by Lacey London
Again, my mind drifts to Aidan and I find myself hoping he’s having the same success as Ruby. Is he at The Shepard, packing for his trip? Is he up in the sky, mid-flight? Or is he sprawled on a beach, having a drink in memory of Mel? The thought of the last one brings a smile to my face once more.
Wandering into the living room, I look down at my own list to happiness and sigh heavily. Fixing my relationship with my mother and addressing the damp don’t sound like major issues, but at least one of those is going to be easier said than done. After all, you can’t fix something that doesn’t want to be repaired, but at least I will sleep easy at night knowing that I’ve tried…
Chapter 34
Watching the world go by from the window, I find myself wondering if I am doing the right thing. Thelma’s Tea Room makes the perfect location for almost any meeting, but the thought of my mother walking through the door makes me want to hurl. A part of me thinks this impending conversation isn’t worth my energy. It’s been such a long time since my mum and I had a good relationship that I don’t even know where to start.
Carefully blowing into the steaming mug, my smile freezes as my mother steps into the café. Not saying a word, she pulls out a chair at the opposite end of the table and offers me a strained smile. I beam back at her, remarking at how similar we look. Her eyes, her nose, her mouth. Even the laughter lines on her temples are exactly like mine. How can we be so similar, yet so very different?
‘So, how are you?’ I eventually ask, trying to keep my voice steady.
‘Fine.’ She retorts, immediately seeming uncomfortable. ‘You?’
I nod in response as she orders a coffee with the waiter.
‘Well, this is nice.’ I say awkwardly, as my stomach does somersaults.
‘Yes, it is.’ Fiddling with the edge of the menu, she turns to look away.
Regretting my decision to invite her here today, I concentrate on the reason behind this awkward meeting. ‘I thought it would be nice if we did this more often.’
My mum flashes me a confused look and purses her lips. ‘What do you mean?’
I pause as the waiter returns with a cappuccino and places it in front of her.
‘I want us to make more of an effort to get along.’ Cradling my mug, I rest my elbows on the table, studying her reaction carefully.
‘We do get along?’ She mutters, totally dismissing my point. ‘What are you talking about?’
I stare at my mum and wonder how it got this far. How have we gone from mother and daughter to strangers in just twenty-six years?
‘Can we please stop this charade?’ I beg, my heart starting to sink. ‘It’s draining…’
‘Look, Sadie.’ She interrupts curtly. ‘I don’t know where this went wrong…’
‘It went wrong when you put Mick before me!’ I hiss, trying to keep my voice down. ‘It went wrong when you washed your hands of me at twenty-one and it went wrong when you ridiculed my struggles with my mental health.’
Her face freezes as she looks around the busy café, completely mortified by my outburst. ‘Sadie…’
‘No, don’t try and brush this under the carpet. We need to sort this out.’ Placing my palms face down on the table, I fix my gaze on hers. ‘Why do you refuse to talk about the obvious problems we have?’
Shaking her head, she looks down at the ground dejectedly. ‘Because I don’t know how to fix it…’
‘Then try!’ I cry, completely exasperated.
‘I don’t know what to say!’ Throwing her arms in the air, her cheeks turn pink as her bottom lip starts to tremble. ‘I’m a terrible mother, okay? Is that what you want to hear?’
‘No!’ I yell, not caring that other people are now staring at us. ‘I want to hear how we’re going to put this right.’
She holds her head in her hands for what feels like forever, until finally looking up. ‘I was never cut out to be a mother, Sadie. You know that more than anyone.’
I nod in response, unable to deny her lack of motherly instincts.
‘I struggled so much when you were young, but when the money came through, I thought I could actually make a difference to your life. It’s no secret that Mick doesn’t like kids, but he’s not all bad. He had a rough time as a child, worse than you could ever imagine. He was lucky if he ate, so he can’t understand it when people shower their kids with materialistic things.’
Unable to accept her explanation of Mick’s awful behaviour, I roll my eyes and look away.
