Self-protecting lies that had shielded him from facing the love for Emmie that had silently, steadily, stealthily grown in his heart. He loved her. Truly loved her. It wasn’t just a concept but an actual feeling. A state of being. It spread through his chest like something that had finally been set free after a long imprisonment. Free of its restraints, it had planted a seed of hope in the soil of his soul. All he needed now was the sunlight of Emmie. For wasn’t she the light in his darkness? Without her, he would wither and fail to thrive. Sure, he could still have an all right life, but it wouldn’t be the blossoming, blooming, blissful life he wanted unless she shared it with him.
He could deal with the loss of his family’s estate. Lots of people lost their beloved homes, Emmie included. She’d spoken of her childhood home in Devon with great fondness, sold in order for her parents to move the family closer to London. He would learn to speak of his family’s estate in the same way and put his regrets to one side. A property was not as important as a person and the only person important to him was Emmie.
But then a doubt raised its head in his brain... Emmie hadn’t expressed her feelings for him. She hadn’t confessed to loving him. Would he be showing more vulnerability than he had ever shown before by repeating his proposal, by telling her how much he loved her?
But vulnerability was a strength, not a weakness—or so Emmie said. It was a feeling like any other feeling. He could talk about it but it was important for him to feel it. To embrace it with courage.
* * *
Emmie had a long session with a new client who had a particular request for finding a partner. Harriet McIntosh was a young woman of twenty-nine who had been adopted at the age of two months old. ‘I’d really like to meet a man who is also an adoptee,’ she said. ‘It would be great to have that in common.’
‘So...your adoption worked out well?’ Emmie asked.
Harriet beamed. ‘Brilliantly. I got lucky in the adoption family lottery. My parents couldn’t love me more than if they had physically given birth to me.’
‘Have you met your biological parents?’
‘Only my mother,’ Harriet said. ‘She was a homeless girl of fifteen when she had me. She left me on a community health centre doorstep with a note attached to my blanket, but the authorities were able to find her through DNA matching later on. She wanted the best for me but knew she couldn’t provide it herself. It was a huge sacrifice on her part. I am forever grateful that she loved me enough to do that.’
Emmie had spoken to a few adopted people, some of whom still carried deep sadness about being relinquished, but it was so refreshing...so positive and uplifting...to hear of someone like Harriet who couldn’t be happier about being adopted. It made Emmie start to wonder if she was too adamantly opposed to adoption as an option. But what if she adopted a child and then got sick again? She would be setting up innocent children for hurt and sadness they didn’t deserve.
But you might not get cancer again. Many people go on to live full and healthy lives after cancer.
It was as if two sides of her brain were in deep debate. Could she be the sort of adoptive mother Harriet had been blessed with? Could she embrace the role of parenting without sharing DNA? She loved children. It was hard not to love a child and didn’t every child deserve a loving home? The doubts inside her head were less strident, the positives more insistent.
You can be a loving adoptive mother, like Harriet’s mother—the sort of mother who cherishes the children in her care. Who loves them as her own, protecting them, shielding them, treasuring them.
Emmie could do that with Matteo...except he didn’t love her. And surely the happiest environment for a child would be one in which both parents loved each other? Families came in all shapes and sizes these days. She had made the mistake of thinking there was only one way to be a mother and, because it had been taken away from her, she had ruled out ever doing it any other way.
But there was another way, a wonderful way, to be a mother. Harriet was living proof of it, speaking so lovingly of her adoptive parents.
‘I’m so glad you had such a wonderful experience,’ Emmie said. ‘I think I have someone on my books who is perhaps a little less happy about his adopted family, but maybe meeting you will help him reframe how he sees them.’
‘Oh, great. I can’t wait to meet him.’ Harriet waited a beat before adding, ‘Do you believe in love at first sight? I mean, my parents fell in love with me from the moment they met me. Do you think it’s possible in a romantic context too?’
