“So how are you feeling about that?”
I was sure there were a lot of other questions on Zara’s mind. She was doing a great job of trying to remain neutral.
“Ya know, I’m feeling good actually. I don’t want him back—not at all. I know now that it’s over. So really this is only about closure. Definitely for me, but maybe for him too. Ultimately, I’d hate to think that we couldn’t be amicable and maybe some time down the road even actually be friends. Who knows, right? It would just be nice after four years together if we could end it without hating one another. I don’t want that for me or for him. Does that make sense?”
Zara was nodding her head. “Yes, that makes perfect sense to me.”
I grinned back at her. For the first time in a long time, I felt like my life was finally starting to make perfect sense.
Chapter 27
Joe was looking at me without speaking. He wasn’t yelling, but he wasn’t reacting at all, so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. He looked a bit stunned about the latest news I’d just given him—that I was going to L.A. next week.
“Wow, Nic. That’s really great. Congratulations.”
“Thank you. It’s nice to hear you say that. I’ve been wondering how you’d react to it.”
“Well, I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t surprised.” He looked over at me and quickly continued. “I mean, not that I’m surprised about your talent, but just that something happened so quickly. I really hope it works out for you.” He slid closer to me on the couch and reached for my hand, but I pulled it away and got up to sit in the chair across from him.
“Nicole. Don’t be like that. I’d like to be there for you. It’s something we should be celebrating together.”
Right. And I don’t believe you.
“Look, Joe. I don’t wanna string you along here. I invited you over because I just wanted us to have one final conversation—hopefully without yelling and screaming, and so far that part seems to be going well.”
He was nodding, and he looked like he wanted to say something. But he waited for me to continue, instead.
“I’ve gotten a lot of clarity in my life lately and I can see now that it’s really time for us to move on from one another. If we’re being honest, we’ve not been happy together for a while now. I know that I haven’t been. I don’t think you’ve been happy with me either.”
Joe got up from the sofa to kneel down beside me, taking my hands in his.
“Baby. Don’t say that. Of course we belong together.”
I tried to take my hands out of his but he was holding them tight.
“Joe, we don’t. You know it’s true. I can’t continue like this. I don’t want to. Not any more.”
The expression on Joe’s face changed a little and I could sense his frustration. He stood up and walked back over to the sofa.
“So you’re just gonna give up on us? Just like that?”
I was trying not to get frustrated myself. It wasn’t like all of my feeling weren’t more than warranted. My mind flashed to the memory of the argument in the restaurant.
“You gave up on me a long time ago. I haven’t felt truly loved by you for a very long time now. I have my own insecurities—I know that doesn’t help anything—but the way you talk to me sometimes…it’s as if you don’t even like me, let alone love me. I’m not gonna deal with that any more. I’m just not.”
He looked over at me and I thought he was going to try one final time to convince me otherwise of everything I’d just said. But he got up to walk across the room to open the door instead. He turned to look at me.
“I hope you know what you’re doing, Nicole. Don’t come running back to me when your new music career crashes and burns.”
He closed the door and I watched him through my living room window as he walked to his truck.
“Goodbye, Joe.”
Chapter 28
I felt a real sense of peace as I drove to work. Joe hadn’t called or texted since we’d spoken the day before, and I felt sure that I wouldn’t be hearing from him again. I was ready to start a new life that didn’t include a boyfriend who couldn’t be supportive of me. I really had changed over the course of the past few months. It had been a long time coming but I was here now—no turning back, only looking forward.
Today was going to be another step in that direction. Today was the day I was going to give notice at work. I knew that Taylor was the manager on duty and that he’d be the best one to talk to about it. They wouldn’t have any issues with my leaving—they’d have no problem finding another hire to fill my shoes, and I was okay with that. It wasn’t where I belonged any more.
The only issue I had about it was that I’d not be seeing Annie and Taylor as much, if at all. They’d probably still meet me out once in a while, but I knew that it wouldn’t be the same, unless…I had to stop myself from thinking any other thoughts about Taylor. Quite possibly what I thought had been a mutual attraction had only been an interesting distraction for him while at work. That was what I’d been telling myself, anyway.
Taylor looked up at me and smiled as I walked into the store.
“Hi, guys.”
“Hey there, rock diva,” Annie called out from across the room.
I laughed and walked over to where Taylor was standing behind the cashier’s desk.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure, what’s up? And you seem pretty serious. I hope everything’s okay.”
I nodded, feeling nervous all of a sudden.
“Oh yeah, in fact everything is so good that that’s part of what I want to talk to you about.”
I hadn’t seen Annie or Taylor since the show on Saturday, so I filled him in on everything that had happened, including just a brief mention about Joe and me being over—I told myself that I’d only brought it up in the context of the conversation I was having with him, but I did want Taylor to know that things with my boyfriend were completely done. I had to smile as I thought about how bold I was becoming.
