Divine: A Novel

by Jayce, Aven

  “I need help.”

  You’ve gotten help in the past; remember? You had that drug that silenced both of us, the one for depression. You walked around like a zombie for months and I wasn’t allowed to speak. It was horrible! We became nothing more than sauntering flesh. Now, stop talking nonsense and go fuck Dan.

  I finger comb my hair and slip back into my robe, then notice the back door to my bedroom’s open. Wide open. I had it ajar, just a crack to let in the fresh spring air, but not like this. And Hayden’s trilogy is gone. What the hell? All three books are missing.

  Fuck this. It’s one thing to look in my window, but another to walk into my home. Damn it, he better not be downstairs... not in my living room! I race down the steps, but it’s clear. He must’ve picked up the books and left out the bedroom door. But why?

  I’m walking over to see Dan and not because Violet suggested it. I’m going right now with my sleeves rolled up and flip-flops flapping on my feet. I don’t care if I’m without makeup or if anyone sees me. He broke into my home.

  I knock. He answers. I hold up my fist. He shakes his head.

  “Who the fuck do you think you are, breaking into someone’s house? You ass monkey!”

  “The door was open. I didn’t break in.”

  “Thief. You stole from my home. You broke in and took my books.”

  “Umm, technically those are my books,” he says in a sly voice.

  “No, you can’t walk inside my place unannounced. It’s illegal, and sick, and twisted, and I should call the cops.”

  “You set the stage. You built it, yet you have cold feet.”

  “This isn’t a game, Dan. And what do you mean by that anyway?”

  “You know exactly what I mean, my shadow.”

  Shadow is the name of Hayden Night’s trilogy, and I don’t understand the connection. “I haven’t been kidnapped and you’re far from being a man who’s dark and twisted. And,” I say, opening my robe to give him an eye full. “I’m not a virgin who you’re going to deflower.”

  “J.D., do you have any... of... oh... oh Mary, Mother of our Dear Lord Savior to all.”

  “Oh my God!” I yell and tighten my robe, as an older man walks up behind him. Dan stands with his mouth open, slack down to his knees. He’s speechless; they’re both speechless, and I’m an idiot. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” I scream and run back to my place. No, no, no. That must’ve been his father. The two look so much alike. No. It’s over. I’ve ruined everything! Violet, you’re so wrong. This isn’t the way to go. It’s not me. Why did I do that? I don’t understand why I couldn’t just use my words to make a statement.

  Because he’s winning, and you needed to level the playing field, that’s why.

  “Never again, Violet. Never, ever, again.”

  I’m destined to be alone, too embarrassed to show my face at the university because of the porn, and now I’ve humiliated myself, and Dan for that matter, in front of his father. If I had the money I’d move to a small mountain town and live in a secluded cabin, lost and lonely forever.

  Just you and the sheep, right?

  Mehhh.

  And that’s how I spend the remainder of my afternoon. Pacing in my living room, wondering why he took the books, if he’ll ever talk to me again, if I should walk over and apologize, and when I’ll stop making animal noises.

  I lied earlier. I said my life is meh and that I walk around my house meh-ing and bah-ing to scare people away. It was all a lie. I make the noise because of a dream I had last year, one where I could communicate with people through sheep-like sounds. And people would answer me using similar noises. It was comforting.

  No, I’m not a total nut job. I’m looking for answers.

  I pace and meh until I can pace and mehhh and bahhh no more, then I go back to my bedroom and collapse on the bed with my laptop in hand. I’m not opening my campus email or checking book stats, not for at least a day, but I will go on Facebook, as Div, not Violet.

  Thank you Lord! Yes. Dan sent me a private message. Please be good. Please be good.

  5pm today. You need to be punished. Dress like a Catholic schoolgirl.

  Kinky. He still likes me. I was worried about nothing. No, what I did was wrong and I still need to apologize for that shit.

  Five o’clock? I’ve got twenty minutes to dress both my body and face. Or maybe he doesn’t want me to dress? Wait, where are we going?

