by JM Stewart
With a heavy sigh, he turned and carried the place settings to the table. The front door finally clicked closed, and the silence engulfed him, taunting him with the fact he was now alone with her. When she reappeared in the archway, every muscle in his body tensed to the point his shoulders throbbed.
He couldn’t resist glancing at her. She stood frozen again, her hands clasped tightly in front of her, her back a little too stiff. As if she were afraid to let her guard down. Nevertheless, fire smoldered in her eyes again, and the boldness with which she studied him made his heart pound. God, he was in so much trouble. How was he supposed to behave when she looked at him like that?
He turned back to the bag on the counter and reached inside to pull out one of the three remaining containers, pretending nonchalance. “I promise I won’t bite.”
“I didn’t think we’d be seeing each other tonight.” A little too casual, she sidled up beside him and plucked open the carton on the counter with the tips of her long fingernails.
The action caught his attention. He distinctly remembered those nails scraping his back and then digging into his shoulders at the exact moment her body tensed beneath him. Right before she came.
He swallowed. Hard. Drawing on willpower from God only knew where, he concentrated on pulling the other two containers from the bag. It gave his hands something to do besides grabbing her and dragging her against him. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe we have a standing Saturday night date.”
“Date?”
The obvious unspoken question in her tone made him turn to her. A white carton clutched in her left hand, she stared at him, that soft heat flaring in her eyes.
“Yes, date.” He narrowed his eyes and opted for the playful route. The tension ramping up between them drove him crazy. If he didn’t do something to ease it, he’d go insane. “Even friends have dates. Up until a few weeks ago, the term wouldn’t have bothered you.”
She peered into the carton for a moment, as if contemplating something, then pivoted and carried it to the table. “Is that the only reason you came over?”
Although her voice was quiet, her question was a bold one. He’d been here for barely five minutes, and already he’d glimpsed sides of her he didn’t know she had. Bold sides that threw him off course. How did she want him to answer? Then he decided on honesty.
“No. I came because I wanted to see you.” That was the truth at least. He shrugged a shoulder and shot her a grin, hoping to appear calmer than he felt. “Figured if I came with food, you wouldn’t be able to resist me.”
That Chinese was her favorite couldn’t hurt his chances, either.
She stood silent for a moment. “Who says I’d be able to resist you even without the food?”
Her voice drifted across the kitchen soft and shy, more the Ceci he knew, but still a bold side he hadn’t anticipated. His fingers tightened around the carton in his hands. Remembering it contained very red, very sticky sweet and sour sauce, he quickly deposited it onto the counter.
“Care to repeat that?” His heart pounding, he studied her back as she spilled a small pile of chicken lo mien onto her plate.
The answer hit him square between the eyes. She was digging for something, but her natural shyness kept her from saying it outright. The thought immediately sobered him. It was high time to stop playing games and get the truth out of her. He’d go insane before she ever got there. He grabbed two of the remaining cartons, carried them to the table, and dropped into a chair.
“Whatever it is you want to know, Ceci, why don’t you stop beating around the bush and just ask?” He forced himself to concentrate on opening cartons and filling his plate, trying desperately to appear as normal as possible.
She was silent for so long he wondered if she’d ever say anything. When he finally glanced at her, Ceci had moved to the sink. She stared out the window, her back as stiff as steel. As if sensing him watching her, she slowly faced him. The effort the small action took showed in the way her hands fisted at her sides. “I was just curious why you came over. Given everything, I . . . hadn’t expected it.”
He set the carton back on the table and stared at her for a moment. Finally, he had to know. “You want to the God’s honest truth?”
She remained in the same spot, staring back. Uncertainty, fear, even a touch of desire played in her eyes. Finally, she dropped her gaze, seeming preoccupied with pulling open the lid of another carton. “I always want you to be honest with me.”
