“He doesn’t.”
“Actually, I do,” Nootaw finally answered. “I’m scheduled to patrol the upper west border with Angelo.”
“I’ll ask one of the oldest recruits to go with him.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know, but I want to. I’ve done the same thing for every pack member who found their mates, so I’m not doing you any favors, don’t worry.” Kameron smiled at Nootaw. “Now grab Merle and get out of here. I suggest a lonely spot in the woods or the room Merle will live in if you want to avoid people. We still don’t know how they’ll react to the two of you together, so you probably should clear things between you before coming out.”
Merle snorted. “You know the pack will know by tonight. Mom will probably already be on the phone with her friends, bemoaning my choices in life.”
“Go give her something to talk about, then.”
Merle nodded and went to leave the kitchen. He paused at the door. “Which room can I have?”
“Whichever you want. You know where the keys are.”
Merle waved and left. Nootaw followed him silently as Merle went to the box that hung in the hallway and opened it. There were two rows of keys hanging in it, and only one key was missing from its hook—Jago’s. Merle considered whether he wanted his room to face the front yard or the back one and chose a key to a back yard room. He closed the box and went to what was now his room, pocketing the key since the door would be open right now.
“Is it okay if we stay here or would you rather go into the woods?” he asked Nootaw as he opened the door.
“It’s the same for me. Maybe you’d feel safer if we stayed here. You’ll know Kameron is close.”
Merle frowned and waved Nootaw inside. “Safer?”
“You know. From me.”
Merle rolled his eyes. “I’m not scared of you. I already told you that.”
Nootaw shook his head. “And I don’t understand it.”
“Yeah, well, no one says you have to. It’s how I feel. There’s little you can do about it.”
Merle looked around. The room was plain but comfy—cream-colored walls, a queen-sized bed against the wall on Merle’s left, a window with white curtains in front of him, a dresser, a bookcase, and a door he knew opened to a closet. There was a TV on the dresser and two nightstands next to the bed. It wasn’t made, and Merle hoped he’d remember to bring his sheets, although he was pretty sure he’d be able to find some if he needed them.
When he opened the closet, he found a set of sheets and some towels, as well as some spare clothing. He took the clothes out and put them on the dresser so that he could move them to another room later.
Nootaw was still standing close to the door, hovering like he didn’t know what to do, so Merle took the sheets from the closet and handed them to him. Nootaw looked at them, his eyes wide, and Merle laughed. “I’m sure you know how to make a bed.”
“If course I do.”
“Then you can help me.”
It took the two of them almost no time to put the sheets on, and once they were done, Merle sat on it, his feet bare and his legs tucked under him. He needed a shower and he needed clean clothes, but it could wait, even though he wasn’t sure his pajamas were the right outfit to seduce a somewhat reluctant mate.
“Come on, sit down. We need to talk.”
* * * *
Nootaw obeyed. He didn’t even know why, since Merle wasn’t his alpha, but he did.
He sat next to Merle, feeling stiff and out of place, ignoring how Merle was still in his pajamas and still smelled of the woods on top of his own scent, with a hint of Nootaw’s. The mix was highly addictive, and Nootaw found himself making plans for how he’d be able to replicate it.
“So,” Merle said after a while. “We need to actually speak to have this talk, you know.”
“Of course.”
Merle chuckled. “You’re not going to make it easy for me, are you?”
“I don’t think anything in my life has ever been easy, so it would make sense.”
“I’m sorry.”
“About what?”
“Your life not being easy.”
Nootaw shrugged. “Not your fault.”
“Right.” They were silent again, but while Nootaw didn’t really care, Merle obviously did. “Ready for that talk?”
“I’m waiting for you to start,” Nootaw told him.
“Oh, okay. Well, I guess it’s the same. So, I know you don’t actually recognize me as your mate, but do you feel anything at all?”
“I feel a kind of pull, like I need to be close to you even if I don’t want to.”
Merle’s expression shifted to hurt and Nootaw thought about his words. “I didn’t mean I don’t want to be close to you.”
“Yeah? Because that’s what it sounded like.”
“I’m sorry. What I mean is that I want to be with you even though I know I should be somewhere else, like now. It makes me feel guilty, but I’m also happy, so it’s confusing.”
“But isn’t it like any time you wanted to be with someone? Wasn’t it like this with your other lovers? Not that I’m saying you and I are going to become lovers, although I can’t deny that’s what I want, but, you know. I’m curious.”
“I’ve never had lovers, at least not the way you think about it?”
Merle made a strangled sound. “You’re a virgin?”
“No. I’ve had sex, although not often.”
“So you did have lovers.”
Nootaw shook his head. “The tribe, and wendigoes in general, live much like animals. Our objective in life is to thrive, and that requires more members. We don’t have sex for love, or even for pleasure, at least not most of the time. We have it to reproduce. I’m still young in shifter years, so I wasn’t allowed to reproduce until right before Chogan got me out of the tribe.”
“Wait,” Merle said, his hand coming to rest on Nootaw’s thigh. “Reproduce? That means you had sex with a woman?”
“Yes. Homosexual sex is not acceptable, because it won’t produce anything.”