  He wants me to look innocent, but fuckable, right? That’s what guys mean by Catholic schoolgirl. This is exciting.

  No. Stop. He broke into my house. What the fuck? He’s turning this around and now I need to be punished? What a slick dick, and I almost fell for it.

  It’s time to start my own game.

  I dress hurriedly, knowing the look Dan desires; the short plaid skirt, white button down with the waist tied to show off my belly button, knee high socks with platform shoes... yeah fuck him, that’s the guy’s version of Catholic. He’s getting a lot more than he bargained for. I’m in control.

  I step outside in my Catholic schoolgirl clothes. I’m ready. Here I come, Daniel, your plain-Jane bundle of joy is on her way.

  He opens his door and studies me from head to toe before shaking his head with a big grin. “Wow. Even better than I had imagined. You look spectacular, Div. Let me get my keys and we’ll go.”

  What? I’m wearing a fluffy oversized white sweater with an image of a pink cupcake on the front and an ankle length skirt you’d see on a pioneer woman of the 1800s. He can’t be serious. Did I just fucking lose again? I’m not going out like this. No offense to people who own cupcake sweaters, but I don’t believe it’s the sexiest look when you’re meeting a guy for a third date, yet for some reason Dan’s happy with it? I give up. He’s got me.

  “Thanks for agreeing to your punishment,” he says while locking his front door.

  “I’m sorry about this afternoon and I’ll apologize for it over and over again, but just so you know, I’m pissed off that you entered my home. I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me why, and why’d you run off with the trilogy?”

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about...” he pauses as we stand in front of his home. “I’m starting to adore you. I spent the morning reading from your pile of Wild West Adventures and got turned on by the fact that this new woman in my life bought such madcap books, so I came over to say hello. I need your number, by the way.”

  I nod. “Go on.”

  “You didn’t answer your front door so I went around back to see if you were in your bedroom.”

  “That’s trespassing.” I know. I do it too. “Besides, I should’ve been at work at that time. What made you think I’d be home?”

  “I was hoping; that’s all. It was worth a shot and then I saw that your back door was open.”

  “So, you walked in?”

  “You shouldn’t leave your door open when you’re in the shower. It’s dangerous. Think what could’ve happened if some random guy walked in. You could’ve been raped or kidnapped, or worse.”

  “Like Hayden’s books? What the fuck sort of reasoning is that, Dan? Who raised you to just walk into people’s homes?” I turn and start to walk away but he grabs my arm and pulls me back.

  “I just wanted to see you, that’s all.”

  His face is inches from mine and I can smell his breath again, spearmint, some sort of mouthwash, and not cinnamon like the other night. He’s dressed... I hate to say it, but he’s dressed like a Catholic schoolboy. A crisp white button down shirt tucked into black pants with shiny black oxford shoes. His shirt is opened one button where a tiny cross hangs on a thin gold chain around his neck.

  “I’m sorry. Don’t leave.” His voice is soft and his eyes sincere.

  “Why did you come in?” I whisper.

  His feet move closer to mine. The tips of his shoes touch my big toes and I wiggle them, wondering if he can feel my playful touch through the leather.

  “Pathetically, I was jealous.” />
  That’s a bewildering answer. Someone’s jealous of me? Jealous of what?

  “I overheard you talking to someone in the shower so I picked up my books and left. I didn’t know you had another boyfriend. I mean, that’s okay.” He steps away and sighs. Definitely hurt and I can sense he’s unsure as to how to proceed. “A lot of people are in open relationships and I know we just started this thing. It just took me by surprise, that’s all. My gut churned and I picked up the books in anger and left.”

  His voice is low, faint, and by his body language I can tell he’s uneasy. He’s exposed his feelings and it’s the first time he’s acted vulnerable in front of me.

  He’s not an ass like I thought. See what you did, Violet?

  I’m not the one who talks out loud, you are. I’m in your head, moron. This is your fault. Now fix this so you can get in his pants tonight.

