Like Eve in the garden of Eden, she felt unclean, the shiny placard of her soul tarnished with knowledge she’d never wanted to have and now couldn’t erase.
She’d made Ezra promise not to tell Gideon that she’d covered for him. It would only add another layer of guilt to his already overloaded sense of responsibility. Later, when the situation with Blake was settled, then she’d tell him.
If he was still here.
No. Don’t think about that. One day at a time. One crisis per day. One heartache to rule them all.
Gideon was the gold ring on her quest, but the carousel was moving too fast for her to catch it and hold fast.
“Pick a metaphor, Vaughn,” she muttered to herself. “Actually, don’t. This isn’t about you, so pull your head out and grow up.”
She took a look around, wondering if anyone had heard her. She never felt weird talking to herself when she was on Nash. She often worked her way through problems while talking to him, his swivelling ears and soft grunts like advice from a thoughtful, wise friend.
“You’re losing it,” she told herself. “Get a grip.”
She was meeting Jonathan and Roman shortly for a session with Chaos, and unless she got her act together, she’d never have patience for the old man’s complaints.
Of course, now, thanks to Gideon’s intervention, they knew more about his injuries, and everyone had grown more tolerant of him. He wasn’t mean or angry. He loved his dogs, even Chaos, though you had to watch closely to see it.
Pain and immobility had become a vicious circle, leading to isolation and the anger and depression she’d witnessed at their first meeting. It was encouraging to see how quickly the gentle interactions with Apollo, grooming and walking with him, had improved his outlook.
Thinking of Apollo made her miss Nash more. She wanted, more than anything, to be in the saddle, to let out the reins, ride full out across the foothills until they were deep into the forest, with nothing around them but dense, thick green and muted bird calls.
He wasn’t ready to return to full activity yet. Olivia assured her he’d be fine, but had also suggested that she choose a different horse for her extracurricular riding.
There was no other horse.
How would Gideon manage if he had to move back to the city? He loved riding as much as she did and would never be satisfied with rented horses on groomed paths. Above all else, he needed open space, solitude, freedom.
She lifted her face to the grey sky, letting the mist settle on her skin. The season would change soon, returning to the moody tones of steel and stone that was the Oregon coast’s backdrop for much of the year.
Everything was changing.
If Gideon lost his son, he’d be devastated.
And it would be her fault.
Oh, he’d never blame her outright. He was too kind for that. He knew Jamie never meant to make things worse. But that’s what she did. She leaped, as always, without thinking. She’d pushed him and Blake, so determined to help forge the father-son bond Gideon craved so badly.
She’d meant so well, and now, everything was spinning out of control.
Lana was angry. Blake was afraid. And Gideon was fighting a battle inside himself that had no winner. She saw the torment etched in the lines around his eyes, heard it in his voice, read it in his posture.
He could continue to fight for his boy and maybe damage him in the process or he could let him go peacefully and find a way to live with it. Just as she always chose to barge ahead, heedless of who got hurt, Gideon would go the opposite direction, overthinking and ultimately taking the route that would cause the least pain. For everyone but himself.
He never chose himself.
And that meant he couldn’t choose her, either.
She bent down, picked up a rock, and threw it into the retreating surf, as hard as she could.
Gideon was Blake’s father, not Elliot. Look what the child would be missing out on, if Gideon didn’t fight for him. And one day, there would be a reckoning. Blake would wonder. He’d ask. He’d learn that his father hadn’t wanted him.
Could Gideon live with that?
She knew he couldn’t. Letting Blake go would break his heart. Finding him one day five, ten or twenty years from now and accepting the inevitable blame that would accompany a reunion would destroy him.
She thought of everything Haylee had gone through, reuniting with Sage and then watching Sage negotiate a tentative reconciliation with her adoptive parents.
Family wasn’t easy, no matter how you sliced it. But children didn’t suffer from having too many people who loved them. They suffered from having too few.
She shoved her hands deep into the pockets of her fleece jacket, wishing there was a way to fix things for Gideon.
She kicked hard at a piece of driftwood. The sodden remnant of long-dead tree didn’t move.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
A good day for lovers and seekers. Keep your eyes
and your hearts open.
—Gideon’s horoscope
“What’s going on around here?” Roman demanded as he walked into the barn.
Sadie was at his side, as usual, though her pace had slowed since their last visit. Gideon was surprised to see that Roman had the pup on a leash with him, too.
“We’ve had a little excitement here,” he replied. “Make yourself at home with Apollo. Let me know if you need anything.”
Haylee and Aiden’s baby had been born in the middle of the previous night, a little boy, and in the turmoil, with Olivia still at the hospital with them, Gideon hadn’t realized that Roman was scheduled for today. He’d just finished covering chores for everyone, and the last thing he needed was the old man’s running commentary on what all he was doing wrong.
“I’m not here for the horse,” Roman said crossly. He pointed to Chaos. “I’m here for Jamie. Where is she? She wanted to work with him on the beach today.”
Gideon hadn’t seen Jamie since she’d given him Lana’s message yesterday. He pulled out his cell phone. “I’ll call her for you.”
She picked up immediately. “Gideon?”
