by Jim Galford
Now, he watched to be sure that the whole family was safe. He knew at last that Feanne was truly beyond his reach as Insrin was not the monster he had hoped for. Instead, he was a good mate for her, treating Feanne well, which seemed to somehow make everything worse at times. He just had to keep reminding himself that this was a better life for Feanne than he could ever have offered her.
Each time he came here, Estin wondered why he kept doing this to himself. Some part of him needed this, but he could not fathom why. When he had believed that Feanne hated her mate and would want to run away, it was easy to convince himself to endure anything for her, in the vague hope that he could one day win her back. Now, with two young in the hut and her affection clear even to him, he did not know what kept him coming back.
Tonight was proving to be no different. Insrin lingered a while with Feanne, whispering to her in the night, until he finally turned and joined two waiting foxes, who escorted him into the woods, handing him weapons as they went. As they departed, Feanne waited on the doorstep, watching them go, then turned and herded two small shapes back into the hut before closing the door.
Estin struggled to get a look at the little ones, but never quite saw them directly. From what he had been told back at his own camp, at just shy of two months, the little kits were likely running around and might be speaking already. Having spent so much time around the other races, he could only laugh at how much easier his people had it when dealing with children.
Estin closed his eyes and fell back against the cliff face. The sharp rocks against his back—even through the bearskin cloak—were a welcome feeling in the absence of any others.
*
Waking after a good sleep, Estin realized that it was nearing noon. Normally, he tried to be awake the whole time he was at his hiding place, but the exertion at Altis had made that impossible.
He scanned the village, trying to get a feeling for what he had missed.
The village was fairly active, but like his own breed, the foxes tended to be most active at night, so the village still was hours from it’s peak of activity. He watched idly, munching some of his remaining food, not even knowing what to watch for. This was how it always was, with him watching mostly for the sake of feeling that he was protecting someone, even if he could not point to any actions he had taken that truly helped.
As this was the first time that Estin had come since Feanne had given birth to the twins, it was them he hoped to see, rather than Feanne. Seeing her hurt him to the soul and he had no desire to endure that again just yet, but he really wanted to look on the kits, if only to know what more he had lost out on. The children at his own camp he had begun caring for out of loyalty to the pack, but Feanne’s he just wanted to see.
Leaning forward, Estin managed to spot the two kits running around in the trees near the bottom of the cliff, chasing each other and giggling. Without realizing it, he found himself smiling sadly. They were adorable little puffballs, their fur a reddish-black that stood out on the melting snow. Idly, he wondered what the children would have been like if things had been different and he had been able to stay with Feanne.
Movement caught Estin’s eye and he shifted on the cliff, trying not to dislodge any of the loose rock. Not far down the edge of the cliff, he could see a mountain lion—not a wildling—creeping through the trees towards the two kits. At first he thought it coincidental, but then saw that it was staring in their direction. The animals were not uncommon in this area, but approaching civilized areas was. Given the rough winter, the beast looked half-starved.
Hopping to his knees, Esitn tried to find Feanne through the trees. He spotted her at last, back near her hut, working over a steaming pot. She was watching the kits, but not the woods. By the time she smelled or saw the cougar, it would be too late. Even if he yelled to her, he guessed that she would spend more time trying to figure out who was shouting than he could afford.
Fear gripping him at the idea of the defenseless kits getting mauled, Estin began trying to find a way to scare off the cougar. He grabbed several small rocks, throwing them as hard as he could in that direction, but the animal was too focused to look up as they hit the trees around it.
Swearing, Estin leaned out over the ledge, scanning the sheer surface below his hiding place. The rocks were rough, but far smoother than he would have liked, giving him no points to easily grab or land on. Worse still, there were no good hiding places between the cougar and the two kits.
He braced himself and flipped around to face the cliff face, then began climbing down as fast as he could manage. It was taking too much time, and a check over his shoulder confirmed that the cougar was within twenty feet of the kits, who still giggled and ran in circles, lost in a game of tag with one another.
Gritting his teeth, Estin released his grip and slid down the cliff face, tumbling as he hit the bottom hard. His joints ached from the impact, but fear for another was far more consuming. He got right to his feet and ran towards the kits, the cougar now within range to jump on either of them at any moment.
Snarling as animalistic rage took over, Estin leapt, catching the cougar mid-jump and crashing to the ground with the growling animal in his grip. They rolled and kicked at each other, each fighting for control over the other. Fangs snapped near Estin’s face and he reacted in kind, driving his claws into its neck on one side, even as he bit it from the other. They struggled for a long time, each growling and struggling with the other, until the cougar finally fell silent, collapsing in Estin’s arms, its throat torn.
Estin dropped the beast as he knelt there, gagging as he spit blood from his mouth and wiping it from both his jaw and numerous cuts on his torso that had gotten through the thick hides he wore. Numbly, he touched his chest and repeated the magical phrases Asrahn had taught him, closing the injuries and restoring a tiny amount of his strength.
Still dazed and winded from the fight, Estin looked around…then froze as the two kits stared at him from the sides of a tree nearby. Wide-eyed, they clung to the tree’s bark, as though expecting him to maul them next.