  “It’s not what you think,” I say.

  “You don’t have to explain. Really, it’s your life. I just want to be clear that I’m a one-to-one relationship type of guy, so it will take a little getting used to, and I don’t want to lie, it might not work for me this way. But, I can give it my best...”

  “Dan, stop.”

  “Is he older or younger than me? Better looking?”

  “Dan.”

  “Has he touched you? Uh, that was a dumb question. Of course he has, the two of you were in the shower together.”

  It’s at this moment that I realize why I’ve let Dan take over my life this week, why I can’t get him out of my head, why this relationship is going to develop and thrive. He’s just like me.

  I take his hands in mine and pull him closer, closer, until our bodies touch as we stand under his front cherry tree. The branches bloom with pink buds and birds chirp a happy little song. That’s how I’ll remember this moment. Our first kiss. Out of the blue, I just realized it’s about to happen.

  We close our eyes and his hands touch the small of my back, moving upward until they wrap around the sides of my neck. I detect his head tilting down, moving nearer to mine, and then our lips touch. Oh God, I’ve never had a perfect kiss. Never, ever. His mouth opens, but no tongue. It’s wonderful. Sexy. Picture perfect.

  Maybe he really doesn’t have a tongue?

  Nope, there it is. Soft, gentle, not too overpowering, and it doesn’t stay for long. A welcome guest for only a few moments. Oh man, he can kiss.

  Complete. It’s over. I want more.

  I see Dan’s warm smile as I open my eyes and we hug, a simple old-fashioned hug. Whatever happened to those things? You never see people hugging anymore.

  “I have to tell you something, Div.” He whispers in my ear as we embrace. I hope he doesn’t say the L word. It’s too soon. It would ruin everything. I’m not ready to say it. Nope. I’m obsessed and he’s penetrating my heart, but just wait, Dan. Just a little longer.

  “I can be sweet sometimes, but you should enjoy my tender touch while you can, because once you’re spread-eagle in my bed and my dick takes charge, no one’s going to come and save you.”

  Mmm. I’m doomed.

  “You have a beautiful body, by the way.” He steps back and takes my hand as we walk to his car. “Too bad my father got to experience its arrival at my front door. I would have liked to have opened the package on my own.”

  “I can’t believe I did that. I’m so sorry.”

  “It was a surprise. Not an unwelcome one, but definitely shocking. I’ve seen a lot of things, but never a woman flashing herself at my front door... a shaved woman at that. It’s a first.”

  “The flash job or the shave job?”

  “Both,” he grins. “Never in real life.”

  Ahh, he watches porn, where else do you see shaved women? Not at the movies or on T.V., right? Not unless you see nasty films and subscribe to the Playboy Channel. And people think tons of women shave or wax, but that’s not the case. A lot of women go for ‘au naturel,’ especially the ones living in colder climates. At least that’s what I think. I don’t deal in facts per se.

  “I’m so ashamed, Dan. Can you tell your father I’m sorry?”

  “Don’t worry about it too much.”

  “What if we’re still together months from now, during the holidays and I have dinner with your family? I won’t be able to face him, plus he’ll always think I’m a slut.”

  “Think of it this way, family gatherings will never be dull and boring because we’ll always have your vagina to fall back on.”

  “Dan?”

  “Huh?” he responds, pulling out of our development.

  “I don’t have another boyfriend.”

  He glances over and I can tell he’s fighting back a smile.

  “Sure. So you were having what sounded like an involved and argumentative conversation with yourself?”

  “Yes.”

  He shakes his head and laughs. “Come on, Div. I’m not an idiot. I can tell when someone’s upset at another person.”

  “Why is that so hard to believe?”

  Shut up, Div. You’ll scare him off.

  “People sing in the shower and I talk to myself. It’s not unusual.”

  Yes, it is.

  “Haven’t you ever done that before?”

  “Of course I do, everyone does, but in my head, not out loud,” he says.

  “It’s not impossible.”

  “Are you serious? I heard arguing. So you were yelling at yourself?”