‘The fact that you two couldn’t get along killed me, so the only way I knew how to deal with it was to keep you apart. As time went on, you drifted further and further away. Yes, I disapprove of your lifestyle choices. I had dreams of you being a doctor, a lawyer or something else academic. You’re a bright girl, Sadie. Seeing you dedicate your life to art and counselling seems such a waste to me.’
Hearing her refer to counselling as a waste makes my blood boil.
‘This is exactly what the problem is.’ I retort angrily. ‘A good mother doesn’t judge and ridicule the things their children are passionate about. A good mother is supportive and encourages you to follow your dreams.’
She drops her head to her chest and lowers her voice to a whisper. ‘I know what it’s like to follow your passion instead of a strong and stable career. You remember just how much we struggled before. I want more for you than that. Yes, we are financially secure now, but that money won’t last forever. I just want you to have a secure future.’
Despite my efforts to keep a stern face, my angry posterior flickers. I can’t argue with that. It’s no secret that we had nothing when I was growing up. The modest council house we lived in was a far cry from our prestigious village.
‘It doesn’t feel like you want the best for me. Most of the time, it’s like you don’t want anything to do with me at all.’ Saying this out loud makes my stomach pang with sadness, but the truth always hurts. ‘When I was at my lowest, you didn’t give me a second thought. I needed a mother then more than ever.’
‘I thought you didn’t need me.’ She protests weakly. ‘I thought you were independent and strong-willed…’
‘I had to be independent and strong-willed.’ A lump forms in my throat and I try my best to swallow it. ‘I don’t have anyone else. I don’t have any siblings and you’ve made no secret of not wanting me to reconnect with my biological father. You’re all that I have.’
Seemingly lost for words, she stares at the table as tears silently roll down her face.
‘There are no excuses for my behaviour, Sadie. I was wrong and I don’t know what to do to put it right.’ Her voice trails off into a series of sobs and I feel my jaw drop open at her apology.
There are a million things I want to say to her, but I don’t breathe a word. Picking her apart and reminding her of all the times where she’s let me down isn’t going to help things one iota. If we have any hope of putting this behind us and moving on, we have to draw a line beneath this. We have to leave the past in the past and start to pave the way for a future together.
‘What’s in the past doesn’t matter. What matters now is what we choose to do from here.’ Leaning across the table, I hold out my hand for hers.
After initially hesitating, she places her palm in mine. ‘I’m so sorry, Sadie.’
For the first time in the history of our relationship, I hear her say those words and actually mean them. Pushing out my chair, I walk around the table and embrace her tightly. Letting the tears fall, I rest my head on her shoulder and allow myself to cry.
Alec was right. We bury the things that make us unhappy so deeply, we don’t even acknowledge them anymore. We become so unaware of their existence that we simply accept them and live our lives under a cloud. Today has made me realise that it’s not always about trying to fix something that’s broken. Sometimes, it’s about starting over and creating something infinitely better…
Chapter 35
Picking up a sparkly dress, I run my fingers over the so
ft fabric before hanging it back on the rail. I’m surrounded by beautiful garments, but not a single one is calling out to me. No matter how hard I try to be seduced into making one mine, I’m just not feeling the draw.
‘That’s fabulous!’ Aldo gasps, reaching for the same dress and checking the price tag. ‘This is perfect for your date!’
Holding it against my body, Aldo pushes me towards a mirror and fluffs up my hair. Not being convinced, I shake my head and scrunch up my nose sceptically. ‘It’s a little over the top for a dinner…’
‘You’re meeting your future husband!’ He scoffs, admiring the intricate needlework. ‘Nothing would be over the top!’ Linking his arm through mine, Aldo holds the glittering dress in the air and leads me through the department store.
We have been shopping all day for the perfect outfit for my big date on Friday, but despite my best efforts to enjoy it, I just want to be at home.
‘What about shoes?’ Aldo stops in the aisle and points to a pair of pointed stilettoes. ‘These are nice, or you could wear your Suave wedges? You still haven’t worn those.’
