by Daria Wright
There was another crack of thunder and another flash of lightning that lit up the room for a fraction of a second.
The rain poured down, hitting the roof top.
Something fuzzy touched her foot. Her heart skipped a beat as she glanced down towards it. A blanket settled down on her lap.
“I, um, thought you might be cold.”
“Danka.” Sarah settled down with the blanket, sinking into the couch as she watched Nate.
He turned to her, watching her with a soft smile on his face. “Why aren’t you dating?”
“Excuse me?” Sarah stammered.
“I mean, are you crazy or something?” A smirk spread over his lips.
Sarah laughed. “No.” Some in the community might think she was crazy, but she was sure she wasn’t crazy. “I just… have complications.” She bit her lip.
“Complications?”
“Well, don’t you have any?” she challenged, raising an eyebrow.
“Oh, I have lots. But we won’t get into them.” He laughed.
Sarah laughed softly.
There were a couple of seconds of silence before he spoke again. “Tell me something… well, not something… actually I guess it would be a favor to ask of you.”
“A favor?”
“Yes… I just…” A soft laugh passed through his lips. “I’d like to kiss you. May I?”
Sarah stared at him with wide eyes. “Y-you want to kiss me?”
“Yes, I mean, jah.”
Sarah’s heart did a backflip. She wanted to say yes. She’d never been kissed before. It wasn’t that she hadn’t wanted to be kissed, or that she hadn’t, in her own way, tried. Of course, when she was younger she had wanted to be kissed.
People didn’t seem to realize that Amish teenagers sometimes weren’t what they read about in books. Of course, some of it was true. They all wanted to remain good, and no girl wanted anything more than for her wedding night to be magical, but that didn’t mean no one wanted to be kissed when they were younger.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“No-”
“It was a stupid question-”
“It wasn’t.” They talked over one another. Sarah took a deep breath. “I was just thinking about it. That’s all, I wanted to think about your question before answering it. I wanted to make sure it is exactly what I wanted.”
“And what is your answer? Or do you need more time to think about it?”
“Jah.”
“Yes?”
“Jah, I will let you kiss me, Nate. But that’s it. Just one kiss.”
Nate reached out and took her hand, his fingers tangled between hers. He pulled her close to him, his free hand tracing over the curves of her body, but never touching her in any way he shouldn’t.
Sarah’s heart raced. She wasn’t sure if this had been the right answer or not.
His lips touched hers softly. Warm, hot, soft. Unlike anything she had ever experienced.
Sarah’s lips moved softly, still figuring out the rhythm. After a couple of seconds, she got the hang of it.
Then it was all over.
Nate pulled away from her with a smile. A flash of lightening lit up the room. Nate’s eyes sparkled as he stared at her.
“Wow,” was all she managed to say.
“Wow, indeed.” His eyes sparkled. His hand didn’t move away from hers the entire time; instead, his fingers tightened around hers. He pulled her into his arms and that was it. He just held her. Nothing more.
Not like the girls said it would be like.
Sarah rested her head against his warm chest. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Why can’t I have this? she wondered. She knew that she would probably never experience this again.
If she did, it would be years from now. Most people her age had left the community or found someone they wanted to marry.
Sarah sighed softly, closing her eyes.
Chapter 5
She woke the next morning, his arms wrapped around her and holding her tight. The light shone through the windows, letting her know that she had slept far too late, most likely. She and Nate had been up late into the night and it had been worth it. He had given her another kiss before they fell asleep, but that had been it. He hadn’t asked for more. He hadn’t tried to suggest more.
He had just held her all night.
Sarah stirred, twisting carefully to see him. His eyes were shut and his breathing deep. She stared at him, her heart racing. She hadn’t thought she could actually fall asleep with a man. An English man, no less. And he had been a perfect gentleman. Sarah slipped off the couch and headed for the kitchen.
“You’re awake,” he mumbled.
Sarah turned to see him staring at her. “Jah, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“You didn’t.” He stretched as he sat up. “So, would you like to get some breakfast?”
“Nee,” Sarah said quickly. I need to get home to Emma. She probably misses me, she thought.
“Oh, okay.” Did he sound disappointed?
“It’s just… that I…” Sarah bit her lip. She wanted to tell him the truth, but what would he say about her? Would whatever they had last night be ruined? It was probably nothing to him. So did it really matter what he thought of her? “I have someone waiting for me at home,” she said before thinking about it too long.
“I… I thought you said you weren’t courting.”
“I’m not, and I never have… but… I have a child.” Sarah knew it sounded crazy. She took a deep breath. “She’s not mine, by blood at least, but I found her and I took her in. She’s my daughter, even if not by blood.”
“Oh.” That was disappointment, she was sure of it. Nate stood. “I see. Then we should get you home to her. I’m sure she misses you.” He didn’t dare meet her eyes as he walked away from her, heading for the bathroom. Sarah was left staring after him, not really sure why he was acting this way. Guilt tugged at the pit of her stomach. She already regretted telling him.