Emmie smiled. ‘Yes, I really do.’
After all, she had lived experience of it.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
HARRIET HAD ONLY just left Emmie’s office when Paisley poked her head round the door. ‘Your father is here.’
Emmie rapid-blinked. ‘My father?’ Disappointment trickled through her. It was silly of her to have hoped it might be Matteo instead.
Paisley nodded and added sotto voce, ‘Maybe he wants you to help him find a partner.’
‘He needs no help from me,’ Emmie said sourly. ‘He’s had numerous since Mum.’
‘Will I send him in?’
‘Yes. But tell him I only have five minutes.’
Emmie stayed behind her desk when her father came in. She couldn’t remember the last time they had hugged or shown any affection. It wasn’t how their relationship worked these days. Gone were the days of hugs and kisses and playful tickles and words of affection. Her cancer diagnosis had changed her father overnight as well as her.
‘Dad, what brings you to my neck of the woods?’
He gave her a sheepish look and placed a hand on the back of the chair on which Matteo had once sat. ‘Do you mind if I take a seat?’
‘Go ahead.’ She leaned her elbows on the desk and steepled her fingers together. ‘So, have you visited Natty yet, or has that been a little too uncomfortable for you?’
A dull flush appeared like two flags high on his cheekbones. ‘Actually, I was there yesterday and again today.’ His throat moved up and down and he continued, ‘She seems to be getting a little better.’
‘Yes, but it’s too early to hope it’s permanent.’
‘Not much in life is...’
‘Parental love is supposed to be,’ Emmie tossed back with a speaking look.
Her father seemed to slump in the chair as if an invisible weight he was carrying had suddenly become too heavy. ‘You think I don’t love you and Natty?’ His mouth twisted. ‘I think the problem has been I loved you too much. That’s why the prospect of losing you hit me so hard.’
‘Your timing is way off.’
His mouth twisted again. ‘Yeah, I know this is eight years too late, but I still need to get this off my chest.’
‘So you can feel better about yourself?’
‘So we can be a family again.’
Emmie pushed back her chair and stood with her arms crossed across her middle, glaring at him. ‘Are you for real? How can we be a family again when you and Mum can’t be in the same room as each other without it turning into World War Three?’
‘Your mum and I have been talking over the last couple of weeks and—’
‘What?’ Emmie stared at him in shock. ‘Over the phone? In person?’
‘Both.’
‘And?’
He took a deep breath and released it in a stuttering stream. ‘I told her some stuff I should have told her when we first met. Important stuff about my childhood.’
‘You said you had a happy childhood.’
‘It was mostly happy.’ He swallowed again and scrubbed at his face with his hand. ‘My parents, your grandparents, were busy running a business together but they did their best to be there for me when they could. I was close to my grandmother because she took care of me most of the time. She was everything a grandmother should be. That’s why I gave you he
r writing desk. She was a very special person to me. But one day she became ill and was rushed to hospital, and I went with her in the ambulance.’
He blinked back tears and continued, ‘I was with her when she died. I was nine years old. I’ve hated hospitals ever since. I missed her so much. Life was never the same without her. I had to go to boarding school after that, but that’s another story.’
Emmie stared at her father as if seeing him for the first time. Seeing the frightened little boy behind the distant and overly critical father he had become. The loving little boy who had lost the person he loved most in the world. ‘Oh, Dad, I wish I’d known...’
‘It was terrifying when you got diagnosed with cancer. I could see it all playing out again in my mind. I’d be sitting there one day holding your hand, just like I held Gran’s, and then you’d be gone...’ He lowered his head into his hands and gave a muffled sob. ‘And then there’s Natty...’
Emmie came over to him and knelt beside his chair, taking one of his hands in hers. ‘But I’m still here and Natty is getting the best help possible. We have to keep hoping she’ll make it.’
