When I finally had a moment to take my break, I saw that I had a missed text from Joe. We really needed to talk—to spend some time together. That had become increasingly clear to me over the past few days.
Going out with the guys for some drinks. Wanna join?
At least he had invited me. I knew that it was only a gesture, though.
I was thinking maybe we could get take-out and meet up at my place?
Babe. No can do. I already have plans.
Fair enough. I couldn’t be angry at him for not taking me up on a last-minute dinner idea. I’d have to plan an evening for us—a time when we could really talk and I could finally feel better about everything that had been bothering me.
Okay. No worries. I’m tired, so staying in. Thanks for the invite. Love you.
“Please tell me you love me.” My heart was racing and I sensed the absurdity of how I was feeling about this man I’d been in love with for over four years.
Love you too babe.
I let out the breath that I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. Joe loved me. Everything was going to be alright.
Chapter 4
I watched Zara’s face carefully as I recounted my conversation with Joe to her in the slightly noisy cafe. Even though she’d only officially been my life coach for the past few weeks, Zara and I had gotten to be good friends during the past months. She was someone I trusted to tell me the truth and give me advice that I knew might be challenging at times.
I had to admire her for her professionalism. I felt myself smile as I waited for her face to change—for some telltale sign that she had my back and thought that Joe was way out of line in how he was talking to me. But Zara seemed to be true to her coaching goals, remaining neutral and steadfast in her support of my coming to my own careful conclusions.
“So, are you and Joe okay now? Or is there some friction there?”
I took a few seconds to think about her question before I answered. I felt confused when it came to my relationship with Joe.
“No, not friction exactly. I mean, if you were to ask Joe, he’d probably say that everything is normal—that we’re just fine.”
“But?”
“But I don’t think we’re fine at all. Half the time, I’m not even sure that he loves me any more.” I was trying to keep the tears in, but one look at the compassion on Zara’s face was all it took to send me reaching for a napkin.
“It’s okay to cry, Nicole.” She reached across the table to put her hand on my arm, the gesture making me cry all the more.
“I know. It’s just that I’ve been trying so hard to make things okay—to get myself motivated to—” I caught myself before saying the words that I knew would sound pathetic—the words that sounded pathetic even to my own ear.
“To what?” Zara was looking at me carefully. “You can tell me anything you know. I won’t judge you. All of this works best when you’re being honest—with yourself, I mean.”
I nodded my head, the truth of her words hitting me hard. Yes, there was no sense hiding behind anything. If I was determined to change my life, then I had to stop lying to myself.
“I was just going to say that I’m trying to get myself motivated to finally lose all of this weight that I’ve gained.” I looked down at my coffee, not wanting to see Zara’s face when I said the words that were really in my head. “To get back to a place where Joe would be happy with me again.” I looked up to meet her eyes. “So that I’d feel that he was into me again—physically, I mean.”
Zara was nodding her head, and I admired her restraint. In her role as a friend to me, I felt sure that I knew what her words would be and that they’d be quick. But she took her position as a life coach very seriously, and we’d both agreed that if we were going to add this layer to our relationship, she’d try hard to remain professional with me, not letting her own feelings get in the way of her advice remaining neutral. She took a moment to write something down in her notebook before she turned back to me.
“Nicole, do you think it’s possible that you’re putting too much focus on what Joe wants?”
I nodded my head. Yes, that was entirely possible and accurate. I didn’t even have to think about it for a second.
“Okay. So what about you? Let’s pretend that Joe doesn’t enter into the equation.”
I felt my body stiffen, because even as she said the words my mind was spinning. Joe’s leaving me was my worse fear. Truly. I didn’t know if I could handle it if he left me.
“Hypothetically, I mean—we’re not talking about you and Joe not being together. I just think that you’re so focused on him and your relationship with him, that you’re not really thinking about your own needs and what you want in your life. That’s all.”
“I know you’re right. And I guess that’s something I can figure out during these sessions. I don’t want to waste time—yours or mine—talking about something that doesn’t even matter or something that I can’t actually change.”
“Well, first of all, all of this matters—how you’re feeling. Of course, it’s going to play a part in the decisions that you make and how you want your life to move forward. So, that’s all valid, and I’m not at all saying that you shouldn’t talk about your feelings—about Joe. I just want to be sure that we can direct some of our conversations to your goals—to the things that you want to implement in your life.”
I nodded my head. Everything that Zara was saying made sense to me.
“And, second of all, I’m also not saying that you can’t make weight loss and fitness goals, if that’s something that you want to change in your life. I only want to be sure that you’re approaching it from the point of view of doing it for yourself, because it’s something that will make you feel good, and not just because of how you think others perceive you—including Joe.”
“I think I understand. I mean, I’ve learned so much from you in that department—from watching you go after what you’ve wanted in your own life without everything else having to be perfect.”
“You mean, in regards to my own weight loss?”