“I will not hurt you,” he told them, trying not to sound like the crazy guy that had just torn apart a cougar with his bare hands. “It would have.”
The kits—a male and a female he noted—retreated slightly, cowering behind the edge of the tree.
Somewhere behind the trees, Estin heard Feanne’s voice call out, “Atall! Oria! Where are you?”
“You had better go,” Estin told the kits, smiling. He held a finger to his mouth. “Please don’t tell.”
The male, Atall, ran off, but Oria marched up to him, her little face angry.
“Mommy would have protected us,” she told him, thumping her tiny paw into his arm. “She says we don’t need guards. Tell daddy to stop making mommy mad!”
Estin laughed and ruffled the child’s head fur as she continued to glower at him.
“You’re right and I’m sorry. Your mommy would be able to protect you from anything.”
The little fox nodded vigorously, crossing her arms and glaring at him as though waiting for his departure. She was shivering in the cold snow, but seemed very determined to stay there. The very picture of her mother, thought Estin.
Somewhere nearby, Estin heard Feanne call again. She was getting close now and sounded concerned.
“I’ll go,” he told the child, pulling the bearskin from his shoulders. He draped it over her shoulders, practically burying the little fox female. She poked her face out of the long fur, though Estin could only really see her muzzle. “This was your mother’s once. It’ll keep you warm. Don’t tell her where you got it or she’ll be mad at us both.”
Little Oria pulled up the bottom of the pelt to get it off the ground and hurried off, looking over her shoulder once at him as she scurried back towards the mud hut.
Still kneeling in the snow, Estin smiled sadly as he watched the kit go, amused with her tiny footprints in the snow and black-tipped tail sticking out from under the bears
kin. She was utterly adorable and he wanted to go congratulate Feanne on two lovely children…but knew he could not. He then got to his feet and began the long march home.
*
Hours later, Estin approached his own camp, finding the perimeter active and quite mobile. As he neared, half a dozen males of varying breeds rushed out, hesitated, then went past him, scouring the woods.
He watched all this, then continued towards Asrahn’s tent to let her know that he had returned. He got almost to the entrance when Ulra came bounding up, panting.
“Lihuan was looking for you,” she said, as though that told him what was expected of him.
“Then tell him I have returned. I’ll be with Asrahn, studying.”
“He wants to see you.”
“That is an awful shame, as I have no desire to see him.”
Ulra growled at him, standing straighter. Since the embarrassment of Lihuan at Insrin’s hands, Lihuan had been treated by most of the camp as too weak to survive as the pack’s leader much longer. This had prompted a dramatic change in Ulra’s behavior in turn, seeking to enforce his will at every turn, violently if needed. Attitudes like Estin’s were tolerated by some, but Ulra rarely would. Estin was willing to bet that Ulra would be just as happy to drag his body before Lihuan, since he had stopped speaking to their pack-leader.
“Fine. Lead the way.”
He followed Ulra through the camp to Lihuan’s large tent, stepping inside at her urging.
The inside of the tent was not like Estin remembered it. When last he had entered months before, the place had been well-organized and moderately spartan. Now, the place was badly lit, with thin streams of water running through unpatched holes in the tent’s cloth. The pile of furs that had once made up Lihuan’s bedding were now mostly scattered, with several torn to shreds at one end of the room.
“Sit down,” croaked Lihuan, sitting atop the remaining furs, slouching forward and held up mostly by his cane. “You will speak with me.”
Estin flopped in the middle of the room and waited, offering nothing.
“My mate tells me I have wronged many people,” he continued slowly. Had Estin not met him before, he would have guessed him far older than he was. It was as though the elder had aged a decade over the winter months. “I seek to know how much harm I have caused.”
“Then why ask me?”
Lihuan pushed himself upright to look at Estin. It was then that Estin saw that Lihuan had lost considerable weight. The elder looked as though he were wasting away. The camp had been somewhat short on food through the winter, but Estin knew there was enough for everyone to get by. As the apprentice healer, he would have known if anyone were starving for good reason.
“I have some who still answer me. I know that you are not one of them.”
“Again, then why ask me? You lost your status as my pack-leader long ago.”
“We shall start with me wondering how I have wronged you that you hate me so.”
Estin fidgeted, trying to find a delicate way to dissuade the direction of the conversation. He felt like he could not escape Lihuan’s stare and finally resorted to most of the truth.
“You sold your daughter for the pack’s profit. Do I need more reason?”
Leaning hard on his cane, Lihuan sighed softly.
“No. You do not. Asrahn has much the same reason for hating me and I doubt she will ever forgive me. When we first argued over this, I saw no sense in her ranting. Feanne was willing to go along with the arrangement and it was made at a time when this pack was starving and in need of supplies. It was desperation, Estin. It was the best idea I could come up with to save us at the time.
“Insrin’s return surprised me…maybe more than it did Feanne. He held me to my word, something I do not break lightly, nor does Feanne. I did not realize then how much he hated the other breeds. Because I am mated to a half-breed and allow any breed to come and go from my pack, he has no respect for me and no intention of allowing me to ever see my child again.”
