by JA Huss
What a player.
“Anyway, I was hooked from that moment on. He tortured me that whole year at every game we played against Trinity Day by being around, making me notice him, acknowledging that I noticed him, and then promptly ignoring me. And when basketball season was over, I joined track in the spring, just so I could go to those away meets with Trinity. And the next year came, and I was in ninth grade, and I did it again. I joined basketball and track. Only now I’m getting a little better at b-ball, right? I had a year of practices under my belt, plus all that damn running in the spring gave me endurance. So I played a game or two that year. And every time I made a basket, which was not often, but every time that fucking Anthony Fenici would stand up and yell Li Li scores!”
Suddenly she’s crying. Her face is all red as she tries to stop, but can’t. “I’m sorry, Ford.”
I pull my lounge chair over to her and put my arm around her. “It’s OK, Ashleigh. You’re allowed to cry.”
She wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “And he did that all season. And then in the spring, he was at the finish line every time I crossed. I did cross-country that year. But he never talked to me. Not once. He was just there, encouraging me. And that’s not something I got a lot of, ya know? I was not encouraged. My father never came to my games, he had no idea what I was doing in school. But Tony, he was there. He was always there. And the next year, I was in tenth grade and he was a senior. And this is when everything changed. Because he asked me to homecoming at Trinity Day.”
I smile as I picture her getting asked on that date. “Sounds like a perfect start to a perfect relationship.”
“Anthony Fenici is the son of a prominent man. Just like I am the daughter of another, equally prominent man.” She looks over at me with a sad smile. “Our fathers are business rivals.”
“Legal business?” I ask.
She shrugs her shoulders. “Mostly. My father runs an”—she does air quotes—“import-export business. Black-market drugs. Not like cocaine and heroin, more like non-FDA approved treatments. Hormones mostly, for doping, fertility, anti-aging. His business services hospitals in Mexico, Costa Rica, and others.”
“And Tony’s father?”
“Your basic Italian stuff.”
I laugh. “Straight Sicilian mafia?”
“Yeah.”
“So you two were a modern-day Romeo and Juliet?”
“No, he wanted out and I had no intention of ever doing anything remotely related to what my father does. My sister is in the business, she’s an accountant, which comes in handy, I hear. My educational trust came from my mother’s estate. It was not conditional, so I left, picked a major that would never be useful to my father and got on with life.”
“And Tony?”
She smiles up at me. “He joined the Marines. We did go to dances and he always showed up at my games when they were at Trinity Day, but we never dated in high school. Not like most kids do. We knew it was impossible, so instead of dating, we planned our future and talked on the phone and met up every once in a while for sports or a dance. He joined the Marines when I was in eleventh grade thinking he’d get out after two years and join me wherever I was going to school. But…” She looks up at me and tries to force a smile, but fails. “He liked it, Ford. He enjoyed the combat stuff. He told me he felt part of something real, something like a family. Something he never got from his home life. This was something I could relate to. I understood, so I thought the right thing to do was to encourage him. When his two-year Marine contract was up he applied for SEALs, he got in the BUD/S program and the whole time I told myself, he’ll never make it. They never make it. Almost everyone fails. But he didn’t fail, he wasn’t top of his class, but he was not bottom either. It wasn’t easy, he said, but he’d do it again in a heartbeat. And then before I knew it, he was over the hardest parts and that was that. He was in.”
She stops and lets out an I-give-up sigh. “What could I say? Nothing. I had to support him. This was his dream. He put himself through hell to achieve it. What could I do?”
This pause is much longer and I can only assume she’s thinking up all the ways she should’ve discouraged him. Maybe she’d have crushed his dream, but he’d still be alive.
“I was already in Japan by then, and we saw each other when he could make the trip. And two years later here I am. Alone.”
It takes me a few minutes to put all this information together and she pats Kate on the back, waiting patiently to see what I’ll say. “It’s pretty unconventional, Ashleigh. I’m not discounting how you feel about him, but that’s not exactly a dream relationship. When did you do all the fun stuff?”
“I know what you’re trying to say, and I’m not saying I disagree, I’m just telling you I love him and that’s how it happened.”
I nod. “Fair enough. But there’s more to life than that. Ash. There’s more to love than that. Maybe you don’t like me, and that’s cool. If you don’t I’ll totally understand. I’m not for everyone. But if you like me, Ashleigh, then hear me out.”
She closes her eyes as she continues to pat Kate on the back. “I do like you Ford. A lot. But I’m complicated.”
“I’m complicated too, shit. I’m like the King of Complicated.”
She laughs and then opens her eyes and looks at me. Sees me for the first time this morning. “I don’t know, Ford. I’m not sure what I’m doing right now. I’m just drifting. I’m completely unraveled, I’m nothing but slack. Everything about me is frayed at the moment. So, I’m not sure I’m ready for life just yet. I just don’t know. Maybe, Ford.”