I nodded. Zara was amazing to me in that regard. She wasn’t a small woman—but she had more confidence than any other woman I knew. She and her boyfriend Braden worked out a lot together and he seemed to appreciate everything about her, including her curves, even though I knew that, as a personal trainer himself, he was way into health and fitness.
Why can’t Joe be more like Braden?
I didn’t bother to stop the sigh that was audible, as I opened my own notebook and looked across the table at Zara.
“Are you ready to get some clarity about your own goals?” She smiled at me, and I felt the slightest shift inside me as I nodded my head again.
It was time to figure out what I wanted for my own life. It was time for me to finally start living for me.
Chapter 5
I thought about the question that Zara had asked me, my pen poised above my notebook, ready to start writing all of the ideas that I thought were sure to come to me at any moment.
What did I want—really want my life to look like? How is it that I can’t seem to think of a single thing that doesn’t relate to either my relationship with Joe or my desire to get all of this stupid weight off me?
“Nicole?”
I’d been totally spacing out. I looked back over at Zara, who had looked up from writing in her own journal. “Yeah? I’m being totally weird about all this, aren’t I? Am I hopeless?” I laughed, hoping to mask my own insecurities about how I was feeling about the whole process.
Zara flashed that huge grin of reassurance that I’d come to really appreciate from her.
“No. No, of course not. This isn’t a test. It’s not something to get worked up about—and we don’t have to be in any big hurry, ya know. This whole process is about you and what will best work for you.”
I felt myself relaxing again, remembering why I’d wanted Zara to help me in the first place.
She continued, “I
have an idea.”
I was open to any ideas at this point. “What’s that?”
“Have you given any thought to the mantra suggestion?”
At our last session, Zara had given me an assignment to start brainstorming some possible affirmations or little phrases that I thought might resonate with me and help me to focus on the process ahead for me. She’d long since shared her favorite mantra with me and the rest of the B.I.G. Girls Club—warrior princess was what she called herself in her own head, and from all of her sharing, I knew that it had helped her to dig deep during some pretty critical periods of her own journey. I definitely wanted my own mantra—now that I could be ready for.
I shook my head. “No, sorry. I did think about it for a bit after our last session, but nothing was coming immediately to mind.”
“Okay, well, I have an idea. But let me preface this by saying that it needs to be something that has meaning for you, so if this isn’t the case, we’ll keep trying.”
I laughed. “I’m very open to your ideas.”
“Okay, so this might sound pretty simplistic at first, but based on the types of things we’ve been talking about I’m wondering if you need a simple reminder to help you to keep the focus on your life—your dreams. If that makes sense?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“How about It’s my time!—simple, straightforward, and I see it with an exclamation point.” Zara laughed. “I really want for you to start putting yourself first, just as we’ve been discussing.”
I smiled. It was a nice easy mantra and as I said it in my head, I could feel my body changing. It was my time. For the first time in a long while, I was really starting to feel empowered by that thought. “I like it. Yes.”
“Of course, you might have other ideas as you begin to get more clarity about your goals. As you know, I have more than a handful of my own go-to affirmations.”
I nodded. “It is my time, Zara. And I’m ready to do the work.”
She smiled back at me. “Okay, then. Let’s get a list going of all the possible ideas of things that you’d like to change or focus on right now in your life. You’re just brainstorming right now, so there are no limits here. Eventually you’ll choose one or two main areas to focus on, and then we’ll come up with a plan of action together to get you on your way to achieving that goal. Whenever you’re ready—let’s both write this list out in our notebooks.”
Instead of feeling my earlier insecurities and stress, I was finally starting to feel excited again, remembering why I’d enlisted Zara’s help in the first place. I didn’t hesitate to blurt out the first few things that were on my mind.
“Okay, well, I do want to lose weight, so I’m going to put that on my list.”
“Great—how about putting a positive spin on that and writing it down in terms of becoming healthier and more fit?” Zara winked as she wrote it in her own notebook.
I laughed. “Yes. Got it.”
“Next idea?”
“Well, I’m certainly not feeling very satisfied at work these days. Retail is not as stimulating to my senses as it once was—especially since it’s been a long time since I’ve fit into the clothes in the shop.”
“Ah, not able to take advantage of the discount that I’m sure you get?”
“Exactly.” I laughed. “If it weren’t for Annie and Taylor, I’m sure I’d be long gone by now.”
Zara quirked an eyebrow. “Who’s Taylor?”
Oh, man. Was that a blush I actually felt hitting my cheeks? “Oh, no one. Just one of my managers at work.”
“Okay. I’ll be noting this information for a later time—when we’re not in an official meeting.” Zara laughed, and I knew that I’d most likely be getting the third degree later.
“So, back to your work thoughts. Do you have an idea of something else that you’d like to be doing? What were you doing for work before the shop, by the way?”