Estin sat silently.
“I need to know how Feanne is doing. Happy or sad, I need to know before…,” Lihuan stopped talking and looked down at the floor.
“You’re letting yourself die slowly,” Estin observed bitterly. The sagging flesh, the lost weight, the dry nose…his healer’s instincts saw it all clearly. Had it been anyone else, he would have held them down and force-fed them. Lihuan, he had enough anger towards that he could look the other way. “You want to know what came of your great mistake before you die.”
Lihuan nodded, checking the entrance to the tent.
“I do not wish others to know. Already, some are fighting for the right to lead the pack. I will not give them more cause. I have done more than enough to damage this pack.”
“Be that as it may, why bring me here?”
“You were her friend,” Lihuan said, broaching no debate. “I could see it in how you two interacted. I also know that you watch out for her still.”
Estin froze, wondering if Lihuan was just fishing for information.
“Yes, Estin, I know you have been going there. I have spies who obey me still.”
“Then what would you have of me?”
Lihuan lifted a shaking hand and picked up a tightly-rolled piece of rough parchment that had been tied off and sealed with wax. He held it out to Estin, who took it from him.
“I am forbidden to approach their village. You will deliver this. You do not need to speak to her. In fact, for your safety, it may be best if you were not seen in that camp. Just ensure she gets the note and then watch from afar. If there is any reply, please bring it back to me. It is the only thing I will ever ask of you again, Estin.”
Estin stood, still holding the parchment and began to leave Lihuan, stopping as he reached the entrance. Turning slightly, he caught Lihuan’s eyes, debating whether the words on his mind should be uttered. He finally decided that he had to tell Lihuan.
“You have grandchildren,” he began, “named Atall and Oria. A male and a female. I thought you might want to know, as you might never get to see them.”
That said, Estin left the tent quickly, biting back any sympathy as he heard Lihuan’s sobs behind him. As much as he did not tell Lihuan to hurt him, knowing that Estin’s pain was shared was some degree of relief for him.
Traveling straight to Asrahn’s tent, he slid inside without announcing himself and took a seat where he usually did for their training sessions, staring at the tiny fire she usually kept smoldering at the center of the tent, surrounded by the circle of stones for bringing the dead back. Now, he just stared at the embers, waiting for Asrahn to approach from the corner where she sat, sipping at tea.
“What has happened, child?” asked the old female, coming over and sitting beside him. “This is not the calm student I had begun to expect. I see anger in you.”
“Lihuan wants me to deliver a note to Feanne,” he explained, lifting the parchment in front of him. He turned it so that he could see the three scratch lines in the wax that were Lihuan’s mark. “He is looking for forgiveness before he dies.”
Asrahn’s face sunk and she took the note from his hands, setting it near the smoldering embers.
“Would you allow him to be forgiven for what he has done, or would you have him suffer to the last of his days?”
Estin shook his head, unsure.
“I want him to suffer as I have,” he admitted. “I want him to know the harm he caused. You teach that I am supposed to help and to heal. This is one topic that makes me want to watch people bleed and die. I think I honestly could watch Lihuan starve to death and not regret a moment.”
Asrahn picked up the parchment with her claws and held it to the coals, sparking the end aflame.
Reacting immediately, Estin grabbed the paper from her, snuffing the flames.
“So you do not hate as much as you thought,” she said, sitting back. “Will you deliver it, though?”
He mulled that as he let his fingers slide
over the rough parchment and the thick seal on it, brushing away the charred bits on the end of the parchment.
“I will find a way. I owe it to her, not him.”
They sat there, both staring at the embers for a long time, until Estin looked up at Asrahn.
“You chide me about my anger, but why are you still here?”
“What do you mean, child? I am not angry about being here. I have tea here.”
He motioned at the tent.
“You left your life-mate because of anger. He’s stopped eating and mostly stopped drinking and will die within the week. Still, you sit here in your own tent, not even telling him he’s being foolish. You let the rest of the camp tear itself apart as the younger members argue over his position.”
“Some things are more complicated than just loving someone.”
Estin shook his head.
“No, you are being selfish, if I may say so. I had a week with the one I loved and it changed my life. You have had a lifetime, only to throw away what may be the last few years together over a disagreement. An awful disagreement, but still just an argument at heart. I would have argued every day for the rest of my life to have Feanne, but now I have to find a way to move on. Why would you let this end your relationship? I just don’t understand.”
Smoothing her clothing, Asrahn glared at Estin briefly, then stood and picked up a pitcher of water and a loaf of bread. She kicked a leather-bound book into Estin’s lap as she left the tent. She also rolled a small cloth-wrapped package over to him from where it had been hidden under a blanket.
“Read all those and study on your own a while,” she said, departing. “I need to tend to an idiot that won’t do it for himself.”
Estin smiled to himself, sliding the parchment into his belt pouch. He reclined onto his side and opened the book, finding that it was Asrahn’s spellbook, filled with her own version of the notes he had taken for months. Just inside the cover, he found a folded piece of paper, which he set aside for the moment.
