by Chely Wright
She cried. I cried. We hugged and kissed while our dogs brought us squeaky toys and multicolored ropes. Had it been legal for us to marry, and had I not been a well-known person in country music, I would have asked her to marry me—and I think she would’ve said yes.
Recently I had a dream about that night, and the details were just as I’d described. It would’ve been easier had the dream not seemed so real, had I realized midway through that it didn’t make sense and that it was just a dream. Instead, I woke up to an alarm clock and the realization that Julia and I were not together.
I regret that I gave in to fear and selfishness and chose to leave Julia. I regret that when we had the chance to reconcile in 2006, I was not ready to stand up and speak the truth—even though I had had a frightening glance into how unhappy my life could be without real love. Even then I was too scared. I regret that I put others’ opinions of me before me and the woman I loved. I regret that I didn’t have enough self-confidence to choose a partner who wanted me to be happy in my life, career included. I regret that Julia’s biggest fear and accusation of me for so many years came true. She used to tell me that she was afraid I cared more about my career and my image than I did about her. I regret that I proved her right.
I have oceans of regret. I have found a positive direction in my life, a true north. I feel lucky to have such deep waters beneath me, because every drop is a reminder to me of the power of truth, and all of those drops combined can deliver me to new places.
I have forgiven myself for my mistakes. Now I know that nothing is more important than my health, my happiness, and my heart.
State of the Union
I moved to New York City in June 2008. As I write my story, I am filled with excitement, fear, anxiety, and glimmers of liberation and hope. I am trying to prepare myself. A few of my friends might be angry with me for not trusting them enough to confide in them, but I just hope that once they’ve read my story they’ll understand why I handled it the way I did. Many people that I’ve employed over the years are conservative Christians, and to them homosexuality is nothing more than a deviant, sinful choice that some recklessly make, putting their salvation at risk. During my career, I have sat in the front lounge of my tour bus or around dinner tables with my employees as some of them have quoted scripture and pontificated about the sins of homosexuality to anyone who would listen.
It was never pointed at me specifically, because I was good at hiding, but the condemnation, ignorance, and judgment left me frustrated and angry.
I have lived with a great deal of shame in allowing that kind of discussion to happen in my presence, and I’m trying to forgive myself for it. It’s not that I didn’t raise questions to their small-minded arguments. I did. But I didn’t want to invite speculation about my sexuality. I sat through those discussions because I genuinely wanted to hear their opinions. I truly do believe in everyone’s right to their own beliefs.
I realize that this will be far more difficult than I imagine—it already has been.
I cry most days as I write this down. I’m uncovering a lifetime of imposed shame and fear. I’m happy to be telling my story because it makes me feel whole for the first time in my life.
In addition to my everyday life of writing and recording, I spend time thinking about what it will be like when I do step forward. Can I help people understand what it’s like to be gay? Will I be able to further identify homosexuality and some of the inherent challenges that we face? I am focused on being ready—I feel like an athlete in training.
I told a couple of my friends who already knew my secret that I was going to come out of the closet. I realized that I would have to let a few more people into my life and into my business to help me through the process.
I’ve zigzagged across the nation, from Nashville to New York City, Atlanta to Los Angeles and back, to seek out sensitive and qualified people to help me come out of hiding. I had to come out to every one of those people that I went to see, and anyone who’s ever come out before can tell you it’s exhausting. I’ve sat with no fewer than thirty people and shared my story to help them gain a full understanding of how my life in hiding has been.
I’ve been nervous since the day I decided to do this. One can ask people to keep one’s secret, but sometimes they don’t. I’ve known this my entire career, and it’s exactly why I seldom confided in anyone.
If you were to ask a fan why they love country singers, their answer would likely be “Because they are so real.” Every time I heard a fan say that about me—and I did so often—it made me sick to my stomach. I was hiding a big part of myself from my fans, and I feared that most of them would not understand or approve of who I really was.
I have no idea if or how many of my fans will support me in my journey from this point forward, and I have no idea where I might find my audience.
I am a musician and a songwriter. I have dedicated my life to performing for an audience, and my work has paid off. I don’t know what will happen, but I am at peace with the uncertainty of it all.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to acknowledge a collection of souls who assisted and accompanied me during the creation of this book. Thank you:
Russell Carter, my manager—for your abundant gifts of mind and spirit and the demeanor with which you impart them. I am so grateful for you.
Sonny Mehta—for your invaluable help; and to Gary Fisketjon—for weighing in on respect and reason.
Victoria Wilson, my editor—for editing my book.
Luke Janklow—for getting my book to Random House.
Claire Dipple—for explaining the earliest stages and for the encouragement.
Carmen Johnson—for being so efficient, so helpful, and so pleasant.
Brian Loucks—for being the first of many dots and for connecting me to dot number two.
Rodney Crowell, my shepherd—for appearing as my teacher the moment I was ready to learn.
Mitchell Gold—for writing the book Crisis and for being my mentor and friend.
Steve Buckingham—for your loyal friendship.
Thank you, Kevin Welk, Gary Paczosa, Bobbie Berleffi, Beverly Kopf, Tim Schofield, Howard Bragman, Bill Kapfer, Eric Baker, Neil Guiliano, Diana Rodreguiz, Eliza Byard, Reverednd Welton Gaddy, Bishop Gene Robinson, and Robert V. Taylor.
• • •
And on an even more personal note:
Chuck Walter—for being a shining example of truth and peace and for wanting me, above all things, to be happy.
Claudia Crowell—for your serene support and your unwavering compassion.
Jan Volz—for everything. I do not know a better man. With you, I have learned what real friendship is about.
Mich McCready—for who you are and for being my family.
Mary Karr—for your friendship, for the Sunday dinners, for empowering me, and for showing me the ropes.
Ashen Keilyn—for being my friend.
Anne Marie and Jeff Davidson—for the love.
Joe Tam—for your sweet heart.
John and Joy Day—for support.
Mike Vaden—for fifteen years of trust.
To my family:
My dad, Stan—for loving me “because.”
My mom, Cheri—for always telling me I was special and for showing me how to beat the odds.
To my aunt Char—for being a constant in my life and for rolling up your sleeves.
To my brother, Chris—for being you, tough on the outside and tender on the inside.
To my sister, Jeny (Jennifer)—for being my best friend for a lifetime and a true inspiration.
xo chely
Copyright © 2010 by Chely Wright
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Pantheon Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.
Pantheon Books and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Grateful acknowledgment is made to Hal Leonard Corporation fo
r permission to reprint an excerpt from “Love in the Hot Afternoon,” words and music by Vince Matthews and Kent Westberry, copyright © 1970 by Universal—Songs of Polygram International, Inc. Copyright renewed. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Wright, Chely, [date].
Like me : confessions of a heartland country singer / Chely Wright.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-37926-9
1. Wright, Chely, 1970–. 2. Country musicians—United States—Biography. 3. Singers—United States—Biography. 4. Lesbian musicians—United States—Biography. I. Title.
ML420.W75A3 2010
782.421642092—dc22
[B] 2009043483
www.pantheonbooks.com
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