by Stephen King
O man who has everything, thy name is Goodhugh, Streeter thought, and smiled at his old friend.
His old friend smiled back, and touched the neck of his beer bottle to Streeter's. "Life is good, wouldn't you say?"
"Very good," Streeter agreed. "Long days and pleasant nights."
Goodhugh raised his eyebrows. "Where'd you get that?"
"Made it up, I guess," Streeter said. "But it's true, isn't it?"
"If it is, I owe a lot of my pleasant nights to you," Goodhugh said. "It has crossed my mind, old buddy, that I owe you my life." He toasted his insane backyard. "The tenderloin part of it, anyway."
"Nah, you're a self-made man."
Goodhugh lowered his voice and spoke confidentially. "Want the truth? The woman made this man. The Bible says 'Who can find a good woman? For her price is above rubies.' Something like that, anyway. And you introduced us. Don't know if you remember that."
Streeter felt a sudden and almost irresistible urge to smash his beer bottle on the patio bricks and shove the jagged and still foaming neck into his old friend's eyes. He smiled instead, sipped a little more beer, then stood up. "Think I need to pay a little visit to the facility."
"You don't buy beer, you only rent it," Goodhugh said, then burst out laughing. As if he had invented this himself, right on the spot.
"Truer words, et cetera," Streeter said. "Excuse me."
"You really are looking better," Goodhugh called after him as Streeter mounted the steps.
"Thanks," Streeter said. "Old buddy."
He closed the bathroom door, pushed in the locking button, turned on the lights, and--for the first time in his life--swung open the medicine cabinet door in another person's house. The first thing his eye lighted on cheered him immensely: a tube of Just For Men shampoo. There were also a few prescription bottles.
Streeter thought, People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble. Not that there was anything sensational: Norma had asthma medicine; Tom was taking blood pressure medicine--Atenolol--and using some sort of skin cream.
The Atenolol bottle was half full. Streeter took one of the tablets, tucked it into the watch-pocket of his jeans, and flushed the toilet. Then he left the bathroom, feeling like a man who has just snuck across the border of a strange country.
The following evening was overcast, but George Elvid was still sitting beneath the yellow umbrella and once again watching Inside Edition on his portable TV. The lead story had to do with Whitney Houston, who had lost a suspicious amount of weight shortly after signing a huge new recording contract. Elvid disposed of this rumor with a twist of his pudgy fingers and regarded Streeter with a smile.
"How have you been feeling, Dave?"
"Better."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
"Vomiting?"
"Not today."
"Eating?"
"Like a horse."
"And I'll bet you've had some medical tests."
"How did you know?"
"I'd expect no less of a successful bank official. Did you bring me something?"
For a moment Streeter considered walking away. He really did. Then he reached into the pocket of the light jacket he was wearing (the evening was chilly for August, and he was still on the thin side) and brought out a tiny square of Kleenex. He hesitated, then handed it across the table to Elvid, who unwrapped it.
"Ah, Atenolol," Elvid said. He popped the pill into his mouth and swallowed.
Streeter's mouth opened, then closed slowly.
"Don't look so shocked," Elvid said. "If you had a high-stress job like mine, you'd have blood pressure problems, too. And the reflux I suffer from, oy. You don't want to know."
"What happens now?" Streeter asked. Even in the jacket, he felt cold.
"Now?" Elvid looked surprised. "Now you start enjoying your fifteen years of good health. Possibly twenty or even twenty-five. Who knows?"
"And happiness?"
Elvid favored him with the roguish look. It would have been amusing if not for the coldness Streeter saw just beneath. And the age. In that moment he felt certain that George Elvid had been doing business for a very long time, reflux or no reflux. "The happiness part is up to you, Dave. And your family, of course--Janet, May, and Justin."
Had he told Elvid their names? Streeter couldn't remember.
"Perhaps the children most of all. There's an old saying to the effect that children are our hostages to fortune, but in fact it's the children who take the parents hostage, that's what I think. One of them could have a fatal or disabling accident on a deserted country road... fall prey to a debilitating disease..."