“Wow, Nicole. That’s all very exciting, and I’m not surprised at all about the record label opportunity. I figured it was just a matter of time, because you really are that good.”
I couldn’t help leaning in to give Taylor a quick hug. He was just genuinely such a good friend—supportive—and I believed him when he said how much he wanted to see me succeed with my music. I pulled away so that we could finish the conversation, suddenly feeling just a little awkward about the hug.
“So anyway, as I’ve decided to focus on my music—regardless of what happens in L.A. next week—I think it’s time for me to give notice. Of course I don’t wanna leave you all hanging, but next week is something that I need to do, so I’m hoping you can be understanding with the timing.”
Taylor was nodding and not looking all that upset over my news.
“Yes. I understand. Of course. And I don’t think it would be a problem if you want to just finish out your schedule through the week.”
For a moment, I thought that was going to be it, then I noticed that Taylor’s face seemed to be going slightly red.
“Okay, so I guess I’ll get to work then. Thanks for understanding, Taylor.”
“Nicole, wait.”
He laughed slightly and I could tell that he seemed a little nervous.
“I just have to say that I’m not completely upset that you’re leaving us. I mean, we’ll miss you around here for sure, but what I really want is to be able to ask you out.” He grinned, looking more himself. “So if you’ll say yes, I’ll consider that a win/win for both of us.”
I laughed, feeling my own face go slightly warm.
“I thought you’d never ask.”
Who was I right now—this new and improved flirtatious Nicole?
“Great, then maybe you’ll let me take you out next week before you leave for L.A. Or maybe a celebration of your last day of work here on Saturday.”
“Now that sounds like a great idea. It’s a da
te.”
I walked towards Annie with what I’m sure was a crazy happy look on my face.
Things certainly were changing.
Chapter 29
I scrolled through my to-do list on my phone while I waited for Maxine at the coffee shop. I’d learned so much over the past six months, but the biggest thing I’d learned was how to trust myself—how to make good decisions and then follow through with a plan of action. Zara and her coaching had taught me a lot about that. She was largely responsible for where I was today, though I knew she’d never take credit for any of it.
It was hard to believe how much things had changed—my record deal, falling in love with Taylor, the move. It had all happened in such a short period of time. I couldn’t believe that in a few hours I’d be saying goodbye to Maxine, Zara, and all the members of the B.I.G. Girls Club that had come to be such a big part of my life. I checked off the remaining items on the list that I’d only completed that morning just as I saw Maxine walking toward me.
“Maxine. I’m so glad you could meet with me.” I stood up from the table to give her a hug.
“Are you kidding? I can’t believe today’s the day. Girl, I’m gonna miss you so much. You have no idea.”
I was a little surprised by the tears that suddenly filled my eyes. Ever since I’d taken the time to really focus on myself, I’d been a bit more emotional. Zara said it was partly that I was no longer relying on the habit of emotional eating as much—I was much more in tune with what I was feeling these days. This was a very good thing, and I also thought that it was helping me a lot with my music. And I was going to miss Maxine terribly. I’d always count her and Zara to be among my best girlfriends, and I hoped that the distance wouldn’t change that.
“You have no idea.”
“So how are you feeling? Are you all ready?”
I’d been packing and getting organized for several weeks now. I’d hired a moving truck, and it had been loaded and taken on its way just that morning. Taylor and I would follow in my car and his car; his things were also now making their way to Los Angeles in a different moving truck.
I was doing it—moving to L.A. to pursue my career in music. I couldn’t be more excited or more sure about the decisions that I’d made this past year.
I turned my attention back to Maxine, who was laughing at me.
“I know you probably have a lot on your mind.”
“Sorry. Yeah, kinda. And I’m feeling a bit sad to start saying goodbyes but I’m also excited, and I do feel ready to go now. We’re planning to leave mid-afternoon and just drive for a few hours today.”
Maxine was looking at me with a huge grin on her face.
“What?” I laughed. “What’s that look for?”
“Oh, I’m just so happy for you. Your move, your music…Taylor.” She winked.
I laughed. “Thank you. It’s hard to believe how much things have changed this last year. I never would have imagined that I’d be able to move on from Joe—from the idea that we were meant to be together.”
Maxine looked like she wanted to say something else.
“What is it?”
“Have you talked to him? To Joe?”
“Oh yeah. Believe it or not, Taylor and I actually ended up at a club where Joe was playing one night—just a few weeks ago. We chatted. I met his new girlfriend.”
I laughed at Maxine’s quirked eyebrow.
“Everything’s fine between us. Oh, I doubt we’ll stay in contact with one another but I think it’s safe to say that we want each other to be happy.”
Maxine was nodding her head.
“And he did congratulate me about my album.”
For me this was the biggest thing out of everything that had happened between Joe and me—the fact that he seemed to now respect me as a fellow musician.
“That is huge.”
“It is. But enough about me; tell me what’s going on with you. Have you made any big decisions lately?”