After wiping away a couple of tears, Nate emerged from the bathroom with a fake smile on his face. He and Sarah grabbed a quick bite and headed out. It was important to get her back to her kid.
Nate’s heart sank into the pit of his stomach as he came to a stop where she told him to. He bit his lip, unsure of what to say next. He wanted to see her again but he didn’t know if he would be able to handle her having a child. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like he would ever be able to see her again, even though that was what he wanted. She was from a different world. And I would never make her deal with me, he thought. The thought hurt even himself, despite the fact that he was the one who thought it.
“Thank you for giving me a ride,” she said with a soft smile as she unbuckled herself. “I had a nice time with you.”
“I… I’d like to see you again,” he said without really thinking about it. But he did want to see her again. Badly.
Sarah turned to stare at him. “I’ll see if I’m free after the market some time.”
Sarah glanced over her shoulder as the car turned and headed out of sight. She stopped and pulled her cell phone out of her pocket. She dialed the number and lifted the phone to her ear.
It only took two rings before Christina answered.
“Hello?”
“Hi, it’s Sarah.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Jah, I think so. I was just wondering if you could… help me.” Sarah wanted to see Nate again, but when she told him about Emma he had been so strange about it. It had been unsettling. Sarah learned a long time ago to trust her gut, and her gut said there was something about Nate. “I um… need you to look into someone for me.”
“You want me to look into someone? What do you mean?”
Christina had been one of her best friends growing up, and like Hanna, she had found a man whom she loved - but he was an English man. They had talked long and hard about who would adapt to whose life, and in the end, they had decided Christina would leave the
community.
“There is this man… I… think I like him. He’s an English man, though and there is something about him…”
“I’ll see if Google says anything. What’s his name?”
“Nathan… I don’t know his last name, but Hanna knows him.”
“I’ll check her Facebook.”
Sarah bit her lip as she waited. She could hear Christina typing on the other end of the phone. Her heart raced and her stomach churned. What am I going to find? she wondered.
“I found two Nathans on her Facebook. One has a big tattoo on his neck.”
“That’s not him.”
“Okey-dokey.” There were a couple more seconds of silence. Sarah waited. What am I going to find? She couldn’t help thinking of half a dozen things that could go wrong. “Oh… oh no. Sarah, how much do you know about this guy?”
“I… don’t really know anything about him,” Sarah admitted.
“He was married.”
“What?” Sarah snapped. Her heart raced. “He’s married? But there was no sign-”
“No, Sarah you’re not listening. He had a wife. She… she died a year and a half ago.”
Sarah stopped moving. “She died?”
“While giving birth. He wasn’t even there by the sound of the obituary.”
Sarah felt her knees grow weak under her. She sat down in the middle of the road. After all, it was just an Amish road; chances are no one would be going down it since it didn’t lead to the shop.
“Nee wonder he was so… distant when I told him about Emma,” Sarah whispered. It must have been so hard for him to lose his wife. “Did they say what happened to the child?”
“No. But… does he have one?”
“Nee. I don’t think he does,” Sarah whispered softly. The words felt sickening. How horrid, she thought. But would he be able to accept that she had a child? Even if he accepted it, what would that mean?
“He didn’t tell you? About his wife, I mean?”
“Nee, he didn’t.”
“I’m so sorry, Sarah. Maybe he was going to. Maybe he…”
“Danka,” Sarah cut her friend off. “For checking things out for me.”
“Anytime. If you need anything else, just tell me.”
“I will,” she promised. She said goodbye and hung up. Sarah’s mind raced. Nate had a wife. No, he was widowed. He had lost his wife.
And a child.
Sarah took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. Everything was just so crazy. No wonder he had reacted the way he had.
Sarah stood, her legs shaky. She took a deep breath and headed for home. She knew that if she was gone too long, people would start to worry and she didn’t want anyone to know about what she had been doing. She didn’t want anyone to know about Nate. Or that she had enlisted Christina’s help.
As she made her way home and into the house, she didn’t see anyone. They were most likely out working already. She padded into the baby room. A smile touched her lips. Her daughter lay there, the dog beside the bed, watching carefully. He glanced at Sarah for a fraction of a second and then turned to the bed again.
Chapter 6
Nate stared at his wife’s gravestone. He had no clue what he was supposed to do. He liked Sarah. He wanted to see her again, but she had a child. A child.
Would he be able to handle it? He hadn’t been around kids since his wife had passed away. Hanna had tried to convince him to go to a children’s hospital. But he had declined.
He wasn’t sure he could do that. He wasn’t sure how he would ever be able to be around a child again. Thinking that it could have been his. When he had heard he would be a father, he had been so excited. He had thought about what kind of father he would be. What he would teach his child. What he would want them to know, what he would want to teach them to stay away from.
What he could pass on to them.
And then that had been taken from him.
