by Jayce, Aven
Servers walk in and out of the kitchen and I’m still confused as to why we’re here until Dan gives me a hint.
“Did you see the side of the vans when I parked?”
I shake my head.
“Go look,” he nods toward the door while putting on an apron.
Now, why the fuck didn’t I notice that when we pulled in? The sides of the catering vans have the Keller name on them. His parents have a catering business. Duh.
Dan’s hand slips under my hair and his fingers caress the back of my neck in a slow circle, while sending goose bumps along my arms.
“You disappointed?” he whispers, his lips an inch away from my ear. Now I have chills. Goosebumps and chills.
“Disappointed in what?”
A strong exhale rushes over my ear and down my neck. Damn him, I’m so fucking turned on right now.
“That was a beautiful answer,” he says. “Thank you.”
CHAPTER NINE
I don’t get it, Div. Just like you said the other day, nothing’s happening. I’m gonna take a nap until we get kidnapped or something fun like that. What the fuck? Why couldn’t he be rich, or abusive, or a serial killer? This guy gets more and more bland with each passing minute. I say dump him and fuck one of your students. That will liven things up.
This isn’t one of my books, Violet. It’s real life and I’m not one tiny bit upset that Dan’s family’s ‘normal.’
Snore. Fuck real life. We just spent two hours in a kitchen slicing cheese and setting up snack trays for the rich. I’m not doing this shit again.
If that’s all it takes to get rid of my inner voice, then I’ll ask the Kellers to give me a job.
You better get laid for those two hours.
I happily volunteered my time and I don’t need to get paid.
Laid, Divine. LAID!
Dan’s parents are Greg and Kristen Keller, and no, they’re not rich. They don’t live in a big mansion out in snob city, and I’m thankful for that. I don’t need a guy who’s loaded or who comes from a wealthy family. I’ve read hundreds of books with that plot-line in the billionaire genre and things get too complicated. Bland’s fine.
According to Dan, his parents make an average income. He worked for them from the time he was sixteen until he graduated from college, and continues to step in when needed. Like tonight, which happens to be his parents twenty-ninth wedding anniversary. As a gift, Dan agreed to oversee the business so they could have a night out.
We were at the house until eight when the guests left to attend the opening of a newly renovated theater in the downtown district. This was a pre-party event and one that Greg and Kristen couldn’t cancel. I can imagine clients like these make up the majority of their business, and you don’t want to piss them off, even if it’s your wedding anniversary.
“You survived,” Dan says while helping me back into the Cherokee.
“It’s the least I could do, considering I still feel awful about my alter-ego flashing her thang. That wasn’t me, just so you know.”
“Uh-huh, that’s what they all say. The devil made me do it,” he laughs as we drive out of the neighborhood. “Make sure you don’t put her away until she’s finished displaying her body. I’d like another show soon.”
“Do you think your dad will forget what he saw, or can we figure something out so that he does? Serving the cheese was a step in the right direction, he’ll remember me in my cupcake sweater standing in the kitchen, right?”
“I’m sure he’ll be thinking about that cupcake and not your shaved vag whenever he sees you. Just wait ‘til you really meet my parents. You’ll feel like you’re trapped in a dark comedy,” he laughs. “Let’s see, cupcake or shaved pussy, cupcake, pussy.”
Ug, that word makes me cringe. “It’s a vagina. Whenever I hear the word pussy I think of a cat, and all that comes to mind is, ‘here pussy, pussy.’ It’s not sexy at all.”
“Really?” he says. “So you must despise Hayden’s trilogy. That word’s used on every page. I thought I picked a winner, that is, until I opened your bag, and then surprise. What the fuck? I got one-upped. You beat me at the bookstore game. I thought for sure you’d go mainstream.”
“I like mainstream, the bizarre, and really anything in book form, which is why I need the trilogy back when you drop me off tonight. I haven’t finished reading it. Where are we going anyway?”
“Dessert with my parents, your punishment. If you can make it through a caramel sundae with the Kellers then you’ve earned that fuck we keep discussing.” He reaches over and holds my hand while he drives. Did he say caramel? “And remember, Div. You’re a Catholic schoolgirl tonight.”
