by Devin Madson
My knees buckled and I slumped, resting my head against the wall. There I stayed, listening to every quick breath filling my lungs with life. It had never been my plan to stay in this wretched house, but now I could not leave. Malice was coming and I would need him if Endymion failed. He had always taken women without guilt, neither knowing nor caring what the outcome would be. But his heart had no more space.
Empaths cannot love.
Unless they love one another.
* * *
Endymion was asleep when I made my way back to the servants’ passage. The room stank of sweat and piss and sick, and there he lay, pale, with dark hair stuck to his head, arms hugging his gut. The room had belonged to the old housekeeper once. She had died in it, taken by some ailment of old age. No priests had been passing and the shrine in town had refused to take a body contaminated by the Laroth stench, so Avarice had buried her in the garden.
I left the boy and went on to where the light of a dying lantern welcomed my approach. My hands trembled as they smoothed my robe, fingers shaking like leaves against the linen. It was crinkled and damp, and bits of old parchment caught to the hem. I brushed them off and pressed my palms against my thighs, rubbing my wrist bones up and down my legs. Still my hands shook. A deep breath shivered from my lungs.
The door slid soundlessly. Kimiko lay upon the divan, snuggled into a pile of furs despite the warmth of the night. A fragile bird in a feathered nest, or a wolf cub curled up with the last of its pack. I had lied to myself too long, denial coming so easily to a mind that had rejected itself for five long years; choosing to live in a colourless world without smell, without nuance, where the sleeping woman was nothing but a creature whose even breath made the fur dance.
But she was mine. I held her heart in my hand and I never wanted to let it go.
Kimiko opened her eyes as I sat upon the edge of the divan, running my fingers through her curls. ‘Darius?’
‘Shh,’ I said. ‘I’m here.’
‘I thought you were never coming back.’
A sleepy pout, her eyes gleaming with the same need I knew shone in my own. My body reacted for me, hardening beneath my robe. Her parted lips welcomed mine and I slid in beside her, her naked body already damp with sweat.
And today, like yesterday, I told myself it was the last time.
Chapter 16
Below us the army looked like a swarm of insects. They covered the plain, crimson banners flying, the Ts’ai dragon glinting gold in the sunlight. Beyond the sea of tents the terraces of The Valley rose, the water reflecting crimson as though the rice fields swam in blood.
Kin had not crossed the Zisian bridge. He had marched his army half a day further up river to a summer ford. Renner and his men had waited at the pass. A few scouts rode too close, but theirs were the only sashes added to the pile of death to be dropped at Katashi’s feet.
When no army came, we went our separate ways. Renner took his men west to the ford to pick off stragglers while we travelled north into The Valley, waiting for Kin’s army to come to us.
‘We’ll stop here,’ Shin said, sliding back from the edge of the cliff. ‘There’s some daylight left. Eat and rest.’
The men were a subdued group scattered through the scrub.
‘More nuts and berries?’ Wen asked, slumping onto a rocky patch and resting his head upon his satchel. ‘I’m beginning to feel like a damn squirrel. Maybe there’s something else around here to eat.’
‘No fire,’ Shin said, words he had been forced to repeat over and over. Although the men knew a fire would give away our position they still complained about the lack of one, often sharing their fantasies of hunting different animals to cook over the flames.
The Pikes spread out, some to sleep, others to forage for food. Shin sharpened his knife. Tika remained at the cliff edge watching the army below, and Tili hummed, braiding blades of grass she had pulled from the rocky ground at her feet. I had watched, day after day, as her mind wandered while her fingers worked. The bracelet was getting thick, threads of grass from every stop on our journey woven into it like a fingerprint of our path. One morning she had even shown Wen how to do it and sat laughing at his feigned clumsiness.
‘What are you thinking about?’ I asked, watching her small fingers dance.
Tili looked up, still weaving. ‘What my mama would say if she could see me now, my lady.’
‘And what would she say?’