He flopped down, his heart dropping as he stared at the sky. The clouds passed by. Then he sat up and stared at the stone in front of him. The flowers hadn’t wilted yet. He had been trying not to come over too often. “What am I supposed to do?” he asked, as he pushed himself up and headed towards the car. He hadn’t meant to get an answer from it. Of course, he was the only one who was around.
He probably shouldn’t have picked a gravesite close to him. It was bad for him to be able to get there in a couple of minutes, but it was nice to be able to get home quickly.
Slipping out of his car, he padded to his door, stopping only to grab the mail. He looked down at the flyer in front of him. Looked like it was for some sort of church.
Yes.
That was all it said, and maybe it shouldn’t have but it stuck out to him. He stared at it. Yes. Yes to what? He didn’t bother reading the rest of it. He tossed it out, trying to ignore the feeling it gave him.
He shifted through the rest of the mail. His heart stopped for a fraction of a second as he stared at the hand writing.
Chapter 7
“Sarah! A letter came for you.”
“A letter?” Sarah raised an eyebrow. Sarah never got letters. There was no one to write to her.
She reached for it and took the small letter. Her hands shook for some reason as she opened it. Who could have sent this to me? she wondered as she carefully unfolded the letter. She hadn’t recognised the handwriting on the envelope. When she stared down at the letter itself, she saw that it had been typed out on a computer and printed off.
Sarah,
By now you have met my husband, Nate. He is wonderful, isn’t he? He will make a wonderful father to your child. I wonder what you called her. I know that I am looking down on her from heaven. He can be a hard man to break through to, and I’m sure that he will take my death hard, but when he opens up, he will show you how dedicated he is. He’s so excited to be a father; please don’t take that away from him.
I’ve seen you, I watch you every week at the market, and I know you will be a good mother. I see the way you are with kids. I’ve talked to your friend long and hard about this. I have faith.
I have no clue who my daughter will grow up to be - no, your daughter. I know you will raise a beautiful girl, but I also know that what I have done to you will be a burden. For that, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make things hard on you, but I have no one else to turn to. Your friend speaks so highly of you. She has faith in you. I have faith in you.
So now, I must ask you to do something I never thought I’d have to do. I have to ask you to save my husband and my daughter. Please, for a good man and a child, save them.
Sarah stared at the words, reading them over and over again. She couldn’t believe what she was reading.
“Sarah?” Her mother sounded worried. Sarah looked up to see her entire family staring at her. Her mother had gone to get Emma. Sarah’s heart dropped into the pit of her stomach. “What’s wrong?”
Instead of saying a word, Sarah handed the letter to her mother, taking her child from her. Sarah watched as her mother read the letter, her eyes growing wider with each second.
Sarah held her daughter tight. Could this be some sort of prank? No, who would know about Nate? As far as I know, no one knows about him, Sarah thought. Except Hanna. But that didn’t make sense. Hanna wouldn’t send her a letter, or make a joke like this. If this was a joke, it was cruel.
“Do you know who this could be from?” her mother asked as she looked away from the letter.
“I have no clue,” Sarah stammered. Her mind was racing and she knew she needed to talk to someone - she just wasn’t sure which one of them she was supposed to call.
Chapter 8
My love,
I can’t put into words how much I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish I could be with you. I wish that no matter what happened, we could be together - but that’s not the case. You are an amazing man. You are kind, caring, sweet, and incredibly handsome - you can move on. You should. Not just for yourself, but for
everyone else. I don’t want to weigh you down. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t forget me. I want you to love life.
I want you to find someone else, a young Amish girl. By now you know Sarah. She’s sweet, isn’t she? Hanna speaks fondly of her. Hanna says she’s a good person. I’m watching over you, I’m watching over her and our daughter. I know she will take good care of our daughter, I only hope now that you know Sarah, now that you know she has our daughter, you will become the father you were so excited to be.
I wish I could have talked to you. I wish I didn’t have to send this letter.
I love you, Nathan. I love you more than I can ever put into words.
Your loving wife,
Forever and always.
Nate stared at the letter, no longer reading it. He had no clue what he was supposed to believe. He had no clue what he was supposed to think. He couldn’t.
He couldn’t think, his mind just raced, trying to piece everything together.
He couldn’t believe it.
Was she saying that his daughter was still alive? His hands shook as he reached for the phone in his pocket. He glanced at his phone, looking for Hanna’s number. She was the one who could explain all this. She would tell him everything.
Chapter 9
Hanna wasn’t answering her phone and that wasn’t like her. Sarah didn’t even care that she was standing in front of her family. They didn’t, either.
There were times when a cell phone came in handy, and right now was one of those times. Right now, she needed to get to the bottom of this.
What had Hanna been hiding from her? What had she lied to Sarah about? What had she done?
Sarah hung up the phone and tried again. This time Hanna answered. “Hi, now’s not really-”
“What did you do?” Sarah’s voice cut her friend off. She was angry. You involved me in something. You planned something out without even thinking about what I’d want.
“I… I can explain. I’m going to. I’m going to meet Nate tomorrow for lunch. Why don’t you join us?”