“Right. Does that also mean you have children?”
Nootaw briefly closed his eyes. “I don’t know. The first woman I had sex with didn’t get pregnant, but I’m not sure about the second one. There wasn’t enough time, and she refused to come with me and Chogan.”
“Can I ask why you didn’t stay?” Merle voice wasn’t accusing, but it still felt like he was saying Nootaw had abandoned his child. Nootaw knew that was true—if Nepi had been pregnant then, their child was already into this world now, and Nootaw had left him or her there. It was the only thing he regretted.
“Would you have wanted to continue living like that?”
“No, but...”
“But you would have stayed, because of the child.”
“Well, it’s not like you’re even sure there is one. And really, I get it, because what if there wasn’t? You would have lost the possibility to be with your brother and have a new life.”
“And my mother.”
Merle frowned. “Your mother?”
“She lives in Whitedell with Chogan.”
“Oh, that’s good. What about your father?”
“I don’t know who he is.”
“Right. The only to reproduce thing.”
“Yes. Males don’t stay around waiting to know if they’ll become fathers. We don’t really care about who a child’s father is, unless the father is flawed. That’s what happened to Chogan. It’s the reason why our mother and he were put to the side.”
“Do you know if there’s a way to find your tribe and check if you have a child?”
Nootaw shook his head. “Dominic had them move away.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
Merle moved his hand from Nootaw’s thigh to his hand and squeezed it.
Nootaw wasn’t used to physical contact, not when it w
asn’t to fight or train. The only people who willingly touched him with affection were his mother and his brother, but it was different. Theirs was another kind of touch, and it didn’t leave Nootaw feeling flustered and just plain weird.
“What are we doing?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
Nootaw raised their clasped hands. “With this. What does it mean?”
“It means that I’m trying to comfort you.”
“I know that. But I also know there’s more to it.”
“You’re my mate. It means I want a future with you.”
“Just because of that? How can you let something so random choose your future?” Nootaw had asked himself that question many times. He knew Chogan was happy with Jared, and all the mated couples he’d met, whether in Whitedell or Gillham, were happy. He still didn’t understand how they could trust something they had no control over so much that they were willing to put their entire lives in it.
“I know it’s hard to understand, but it’s something we grow up with. Knowing there’s someone out there who’s the perfect match for you, well, it’s nice. It helped me a lot when I was in the lab, actually. I used to imagine what you would look like, things like that. It helped keep me distracted.” Merle’s cheeks were a light pink, and Nootaw found it adorable, which wasn’t something he usually thought of anyone.
“So what do you want from me?”
“Long term?” Merle looked away, as if he didn’t want to look at Nootaw while he talked. “I’d like for us to be mated, to live together here in pack territory. I want to be able to call you my mate, and for people to know we’re mated. We’re forever. I want you to want that as much as I do.”
Nootaw’s mind spun. Everything Merle was saying resonated in him. It made him long for the picture Merle was painting, but he wasn’t sure he deserved it. “Is mating with me worth losing your mother? Your family? Your friends?”
“It is.”
“How can you say that?”
Merle took his time before answering. “I love my mom, and my father. I even love my brother, even though he’s an annoying brat. And I love my friends. But this is the moment I have to start living for me, not for everyone else’s expectations. I know if my mother could have it her way, she’d marry me off to a woman so we could give her lots of grandchildren. She accepted me being gay when I told her, but I know she’s not overly pleased with it. Not that she’s said it, but I’m not blind.”
Merle looked at Nootaw and smiled. It made Nootaw want to lean forward and kiss Merle. It wasn’t something he’d ever done, and that he wanted it surprised him, but he wasn’t sure he had the willpower to deny it to himself.
“I’ve seen how some pack members reacted to gay mated couples. There will always be someone who’s not okay with it, whether because we’re both men, or because you’re a wendigo, or even because you’re not white. I don’t care. As much as I love my people, I won’t sacrifice my happiness to their beliefs.”
“But how can you know I’ll actually be able to bring you happiness?” Nootaw could feel Merle’s arguments working on his stubbornness. He wanted what Merle was talking about, wanted someone who would be by his side no matter what, no matter how ugly the people around them might become.
“I don’t, but does anyone really know when they start going out, or when they get married?”
“No, but they can get a divorce. We won’t be able to if we mate.”
“But we have an advantage most people don’t have.”
“The feelings.”
Merle nodded. “Yes. We’ll be able to feel if one of us is upset, if something’s wrong. I’m not saying it will solve every problem, or that it means we won’t have to work for it, but I know it will help, if we’re both willing to do our best.”
Nootaw sighed. “I’m not sure my best is enough.”
“Why don’t you let me the judge of that? I can’t force you into mating, but I also don’t want you to try to convince me I don’t know what I’m doing. I know what you did in the past, but I’m not going to throw you away.”
It was so very appealing. Could Nootaw really be happy? Could he really have a man who loved him, someone to come home to at night, someone to sleep next to for the rest of his life?”
* * * *
Merle kept his eyes on Nootaw and waited for his answer. From the way Nootaw behaved, Merle was pretty sure his answer would at least be a maybe, but he still felt unsure.
