by Daria Wright
“Gott, please help me see,” she whispered to the emptiness around her.
Ch. 6
Emma rose early again two days later, after a sleepless night of tossing and turning. Her stomach had at least emptied itself twice throughout the night, and the headache she had so furiously worked to get rid of, came back with a vengeance. Brewing herself a nice cup of tea, Emma sat in front of the wood stove to warm herself up again from the cold that always seemed to cling to her.
Somehow, by miracle, John had either not mentioned what he stumbled upon the other day with her and Trey, or her parents had had little time yesterday with church to ask her, which gave Emma some much needed quiet time before facing Trey later in the evening.
Her heart had never felt so heavy with unease. It had been three months since Harley had passed into Gott’s Kingdom. Emma knew her mann meant what he had said to John about her moving on, but the problem now lay with her indisputable attraction for Trey. He had almost kissed her on the front porch. She had almost kissed him back because she wanted it, too.
And all of it was wrong. Emma had taken her vows of joining the church seriously after spending years exploring rumspringa, but somehow she found herself back to wondering if it had been the right choice. She and Harley had only been eighteen years old when they joined the church; they were married two years later with hopes of raising a family. Now, she was faced with a growing attraction for an English man who understood her grief better than anyone else.
A curt knock filled the living room. Just as Emma expected when she peeked out through the living room curtains, it was her maemm standing in front of the front door dressed in a navy colored dress and white kapp. She opened the door with a small bit of trepidation.
“Gut morning,” Mary said. “May I come in?”
“Of course.”
The morning chill swept into the haus on the skirts of her maemm’s dress. They ended up in the kitchen without exchanging a glance or word. Years of conversations always seemed to lead them into the kitchen. It was where Mary Zook felt her best.
“Would you like some tea, Ma?” Emma asked, sweeping over to the sink to fill the kettle with water. “I can brew us a cup if you’d like, or some kafe.”
“Tea would be nice,” Mary replied. “Here, let me do it. You are pale as a ghost this morning.”
Her maemm’s fingers swept the kettle away from Emma’s grasp before she could argue.
“Have you given any more thought to working at the bakery with me?” she asked.
Emma anxiously toyed with the string of her apron. She knew her maemm didn’t like to pry, but when it came to her kinner, she had her own sneaky way of getting information. And she had no idea if John had mentioned to her parents in passing what he had witnessed a few days prior. It was better, she reasoned inwardly, to speak the truth.
“I found other work else where,” she said, cautiously. “I have been helping with Trey Stone and his kinner. They live behind the Bylers’ farm.”
“Ja. Sarah mentioned to me in passing at our sewing frolic that she had seen your buggy there in the evenings.”
The smell of black tea filled the kitchen. Mary sat down at the kitchen table while they waited for a few minutes for the water to come to a full boil. “That is why you have been feeling exhausted lately?”
“Nee,” Emma said, softly. “I haven’t been feeling well since Harley…” She trailed off, swallowing thickly. “My stomach has constantly ached along with my head.”
Her maemm’s gaze swept over her figure, but settled on Emma’s stomach. “Your body has changed quite a bit since Harley went with Gott. You don’t tie your apron as tightly as you used to.”
That part was true. Emma had noticed over the past few weeks that her stomach was a bit swollen, but she contributed it to not feeling well. She met her maemm’s gaze again to find her staring with a small knowing smile.
It hit her like a tidal wave then. The constant upset stomachs, headaches, and her bouts of emotions were all because of one simple reason: she was pregnant with a bobli.
“Do-do—” Emma’s hands trembled when she reached down to gingerly touch her stomach. “How did I not think of this before?”
Mary stood up from the table with a smile. “Gott has blessed you with a bobli. This is wunderbar news! I am so happy for you.”
She drew Emma into a tight embrace before pulling back to finish pouring them tea. Emma listened distantly to her maemm chat excitedly about sewing new clothes and blankets for the bobli. A piece of Harley and herself now lived inside of her. A bobli. The thought was thrilling, terrifying, and bitter at the same time.
Emma rubbed her lower stomach while tears misted her eyes. Gott had blessed them with a precious gift, even if Harley wasn’t physically there to enjoy their blessing.
“… I would also feel much better if you came to the bakery to work,” Mary said.
“What?”
She blinked away the tears before looking up at her maemm, who was gazing at her sternly.
“Don’t you think it would better for you to be near your family? I can see that you haven’t been taking care of yourself the way you need to.”
“I didn’t realize that I was with a bobli until now,” Emma countered, the thought of Trey instantly filling her with those conflicting emotions.
She couldn’t bear the thought of those two girls losing another maternal figure in their lives when they already had lost so much. Then there was Trey who was relying steadily on her to look after them while he tried to provide for them as the lone parent.
“I will be fine,” Emma said. “I will come to the bakery in the mornings to help out.”
Mary sighed, but sensed that the conversation was over for the moment.
“Just promise to give it thought,” she said, drinking the last bit of her tea. “I will expect you at the bakery tomorrow morning.”
Emma waited until the front door closed before sinking down into a chair with a shaky breath. What now? The question repeated itself over and over in her mind. What sort of test was this?