“Where are you?” he said. “Roman’s here, looking for you.”
“I’m here, looking for him,” she replied. He could hear gulls calling in the background. “Jonathan was supposed to bring him and the pup out to meet me here.”
He relayed the message to Roman.
The older man gave a disgusted snort. “Jon must have gotten his wires crossed. You’ll have to give us a ride.”
“What, me?” Gideon said. “I’m working.”
Jamie, who’d heard the conversation added, “Please, Gideon. It’ll take too long for me to come back again. Besides, it’s going to start raining soon. You should enjoy the beach while you can.”
He ended the call, glanced around at the stalls, and decided to do it.
* * *
Roman sat uncomfortably in Gideon’s truck, adjusting the position of the seat several times until he finally gave up. The dogs were in the backseat, the puppy curled up next to Sadie and yawning before they left the yard.
“He’s improving then, is he?” Gideon asked, nodding toward the sleepy puppy.
“He’s a different dog,” Roman admitted. “Never thought someone could get him under control. She’s a smart cookie, that Jamie of yours.”
Not mine. He didn’t say the words aloud, but something alerted Roman.
“You’re a stubborn bastard, aren’t you? What’s your problem? You should lock that down while you can, man. Women like her don’t come around every day, you know.”
Gideon gritted his teeth and drove without responding. Roman didn’t know what he was talking about.
“You better have a damn good reason,” the man went on. “She’s something special. She wouldn’t hurt a fly, that girl, but she took your shift on the killing floor, just so you could see your kid. Didn’t know that, did you? Right. That’s because she wouldn’t let anyone tell you. I caught the cook
crying this morning, and she told me. Good woman, that Daphne. Heart of gold. And she loves that girl. Not happy with you though, I’ll tell you that. Got your head pretty far up your ass, from what I can see. Trying to be a good guy to everyone but yourself and you’re hurting her in the process. Unless I’m wrong.”
He paused for breath and looked sharply at Gideon.
Gideon’s head was reeling.
Jamie, in the slaughterhouse? With Charley, the steer she’d named and tamed and treated like a pet?
For him?
“Am I wrong?” Roman demanded.
“Uh . . .” he struggled to catch up. “About what?”
“You being in love with her, you asshole.” He made a guttural sound in the back of his throat and turned back to the passenger window. “Her heart’s on her sleeve, big as life. It’s up to you. And I hope you choose right or there’ll be a whole heap of people ready to rain down holy hell on your head.”
Gideon couldn’t take it any longer. “It’s never been a question of love, damn it. Of course I love her. But love isn’t always enough. What if loving me ends up hurting her? Then what kind of man am I to encourage her? And that’s the only thing that’s going to happen here. You think that’s what I want? Of course not. I’d give anything to be with her. But it’s not that simple. No matter what I choose, someone’s going to get hurt.”
“Asshole,” Roman said again. “She’s better off without you if that’s your attitude.”
Gideon bit his tongue, trying not to let the man’s badgering get to him. His relationship with Jamie was no one else’s business, not Lana’s, not Elliot’s, and certainly not some meddlesome neighbor they barely knew.
But Roman continued making comments, digging and probing until Gideon finally snapped.
“Look. I’m involved in a custody battle. It’s about to get ugly, and I mean for Jamie, not me. Love isn’t always simple, old man. Sometimes the only way to show someone you love them is to walk away.”
Walking away from Jamie would be the hardest thing he’d ever do in his life. But regardless of what happened with his fight for Blake, he couldn’t let Lana use her against him.
“You’re so full of bullshit.” Roman’s eyes narrowed. “Wait. A custody battle? Tell me more.”
And for some reason, fatigue, despair, or being worn down by the man’s crotchety persistence, Gideon found himself telling him everything. How Jamie’s heroism had led to her being unfairly accused of child abuse, how Lana was threatening to use the slanderous rumors to keep her away from Blake, to keep Blake off the ranch, how he might have to move in order to stay near his son, how he couldn’t possibly choose between the two of them and yet he was being forced to do so and it was tearing himself up on the inside, but ultimately a man looked after those who needed him the most. No matter what he’d tried to convince himself, a child abandoned by his father was more vulnerable than a woman abandoned by her lover.
He slid into the gravel parking lot at the beach and slammed on the brake, breathing hard. His knuckles were white where he gripped the steering wheel and he forced himself to unclench them.
“There’s no good outcome here, Byers,” he said. “So will you shut up about it, please?”
“Young people,” Roman said dismissively. “You give up so easily. I’ve got my own experience in the area of slander. Here’s what we’re going to do.”
And he proceeded to give Gideon something he hadn’t felt for weeks.
Hope.
* * *
Jamie saw Gideon’s truck pull up and jogged to the lot to meet them.
She desperately wanted to ask what the meeting with Lana had been about, but not in front of Roman.
So, instead, she bent down and scratched Sadie behind the ears. “How’s our old girl doing?”
“Slower every day,” Roman said. “Like me. Gideon’s going to join us. Hope you don’t mind.”
She looked up sharply. Something was different about the old man. He had a sparkle in his eye, like he was scheming. It was a heck of a lot better than the misery and self-pity that had characterized him so far.