All I hear is yes. Yes, Ford. God I love it when she says my name. “I can pull you taut, Ashleigh. Like the poems. I can bring you back together. You are so fucking delicious, Ashleigh. So fucking perfect. I wish I could take this pain away from you, really, I swear I feel your sadness and it makes me crazy. Do I ask for more information and risk the tears? Do I pretend it’s not happening and risk you feeling ignored? Tell me what to do.” The words surprise me as much as they do her and all I can do is shrug. “I don’t understand what you need, Ashleigh. And I feel like it’s my job to provide for you and I don’t know how to do that. If you know what you need, tell me.”
She snuggles her face down into Kate’s neck and I can hear her draw in a long breath, smelling the sweet scent of the baby’s skin. “I just don’t know, Ford. I feel like I’m stumbling along, waiting for something to happen.”
We sit like that for a few silent minutes. My head is spinning with all these revelations that have happened over the last twenty-four hours. Tony, Kate, her family. I reach over and take her hand. “Come here.”
“What?”
I pull on her arm, tugging her harshly. “Now, Ashleigh. Sit in front of me.” She thinks for a moment. “It’s not a request, Ashleigh. I want you here, between my legs. Now.”
Ash stands and then kneels on my lounger. I pull my knees up so I can box her in, and she leans back, her naked body pressing against my chest. Kate’s head is resting on Ash’s shoulder, her eyes trained on me. I smile at her and she gives me gums as her eyes twinkle. I have to hold back the urge to just squeeze her plump little cheeks because I’m trying to be serious.
“If you don’t know what you want, and you won’t tell me specifics, then I’ll tell you what I think you need. You’re mine now, Ashleigh. I’m claiming you. I’m claiming Kate too. If you want to be with me then I call the shots. And I’ve made my first decision.”
Ash turns her head a little to try and look at me but I clamp my knees against her waist and hold her tight so she can’t shift her position. Her whole chest expands and then it’s like she flips a switch and the tension melts away. She relaxes.
But that’s not a yes, so it’s not enough.
“I’d like to fuck you right now. I love that you’re outside naked. I love that you’re holding Kate like this. Oblivious to the world, just existing. Following my orders. I know you’re not submissive, Ashleigh. It’s w
hy I didn’t fuck you until I made up my mind that I liked you. Because I knew we’d have to have this conversation. I’m a control freak. I like to call the shots. Most people don’t like that. Most people want to tell me to fuck off. You’re free to feel that way, you can tell me to fuck off. I’ll still take care of you until you figure out what you want. But if that’s your decision then this potential relationship is over and it won’t go any further.”
Silence.
“Thoughts?”
“Is this about sex or things like what to make for dinner?”
“It’s about what’s good for you.”
“How do you know what’s good for me?”
“I don’t, not yet. I hardly know you. I’m not perfect, I’ll make mistakes. But relationships aren’t something I normally do. I do sex. I do fucking. I do blow jobs, I do bondage, and I keep pets. I keep girls as pets, Ashleigh. I never get their names, I never ask them out on a date. They’re given a time and a place, they meet me or they don’t. If they don’t show up and I feel like fucking, there’s always another girl on the list.”
She blows out a long breath of air. “Holy shit, Ford.”
“I told you, I’m not a nice guy. I’m Fucking Ford. It’s practically a nickname. This is how I operate.”
“So I’m just another one of your pets?”
“Do you think I’d be having this conversation with you if you were just another pet?”
“Then what do you want from me?”
“Wrong question, Ashleigh. The real question is what do you want from me.” She wriggles, trying to turn and see my face. I box her in again and put my arms around her shoulders, but she continues to struggle until Kate begins to get upset. I let Ash go and shake my head. “What are you doing?”
She shushes Kate as she leans in to kiss her cheek, and then turns her whole body so she can watch me properly when she speaks. “I want love.” She stares at me, her dark brown eyes a little bit watery.
I’m probably a total dick for having this conversation after all the shit she’s been through, but I can’t stop myself. I’m a greedy bastard and I need to nail this down or let it go, and I need to do that right the fuck now.
“I want to be loved,” she whispers. “I want to be kissed and I don’t want to have to play a game to get one. I want you to show me—tell me—everyday that you love me. Because I had love. And maybe you don’t approve of the relationship I had with Tony, but your opinion hardly matters. It doesn’t count. It was enough for me to know he was mine. That when he came home, I was the only thing he thought about. He wrote me love letters and poems. And before you fucking shake your head or roll your eyes, Ford, he was a Navy SEAL, he grew up in the mafia, he was as manly as they fucking come.”
“You want me to write you poems?”
“No, I want you to give up a little piece of yourself to make me happy. Just like you’re asking me to give up a little bit of myself to make you happy. It’s a give and take, Ford. You might be someone’s master, but not mine. I like you. You’re almost perfect.”
“But…”
“But… I want to know what your level of commitment is. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I have no use for a boyfriend right now. And I’m not looking for a master, either. I can make my own decisions. I might make mistakes but I’m smart, I learn from them. It’s just that emotions sometimes overwhelm my brain and I do irrational things. Like this trip. But…” She swallows. “This trip is a new way forward for me. One way or another. So it’s not a completely crazy waste. I’m in a new place, I’m a mother, I’m flailing, Ford. I’m standing at some fucking crossroad looking at all these choices, and I have no way to know which one is the best route. They all have risks, but some risks are higher than others.” She looks away for a second, then gives me a sideways glance. “You’re a big risk in my mind. I can’t commit to you without something… something big. Like a grand gesture, Ford. I need a grand gesture.”