How romantic, ice cream with his parents. Now, I’m ecstatic that I wore this outfit. It’s time to stop trying to figure Dan out and thinking all his words are code for something else. Catholic schoolgirl meant reserved and wholesome. Nothing more. Again, who’s the dumbass?
“You ever been here?” he asks, pulling into a retro style ice cream parlor. “My parents enjoy five-star restaurants for special occasions, but always end up at places like this afterward. You ready?”
No. Is anyone ever ready to meet the parents?
“Just remember to breathe every once in a while... and laugh... you won’t make it if you don’t laugh.”
“Make what?”
His parents wave us over to their booth with big smiles and rosy cheeks as if they’ve had too much wine or other liquor with dinner.
“Oh fuck,” Dan says under his breath. “They’re drunk.”
“Divine, please, take a seat across from me. Let’s have a chat,” Kristen says.
“Good luck,” Dan whispers and releases my hand.
How do I start? “Happy Anniversary Mr. and Mrs. Keller. Wow, I love that dress. What a beautiful color.” Small talk to break the ice. Good job, Div. You can handle this.
I turn to Dan’s father, Greg, to apologize, but can’t find the words. It’s also the wrong moment, not in front of his wife. I’d be mortified if she found out. His father catches me staring and tosses a wink. Oh fuck, blushing, blushing.
Kristen notices the interaction and... okay, here we go.
“Divine, you have to tell me sweetie, where do you get waxed? Greg said you’re immaculate, and I could use a touch-up.”
Whoa... I...oh... holy shit. Is this normal or are they really sloshed? The words I’m sorry fall from my mouth repeatedly until I realize the entire family’s laughing, even Dan, who at the same time seems embarrassed by his mother. So this is how it’s gonna be?
Greg nudges his wife and shakes his head.
“Alright, I’m sorry,” she says. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I need you to understand right off the bat that this family doesn’t harbor secrets. That’s why we’re a happy, close-knit bunch of fun loving souls who’re still together after twenty-eight years.”
“Twenty-nine,” his father says.
“Yes, twenty-nine and counting. Not many people can say that,” she smiles and orders a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream with chocolate syrup and a cherry on top. Dan leans in and whispers a reminder to breathe and the rest of us order our desserts.
“I’m happy that your secret’s out so we can clear the air, or maybe I should say, move past the pie in the sky?” Damn, his mother’s good. Quick as a whip. “James Daniel doesn’t bring women around very often.”
Gee, I wonder why.
“You must be very special to our son,” she says.
“J.D.?” his father cuts in. “Is this the third date?”
Dan rolls his eyes and sighs. “Are you really going to do this again?”
His parents look at one another and nod then turn right back to me. I can feel the sweat dripping down my ass crack.
“Is date three significant?” I ask.
“Don’t,” Dan shakes his head.
“Didn’t he tell you?” Kristen’s eyes widen. “James Daniel, shame on you. I just told her we don’
t keep secrets from one another.”
“Alright, you guys need to stop. Not tonight and not to Div. She’s different,” he says. “Plus, I can tell you’re wasted.”
“All girlfriends get the same treatment,” his parents say in unison. Oh my God, what the fuck is happening?
“Should I go first?” Greg asks.
“Yes, start with an easy one,” his wife replies.
“Not a problem.” And with that, he begins. “Are you Catholic?”
That is an easy question. “Yes.”
“You are?” Dan turns abruptly, in disbelief. “Really?”
He’s not the only one who looks shocked. His parents practically gasp at my answer. What? Why is that so hard to believe?
“That would be a first,” his mother says, rolling a cross between her fingers, one that looks the same as Dan’s. “Hmm. Try another question, Greg.”
“Do you have a full-time job?”
“Yes, I’m a college professor. Your daughter’s in one of my classes.”
Now they look horrified, or befuddled, or maybe I’ve traumatized them in some way? Are they in shock? There’s silence, neither one speaking, not a blink of an eye or a twitch of the nose. I’m unsure if they’re even breathing... and I was the one who was supposed to remember to breathe.
