Divine: A Novel

by Jayce, Aven

  “It was created when I was three. My parents had a hard time keeping my clothes on at that age. I loved to run around naked. And yes, before you say anything, I know my penis is missing.” We stop next to a big oak tree before he finishes his story. “Bridgette knocked it off with a hammer one day after we got into an argument. My aunt has been saying for years that she’s going to repair it, yet I hope she never does.”

  “Why?”

  “Follow me,” he says, testing an old ladder that’s set against the tree. He starts to climb, then looks down. “Better yet, wait ‘til I reach the top. I want to make sure it’s safe.”

  There’s a platform he’s climbing to, not a fort or some childhood clubhouse, just a platform with a half-wall facing the house. He reaches the top, tests the boards then waves me up.

  “You afraid of heights?”

  I shake my head and climb.

  “So, anyway, I’d prefer my nude figure be without his penis rather than having my aunt work on that area. It’s too disturbing.”

  “Makes sense,” I say, reaching the top. “Wow, Dan. Did you build this?”

  He kicks the ladder away and it falls from the tree in slow motion. I watch it bounce on the hard ground then give him a questionable look.

  “What the fuck? How are we going to get down?”

  “Shh,” he puts a finger in front of my mouth for silence then places a firm grip on my shoulder, forcing me to my knees. Shit, if he wants me to give him head he could be a little more polite about it.

  “My Divine one, I’ve found you.” He pulls his necklace out from under his shirt and kisses the cross. I look to my left, toward the house in case I need help, but who’s going to come? Will his parents save me if I scream? And I can’t see over the half-wall anyway. I’m hidden from the world.

  “They’re not home. We’re all alone, my child,” he whispers. “This is where I wanted to bring you when you were wholesome and dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl the other night.” He tosses his hat to the ground and pulls his shirt over his head, exposing his tattooed flesh.

  His necklace glistens in the final rays of light. I turn again to my left, unsure as to what the fuck’s going on, but curious enough not to jump... yet. My eyes study the board in search of a nail that might be loose, or a sliver of wood, something I could use as...

  ... as a weapon? You’re thinking about puncturing his skin with a nail and yet not getting the fuck out of here? If you’re so afraid that you’re thinking you might need to hurt him then fucking run. Don’t be a cliché character in a horror movie that the audience screams at to run, just RUN.

  You’re the bitch who wanted a little excitement in her life. Wait, Holy Jesus.

  “Do you see it?” he says softly. “Do you see them?”

  I swallow. The boards next to me are scratched. The sun is gone, but with a small amount of light still left I can make out tiny scratches on the wood. I run my finger over one and then another. Crosses. Hundreds of crosses have been carved into the wooden boards.

  He’s going to use you as a virgin sacrifice to the gods. It’s some kind of ceremonial platform.

  Dan kneels before me. I swallow hard and my heart accelerates like I just ran a marathon.

  “Don’t be afraid, this is a place of darkness, but also peace.” He takes my hand and places it over the blackbird on his chest; his heart’s beating faster than mine. “As promised, in exchange for you satisfying my love for your truck, you get your answer about my tat.” He leans in and kisses my neck and I inhale the scent of evening dew.

  “I wanted to be a priest when I was a kid.” He brushes his thumb across my lips then rests it under my chin. “I can tell by your expression that you’re thinking this is a joke, but I’m serious, I swear to God,” he grins.

  “Go on,” I whisper.

  “My parents backed me up, actually they were ecstatic. And, as a kid I did everything I thought would help send me on my way to becoming a priest. I attended Catholic school during the week and church every weekend. I was an altar boy, went to bible school Sunday mornings, volunteered around the community, and hung out at the church’s youth center. I was a good Catholic boy.”