I knew that Maxine had been going through a rough time, especially the past few months. We’d had some long conversations about her unhappiness, and I really wanted her to know that I still wanted to be there for her to talk to, even though we wouldn’t physically be in the same space any longer.
“Yes, I have, actually. I’m going to start my first coaching session with Zara next week.”
I loved the look that I saw on Maxine’s face. I remembered feeling that way before I’d started the coaching—hopeful that things could be different. It wasn’t as if Zara or the life coaching gave me the outright answers that I needed to change my life—I knew that that had always been up to me—but Zara had helped me to feel grounded and focused in a way that I’d not been in a very long time.
“I’m so glad. I think this is going to be just what you need. I’m more than confident that Zara’s gonna help you discover something really amazing about yourself—well, of course we all think you’re already amazing, but I know that you’ve been in a bit of a funk lately.”
Maxine looked down. “I sure hope so. And to say that I’m in a bit of a funk might be an understatement.”
I didn’t miss the tear that she brushed away quickly before continuing.
“I really hope that I can be more like the two of you—when it comes to my weight and not letting it hold me back, ya know. I try, but everything seems to revolve around the fact that I can’t get my body to look the way it used to.”
I reached out to touch her on the arm. It was a discussion that we’d had several times, and I truly believed that a shift would happen for Maxine the same way that it had happened for me.
“I do know. And I believe that you’re gonna get there. Trust in the process and stay open and honest about your feelings—that’s the best advice I could give you.”
Maxine smiled and looked at her watch. “And on that note, should we head to the meeting?”
We walked out of the cafe to our separate cars to begin, for me, what would be my last drive to Zara’s place for at least a very long while.
Chapter 30
I looked around at the faces of the women who had supported me for the past months as my song played from the speakers set up in Zara’s living room. There was no stopping the waterworks today, and I was armed with tissue as I listened to the song—my song—that would be played on radio stations across America in just a matter of days. It was all a bit surreal, and I knew that I’d never been happier in all my life.
The room was quiet as the song ended and then it erupted in shouts and clapping until Zara made her way across the room to take my hand and pull me up off my chair to stand beside her. She gave me a big hug, and I didn’t miss the tears in her eyes before she brushed them away with her hand.
“Nicole, I—we are all so proud of you. It’s amazing what you’ve accomplished in such a short period of time, and I just want to thank you for letting us all be a part of your journey.”
Everyone knew that today was going to be my last day at one of our B.I.G. Girls Club meetings, and I was reminded again of how life-changing this group of women had been for me. We’d all been there for one another, cheering each other on during good times and hard times.
I looked at Zara and a memory flashed through my mind of the day that I’d met her—a day when I’d thought that the most interesting thing about me had to do with dating Joe and the fact that my boyfriend was a rock star. The memory was sad but it also made me smile. Yes, I’d come a long way.
I turned my attention back to Zara, who was speaking again.
“So, today we’re just gonna have a little goodbye party for Nicole—I’ve even gotten you a cake.” She winked at me, already knowing that I’d saved my calories up for the treat. “So before we get into party mode, I just want to say to all of you—and to you, Nicole—that you’ve perfectly embodied the motto of our group.”
I noticed that the new girl sitting to the right of Maxine on the sofa had a confused look on her face, and I smiled at her.
Zara continued. “Saying this and other affirmations out loud might seem corny at first, but over time I believe that the words you speak will become the truth of who you are—the truth of our group and what we’re about, and also for your own lives as you work to be the best versions of yourselves that you can be.”
She walked into the kitchen and came back with the cake in her hands.
“So everyone, say it with me—B.I.G. Girls are bold, inspired and genuine.”
The words rang out strong and clear as Zara set the cake down on the table in front of me. I smiled as I read the words above the caricature of me holding a microphone—Bon Voyage, Rocker Princess!
I reached over to squeeze Zara’s hand, another not-so-distant memory flashing in my mind as I made the first slice into the cake.
It was my time and I was ready to embrace every minute of it.
Coming Soon!
B.I.G. Girls Club, Book 2
"The Former Model”
Please enjoy the following preview for
"Becoming Zara" to find out how the B.I.G. Girls Club came to be
Chapter 1
I glanced around the brightly lit room, taking in the twenty or so women of various sizes and shapes, most of whom seemed to at least match my two hundred pounds—okay, maybe two hundred pounds on a good day. Peeling off the name tag sticker that I’d just filled out, I caught myself grinning as I patted it down on my jeans—right in the middle of my thigh, which I’d only recently started to appreciate. I stifled a laugh as my new shower ritual played in my mind. Soap up the squeegee thingy and lovingly talk to your body as you wash and caress it. Just that morning I’d told my thighs that they were an absolute thing of beauty and they—so graciously—rewarded me by sliding into my jeans with only a hint of trouble.
The Rockstar’s Girlfriend (B.I.G. Girls Club, Book 1) Page 9