“You mean, here, in town? At this university?” Kristen asks.
I nod.
“We’re alumni,” she says proudly. “Ask her something, Greg. This is very interesting.”
Greg clears his throat and continues. “Did you kiss J.D. on the first date?”
“No,” I smile.
“Second?”
“No.”
“Huh,” they gasp.
“Is that bad?” I question as the ice cream is placed in front of us. Good, maybe they’ll be too busy with their dessert to continue. I take a scoop of my chocolate brownie sundae and smile at Dan before bringing it up to my lips.
“Divine, what do your parents do for a living?” Kristen asks.
I pause, which is what I always do when someone asks about Mom and Dad. Now’s the time to breathe. “They’re not living,” I say, watching the ice cream slip off my spoon and land on the red and white speckled table. Dan wipes the spot clean with his napkin while I focus on his mother’s eyes. Concentration and distraction is key so the image of my father’s face doesn’t enter my mind.
I study them, keeping my mind off my parents. Kristen’s very pretty and Bridgette looks similar to her mom; light brown hair and hazel eyes, freckles, tiny nose and ears, delicate and determined, like a wildflower that can withstand a strong wind. Dan has that rounded nose too, but he has his father’s eyes, mouth, and dark thick hair. Okay, I can go on. Their Irish features were a good distraction, now, his mother’s apologizing and I need to respond.
Brush it off so the subject disappears. That’s what you’ve gotta do. “It’s alright. You didn’t know. They both passed away when I was a teenager,” I say.
“Stick with your normal questions,” Dan requests.
“Her answers threw us off.” Greg shakes his head. “She’s Irish, Catholic, and a college professor? And you haven’t asked her to marry you yet?” He looks me in the eye and takes my hand. “Divine? Will you marry my son?”
“Hurry, and get this over with,” Dan says while finishing his ice cream. “Yes, it’s the third date, now do your thing.”
“Okay, next question,” Greg nods. “Have you ever slept with a priest behind the pulpit?”
“No,” I laugh.
“Would you eat ox scrotum for a thousand dollars?”
“No!” I crinkle my nose.
“Ten thousand dollars?”
“Hmm, maybe.”
“How about for a hundred grand?” he asks.
“Yes. I could stomach it for that amount,” I smile.
He seems satisfied and turns to Kristen. It must be her turn.
“Divine, what would you do with the money after you ate the scrotum?”
I laugh but she keeps a straight face. Dear Lord. “Umm, I would probably put it in the bank. I don’t really need anything.” That’s true, except I’d like a job where I’m not bullied everyday, but no amount of money will pay to fix that.
“If you did buy something, anything, what would it be?”
She’s not satisfied with my answer. I take another bite of dessert as I think. Yeah, I know what I’d spend some of the money on. “I’d buy books. A shitload of books.” Damn it. I wonder if I can swear in front of them.
“Really?” his father questions and looks at his wife. “She’d buy books, Kristen.”
“What kind of books?” she asks.
“I collect pop-up books, vintage, the classics, romance novels, mysteries, biographies, and westerns.” I smile at Dan and he laughs. “Also, I enjoy book series, dark books too, and anything erotic.” God, I can’t believe I said that to his parents. Most people think ‘porn’ when they hear the word erotic.
“No shit?” his father studies my face as if I’m lying.
“Huh,” Kristen grunts. “I’ve read some of those erotic books. What’s your favorite?”
Do I dare say it? Should I pimp myself to these people? Fuck yeah, I’m gonna do it. “The Ephemeral Love Trilogy.”
His mother takes a pen from her purse and writes it on her napkin then changes her questioning once more.
“Name a movie directed by the Coen brothers,” she asks.
“Miller’s Crossing, Blood Simple, True Grit, No Country for Old Men, Fargo, and The Big Lebowski. I can name more.”
“Interesting answer,” she tightens her lips. “The complete opposite of all the rest. Greg, honey?” she turns to her husband. “Did we forget anything?” They whisper a list quietly back and forth while I smile and listen, enjoying Dan’s hand on my leg.