More than ever, she needed Gott to give her an answer.
Ch. 7
The following week Emma did her best to hide her conflicted emotions while she helped care for Trey’s children. It still felt incredibly surreal to know that there was a bobli growing inside her. There were random times throughout the day that Emma found her hand resting on the small swell of her belly in a protective and loving gesture.
While her heart was lifted with joy for the blessing, something she and Harley had prayed for months after being married, it still felt heavy with confusion. Every moment that Emma spent in Trey’s company after the two girls had fallen fast asleep, the harder it was on her heart. They shared a connection that not many seemed to understand; and while Trey respected her Amish roots by remaining a gentleman at all times, she could sense the change between them since that day on the front porch.
Something, a small but growing spark, brewed between the two of them now. She felt it intently in the way Trey looked at her from the corner of his eyes sometimes. No matter how many times Emma discussed it with herself, she could never bring herself to explain to him what would happen if they acted upon that attraction. Her heart was heavy with conflicting emotions of wanting to give in, sticking with her faith that had gotten her through Harley’s death, and the shame of feeling this way when she was still in the mourning period.
Eventually, in a year, she would be able to find another mann.
In desperate need of fresh air, Emma parted ways from her maemm’s bakery in the afternoon as promised. While Mary never involved herself in her kinner’s lives, she didn’t hesitate to make it known that she disapproved of Emma’s employment at the Stone household. And luckily, her maemm never asked if there were anything going on, either.
The sound of buggy wheels and horses hooves trotting from behind her caught Emma’s attention. Her heart dropped when she recognized John holding the reins.<
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“Emma?”
John looked down at her in concern as he pulled up alongside her, slowing his horse down to a steady walk. “Are you okay? Your face is whiter than snow.”
Irritation swept through Emma at being disrupted from her walk.
“I’m fine,” she replied politely as possible. “I’m just heading home for the afternoon.”
“Do you need a ride there?” John asked.
“Nee,” she said, forcing herself to smile. “I’m fine, John. Really. Danka for asking.”
“Can we talk?” John asked then, a bit desperately. “I’ve been wanting to seek you out, but I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to you. Please, it’s important.”
Emma sighed inwardly, resigning herself to climbing up into John’s buggy for a ride home. It did help her aching feet and legs to not walk from the bakery to her haus. Fields of hay passed by them as they trotted onwards in strained silence.
“What is it that you want to talk about?” she asked.
“I spoke your daed,” John said, glancing at her anxiously. “I told him about Harley’s last words to me, and what I think he meant by them.”
A headache pounded in Emma’s temples. She twisted her hands in agitation, and forced herself to keep her gaze focused forward. It all of her strength to not reply, or to speak harshly. The pit of her stomach was starting to twist into dreadful knots.
John seemed oblivious to the storm building inside of her. “I’ve been praying long and hard over it, Emma. I’ve asked Gott several times if this was his plan for me, but your daed seems to agree with me, that in order for me to honor Harley’s words, is to be with you…”
Anger rose sharply in Emma’s throat. While she respected her daed’s wisdom, it did not dull the sting of anger in her.
“John—” she started, but he cut in over her smoothly.
“I know that you are in mourning still,” he continued on quickly, “and I would never replace Harley in your heart, but I think this is what he would want. He would want you to be taken care of.”
What sort of test was Gott putting her through? First, it was Harley passing on to be with Him. Secondly, it was Trey Stone’s sudden appearance in her life. Then thirdly, there was John trying desperately to honor his friend’s dying words.
Emma’s eyes slipped closed as she took a deep breath to control her wavering emotions. More than anything, she wanted some time to pray. To her relief, the buggy stopped in front of the road stretching onto her haus.
“I appreciate you trying to honor Harley’s words,” she said, as kindly as possible, “but I can’t think of things like this right now. It’s only been a few months since he has been gone. I need time to think about everything.”
Especially now that there was a bobli on the way.
Emma slipped out of the buggy before John could reply. She distantly felt a stab of guilt for behaving so rudely towards him, but her heart just ached looking upon John’s face at times, because she wished it was Harley looking at her. It filled her with such shame to think that way, and she needed Gott to help her understand what to do.
She spent the remaining afternoon preparing meals for the Stone kinner. Emma gladly threw herself into the distraction of the two girls helping her tidy up the haus while listening to their innocent banter. It wasn’t until Trey arrived home an hour after the girls had fallen asleep that her previous anxiety rose again.
“There is a plate of food for you on the table,” Emma said, buttoning up her coat hurriedly. “I do not mean to rush out tonight, but I am not feeling too well today.”
Trey barely glanced at the plate of food on the table. His eyes were studying her tight expression, and the way she avoided looking him directly in the eye.
“You’re upset about something,” he remarked.
“It’s nothing,” she said.
“It isn’t nothing,” Trey said, folding his arms across his broad chest. “What is going on? You’ve been acting different all week.”
When Emma still refused to look up at him, he continued on gently, “I’m sorry if you are upset and uncomfortable about what happened last weekend. It was forward of me, and I shouldn’t have done it. I know your commitment to your Amish faith. I would never do anything to compromise it.”