Zara and I really hadn’t discussed much about my life before I’d met Joe—before my whole world starting revolving around him and his rock-’n’-roll lifestyle.
“Oh, uh—I’ve pretty much always worked in retail, but before I met Joe, I was in a band myself—smaller gigs—nothing that was actually paying the bills or anything.”
“Really?” Zara looked amused. “How is it that I never knew this about you?”
“Oh, I don’t talk about it much any more. It seems like forever ago.”
Zara was nodding, and I could almost see the questions forming in her head, but I also knew it was about time for our session to be over. As if reading my mind, she looked at the time on her phone.
“Well, that went fast. I have an assignment for you and an invitation.”
“Great, I’ll take the assignment first, please.” I was in great spirits about how the coaching was going and ready to throw myself into any assignment that was given to me.
“I’d like for you to really give some thought as to some possible work or career ideas for yourself. Try not to place limits on it with thoughts of education or anything that you think would hinder you at this point. This is just about listing your dream career ideas. And then we can move forward with that list for next time.”
“Got it. I can do that. It’s my time!” I laughed.
“And the invitation—Braden and I have a standing karaoke night out on Sundays. It’s just a small place with a few friends. Feel free to invite Joe, Maxine and anyone else you like. It’s all really just for fun, and it seems like maybe you could use a night out.”
“Okay. Maybe.” I knew the hesitation in my voice was apparent. “Can I text you later about it?”
“Sure. No pressure, but I think you’d have fun. I’ll text you the address anyway—so you have it. And you can let me know. But please think about it. And if Joe can’t come, I still think it might be good for you to get out.”
Zara was wearing the friend hat now—no longer my life coach in this moment.
I smiled. “I’ll let you know. Thanks for the great session and for the invitation.”
Chapter 6
I looked over at Maxine and wondered if she was thinking the same thing I was thinking about what we were watching on stage. I laughed when a few seconds later, she mouthed the words “so cute” to me. And they were adorable—Zara and Braden—as they belted out the lyrics to a romantic melody, not taking themselves or their singing too seriously; but at the same time I thought that they looked entirely serious about one another.
I’d been around the couple several times now, and it always impressed me that Braden was so attentive and loving towards Zara—but in a way that wasn’t stifling or weird. They just seemed to fit really well with one another.
I hadn’t really planned on going out to karaoke when I’d left Zara earlier that morning, but when Maxine called and I mentioned it to her, she thought it was a perfectly great thing for us to do. Like myself, Maxine had been in a bit of a rut lately and was really trying to get out more, so we’d vowed to support one another when it came to building up our self-confidence. This was the second time in the last few weeks that she and I had been out for some drinks, and I’d really been enjoying getting to know her better.
I brought my attention back to Zara and Braden as they made their way back to our table amidst the applause from everyone seated in the small dimly lit bar. Zara was laughing as Braden pulled her down on his lap and handed her the beer that she’d been sipping for most of the night.
“Darling, I think you need to let me buy you a proper drink after that.” Braden was laughing as he pulled Zara to him for a kiss.
My heart seemed to be beating faster for just watching the two together. I wanted Joe to look at me that way again—to know that kind of obvious love.
My thoughts were interrupted by the small binder of song titles that Zara had slid across the table toward me.
“Your turn to pick a song.” She laughed—probably at the funny look I must have on my face.
I hadn’t sung in ages and
I certainly hadn’t planned on it tonight.
“Nicole, what did you used to play in that band you were telling me about earlier today?”
I felt my face grow warm as all eyes turned toward me.
“You were in a band?” Maxine’s eyes were wide.
I nodded my head slowly, looking over to Zara and the question still lingering in the air. Beside her, Braden was grinning and passing out a next round of drinks that he’d ordered for everyone.
“Go on, Nicole. It’s just for fun,” he said as he lifted his beer up. “Cheers to a good time with new friends.”
I looked back at Zara, who looked like she was still waiting for my answer. I felt something inside me stir just the slightest bit as I opened up the binder to have a look for a certain song.
Braden pushed the small pad of paper and pen over to me. “Go on. Give it a try.”
Can I really do this?
I looked around at the small crowd of people, most of whom were my friends at the table where I’d been sitting all night. I looked over at Zara, who was smiling back at me. She knew what I was about to do—somehow in that moment, it felt like the most important decision in the world to me.
I smiled back at her as I got up and handed my piece of paper to the host, taking the microphone he handed me into my hand as if it had never been separated from me all those years ago.
It’s my time!
I heard the words clearly in my head as I took in a deep breath to calm my rattled nerves and waited for the track to start.
Chapter 7
I watched the screen for the words to come up, even though I knew the lyrics by heart.
I counted out the measures in my head—two more to go, now one more—and then I felt a slight shock as the first words came out clear, sounding just the way I’d imagined them seconds before within my head.
The Rockstar’s Girlfriend (B.I.G. Girls Club, Book 1) Page 2