He nibbled at his lower lip as he waited, and when Nootaw finally looked at him again, his heartbeat accelerated. He stopped biting his lip and waited for his mate to talk.
“I’m scared one day you’ll realize what I am and that I’ll lose you,” Nootaw confessed, his cheeks pinking lightly.
“I think I already know what you are, Nootaw.”
“I’m not so sure of that.”
Merle squeezed Nootaw’s hand. “You’re a wendigo shifter. You’re an enforcer. You’re nice, and regretful of the things you did in the past. You have enough right in you that you don’t want to repeat them again, and that you’ve worked on that ever since you became free. I’m sure you’re a lot of other things, bad and good, but it doesn’t matter. Fate thought you were the right man for me, and from the little I know about you, I agree.”
Nootaw looked at Merle as if trying to read his face. “I hope you mean all this.”
“I do.”
“Then... yes.”
Merle’s heart stuttered. “Yes?”
“I want to be with you. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before, want things I’d never thought I could have.” The color on Nootaw’s cheeks darkened. “I don’t want to renounce that just because I’m scared.”
Merle swallow. “So, will you go out with me?”
Nootaw laughed. “I think I heard this phrase in some of the stupid movies my brother made me watch when I lived with him.”
Merle grinned. “Right, no high school drama. Are we a couple?”
“I guess we are.”
“That means I can kiss you, right?”
“Only if you spare my nose this time.”
Merle laughed. Nootaw looked amazingly more relaxed than before, and Merle almost couldn’t believe it was only thanks to their chat. He turned to the side so he could face Nootaw and leaned forward. Nootaw didn’t move, looking like he had no idea what to do, and Merle smiled at him just before their lips met.
Knowing what he now knew of Nootaw, Merle was pretty sure this was his first kiss, and it made him feel incredibly smug. Nootaw stayed still, not moving even his lips, and Merle kept things slow. He pressed small kisses on his mate’s lips, on the corners of his mouth, even one on his nose.
When Merle felt Nootaw finally relax, he slowly licked Nootaw’s lower lip, then the upper one. Nootaw reacted on instinct and opened up, just a little bit. Merle didn’t push inside, though. He continued licking and kissing until Nootaw’s tongue finally came out to play.
Nootaw opened his mouth wider and Merle coaxed his mate’s tongue into his mouth. Nootaw had gotten the hang of it now, and he was enthusiastically licking Merle’s tongue, his teeth, the roof of his mouth. Merle let him explore, his heart feeling so full he thought it might explode.
They were only kissing, had just decided to be a couple, yet it felt like Merle’s life was already different. He hadn’t been intimate with anyone ever since he’d come back from the lab, even though he’d known he could, with Erskine gone. But Merle had felt so broken then he hadn’t even thought about having that kind of relationship with anyone.
Even before, when he’d had someone, it had never been in the open. It would’ve meant shunning, or even death. Merle didn’t know how to behave with Nootaw, because he’d never had something this true, this pure, but he damn well intended to find out and to be the best mate any man had ever had.
When they finally stopped kissing, it took only one look at Nootaw for Merle to want to
start again. His lips were shiny and reddened and his pupils were blown. He looked good, and Merle wondered how he might look in bed, preferably after an orgasm. It was so very tempting to just push Nootaw on his back and climb him, but Merle knew they had to wait.
“We need to go get my stuff.”
Nootaw cocked his head. “I thought we had until tonight?”
Merle looked at Nootaw’s watch and wasn’t surprised to see they’d be making out for close to an hour. “Yeah, well, that was before I decided to move out. I want to be able to pack my stuff and maybe even move it here before Mom comes back from work.”
“I’ll help you.”
Merle smiled. “Of course you will.”
They left the room half an hour later, after kissing some more—Merle just couldn’t resist. Zach arched a brow at the sight of them, but he surrendered his car keys without questions. Merle drove them to his house, praying his mom wouldn’t have taken a day off. He tried to convince himself that if she had, she’d probably be at one of her friends’ house, talking about how sick Merle was and what a scandal it was that Kameron wasn’t doing anything to help. Merle loved his mom, but even he knew she was a bit of a complainer.
He opened the front door and called out, “Anyone home?”
Silence met him and he relaxed. He looked at Nootaw, who was hovering behind him, and gestured him inside. “Let’s go. I have a few gym bags to put things in, and I think I can find some empty boxes in the attic.”
They climbed the stairs and Merle opened the door to his room. He took the gym bags out from under the bed and put them on it, then opened his closet. “There. Can you start putting my clothes away? I’ll be right back.”
Nootaw nodded and Merle paused to kiss him before climbing the ladder to the attic. It was the only place his mother didn’t clean on a regular basis, and he sneezed as soon as he stepped in. “Jeesh. I wonder how many times I’ll sneeze before I can go downstairs.”
Merle pushed aside a few boxes full of Christmas ornaments and sneezed twice more before he could find the empty boxes. They were still flat, so he didn’t have problems grabbing a few of them. He walked back to the ladder and started to drop them down, but a shout startled him.
Merle Page 5