I shrug my shoulders and glance at my watch. ‘Either. I’m not too bothered…’
Not rising to the bait, he plucks the shoes from the display and drops them into his basket. ‘Whether you show enthusiasm or not, you’re going and that’s final.’
Letting out a groan, I follow him towards the handbag section and nod in approval as he picks up a nude clutch bag. Listening to him ramble on about this season’s must-have hairstyles, I zone out and allow myself to slip into a daydream. Nodding along in a bid to appear interested, I spin around as a certain name grabs my attention.
‘… Surrey with Aidan…’
‘Sorry?’ I ask, suddenly on high alert. ‘What was that?’
Rolling his eyes, Aldo tosses a necklace on top of the shoes before marching towards the tills. ‘I said, I saw Pierce again whilst you were in Surrey with Aidan.’
‘Oh.’ I mumble, feeling deflated.
‘He came into the salon.’ Handing over the basket, Aldo motions for me to get my debit card out of my purse. ‘He’s really excited to meet you.’
I smile back at him as my stomach churns with dread. ‘That’s… nice.’
‘Nice?’ He repeats, shooting me a scowl. ‘Believe me, Pierce Harrington is far more than nice.’
Secretly tiring of hearing this guy’s name, I swap my card for the glossy bag and punch my PIN number into the keypad.
‘I heard from Ruby a couple of days ago…’ I mumble, trying to get away from the subject of Pierce. ‘She’s having a fabulous time out there.’
‘I bet she is.’ Aldo smiles and thanks the sales assistant. ‘I’m glad she’s finally living her dream.’
‘What’s your dream?’ I ask, stuffing the receipt into the bag as we make our way towards the exit.
‘I don’t know.’ He sighs and tears off his nicotine patch roughly. ‘My dream changes day by day. One minute it’s to own a salon in Chelsea, then it’s to move to Mykonos…’
‘Still in love with Greece?’ I smile up at him and rest my head on his shoulder.
‘Definitely.’ Pulling an electronic cigarette from his pocket, he puffs away and blows smoke rings into the air. ‘What about you?’
We step outside into the warm afternoon air and I automatically reach for my sunglasses. ‘I’ve thought about this a lot lately and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m already living my dream.’
‘Really?’ He asks, steering me in the direction of Blossom View.
‘There are little things I would change here and there, but in the grand scheme of things, I would say I’m exactly where I want to be in life.’ We join the line of people waiting to cross the road and I slip my hands into my pockets.
‘I’m so proud of you, Shirley.’ Aldo gives my shoulders a tight squeeze and pauses to look in a shop window. ‘What made you come to that realisation?’
‘I made an unhappiness list.’ I glance up at him as he frowns in confusion. ‘You write down all the things that make you unhappy and then you decide how you’re going to change them. When I sat down to compose my list, I realised that my life is actually pretty good.’
‘What was on the list?’ He asks, slowing down to a steady pace and becoming absorbed in the conversation.
‘It was pathetically short.’ I admit, offering him a chewing gum. ‘The first was to sort out the damp at Blossom View…’
‘Oh, what problems you have!’ He scoffs, nudging me playfully. ‘What else was on the list?’
‘To build bridges with my mum.’ Knowing that Aldo is very aware of my fraught relationship with my mother, I bite my lip and wait for his reaction.
Stopping abruptly, Aldo’s eyes widen in shock. ‘Now that is something which needs sorting out.’
‘It is.’ I agree, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him along the street. ‘We met up yesterday and I finally told her how she makes me feel. She cried, I cried and we agreed to start again.’
‘Just like that? After all this time?’ Aldo’s jaw drops open and I nod to confirm what I am saying is true. ‘I genuinely thought you two were a lost cause.’
‘So did I.’ I take a deep breath and look up through the trees. ‘I’m not saying that all of our problems have suddenly vanished, but there’s hope for us whilst we’re both willing to try.’
‘This is fantastic news!’ Aldo pulls me towards him and hugs me tightly. ‘You must be so happy.’