His heart thumped his rib cage. Well, she asked for it. “I came because I miss you. Frankly, not spending Saturday night with you feels wrong. Not being with you period drives me crazy. It always has. You’ve been a major part of my life since I was ten. When I had the chicken pox, you had them with me. We rubbed calamine lotion on each other, you remember that? The first time I asked a girl out, I told you first. When I graduated from the academy, you were there. Suddenly we treat each other like strangers. I don’t like it any more than you do.”
“How can you come over here acting like nothing’s changed?” She drew her brows together and shook her head. “I don’t understand how you can do that, just . . . shut it off. I’m still struggling with this. It’s why I haven’t called you. I don’t want to be cruel, Kyle. I hate knowing I’m hurting you, but—”
He shook his head. “I’m a big boy. Like you said, I’d rather you be honest with me. We can get through honest. We can’t get through keeping things from each other.”
As the words left his lips, guilt twisted in his gut. He’d meant them as a reassurance, but they left a sour taste in his mouth. He wasn’t telling her everything. At all. And what he kept from her would destroy everything they had. He was a goddamn hypocrite, in so many ways.
“It’s not easy pretending this doesn’t bother me. All I want right now is to hold you. But you asked for space, and I’m determined to give it to you. But neither can I pretend that not spending time with you isn’t killing me. I came because I had to see you. Even if all we do is watch a movie, I had to see you.” Okay, so that was honest. But he was still keeping things from her. “Care to tell me why you’re asking?”
“That’s not what I want, either.” She shook her head. Her voice filled with frustration and confusion. “I know that’s confusing. It’s jumping back and forth again, but it’s the truth. It’s all I can think about.”
“Then what do you want?”
“You.” A fierce blush stole into her cheeks, but she held his gaze. The softness in her eyes matched the tone of her voice. Like it was a vulnerable admission. “I want you.”
“I’m sitting right here.” His heart pounded against his ribs so hard he half expected it to burst through his chest, and only sheer force of will kept him sitting in this chair. She was on the edge of something, he could feel it, and he wanted to know what it was. “What’s stopping you?”
“I don’t know anymore. That’s the problem.” She let out a long, heavy sigh, and her shoulders slumped. “I told Becca. I told her everything. Lord, I couldn’t help myself. It felt so good to tell someone else. You know what she said? ‘Sometimes you just have to take a chance, jump in with both feet.’”
Well, now he knew why his sister had given him those odd looks.
“Becca’s right.” He darted a glance at her as he picked up the carton of the fried pork nuggets.
“What happens when it ends? Where will we be then?” Her voice ended on a harsh whisper, and she turned to stare at the floor. “I don’t know if I could stand seeing you with someone else.”
Ah. Now they were getting to the heart of the matter. Her words lodged in his heart, and the need to touch her, to hold her, became too great to ignore any longer. He stood, closed the distance between them, and lifted her chin with two fingers. “What makes you so sure it will end?”
Her tear-filled eyes searched his. “What makes you so sure it won’t? You’re all I’ve got. Maybe it’s stupid and naive and childish, but . . .” Her voice wobbled. Her l
ower lip trembled. Ceci lowered her voice to a soft, vulnerable whisper. “I can’t lose you.”
“It’s not childish. It’s normal. I get it, sweetheart. I really do.” He stroked his thumb over her trembling chin. God, he wanted to hold her so bad his arms ached, but it had to be her choice. “The very thing you’re afraid of losing is what gives us an advantage.”
She looked up. “Our friendship?”
He nodded, unable to resist stroking his palm down her cheek. “I know I said I wouldn’t push you, and I swear I’m trying not to. The decision is yours, and whatever you decide, I’ll abide by. But I hate not being with you. I’ve spent three years fighting my feelings for you, and I can’t do it anymore. If you want the God’s honest truth, it’s killing me. I think what we could have together would be incredible, and I think it’s worth the risk. I think we’re different. That we were friends first gives us an edge. We’ve been through everything together. I don’t think there’s anything we can’t get through. Including this.”