He raised his bloodshot gaze to hers. ‘Can you forgive me for not being there when you needed me? For not keeping us all together? I’m doing all I can to make it up to your mother. She’s been marvellous about it. But then, she always was the most amazing person, which was why I married her in the first place.’
‘Of course I can forgive you, but why hasn’t Mum said anything to me?’ It was hard not to feel a little miffed her mother hadn’t given her the heads up.
‘We’re taking it a day at a time, that’s why.’
‘You mean...you’re seeing each other?’
Her father gave a wobbly smile. ‘I can highly recommend falling in love with the same person twice. I’ve made some terrible mistakes in my time but the best thing I ever did was fall in love with your mum. And this time, I am not ashamed to tell her every day how much she means to me.’
‘But what brought you to this point? I mean, something or someone must have helped you see...’
‘I took a good hard look at myself about a month ago. I didn’t like what I saw. I’m not sure what triggered it—maybe Natty’s relapse. I knew I had to face my demons before they destroyed me.’
‘Dad...’ Emmie reached for him in a hug at the same time he reached for her. ‘I’m glad you’re back. I missed you.’
‘I missed you too, sweetie.’
* * *
It took Emmie a good half-hour to repair her make-up after her father left. She no sooner put on more mascara when she would start crying again. Bittersweet tears for the lost years and the lost opportunities. But she was hopeful her father was on the right track now, learning to embrace vulnerability and show the love he felt but had denied for so long. Emmie glanced at her reflection in the mirror and dabbed at a speck of smeared mascara below her left eye. Maybe she had to do the same thing—stop denying her feelings and embrace them instead.
Paisley tapped on the door and poked her head round again. ‘You have another visitor.’
‘Let me guess. My mum?’ She might as well give up on her make-up repairs.
Paisley’s eyes sparkled like twirling tinsel. ‘It’s him.’
Emmie’s heart almost leapt out of her chest and landed on her desk. She pushed herself out of her chair on unsteady legs. ‘Okay...’ She didn’t dare harbour any fledging hopes that this visit was anything but a client visit. Not that Matteo had contacted any of the women she had selected as potential partners. She had tried not to read too much into his reluctance to engage with any of the women. She had tried not to think that he might well have found his own potential partner since they had ended their fling. It had happened to other clients of hers. A chance meeting had turned into something else. Had Matteo’s problem been solved? Had he found someone who could give him the thing he most wanted?
Matteo came striding in and Emmie had to stop herself running to him and throwing herself in his arms. Her body reacted to his presence the way it always did—flickers of awareness racing across her skin, her heartbeat accelerating, her pulse racing. She hadn’t seen him in a month and it looked as if time hadn’t been all that kind to him. He looked as though he had lost weight and his eyes had dark circles beneath them, as if he hadn’t been sleeping well. Not that she could talk. It wasn’t only smeared mascara that had left panda circles around her eyes.
‘Emmie.’
His voice was a caress that sent a frisson through her body. Em-meee. Oh, how she had missed the sound of his voice! How she had missed seeing him in the flesh.
‘Hello.’ Emmie adopted her best business-like tone. ‘You haven’t contacted any of the women I selected for you.’
He came over to her and took her hands in his. ‘That’s because I only want one woman and that is you.’
Emmie stared up at him, not daring to take another breath in case she was getting ahead of herself. ‘But I can’t give you a child. And you don’t love me.’
His hands gently squeezed hers, his eyes soft with tenderness. ‘I do love you. I’m ashamed to admit it took me this long to realise it. You have taught me so much about myself, about identifying my feelings, helping me talk about them. But the one step I missed was allowing myself to actually feel them. But I know what I feel for you is the real deal.’
He drew her closer to his body. ‘I know we can be happy together. We can’t have the perfect family you dreamed of but we can be together. And that’s all I want.’
Emmie flung her arms around his waist, squeezing him so tightly he gasped. ‘Oh, Matteo, I can’t believe you’re prepared to sacrifice so much for me. I love you too. I think I fell in love with you the first time I set eyes on you.’ She looked up at him again with a growing frown. ‘But your family’s estate? Won’t you lose it without an heir?’