“Religion, career, family, money, entertainment... we have a few more.”
“I think we’re good,” Dan says. “She passed, right? Are you finished harassing my date?”
“Almost,” Kristen laughs. “Have you slept with more than ten men?” And then her face goes straight. Just like that. These people are fucked up. Laughing, then serious, laughing, and then serious. Is it the alcohol? Now I’m unsure.
Dan exhales and shakes his head. “You don’t have to answer that, Div.”
“Ten’s a lot,” Greg whispers.
“Six.” Kristen changes the question. “Have you slept with more than six men? Protected sex? Any babies? Diseases? We don’t like floozies in our family.”
“No, yes, no, no, and I’m not a floozy.” I push my empty dish to the middle of the table and lean back, confident that I won, whatever that means. I’m a good Catholic girl, just like Dan asked me to be. Although, he didn’t have to ask, I didn’t lie about anything. I was slutty as a teenager after my mother died, but that included making out with guys, not fucking them. I’ve been careful and I’m only a slut online and when I write. Violet would agree. I wonder where she ran off to anyway?
They whisper again, this time so I can’t overhear, and Dan taps his fingers on the table, impatient, somewhat aggravated.
“Mom, Dad? This is taking much longer than usual. Let’s move on, so Div doesn’t get bored and take off.”
Kristen turns to us and finally speaks.
“She passed. You can take her to your bedroom now.”
“What?” I feel a twitch and an awkward half-smile on my face.
“Yes,” Greg says. “The third date is a test with us and once a woman is approved, Dan has our permission to take her home. You have our stamp of approval, Divine. Have fun tonight.”
Kristen continues to speak as my stomach growls and the ice cream wants out. Dairy and nerves aren’t the best combination.
“We think you’re a keeper,” she says, “so feel free to lay in his bed.”
What the fuck? Is this for real?
“Hey everyone, don’t tell me I missed the questions,” Bridgette kisses her mom o
n the cheek as she joins us. “Hi, Professor Hallowell. Did you pass?”
What the fuck? Bridgette knows too? My student thinks I’m going to sleep with her brother tonight? Why is this happening to me? I hope she doesn’t spread a rumor through her sorority house that I got laid this weekend; life next week on campus will be living hell if she does.
They start to laugh and I smile to be polite, but this is weird.
“Are you going to watch?” I ask, and my question creates teary eyes and flushed faces, even on Dan.
“I’m stopping this,” Dan says. “Div, I’m sorry. They’re only kidding. They do this to everyone.”
“What?” I say. “Do what?”
“Sorry sweetie,” Kristen smiles. “We could care less what our adult son does in that bed of his, or that this is the third date.”
“Yes, we’re not crazy,” Greg says.
No, they are crazy. That was crazy. “But what if I had said I didn’t believe in God, and that I’d eat ox scrotum for free, or that I was unemployed and sat around and watched porn all day?”
They laugh again and this time I join them.
“It wouldn’t be a problem,” Kristen answers. “If Dan likes you then that’s all that matters to us. We trust that he knows what he’s doing. But... and this is one of those big buts, I have to admit that if I did have a say in what he does, I’d be rooting for you to be in his life. As far as I can tell, our son’s right, you’re stunning, refreshing, and downright awful-sauce.”
Bridgette takes her mother’s hand and smiles. “That’s awesome-sauce, Mom, not awful, awesome.”
“She knows what I mean,” Kristen whispers. “Anyway, if you answered truthfully then I can see why Dan’s love-sick over you.”
“Love-sick’s a strong expression,” Dan sits up, as if he wants to leave. “How about, taken, or captivated? It sounds more manly.” He places his hand on my shoulder and pulls me closer. “I think you’ve suffered enough. Your punishment’s over,” he whispers. “Mom, Dad, Happy Marriage Day. Let Bridgette drive you home if you’re drunk, and, just so you know, I don’t give you permission to get it on in the bedroom tonight.”
“James Daniel,” Kristen grins. “If we do, we’ll think only about you and what a beautiful son we created in that bed.”