‘Probably something like “now see here, miss”,’ she said, imitating the bark of a mother’s voice. ‘“You know I didn’t go and raise you up from a babe to throw yourself away just doin’ what you fancy. A good husband’s what a girl needs. You find a nice man and you look after him and give him a dozen children and you won’t want more from the world, may the gods strike me”. She never wanted me to work at the palace, but she washed her hands of me when I refused to marry Old Tamita.’
‘You can give me a dozen children,’ Wen said, rolling over.
Tili laughed at him. ‘No, but thank you.’
‘No? My life is blighted. How about a kiss?’
‘No.’
‘On the cheek. Call it a food finder’s fee and I’ll bring you a good dinner.’
She narrowed her eyes, fingers finally frozen. ‘Promise?’
‘On my honour.’
Dimples peeping, she went to him and he sat up, presenting a cheek thick with growth. Tili bent to press a kiss to it, but he turned, catching her lips with his own. For an instant they stood caught together, before Tili gripped his hair and pulled his head back. ‘On your honour?’ she said with a laugh, her hair tumbling to caress his cheek.
The others laughed. Shin crushed his whetstone in his fist.
‘I promised to bring you food,’ Wen replied, the bump of his throat outlined against the pale sky.
She let him go and he leant forward, stealing a quick kiss. Shin growled and Wen leapt up, ducking away with a broad, boyish grin. ‘I’ve a rebel’s honour. No harm done, Captain.’
Tili laughed with the others, stealing a look at Shin beneath her lashes. Even as a woman she fitted in better than I had as a man, but she had to play their game. She had to smile and tease and be their good luck charm, keeping alive the hope she would one day give them more. There was nothing I wanted less than the attentions of these men, but they would often crowd around her, laughing, smiling, trying to win her favour. I was the one who made them uncomfortable, the one who reminded them of their grievances.
Shin glared at Wen’s retreating back until he disappeared along the ridge. He had promised Tili food and he would bring it, too. He had his own kind of honour.
She sat back down on the stones beside me and pulled out another piece of grass, a small smile hovering on her lips. And every time a Pike came through the trees she would look up just long enough to see it wasn’t Wen.
When he did return the sun was hovering low on the horizon, painting wisps of cloud pink and gold. His reed sandals crunched on the stones as he jogged into camp, his short robe caught up to hold something, exhibiting a tangle of sparse hair around his navel. Lowering his robe before Tili he let a pile of summer blackberries fall into her lap, but it was Shin he spoke to. ‘You had better come and see this, Captain,’ he said, a glance at me quickly turned away.
Asking no questions, Shin sheathed his knife and rose, striding across our small camp in Wen’s wake. The others watched them go, more interested in their food than whatever Wen had discovered, but there had been an edge in his voice.
I scrambled up and followed.
The rocky outcrop Shin had chosen for our camp sat atop a spur. It jutted from the rising mountains, forcing The Valley to continue around it. A few scraggly trees were all the cover it afforded, and sweating beneath the last of the afternoon sun, Wen led us through small tangl
es of bamboo and across jagged black rocks. Around us, The Valley dropped away like a blanket of vivid green in the lengthening shadows.
Wen stopped where the northern edge of the spur sloped away down a crumbling cliff, and pointed down into the bowl of The Valley. There, another sea of men. Otako banners flew above the tents, their twin fish swimming in the bloody waters of Imperial Crimson cloth.
‘Katashi,’ I said sinking onto my stomach, the name more breath than word.
Wen settled himself on the rocks beside me, pulling himself toward the edge. ‘Do you think they know Kin’s battalion is here?’
‘Maybe.’ Shin chewed on his lip, glaring down at the Otako force. ‘Go back to the camp and estimate The Usurper’s numbers.’
‘I thought we already–’
‘Do it again. And send Tika down there with all the information we have. Get orders.’
‘Yes, Captain.’