“So leaving you alone in a foreign country to have a baby, that’s the grand gesture you’re looking for?”
She hardens at my sarcasm and I’m instantly sorry, but it’s too late—the words hang in the air between us, creating a gulf.
“What part didn’t you hear? He showed up at my games and competitions for an entire year and got absolutely nothing back in return. Not a kiss, not a conversation, nothing. He was patient and concerned and so… so… open. He didn’t care that his whole school heard him encourage me at the basketball games. Or that his friends laughed at him standing there in the rain at the finish line of a cross-country race. He did it anyway. He did it because he only saw me, Ford. He took me to two dances a year because that was as many as we could get away with. He showed me I mattered before he asked me to give up a little bit of myself to make him happy. I gave up my fear of him dying as a soldier so he could pursue his dream. And maybe these things aren’t as fancy as what you have in mind, but I don’t care what you think about it. He made me feel special—we made each other feel special.”
“You want the fairy tale, then?” I shake my head.
“I want to be won, Ford. If you can win me, you can have me. I’ll be yours and you’ll have earned it.”
I stare at her and say nothing.
The grand gesture. Ashleigh wants a Jedi and all I’m capable of giving her is the Sith.
She reads my introspective silence as her answer and gets up and takes Kate back into the bedroom.
Chapter Forty
When I go inside she’s dressed and sitting on the couch with Kate watching something on TV.
“Ashleigh, look, I’m not—”
My phone buzzes in my pants and I take it out and look at the name. Jason.
“Who is it? A pet who needs to be fed and walked?”
I silence the phone and stick it back in my pocket. “Cute.” I sit down next to her. Fuck. I am so bad at this shit. What the hell do I say? I feel like I’m losing her, right now, this very moment. I feel like she’s slipping away and I have no idea what to say.
“Just tell me what you’re thinking. Start there, Ford.”
She’s a mind-reader. She’s a fucking psychologist for fuck’s sake.
“If you can’t do that, then I’m just wasting my time.”
“What the fuck do you want from me? I said I wanted you. How is that not telling you how I feel? I fucking want you to live here, move in. Be with me. Let me help with Kate.”
“In what capacity, Ford? What is Kate to you but some pet’s offspring?”
“That’s enough,” I glare at her. “Don’t talk shit to me because you’re insecure.”
“You’re the one who’s insecure. You want control to suppress your social inadequacy.”
“Fucking don’t do that either. If I wanted a psych evaluation I’d go see a therapist.”
“So I’m supposed to pretend that I didn’t just go to school for six years to get a degree in psychology? Just pretend that I don’t see all the issues you have?”
“Issues I have? Ashleigh, please. If I’m fucked up, then you’re right there with me. We’re both—”
The gate alert buzzes and cuts off my words. “Fucking people are here from the hotel to drop off our shit, I bet.” I get up and go over to the security panel near the door and press the button that opens the front gate. I peek out the window but the driveway is long and we’re at the top of a hill, so I can’t see the gate from the house. “You and I are the same, Miss Li. We both have issues. So don’t push me away with that excuse.”
Ash says nothing and I peek out the window again as a large black Mercedes pulls up. “Who the fuck is that? I’m pretty sure hotel couriers don’t drive an eighty-thousand-dollar Mercedes.”
“What?” Ashleigh jumps up and hurries over to the window just as a tall man in a black suit gets out of the back of the car. He’s older, maybe early fifties, has jet-black hair, and as soon as he turns around I know who he is by the color of his eyes.
“My father is here.” A bl
onde woman gets out after him. “And my fucking sister. Oh, God. Ford, listen to me.” Ash pulls on my arm. “Listen to me, OK? Do not open the door, do not open the door!”
“Why are they just standing there?” I ask as we peek out at them.
And then a cop car comes up the driveway.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“OK, look, I left some things out of my story… Ford!” She grabs my arm again but I’m watching these fucking people talk to the cops, probably about me, in my fucking driveway. The cop nods and then puts his hand on his Taser. Ashleigh is still talking but I don’t hear anything she says because the fucking cops are walking up to my door with Ashleigh’s father and sister looking like they’re in the mood to take my shit out.
The doorbell chimes. They’re looking right at us through the window, even as Ash continues to freak out and tell me all kinds of shit that just never even registers in my brain.
Fuck.
What if they have dirt on me? What if this father of hers found out who I am and has fucking dirt on me? Ronin, I need Ronin. I pull out my phone to call him when the doorbell rings again. Kate begins to cry because Ashleigh is so upset and before I can press Ronin’s face to place the call another call comes in.
Fucking Jason, again.
“Mr. Aston,” the cop says, his muffled voice coming through the closed window. We’re only like three feet away from him. “Mr. Aston, Mr. Li here just needs to have a few words with his daughter. Can we come in?”
And then an ambulance rolls in behind the cops. What the fuck is going on?
“Ford! Are you listening to me?” Ashleigh practically screams it and poor Kate begins to wail.