She rolled her eyes. “You make it sound so easy.”
“I didn’t say it was easy. You far underestimate the power you have over me. You smile at me, and I forget whatever the hell it was I was thinking. Marsha’s been very frustrated with me this week. She keeps telling me to get my head out of the clouds.”
Ceci let out a soft laugh, and he smiled, triumph surging in his chest. At least he was getting somewhere.
“You’re very important to me, too, but the fact is, we’ve already crossed a line. Fate handed me a chance I’ve only dreamed of, and I decided to take it because I think what we could have together is worth the risk.” He paused and leaned his head down beside her ear. “And simply because I can’t forget how right making love to you is.”
When he pulled back, she stared at him in wide-eyed silence. Her cheeks were flushed. Her chest rose and fell at a rapid pace, and her pupils dilated. All of it told him her mind followed his. As if that weren’t torture enough, the tip of her tongue darted out and swept across her lower lip, and her gaze flicked over him. He swallowed a miserable groan. The woman severely tested the limits of the buttons on his jeans and made every muscle in his body ache to feel her against him. He longed for nothing more than to carry her upstairs and love her, long and sweet and slow.
Drawing on patience he didn’t know he had, he released her chin, stepped away from her, and took his seat at the table. “Nobody said you have to decide right now. I’m a patient man. I’ve waited three years to be with you. A little while longer won’t kill me. I guess the question is, would you rather I leave?”
Another metered silence ticked out between them. Ceci stared at him. The way her gaze searched his made his stomach knot. Would she actually voice her thoughts? Or hide again? His decision to come over tonight had been impulsive. Making love to her had done nothing but increase his need to be with her. But he’d promised her space, that he wouldn’t push, yet here he was. It could blow up in his face.
Finally, the stiff set of her shoulders softened, a quiet vulnerability seeping over her. “No. I miss you, too.”
Warmth and a whole lot of giddy bloomed in his chest. It was a tiny step, but one in the right direction.
“Good. It’s a start.” He nodded at the table. “Now sit down and eat. I’m guessing if you got sick that you need it.”
Chapter Ten
Cecelia sucked her lower lip into her mouth, gnashing it between her teeth, and glanced at the opposite end of the sofa. Kyle lay stretched out, his back resting against the arm of the sofa, legs crossed at the ankles and his hands folded over his stomach. The flickering light of the TV provided the only light in the room, illuminating his features. He looked relaxed and comfortable, like he could stay there all night, and entirely too inviting.
Seated cross-legged on the far cushion, she attempted to relax, to let herself get lost in the movie, in enjoying time with him. They hadn’t said much since they came in here a half hour ago. Kyle had stuck the DVD in the player, turned off the overhead light, and stretched out on the sofa. They’d done it a thousand times before. They shared a penchant for horror films, and the darkness provided mood lighting. The movie was creepier when you sat in the dark waiting for the slasher to jump out again.
But she couldn’t concentrate on the movie. She couldn’t even remember what she’d just watched five minutes ago. His presence beside her sent her emotions into a tailspin. He was so close, yet so far away. It hadn’t escaped her notice that he left enough room between him and the back of the sofa for her to slip beside him. Experience told her he’d done it on purpose, and she ached to accept the silent invitation, to stretch out along his length, rest her head on his chest, slip her arm around his waist, and snuggle against his warmth. They’d done it a thousand times. Whenever the scary parts came on, she’d bury her face in his chest, watching the movie with one eye.
It didn’t help that he kept stroking his toes against her thigh. Whether it was an unconscious action or he did it to draw her attention, the sensation did nothing but send little shivers of awareness rippling through her.
She turned back to the television and folded her hands in her lap. She was afraid to touch him. Snuggling with her best friend and watching the movie he’d brought was the last thing on her mind. All night she’d fought the urges screaming through her. Simple little things that elicited memories of making love to him. The way his hand caressed her cheek made her remember its soft heat roving her skin. His hip resting against her as they stood side by side at the kitchen counter brought up the luxurious weight of his body pressing her into the mattress.