Wen pushed himself up with a grunt and took off back toward the camp, his footsteps quickly fading into the evening buzz. Beside me Shin stood, brushing dirt from his breeches. With my thoughts already dancing ahead, I made to follow him, but Shin hadn’t moved. He stood barring my way, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. From the rocky slopes the cicadas began their shrill call.
‘What did you tell him?’ he asked.
‘Tell who?’
‘Kin.’
‘How could I have said anything to him?’
That lidless eye mocked. ‘You continue to think me a fool,’ he said. ‘A man like him wears his crown even when it’s not on his head. I know whose arm I sunk my knife into that night near Risian.’
‘You told me to pick a side.’
‘And have you?’
With terrible ease the lies leapt to my lips, but I could not speak them, could not claim a loyalty I did not feel.
‘You told him.’
It wasn’t a question.
‘You told him,’ Shin repeated. ‘You told him we planned to take The Valley. You told him about the ambush at the Zisian Bridge.’ Gripping my shoulders he lowered his face to mine and snarled. ‘You betrayed your own blood. What happened to the cause you once had men die for, Captain Regent?’
‘It’s still the same cause! A ruler to bring peace to Kisia. Is the true emperor the one the empire wants? Or the one the empire needs?’
‘Kin nearly killed us both.’
‘And Katashi didn’t? He sent a man to drown me in my own bath, Shin.’
I tried to break his hold and pull away, but Shin moved quickly. His hand closed around my throat, each strong finger like a bar digging into my flesh. ‘Perhaps he had reason,’ he said, his lidded eye narrowing. ‘I have protected you. I have served you, refusing to accept what everyone else could already see.’
‘And what is that?’
‘You belong to Kin.’
‘I don’t belong to anyone,’ I gasped as his fingers tightened around my throat.
‘You’re an Otako.’ The words were low and fierce. ‘You betray your own blood, and now you would have Katashi die, have us all die for your change of heart?’
I could not speak, could only grip his hand and gasp at shreds of air. He squeezed harder. Then, with an angry bark he let me go, pushing me from him. My neck felt bruised, the sudden release painful.
‘I would have done anything for you,’ he said. ‘Anything for an Otako worthy of the throne. For an heir of Lan’s blood.’
‘Then fight for me!’
A jewelled dragonfly buzzed between us, its wings near invisible in the last of the evening light. I gripped Shin’s arm, his wiry muscle firm beneath the wool of his short robe. ‘Fight for me, Shin. Imagine what we could do together.’
‘And Kin? The gods demand justice.’
‘Justice? No man has done better by Kisia than Kin, even you must see that.’
Shin tore his arm from my hold. ‘No. Katashi–’
‘Katashi doesn’t love Kisia. He only loves himself. Pick a side, Shin. Pick a damn side and make it the right one.’
Shin snorted. ‘My loyalty does not change as fast as yours. My captain wanted you dead. That is what he would want of me.’
‘Then why haven’t you already done it? Go on! You have a knife. You have no guilt, no remorse and I have no ready weapon. Slit the little girl’s throat. Send me to join my murdered family.’
He gritted his teeth. ‘No.’
‘Then let me go.’
The dragonfly buzzed by my ear and was gone, vanishing into the gathering night.
‘No. I should never have brought you with me. It’s time you went back where you belong.’
He snatched my wrist and spun me, pinning my arm to my back. He gripped my other, pain biting through my shoulder.
‘Walk, my lady,’ he said, pushing me forward. ‘We’ll see what Emperor Katashi has to say.’
‘Shin–’
‘Walk!’
I walked, stepping over the jagged stones. My mind flew. If I could break free I could run, but the sun had already disappeared behind the Kuro Mountains, edging their peaks in gold. These slopes were dangerous in the dark.
Shin’s steps fell behind mine and I listened for a pattern, watching his shadow. The tip of his soft catskin shoe brushed my sandal, and knowing I wouldn’t get another chance, I rammed my heel back into his instep. His breath caught in a grunt of pain. His grip loosened. I pulled my hands free to run, but Shin caught me around the waist, lifting me off the ground. He squeezed, crushing breath from my body.