  He places his hand over mine, pressing it securely against the flesh of his chest. “I brought you here because this is the place where my dreams left my body. It’s where I sat one rainy night to get away from my parents when they were arguing about money. It’s where my mother called to me from our back deck to come inside and out of the storm. It’s where I climbed down and started walking away from this tree. It’s where I saw a flash of light and felt a jolt of electricity run through my body. And this is where my mother screamed, my father held me, my heart stopped, and I died. No light, no tunnel, nothing that I can remember until I heard voices all around and became aware of my body being placed in an ambulance, and my mother yelling my name into the heavy rain.”

  “You died? Officially? Declared dead?”

  “For about ten minutes, until the paramedics arrived. The tree was struck by lightning and then the ground current hit me. I ended up with severe headaches and a few burns to heal from, but was lucky it wasn’t worse. I survived and the tree survived, but that’s only the back story; it does get worse.”

  “Fuck, that’s crazy. How old were you?”

  “Twelve.”

  “So what happened?” I feel like I’m opening an Egyptian tomb that may be full of beautiful gold, or could be filled with black scorpions.

  “I thought I was special, godlike for surviving, superhuman or something, that is, until our priest visited me in the hospital and set me straight. He didn’t pull any punches. Flat out he told me the reason I came back to life was because I wasn’t wanted in heaven and that I must have done something to upset God.”

  “He said that to you? You were only a little boy. How could someone be so cruel?”

  “He was right.”

  “No he wasn’t. I don’t believe that shit,” I steam. “I’m sorry, but he crushed a boy’s dreams.”

  “No, I was the one who ended up crushing my dreams. I knew that if I could figure out why I was punished, if I thought about my sins and asked for forgiveness, confessed, and repented; then maybe I’d go to heaven. But I fucked it up.”

  “Dan, you were twelve.”

  He sighs and I bite my tongue so he can finish.

  “I combed through everything in my head that could’ve pissed God off, but came up empty-handed, until I walked around this tree. I hadn’t stepped in our backyard since it happened; it had been over a week and one morning an urge took over.” Dan looks at the branches above us then to the crosses carved into the wood. “The ground was covered with blackbirds. Fifteen, sixteen, possibly twenty of them dead on the ground. I viewed them for a moment as I thought my mother had viewed my limp body on the same ground. They must have been sitting in the branches of the tree for shelter from the rain when the lightning struck, but I’ve never heard of birds dying from lightning, still haven’t. It seemed like a rare phenomenon, one of those strange events that I’ll never be able to explain. All I could do was study the species to try and find a connection.”

  I move closer as his voice becomes quieter in the night.

  “Am I boring you?”

  “No, keep going.” I say in a hurried gasp.

  “Blackbirds,” he runs his hands up my back, pulling my body closer to his. My palm rests over his heart, feeling every beat while he looks deeply into my eyes.

  “I read that these birds are the link between heaven and earth; eternal life, no beginning or end. But what went wrong that night for them to perish while I continued to exist? It was the question I kept asking and one I began discussing with the older parishioners at the church after Sunday morning services. The majority of them had the same answer; it was Divine intervention.”

  A miracle! It’s incredible to think that my name is there, in that phrase.

  “God didn’t punish me or turn me away from heaven, he saved m
e,” he says.

  “That’s beautiful.”

  “Our priest didn’t think so.”

  “Of course,” I whisper.

  “He said I needed to confess my sins and acknowledge the darkness in my soul, and only then would I be permitted to enter the pearly gates. My interpretation of the blackbird didn’t come from any part of the bible; it was in one of my father’s history books on some ancient culture’s beliefs and that didn’t please the priest. He insisted I find my answer in the bible and nowhere else.”

  “That’s one hardcore church you attended. I grew up in a strict Roman Catholic environment, but it was nothing as intense as that.”

  He nods. “He didn’t deter me, though. The man was my role model whose shoes I intended to fill, so I kept searching until I found my answer about the birds.” He holds me tightly, leaning closer to my ear. “They represent carnal pleasure... temptation of the flesh... and this spot as a pre-teen was my place to rid myself of my pleasures.” He kisses my lips and my body shakes. His breathing is heavy and warm as he moves his lips to my forehead. “I confessed this to my priest and he said I had no self-control and without discipline, I would never be like him. He said God punished me; he struck me down in my place of sinister urges.”