If she had to lie along the length of his lean, hard frame right now, she wouldn’t be able to resist him. The worst part was, she couldn’t think of one good reason why she shouldn’t. What would be the harm in exploring this new development? He was right. They’d already crossed the line. There was nowhere to go but forward from here.
The truth was, she couldn’t ignore that. It had been repeating in her head since they’d come in here. She didn’t know anymore what kept her from jumping feetfirst into him. Her emotions had gotten caught up in the memories, in the way her body went haywire when he was in the room with her.
Becca was right. That she could trust Kyle beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they had history, had shared everything for most of their lives, gave their relationship an edge. Making love to him had felt like an extension of the closeness they already shared, and she ached to take Becca’s advice.
Kyle’s gaze shifted, colliding with hers. Several moments passed as he seemed to study her. Finally, the left corner of his mouth lifted. “I’m not going to jump on you, you know.”
Her cheeks heated. He’d caught her staring. “I know. I’m just nervous.”
He quirked a brow. “We’ve done this a thousand times over the years. What’s that different now?”
“Me.” She couldn’t deny it. “I’ve changed. I’ve fallen in love with my best friend, and everything about the way I react to you is different. I see you differently now; my body reacts to you. Right now? I know what I want, Kyle. It’s an intense yearning deep in the pit of my stomach. It’s undeniable, and every time I look at you, it’s there, like a pulsing heartbeat, you know? But I’m afraid to take the chance.”
His expression sobered. For a moment he stared, that intense, piercing gaze of his searching hers, as if he could see right through her. As if he could read her mind. “So, again, what do you want?”
The same question he’d asked her earlier, and the same answer rose as easily now as it had an hour ago. “You.”
For the span of several heartbeats, he stared, his expression impassive, hard to read. Finally, as if having made a decision, he lifted his left arm, extending it in invitation. Longing flickered in the depths of his eyes, calling to the deepest part of her. She wanted to go to him, ached to do so. So what, outside of fear, stopped her? If he wasn’t worth taking a risk on, then who was?
When she didn’
t move, he crooked his finger at her, and her resolve cracked. She shifted, crawled on her hands and knees toward him, and stretched out beside him.
“’Bout time.” His left arm came around her shoulders, tucking her securely against his side.
She laid her head on his chest, but the bliss she expected to find didn’t envelope her. Her body came alive with the press of his against her, From his lean hip to his long, powerful thigh, and each point of contact seared into her. To make matters worse, his heart beat a quick, erratic pace beneath her ear, telling her she wasn’t the only one affected by what might have been a simple embrace six months ago. But that was before she’d fallen in love with him and before she knew the pleasure of making love to him.
She lifted her gaze, needing to see his eyes. As if sensing her watching him, he turned his head, his gaze colliding with hers. For a single endless heartbeat, his stormy eyes, the heat contained within them, seared into her. A shiver raked through her in response, and her attention riveted to his mouth, now a bare inch from hers. So close his soft, warmth breath blew over her lips. She could almost feel his moist lips moving against hers in that way that drove her to the edge of madness.
Her heart hammered, and the question repeated. What stopped her?
Nothing. Nothing but her own fear. The realization washed over her, settling inside of her. She’d lived in fear for most of her life, fear of things she didn’t understand. It was partly why she wanted answers to her past, to those missing seven years and to her parents’ whereabouts. If she let it stop her now, she’d regret it.
She swallowed hard, past the nervous hammering of her pulse in her throat. “Kiss me.”
He cupped her cheek in his palm, his thumb sweeping gently from side to side over her chin. “You sure?”
She let out a quiet laugh and shook her head. “No. But I’ve been sitting here asking myself that very question. What’s really stopping me? I can’t deny I want you. God, just sitting here with you makes me crazy.”