  “I’m a one-to-one person too, and I swear to you, on my scout’s honor, or the code of the virgin rainbows, or whatever, I was alone. I’m angry about something and I needed to talk it out, that’s all.”

  Thanks a lot, bitch. You weren’t alone.

  Dan’s quiet for a few minutes, but then I get the impression that he believes me and has accepted my explanation. His whistling fills the Cherokee as he adjusts his pants and drives. I know he’s happy when he whistles.

  “Dan?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Where are we going?”

  “I’m offering you to the gods. Too bad you mentioned this afternoon that you’re not a virgin, they’d be more accepting if you were.”

  “Seriously,” I laugh. “Tell me.”

  “I’m being serious.”

  “Come on.”

  “I’m taking you somewhere for punishment for exposing your body before I was ready to see it. You need to be a good Catholic girl tonight and repent. Then you’ll be rewarded.”

  “Is this another game or are you serious?” His response is still only a smile. Mr. Dickey Dick. I like that name for him and I’m going to start calling him that out loud unless he tells me.

  We turn into Black Forest Ridge, a wealthy community north of campus that the students refer to as snob city. The houses are mini-estates, each with a carriage house and a tennis court or an in-ground pool. They were built in the early ‘20s, before the Great Depression and are massive stone beasts.

  “Dan?”

  The driveway’s swarming with luxury cars and men and women who’re dressed to attend a high-class social event.

  “Dan?”

  My underwear’s soaked in sweat. I’ve been comfortable around him until now. I look at my cupcake sweater as we pass a tall blonde in high heels and a silver strapless dress.

  He parks in the rear, alongside one of three catering vans and opens my door to help me out.

  “What are we doing?” I whisper. “I can’t go in here like this.”

  “You look gorgeous, Div.”

  “This isn’t like that weird Tom Cruise movie, Eyes Wide Shut, is it? Are we going to a sex party?”

  “I wish,” he laughs and holds out his hand. “Unfortunately, it won’t be that exciting and I’m not about to share you with anyone. Especially since I haven’t had you to myself yet. Come on, follow me inside and I’ll explain everything.”

  “So this is my punishment?”

  He puts his arm over my shoulder as we walk through a back door that leads t
o the kitchen. “Not really. For now, we’re just helping out an old married couple.”

  “James Daniel, over here sweetie.” A voice that sounds like my... my mom’s, calls out to him. Calm, feminine, loving. My heart breaks sometimes when I hear people with a similar pitch using her tender words.

  She’s in a stunning Jade dress and I wonder if this is her party or if this is his parents’ home. Is she Dan’s mother? My word, they’re loaded. Holy balls.

  “Mom, I’d like you to meet Divine Hallowell, she’ll be with me tonight and joining the family later.”

  “It’s a pleasure, Divine. My husband and I appreciate your help.” She shakes my hand. “Greg, we need to go!” She calls out. “Reservations at six!”

  Fuck, it’s his parents... his father... my vagina. Gulp. I step behind Dan hoping his dad will walk right past and never notice that I’m here. Maybe he won’t recognize me with clothes on. Did he even see my face? No, he definitely wasn’t looking up when I was at Dan’s door.

  You’re acting like a baby. Stand proud, stick out your chest, and flash a warm smile. He’s married. He knows what vaginas look like.

  Violet’s right. Stepping forward, I know I can’t hide out forever. Let’s get this over with.

  His father walks in with a tray of empty wine glasses that he places on a counter, before removing an apron from around his waist. His wife straightens his tie and gives him a kiss on the cheek, then slides her arm around his. They start to leave, arm in arm, and it looks like I’m in the clear for now.

  He holds the door for his wife then yells back. “It’s nice to see you again, cupcake.”

  I blush while Dan laughs. Okay, good, he made a joke.

  “He’s not upset?”

  “If you were a fifty-year-old man, would you get upset by the sight of...”

  “Alright, I get it. You don’t have to remind me of the details. I’ll apologize the next time I see him.”