‘I am happy.’ I squeeze him back and feel a smile spring to my face. ‘As long as I have hope, faith, a bed beneath me and the stars above me, all will be right with the world…’
* * *
Finally locating the tatty business card at the bottom of my handbag, I shake off the crumbs and turn it over in my hands. The corners are curled and it has a few grubby marks, but at least I haven’t lost it. Running my eyes over the faded phone number, I walk over to the damp patch on the wall. Leaning down, I push against the skirting board and watch it crumble like sawdust beneath my touch. Hearing Aidan’s words ringing loudly in my mind, I grab my phone and punch in the number in front of me.
The familiar ring buzzes for a few seconds before a deep voice picks up. Trying to explain that you think you have damp when you don’t know what you’re talking about is no easy feat and as a result, it takes me a while to arrange an appointment. Apparently, there are a hundred different types of damp and until he comes and sees it for himself, he won’t know exactly what he’s dealing with. Ending the call, I write a note on the fridge to remind me of the appointment and cross the last item off my unhappiness list.
Staring at the notepad, I feel a rush of satisfaction. The two things that have been worrying me are being taken care of. I finally feel in control. I feel like I have the power to change anything that I’m unhappy with and that’s a whole new concept for me. Feeling rather pleased with myself, I bend down to pick up Mateo and head into the dining room.
After a quick lick of paint, courtesy of Aidan, the place looks twice the size it did before. It now looks fresh. It’s a blank canvas for me to do whatever I please. Cradling my furry friend against my chest, I stand in the middle of the room and look around. This cottage will have once been filled with the laughter of so many people, but now it’s time for me to make my own memories here. The past may have taught me a lot about myself, but this is where my future lies. Not in the Caribbean, not in New Zealand, but right here, in Blossom View. After all, home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling…
Chapter 36
For the first time in a long while, I awoke this morning feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and strangely content. I can’t pinpoint exactly what has changed, but I have a funny feeling my blank unhappiness list has something to do with it. Taking a deep breath, I look around the room and smile happily. I’m ready and raring to go, some twenty minutes ahead of schedule. Deciding to use the spare time to re-stock the information stand, I look up as I hear the door squeak open.<
br />
‘Yvette!’ I exclaim, completely thrown to see her. ‘You came!’
Looking at the circle of chairs nervously, she offers me a thin smile in response.
‘It’s great to see you.’ Recognising her apprehension, I take a few steps towards her and motion for her to sit down. ‘I’m so pleased that you decided to join us!’
‘I haven’t decided if I am staying yet.’ She mumbles, clutching onto her handbag for dear life. ‘I just wanted to see for myself what goes on in here.’
‘That’s absolutely fine.’ Overjoyed that she has made the effort, I beam back at her proudly. ‘There’s no pressure. You just do as little or as much as you’re comfortable with.’
Reluctantly nodding, she strains her neck to look at the educational posters on the wall.
‘People won’t be arriving for a little while. Feel free to have a look around.’ Not wanting to pressure her, I return to the information stand and give her some space.
With wide eyes, she cautiously puts one foot in front of the other and joins me by the leaflets. Watching her pick up pamphlet after pamphlet, I inwardly give myself a high-five. Ruby would be overjoyed if she knew her mother was here.
‘This will help Ruby so much…’ I say encouragingly, reaching for a stack of contact cards and filling the empty container. ‘Having the support of loved ones can have profound effects on sufferers of anxiety.’
Yvette nods and plucks another leaflet from the stand. Watching her quickly become engrossed in the text, I decide to leave her to it and walk into the lobby to give her a few minutes alone. Just making the decision to come here today was a giant step. I don’t want to overload her with information too soon.
Sitting on the windowsill, I adjust the blinds to allow a little light to spill into the hallway and watch the flurry of people rushing along the street. The sun is dancing amongst the scattered clouds, as busy shoppers and workers go about their daily lives. Completely engrossed in the scene, I almost miss the shadowy figure walking across the car park. Pushing myself up, I frown at my watch as I see there are still ten minutes to go. Opening the door, my stomach flips as I see my own mother standing in front of me.