"Are you saying--"
"No, no, no! This isn't some half-assed morality tale. I'm a businessman, not a character out of 'The Devil and Daniel Webster.' All I'm saying is that your happiness is in your hands and those of your nearest and dearest. And if you think I'm going to show up two decades or so down the line to collect your soul in my moldy old pocketbook, you'd better think again. The souls of humans have become poor and transparent things."
He spoke, Streeter thought, as the fox might have done after repeated leaps had proved to it that the grapes were really and truly out of reach. But Streeter had no intention of saying such a thing. Now that the deal was done, all he wanted to do was get out of here. But still he lingered, not wanting to ask the question that was on his mind but knowing he had to. Because there was no gift-giving going on here; Streeter had been making deals in the bank for most of his life, and he knew a horse-trade when he saw one. Or when he smelled it: a faint, unpleasant stink like burned aviation fuel.
In words of one syllable, you have to do the dirty to someone else if the dirty is to be lifted from you.
But stealing a single hypertension pill wasn't exactly doing the dirty. Was it?
Elvid, meanwhile, was yanking his big umbrella closed. And when it was furled, Streeter observed an amazing and disheartening fact: it wasn't yellow at all. It was as gray as the sky. Summer was almost over.
"Most of my clients are perfectly satisfied, perfectly happy. Is that what you want to hear?"
It was... and wasn't.
"I sense you have a more pertinent question," Elvid said. "If you want an answer, quit beating around the bush and ask it. It's going to rain, and I want to get undercover before it does. The last thing I need at my age is bronchitis."
"Where's your car?"
"Oh, was that your question?" Elvid sneered openly at him. His cheeks were lean, not in the least pudgy, and his eyes turned up at the corners, where the whites shaded to an unpleasant and--yes, it was true--cancerous black. He looked like the world's least pleasant clown, with half his makeup removed.
"Your teeth," Streeter said stupidly. "They have points."
"Your question, Mr. Streeter!"
"Is Tom Goodhugh going to get cancer?"
Elvid gaped for a moment, then started to giggle. The sound was wheezy, dusty, and unpleasant--like a dying calliope.
"No, Dave," he said. "Tom Goodhugh isn't going to get cancer. Not him."
"What, then? What?"
The contempt with which Elvid surveyed him made Streeter's bones feel weak--as if holes had been eaten in them by some painless but terribly corrosive acid. "Why would you care? You hate him, you said so yourself."
"But--"
"Watch. Wait. Enjoy. And take this." He handed Streeter a business card. Written on it was THE NON-SECTARIAN CHILDREN'S FUND and the address of a bank in the Cayman Islands.
"Tax haven," Elvid said. "You'll send my fifteen percent there. If you short me, I'll know. And then woe is you, kiddo."
"What if my wife finds out and asks questions?"
"Your wife has a personal checkbook. Beyond that, she never looks at a thing. She trusts you. Am I right?"
"Well..." Streeter observed with no surprise that the raindrops striking Elvid's hands and arms smoked and sizzled. "Yes."
"Of course I am. Our dealing is do
ne. Get out of here and go back to your wife. I'm sure she'll welcome you with open arms. Take her to bed. Stick your mortal penis in her and pretend she's your best friend's wife. You don't deserve her, but lucky you."
"What if I want to take it back," Streeter whispered.
Elvid favored him with a stony smile that revealed a jutting ring of cannibal teeth. "You can't," he said.
That was in August of 2001, less than a month before the fall of the Towers.
In December (on the same day Winona Ryder was busted for shoplifting, in fact), Dr. Roderick Henderson proclaimed Dave Streeter cancer-free--and, in addition, a bona fide miracle of the modern age.
"I have no explanation for this," Henderson said.
Streeter did, but kept his silence.
Their consultation took place in Henderson's office. At Derry Home Hospital, in the conference room where Streeter had looked at the first pictures of his miraculously cured body, Norma Goodhugh sat in the same chair where Streeter had sat, looking at less pleasant MRI scans. She listened numbly as her doctor told her--as gently as possible--that the lump in her left breast was indeed cancer, and it had spread to her lymph nodes.
"The situation is bad, but not hopeless," the doctor said, reaching across the table to take Norma's cold hand. He smiled. "We'll want to start you on chemotherapy immediately."