“Fine,” she said. “He can help carry you if you fall down.”
Roman gave a rough bark of laughter.
They found a long, secluded stretch of sand and let the dogs off leash. It was a good place to work on Chaos’s recall. He had a strong play drive, and he loved the water, which made this both an exercise and a reward for him.
While Jamie sent the pup running back and forth, reinforcing every quick response, Gideon got Roman settled on an enormous piece of driftwood that lay, like a beached humpback, on the sand.
“I heard about your PR problems,” Roman said, when she stopped for a break.
“My what?”
“Sorry, James,” Gideon said. “I should have told you first.”
He held out a folded sheet of newsprint from the local paper.
She took the page, scanned it. Her face grew warm, then hot. “I thought Olivia took care of this.”
“Anyone can write an Internet post,” Gideon said. “It’s all lies. Everyone knows it. The woman can’t face the fact that her kids got hurt because she wasn’t paying attention, so she’s blaming you. For what it’s worth, you’ve had lots of people write in on your behalf.”
“That’s worth nothing if Lana catches wind of it.” She looked at him. “She already knows, doesn’t she?”
He nodded.
“I’m so sorry.” She glanced at Roman.
“Don’t worry,” Roman said. “He told me about all that, too.”
“It was a long drive,” Gideon said, the ghost of a smile on his mouth. “He beat it out of me.”
“Bad people are everywhere,” the older man continued.
“I ought to know. I’m a crusty old codger with no friends, and I like it like that. But here’s the thing. When you two trespassed on my land, stole my dog, broke into my house—yes, I know about that, girl—forced me to work in your stables and keep this useless dog, you forced me to start living again, out of sheer self-defense. You just wouldn’t leave me alone. Now I have this irrational sense of obligation to you. I’m pissed that this woman is spreading lies about you, Jamie. I’m pissed that Gideon’s ex is giving him grief. I don’t have energy to be this annoyed, so for my own peace of mind, I’m going to help you out. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve.”
She sent Gideon a skeptical look. “Did he fall on his head? What’s he talking about?”
“I was a film agent for many years,” Roman said, “but before that, I was an attorney. So I’m going to write a few letters and you’re going to let me. It’s the least you can do, for all the trouble you’ve caused me. Now go take this brat for another run before we head back to the ranch.” He held out Chaos’s leash and nudged her toward Gideon. “Also, you two have been mooning at each other long enough and I’m royally pissed that nothing’s come of it. It’s time you had a fucking conversation. Or just a good—”
“Got it,” Gideon said, putting his hand up.
Jamie bit back the urge to laugh.
“At least kiss her, then.” Roman shook his head like they were beyond help. “Put me out of my misery.”
* * *
Gideon shaded his eyes with his hand, searching for the best place for them to let Chaos off leash, where they’d be least likely to be interrupted.
Despite the overcast day, the beach had begun to fill up with people, families with children and dogs and sand toys. No one wanted to waste a day near the water. Once autumn arrived, these days would become few and far between.
“I had no idea he was a lawyer.” Jamie kept her free hand stuffed deeply in her pocket. “Makes sense, though. But I thought you didn’t want to involve lawyers with Lana.”
She should be furious, but she wasn’t upset on her own behalf. Instead, her immediate concern was how it would affect his battle with Lana.
“She went there first. Dragging you into it was the wrong move. Hell i
f I’m going to back down now.” He kicked a strand of dried bull kelp out of their path. “You helped Ezra in the slaughterhouse. Why?”
Jamie stopped, turned to look at him. Her face was pale, her eyes a perfect match to the roiling sea being her. “Would you have gone if you knew there was no one else to cover?”
“Of course not! Jamie, you don’t even eat meat. I can’t imagine what that did to you, doing what you did in there.”
“I’ve done worse.”
He saw her throat move as she swallowed, and that tiny movement shifted something inside him.
“You did it for me.” He took her hand, nearly overcome. “Thank you.”
Her eyes shone with tears. “Is Roman right, Gideon? I mean, nothing’s changed with me. I love you. I think I always have. I can’t help myself. But if you don’t feel the same about me, tell me and I’m gone. You’ve been at the ranch longer than me, and it means more to you. And it’s a good place for Blake. You’ll have help building your relationship with him.”
“Jamie,” he began.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll find a new job, new place to live. It’ll be a fresh start. Isn’t that everyone’s fantasy, after all? A do-over? I’ve been feeling restless anyway. And now that Nash—” Tears were flowing down her cheeks now and dripping off her chin.
The puppy was jumping up against the leash, excited by an overly confident gull. He stooped down and unclipped him, then took Jamie into his arms, bent his head, and pressed his lips to hers. “Nash is fine. You talk too much, has anyone ever mentioned that?”
She had her hands on either side of his head, holding him to her as if he was the substance keeping her alive. “Gideon,” she whispered in a broken voice.
“Stop. Look at my face.” She pulled back slightly, her eyes roaming over his features. “This is the face of a man too stupid to recognize what’s been in front of him all along. Of course I love you, James.”
Driftwood Creek Page 25