  “Holy shit, Dan. That’s messed up.”

  “Not to a young boy obsessed with religion and living the life of God. No, it’s not. I believed what he said, but disagreed with the way out. At that age, a small breeze would give me an erection, or it would just happen for no reason at all. I became a blackbird and sat in this tree every fucking day, seeking gratification and then feeling ashamed and full of guilt afterward. I carved a cross each time I lost control as a reminder of the harm I was doing to my relationship with God and myself, but it wasn’t enough to stop me. Ten crosses, fifty, and then a hundred, I didn’t care, nothing felt as good as jerking off in this tree. Religion became second best, and for myself, it was a turning point in my life. I betrayed God as a pre-teen because of my lack of self-control.”

  “No, you grew up, that’s all. And I know you know that too. You’re only human. The church you attended, or at least the priest of that church, was really behind the times.” I grip his chest tighter and can still feel the heavy thump-thump of his heart. “That would’ve been a traumatic thing for any person at that age to go through, and I understand why you still carry it with you.” My eyes are adjusting to the darkness while the moon makes an appearance over us. “What about the tree on your chest?”

  “The cherry tree,” he leans back. “The blossoms are sexual and dominant. They overpower the darkness of the bird and for myself; they represent sexual freedom. The tree also symbolizes a reawakening. As a whole, it’s a mixture of dark and light. I’ve had the tat in mind for years, but always wanted an oak tree. It wasn’t until I bought my new place that the cherry tree became significant, since I’ve been watching it grow outside my front door, a rebirth kind of thing. Last year was the first year I made enough money to get the tat.”

  “That’s an incredible story.”

  “Yes,” he says and runs his finger along the cherry branch, down his chest, to his waist, stopping at his belt. “Dark is lovely, Divine. Don’t allow darkness to overpower your life like it did to me for so many years. I’ve learned to accept the fact that I can’t control life and death in this world, or if I’m going to Heaven or Hell, and I really don’t give a flying fuck anymore either. I’m a religious man, but I’m not obsessed with it. And if committing certain acts is considered dark and sinister, but those things make me happy, then that darkness is lovely.” he exhales. “I can tell your past overpowers your life. There’s extreme darkness around both of us that we shouldn’t hide from one another. I’ll keep opening up to you if you’ll do the same for me. Whatever’s in your home...”

  A van pulls to the end of the drive and parks. I hear two doors open, a dog bark, the doors close, and someone striding through the lawn toward us.

  “J.D.?” His father calls out from below. “I saw your head poking out when we parked. What are you doing here? Whose truck is that?”

  “You think you could put the ladder back for Divine and me to climb down?”

  He laughs as he raises the ladder and props it against one of the boards.

  “That wood’s going to crumble soon. I wouldn’t trust it to the weight of two adults.” We climb down and Mr. Keller hands Dan his shirt and hat. “And I especially wouldn’t trust that thing to stay together if you were doing what I think you were doing up there.”

  “Nope,” Dan dresses and places a hand on his father’s shoulder. “We was discussin’ God, not fornicatin’.” His response is in a pioneer accent and one I’d expect a character in the western porn novels to use.

  His father releases a robust laugh as we walk toward the house. “Only my son would say such a thing and mean it. I take it you had the conversation about your shattered dreams of becoming a priest.”

  “We did,” Dan says.

  “That’s certainly the place to tell it. The two of you want to stay for a drink? Divine may need a shot of liquor to calm her nerves.”

  I look at my watch. It’s early, but considering the information I need to send to Richard for his meeting with the Board of Trustees, I had better get my ass home and start typing.

  “I think Div has something she needs to do,” Dan says, noticing my time check.

  “Sorry, I have a little work to catch up on tonight, otherwise I’d stay.”