In June of the following year, Streeter finally got his promotion. May Streeter was admitted to the Columbia School of Journalism grad school. Streeter and his wife took a long-deferred Hawaii vacation to celebrate. They made love many times. On their last day in Maui, Tom Goodhugh called. The connection was bad and he could hardly talk, but the message got through: Norma had died.
"We'll be there for you," Streeter promised.
When he told Janet the news, she collapsed on the hotel bed, weeping with her hands over her face. Streeter lay down beside her, held her close, and thought: Well, we were going home, anyway. And although he felt bad about Norma (and sort of bad for Tom), there was an upside: they had missed bug season, which could be a bitch in Derry.
In December, Streeter sent a check for just over fifteen thousand dollars to The Non-Sectarian Children's Fund. He took it as a deduction on his tax return.
In 2003, Justin Streeter made the Dean's List at Brown and--as a lark--invented a video game called Walk Fido Home. The object of the game was to get your leashed dog back from the mall while avoiding bad drivers, objects falling from tenth-story balconies, and a pack of crazed old ladies who called themselves the Canine-Killing Grannies. To Streeter it sounded like a joke (and Justin assured them it was meant as a satire), but Games, Inc. took one look and paid their handsome, good-humored son seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars for the rights. Plus royalties. Jus bought his parents matching Toyota Pathfinder SUVs, pink for the lady, blue for the gentleman. Janet wept and hugged him and called him a foolish, impetuous, generous, and altogether splendid boy. Streeter took him to Roxie's Tavern and bought him a Spotted Hen Microbrew.
In October, Carl Goodhugh's roommate at Emerson came back from class to find Carl facedown on the kitchen floor of their apartment with the grilled cheese sandwich he'd been making for himself still smoking in the frypan. Although only twenty-two years of age, Carl had suffered a heart attack. The doctors attending the case pinpointed a congenital heart defect--something about a thin atrial wall--that had gone undetected. Carl didn't die; his roommate got to him just in time and knew CPR. But he suffered oxygen deprivation, and the bright, handsome, physically agile young man who had not long before toured Europe with Justin Streeter became a shuffling shadow of his former self. He was not always continent, he got lost if he wandered more than a block or two from home (he had moved back with his still-grieving father), and his speech had become a blurred blare that only Tom could understand. Goodhugh hired a companion for him. The companion administered physical therapy and saw that Carl changed his clothes. He also took Carl on biweekly "outings." The most common "outing" was to Wishful Dishful Ice Cream, where Carl would always get a pistachio cone and smear it all over his face. Afterward the companion would clean him up, patiently, with Wet-Naps.
Janet stopped going with Streeter to dinner at Tom's. "I can't bear it," she confessed. "It's not the way Carl shuffles, or how he sometimes wets his pants--it's the look in his eyes, as if he remembers how he was, and can't quite remember how he got to where he is now. And... I don't know... there's always something hopeful in his face that makes me feel like everything in life is a joke."
Streeter knew what she meant, and often considered the idea during his dinners with his old friend (without Norma to cook, it was now mostly takeout). He enjoyed watching Tom feed his damaged son, and he enjoyed the hopeful look on Carl's face. The one that said, "This is all a dream I'm having, and soon I'll wake up." Jan was right, it was a joke, but it was sort of a good joke.
If you really thought about it.
In 2004, May Streeter got a job with the Boston Globe and declared herself the happiest girl in the USA. Justin Streeter created Rock the House, which would be a perennial bestseller until the advent of Guitar Hero made it obsolete. By then Jus had moved on to a music composition computer program called You Moog Me, Baby. Streeter himself was appointed manager of his bank branch, and there were rumors of a regional post in his future. He took Janet to Cancun, and they had a fabulous time. She began calling him "my nuzzle-bunny."
Tom's accountant at Goodhugh Waste Removal embezzled two million dollars and departed for parts unknown. The subsequent accounting review revealed that the business was on very shaky ground; that bad old accountant had been nibbling away for years, it seemed.
Nibbling? Streeter thought, reading the story in The Derry News. Taking it a chomp at a time is more like it.