Matteo stroked her cheek with a gentle finger. ‘I would rather lose the estate than lose you. You are enough for me, more than enough.’
Emmie was trying not to cry but failing miserably. ‘Oh, my darling, maybe we can have a family. We can adopt or foster. There are so many children out there who need loving homes. We could provide a wonderful home for our children. And they would be ours, wouldn’t they? Because we would commit to them the same way we commit to each other—for ever.’
‘You’d be open to that?’ Hope shone in his gaze. ‘Really?’
Emmie smiled and hugged him again. ‘I made the mistake of thinking, if I couldn’t be a biological mother, then I couldn’t be a mother. But I realise now being a mother is primarily about love, not just sharing some DNA. And I can’t think of a person I would rather be a parent with than you.’
‘You’ll be a wonderful mother.’ Matteo kissed her lingeringly, leaving her breathless and boneless in his arms. He lifted his mouth from hers to gaze down at her. ‘I can’t wait to marry you. Don’t make me wait. This last month has been torture, not seeing you, not touching you. Every day felt like a lifetime.’
‘I won’t make you wait,’ Emmie said, linking her arms around his neck. ‘I feel like such a hypocrite telling you to be open about your feelings when I’d locked my own away. I told you to be vulnerable but I didn’t want to be vulnerable myself.’
Matteo cradled her face in his hands. ‘I took a gamble that you loved me but were hiding it. I can’t say it was easy allowing myself to feel so vulnerable, but I figured losing you would be so much worse.’
‘Loving someone is all about facing the prospect of losing them one day,’ Emmie said. ‘That’s why it’s so frightening to open your heart. I just had my father here half an hour ago. He explained why he became so distant when I got sick. He was so terrified of losing me that he pulled away. It was a self-preservation move, an unconscious coping mechanism to prevent further pain. He’s seeing my mum again. Can you believe that? After eight years of bickering and all-
out war, they’re actually seeing each other.’
‘I’m glad you understand him better. And it just goes to show you should never lose hope.’
Emmie gazed up at him dreamily. ‘I didn’t realise I could be this happy. I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. I had even convinced myself I would be happy that way. I had starved myself of intimacy, just like my sister has starved herself of food. It disordered my thinking for so long but meeting you changed everything. You made me realise how much I wanted to love and be loved, no matter what.’
Matteo stroked her cheek again. ‘I was the same. Telling myself I was satisfied by casual hook-ups and only finding fulfilment in my work. But we will fulfil each other now. We’ll be an awesome team. And we’ll need to be, because we’ll have a lot on our plate travelling back and forth to Devon and London and Umbria.’
Emmie frowned in puzzlement. ‘But why will we be travelling to Devon?’
Matteo’s eyes twinkled and he slipped a hand into his jacket pocket and handed her a folded piece of paper. ‘For you, cara mia, with all my love.’
Emmie took the paper and unfolded it, her eyes rounding to the size of dinner plates, her heart swelling in her chest. ‘Oh, Matteo... You bought my childhood home?’ Tears sprouted in her eyes. ‘I can’t believe it, it’s like a dream come true. It’s just so generous of you.’
He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. ‘You are my dream come true. I love you. And I will shower you with gifts for the rest of our days.’
‘I love you so much, it’s impossible to put into words.’
Matteo lowered his mouth to hers. ‘Then let’s put it into action instead, si...?’
EPILOGUE
One year later...
EMMIE SAT SURROUNDED by her little instant family and wondered how she could ever have thought she would be any less of a mother for not having physically given birth to her children. Pepe and Paolo, the two-and-a-half-year-old twins, were playing with their father. For Matteo was every bit a father to them, as she was their mother, even though they didn’t share a single speck of DNA.
Harlequin Presents--July 2021--Box Set 1 of 2 Page 50
