his arms crossed against his chest. She took a second to study him, to remember him.
He smiled affectionately at her and for a split second it felt like old times.
Greed (Seven Deadlies MC Book 4) Page 9