Tom no longer looked thirty-five; he looked sixty. And must have known it, because he stopped dying his hair. Streeter was delighted to see that it hadn't gone white underneath the artificial color; Goodhugh's hair was the dull and listless gray of Elvid's umbrella when he had furled it. The hair-color, Streeter decided, of the old men you see sitting on park benches and feeding the pigeons. Call it Just For Losers.
In 2005, Jacob the football player, who had gone to work in his father's dying company instead of to college (which he could have attended on a full-boat athletic scholarship), met a girl and got married. Bubbly little brunette named Cammy Dorrington. Streeter and his wife agreed it was a beautiful ceremony, even though Carl Goodhugh hooted, gurgled, and burbled all the way through it, and even though Goodhugh's oldest child--Gracie--tripped over the hem of her dress on the church steps as she was leaving, fell down, and broke her leg in two places. Until that happened, Tom Goodhugh had looked almost like his former self. Happy, in other words. Streeter did not begrudge him a little happiness. He supposed that even in hell, people got an occasional sip of water, if only so they could appreciate the full horror of unrequited thirst when it set in again.
The honeymooning couple went to Belize. I'll bet it rains the whole time, Streeter thought. It didn't, but Jacob spent most of the week in a run-down hospital, suffering from violent gastroenteritis and pooping into paper didies. He had only drunk bottled water, but then forgot and brushed his teeth from the tap. "My own darn fault," he said.
Over eight hundred US troops died in Iraq. Bad luck for those boys and girls.
Tom Goodhugh began to suffer from gout, developed a limp, started using a cane.
That year's check to The Non-Sectarian Children's Fund was of an extremely good size, but Streeter didn't begrudge it. It was more blessed to give than to receive. All the best people said so.
In 2006, Tom's daughter Gracie fell victim to pyorrhea and lost all her teeth. She also lost her sense of smell. One night shortly thereafter, at Goodhugh and Streeter's weekly dinner (it was just the two men; Carl's attendant had taken Carl on an "outing"), Tom Goodhugh broke down in tears. He had given up microbrews in favor of Bombay Sapphire gin, and he was very drunk. "I don't underst
and what's happened to me!" he sobbed. "I feel like... I don't know... fucking Job!"
Streeter took him in his arms and comforted him. He told his old friend that clouds always roll in, and sooner or later they always roll out.
"Well, these clouds have been here a fuck of a long time!" Goodhugh cried, and thumped Streeter on the back with a closed fist. Streeter didn't mind. His old friend wasn't as strong as he used to be.
Charlie Sheen, Tori Spelling, and David Hasselhoff got divorces, but in Derry, David and Janet Streeter celebrated their thirtieth wedding anniversary. There was a party. Toward the end of it, Streeter escorted his wife out back. He had arranged fireworks. Everybody applauded except for Carl Goodhugh. He tried, but kept missing his hands. Finally the former Emerson student gave up on the clapping thing and pointed at the sky, hooting.
In 2007, Kiefer Sutherland went to jail (not for the first time) on DUI charges, and Gracie Goodhugh Dickerson's husband was killed in a car crash. A drunk driver veered into his lane while Andy Dickerson was on his way home from work. The good news was that the drunk wasn't Kiefer Sutherland. The bad news was that Gracie Dickerson was four months pregnant and broke. Her husband had let his life insurance lapse to save on expenses. Gracie moved back in with her father and her brother Carl.
"With their luck, that baby will be born deformed," Streeter said one night as he and his wife lay in bed after making love.
"Hush!" Janet cried, shocked.
"If you say it, it won't come true," Streeter explained, and soon the two nuzzle-bunnies were asleep in each other's arms.
That year's check to the Children's Fund was for thirty thousand dollars. Streeter wrote it without a qualm.
Gracie's baby came at the height of a February snowstorm in 2008. The good news was that it wasn't deformed. The bad news was that it was born dead. That damned family heart defect. Gracie--toothless, husbandless, and unable to smell anything--dropped into a deep depression. Streeter thought that demonstrated her basic sanity. If she had gone around whistling "Don't Worry, Be Happy," he would have advised Tom to lock up all the sharp objects in the house.