  “I understand,” his father motions toward my truck then winks and pats his son on the back. “Your mother and I will catch up with the two of you soon. Take care.”

  He walks inside and Bridgette shows her face at the door, giving, I think, giving Dan the finger. At least I hope it’s directed toward him and not me. She walks over to the truck and he rolls down the driver’s side window.

  “What?”

  “Did you guys just do it in the backyard?”

  “Not now, Bridgette, go back inside.”

  She leans in the window and looks at me. “Did you know my brother’s entire income is based on lies?”

  He steps out of the truck, takes her by the arm and whispers something in her ear as he walks her back to the house. When he returns he mumbles little sister and annoying, ignoring her waving gesture as we drive away.

  “Sorry. She’s still pissed that I brought her here that night instead of taking her back to the sorority house. Getting plastered I would’ve let slide, but not breaking and entering. She’ll understand one day.”

  “Dan?”

  “Huh?”

  Don’t you dare fucking say it. I know what you’re thinking, I’m the voice in your head, remember? I know everything that goes on inside of you. Don’t do it.

  “You okay? Did I fuck up or scare you with the story of my childhood?”

  “No.”

  Drop it. We don’t need a man taking over our life. Damn it, he’ll change everything. I like him too, but not that much, so back off and bite your tongue. Leave well enough alone. You can fuck him, but don’t let him into your heart.

  “I mean, yes, I’m okay.”

  “You sure? What were you going to say?”

  “I’ll tell you another time.”

  He stares ahead and glides his finger over his lips. Oh, that goes deep to my clit. Nothing’s ever turned me on as much as Dan’s finger touching his own lips. That’s what I need to find online, not a bunch of people fucking to get off from, but a guy running a finger across his lips.

  “Do you want to go up the hill now?” he asks. “To our spot?”

  God yes, and I want him to make love to me, sweet, passionate, lo...

  Knock it off. I told you to get that out of your head. You want him to fuck you; the ‘L’ word is off limits.

  “Ahh, I see.” he says. “Your delayed reaction’s a bad sign.”

  “No, I’m just thinking, that’s all. I’ve got a lot on my mind tonight and...”


  “And?”

  “And the reality is I need to go home and think about something. It’s work related.”

  “Div,” he shakes his head. “I just poured my heart and soul out to you and you can’t even tell me what’s in your head?”

  “I find myself liking you more and more,” I whisper. “That’s what’s in my head.”

  He parks the truck in front of my place and hands me the keys. I didn’t even notice we had made it to our neighborhood.

  “So are you saying it’s a problem that you have feelings for me?”

  “No,” I shake my head and get out of the truck. Dan comes around and walks me to my door, taking my arm so I can’t disappear inside. Vanishing from this man’s life isn’t my intention.

  “Dan.” I press my body against his, but leave room for my hand to rest over his dick. It’s firm, not fully erect but on its way. “I want you inside of me,” I whisper. “I want to look into your eyes the first time you fill me with your flesh and see the desire, the craving, the lust that fills them.” His breathing becomes deep and heavy. “I need you.”

  He puts his lips to mine and my hands beg to feel every inch of his body while my legs demand to be entwined with his.

  “Come home with me, please. I’m not looking for a fuck, I want to make love to you,” he whispers.

  My eyes close and I sigh from the instant gratification I feel from those words. He wants to make love to me. That would be a first.

  Can I put off the email to Richard for a half hour? An hour? Who am I kidding? If I go to Dan’s place I’m not going to get up and leave after we do it. I’d stay. I know myself well enough that I’d stay with him and then we’d do it again if he’s able, and if I did come home in the middle of the night, I’d be too tired to piece together anything coherent at that point. And this is my job we’re talking about.

  “Dan, I have something to do. We have to stop,” He bites at my neck and squeezes my tit. “Believe me, there’s nothing more I want than to be naked in your bed, but I need to do something for my job first.”

  “Can it wait ‘til morning?” He looks at me and I shake my head.