“I know that,” Emma said, softly. She finally summoned the courage to look up at him. “You are a kind a man who loves his children. You have done nothing to upset me.”
“I glad you think so highly of me,” he replied, a bit wryly. “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life right now. I have two children who miss their mom more than anything, and it’s hard balancing all of it. I’m at an utter loss for what to do right now.”
“I know how you feel,” Emma said, and she truly did. Losing Harley had been the most devastating thing she had experienced; her life no longer felt as though it had a specific direction. “I will be praying for you. Eventually, there will be something that will help you find direction.”
A small smile tugged at Trey’s lips at that. The faint bristle of a beard covered his strong jaw. His hair was messy and covered in what appeared to be dirt and wood chips.
“You’re an incredible person of faith. I admire that.”
Emma felt her previous tension from the past week melt away at those words. She smiled back at him.
“Those are kind words for you to say, but I needed to hear them.”
The chill of the Autumn night took Emma’s breath away as she trotted away from Trey’s haus. Soon, they would harvest all their fields in preparation for winter. It was one of the few times of the year that Emma truly enjoyed the change of the season. There would warm smells of apples and cinnamon along with slow simmering roasts. It was simple little things such as those that Gott gave to them to help ease their hearts.
And Trey had done it tonight without any effort, with just a few simple words, despite her conflicted feelings towards him.
Ch. 8
The Stone haus was in chaos when Emma made her way up the drive way on Monday afternoon. High pitched cries— Chloe’s from what Emma could detect from the barn— filled the afternoon. Trey’s car was parked in its usual spot, but it was unusual to see it there at this time on a weekday.
Emma hurriedly unhitched her mare from the buckles of the buggy, shooing her away to the field with a gentle smack on the behind before heading to the back door. She entered the kitchen to find a mess of bowls scattered on the table along with a grumpy looking Paisley toddling through the kitchen with a box of cereal in her hands. Setting down the pot of Sunday morning stew she had made yesterday for church at the Holtzs’ haus, Emma quickly stepped into Paisley’s path. Upstairs, she could hear the sound of Trey’s voice trying to placate an obviously upset Chloe from the sound of his desperate and calm tone.
“No, no,” Emma chided, gently prying her little fingers from the box to find them sticky. “What’s going on, Paisley? Why is your sister upset, hm?”
“Mama,” Paisley said.
Her sad eyes dropped down to the floorboards, and it filled Emma with a horrible ache. At least, she thought to herself sadly, her own growing bobli wouldn’t grow up missing the other parent who left their life unexpectedly. The bobli would only know Emma, and while that was sad in itself, it was also easier than having to deal with a child’s understandable grief. She only imagined how Chloe and Paisley both felt for losing their maemm, a woman who clearly had showered them with love.
Emma swooped up Paisley into her arms to wash the toddler’s hands free of whatever she had gotten into. She placed Paisley in front of a drawer full of measuring cups to keep her occupied before venturing upstairs to the partially cracked door of Chloe’s room.
“I miss mom,” Chloe sobbed. “I want to go back home. I want mom back.”
“I know, sweetheart,” Trey replied. “We all miss mom, but I told you that mom was in Heaven with the angels. Remember?”
“Why can’t we go see her? I want to go see her.”
<
br /> She heard Trey let out a heavy sigh. “I wish we could, Chloe. I really do wish that, but it’s not possible.”
“It’s not fair!” Chloe cried out again. “I want mom.”
Emma twisted her hands in uncertainty. She didn’t wish to interrupted an obvious personal moment, but she could hear Trey’s voice faltering with emotion. He was trying to do everything - to be two parents, and cope with his own grief. The only thing that Emma could think to do at that moment was pray for Gott to help them.
“I know, sweetheart. Just stay here in bed for a little bit, okay? I know you’re tired because you barely slept last night.”
The door opened to reveal a ragged looking Trey, his hair messy and face unshaven. Dark circles graced around his eyes when he took in Emma with surprise and also relief.
“I didn’t know you were here,” he said, eyes immediately darting around the hallway. “Where’s Paisley? I told her stay in her room, or out here.”
“I found her eating cereal in the kitchen,” Emma said.
Trey sighed heavily as he rubbed at his face in visible exhaustion. “I’ve lost all control over my kids today. I tell one to stay put, and the other one is having a hard time. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“You’re doing everything that you can do.” Emma hesitated for a moment, but continued on, “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but Chloe didn’t sleep well last night?”
“She had a nightmare last night, and I wasn’t able to pacify her until it was nearly dawn. I think that’s what fueled her meltdown at kindergarten earlier. The school called to tell me that they couldn’t calm her down, so I took time off work to pick up the girls.” He let out a pained groan. “I thought it’d be a good idea for us to spend time together since I’ve been running around between my job and this farm, but that was not the brightest idea of mine.”
“You needed to be with your children. That is the best idea.”
Trey looked at her then. His gaze pierced right through her in the dimness of the hallway. The hair on Emma’s arm stood on edge as she felt that little tug of something in the air once again. She turned to start down the stairs at a hasty pace to put some space between them. Not because she worried about Trey, but because she was alarmed at her own feelings.