‘Don’t think you can try that on me,’ he snarled, the words muffled by my shoulder. ‘Katashi might have taught you that, but I taught him.’
‘Put me down!’
‘I don’t take orders from traitors.’
I tried to kick, wriggling from his grip, but Shin threw me over his shoulder clamping an arm around my legs.
‘I am not a traitor,’ I shouted, balling my fists and pummelling his back. ‘You aren’t listening to me. Katashi will ruin Kisia. He tried to kill me for refusing to marry him. Kin has honour. He fights for what is right. Swear your allegiance to him and–’
‘Bend on my knee before The Usurper? It is you who are not listening. I gave you my loyalty. I serve the Otakos and I would have served you, my lady, but you lost me when you chose him.’
Bamboo whipped past as he pushed through another thicket. ‘You told me to pick a side,’ I said.
‘And you picked the wrong side. You think Kin only took the throne to protect the empire? Honour and responsibility and duty?’ Shin spat. ‘A man does not climb to the Crimson Throne over the bodies of thousands because of duty. He does it for power. Kin is no different to any other man, and he won’t give you what you want, little girl.’
The murmur of voices heralded the incoming camp. I bucked, trying to squirm from his grip caring nothing for the rocky ground that would meet me. Slamming my fists into his back and twisting, I managed to slip off his shoulder, and Shin threw me into the pile of packs. They barely cushioned my fall and I sat stunned amid the meagre belongings, Wen’s leather satchel between my legs.
Pikes appeared above me, their predatory stares illuminated in the last of the twilight. They crowded around, grins turning lips.
‘Tie her up,’ Shin ordered. ‘Tightly.’
‘What? No! Shin!’
The faces above me looked like strangers in the gloom, a collection of features and lines and shadows without names. Hundreds of hands reached out, grabbing my arms and legs, jeering, laughing. With fists and claws, I lashed out, hunting flesh. It ripped away beneath my fingernails and I screamed as loud as I could, hearing nothing but the ear-splitting sound echoing inside my head.
A stinging slap stunned me into silence, cheek smarting.
>
‘Gag her if you have to!’ Shin, angrier than I had ever heard him, and bent on my destruction.
‘Don’t you dare!’ I cried. ‘I’m an Otako. Shin! You know what will happen if you take me back!’
‘What are you doing?’ Tili broke in upon the furore, her voice high and wild. ‘Don’t hurt her. Let her up! Oh, my lady, are you all right? Let her go!’
‘Keep out of this,’ Shin snapped.
The descending night huddled around the Pikes, leaving only their voices in the darkness. Bright stars winked from above, laughing down from the heavens.
Someone gripped my arms so tight I thought his fingertips would pierce my skin. I tried to pull away, but a cord cut sharply into my wrists. Fighting, I bucked and screamed, the cord gouging deep. With a sword I could have sliced them all open.
A Pike gripped my hair, clamping his hand over my mouth. I bit. Again and again I bit him, tasting the dirt on his fingers and the blood on my lips. Then a wad of cloth was thrust between my teeth, wedging open my jaw.
With arms and legs bound I could barely move. Every muscle was exhausted and my bruised body wanted nothing more than to give up, to sleep. But my mind was on fire. Somewhere beyond the shouting of my own thoughts I could hear Tili. She was yelling. They were trying to calm her. I could hear their low voices, distant, no one game to stay close even with me bound and gagged. I hoped they were all bleeding, that I had kicked them all and gouged out whole eyes. I tried to scream, the sound so muffled it might well have only been in my head.
Then Shin was in front of me, that lidless eye so close I could see nothing else. ‘I’m going to kill Kin.’
A chill ran down my spine. I wanted to spit at him, to hit him, to bring him to his senses. He was my protector. My rock.
