“How? I don’t know how I am.” He waved a drunken hand back at the general vicinity of Opie’s. “I don’t know what my life is supposed to be about. I don’t know what my true self is or whatever it was they were talking about.”
“Nobody does, Red. Don’t let Foucault make you crazy.”
“He knew what he wanted, I bet.”
Walter snorted. “Yeah. He wanted to infect cute little boys like you with AIDS.”
Kelly startled. “What?”
“He was a crazy leather daddy. He was HIV positive and deliberately had unprotected sex with young men and didn’t tell them he was passing on a death sentence. On purpose. He said, ‘To die for the love of boys, what could be more beautiful?’ He was smart and visionary. And an asshole.” He nudged Kelly. “You’re not an asshole. You’re not dumb. You’re kind and smart and funny and fun to be with.”
“Then why doesn’t anyone want to have sex with me?”
Oh, honey. Walter saw the red lights of danger begin to flash, but he couldn’t stop forging ahead. “People want to have sex with you, Kelly. Trust me on this one.”
Kelly waved this thought away with a gesture so drunken and effeminate Walter ached. “No. That’s not what I mean.”
“What do you mean?”
Kelly stared hard at his nearly empty glass, sighed and let himself sink sideways against Walter. “I don’t know.”
Walter put his arm around Kelly and pulled him closer.
Kelly snuggled into him. “I want to have sex. I do. I don’t even want it to be pretty and Disney like you’re thinking. I want someone to come up to me like you go up to guys. Except I want them to mean it.”
Jesus fuck, Walter was hard, and he was right back in the soup again. His arm around Kelly tensed slightly. “I do mean it.”
“But you tell me no.”
Fuck fuck fuck. “You want me to say yes? You want me to screw you, drunk, really? Then you want me to walk away like I do the other guys? Because I’m not buying what you’re selling.”
Kelly sighed and turned away from Walter, sinking back onto the bar. “No. No, dammit, I don’t.” He rubbed at his head. “I need to go home and go to sleep. I have a class in the morning, and then I have to go back to Minnesota.”
And I have to go to Northbrook. The thought made Walter feel hollow, and he rubbed at Kelly’s back. “Let’s get you to bed, Red.”
Nodding, Kelly stood and let Walter help him out the door and toward the dorms.
“I’m sorry,” Kelly said as they passed the parking lots and started to cut across the main lawn.
“What for?”
“For always getting drunk and coming on to you. For you always having to babysit me.”
Walter slid his arm around Kelly’s waist and took a slow, deep breath of Kelly’s hair, hoping he didn’t notice. He didn’t say anything, because he couldn’t. Because he wanted to say things like I can’t sleep with you because it wouldn’t be like the other guys I fuck. I can’t sleep with you because I already think about you way too much, care way too much, and if I sleep with you, I’m scared to think about how bad it would be if things didn’t work out, if you went away too like everybody else always does.
He couldn’t say any of that, which meant he couldn’t, not really, say anything at all.
Chapter Twelve
The next morning Kelly woke early. His head hurt, but only a little, and while he was aware of how much beer he’d consumed, he felt no urge to vomit.
He remembered, quite clearly, everything he’d confessed to Walter. He lay awake a long time, staring at the ceiling, cheeks burning as he remembered how whiny and childish he’d been. He remembered telling Walter he wanted to sleep with him.
He remembered Walter telling him no. Again.
Shutting his eyes, Kelly prayed the bed would swallow him whole so he didn’t have to face his roommate.
“You up, Red?”
Walter’s sleep-rough voice startled him. He thought about pretending he was asleep, but he’d have to face the music sometime. “Yeah.”
“Feeling okay?”
Kelly swallowed hard. “Yeah. Sorry I was such a whiny idiot last night.” I swear, I’ll never ask you to sleep with me again.
“You were fine.” Kelly couldn’t get a read on his tone, so he leaned over the edge of his loft. Walter lay in bed, scrolling through his phone. “What time are you heading out?” When Kelly didn’t answer, he glanced up. “Your dad is coming to get you this morning, right?”
“Afternoon.” God, even with bedhead, Walter looked so good. Stop thinking about Walter like that. Kelly sat up and began the process of descending, hung over, from his bed. “About one.”
“Cool.” Walter put the phone down and rubbed at his cheek. “We could do the laundry here. I could do it for you, since I don’t have anything going on. There’s no need for you to haul it all home.”
Kelly shook his head as he sorted through his medicine bottles on his dresser. “It’d be better if I washed it right before I came back. Anyway, if I don’t bring it home, Mom will fuss.”
Funny how that seemed to make Walter’s expression cloud. “Sure. Well, I’ll do my own. I definitely know the drill by now.”
“Okay.”
A weird, heavy silence hung over them for a few minutes, and Kelly’s heart sank. See, he’d fucked things over between them. He shouldn’t have let himself get drunk and confess stuff. It had wrecked everything, just like the last time.
Walter groaned and stretched. “Well, I suppose I should pack.”
He made it sound like he was getting ready to serve a death sentence. Kelly remembered what Walter had said about his family and realized the awkward silence might have nothing to do with the night before. “Are you not looking forward to going home?”
Walter’s laugh was a sad snort. “In a word, no.” He ran a hand through his hair. “In fact, if I could get out of it, I would.”
Kelly couldn’t imagine not wanting to go home. He was looking forward to it, and not just to get away from the weird sexual tension with Walter. “I’m sorry,” he said, because he didn’t know what else to say.
“Yeah, well.” Walter stood and headed for the closet.
They packed in mutual silence, no discussion of the night before or of their upcoming visits to their respective homes. The silence was more than a little awkward, even through breakfast and again when they were back in the room together after classes. When Kelly’s dad finally arrived and they said goodbye to Walter, he was almost relieved.
Dick Davidson didn’t talk much and never had, but the one place he was known to break that pattern was in a car, especially during a long ride. Both Kelly and Lisa had taken advantage of this when they needed advice or help from their father, inventing something they needed in Minneapolis and insisting he was the one who had to drive them. Kelly was acutely aware he had his dad in his talking chamber for a very long time, and he had plenty he wanted to talk to him about. The trouble was, he didn’t know where to start.
Happily, his dad took care of that too.
“Your mother mentioned you were thinking of declaring a major.”
Kelly was driving at that point and flexed his hands against the wheel. “Yeah. History education.”
“You sound a little unsure.”
“Well, I am. I don’t know that I’d make a good teacher. Are there any jobs? I know teachers get paid poorly. How will I help with Lisa if I don’t make enough?”
“You don’t worry about paying for your sister’s school. That’s my job.”
Kelly frowned. “But Hope is so expensive. I took more than my share.”
Dick smiled and shook his head. “Your sister is going to end up at the University of Minnesota. She’s going to want a big place but not too far away.”
“How do you know? She’s just a freshman.”
“I know my kids.”
Kelly thought about this for a while. “So does that mean you knew I was gay before I told you?”
It was funny how much that relieved Kelly, when he hadn’t even known he was nervous to hear. “You weren’t upset?”
His father took a long time before he replied. “I was nervous for you. I didn’t like what the world might say to you when you told them who you truly were.”
Hmm. “Hope is pretty good about that. It’s not perfect, but it’s a good place to be myself.”
His dad nodded. “Good. I thought it should be, but it’s nice to hear for sure.”
Kelly drove awhile before voicing the darker niggle behind his desire to teach. “Do you think it’s okay to be a teacher if I’m gay? I mean, I know it’s actually okay, but am I going to end up fighting that instead of teaching?”
Another thoughtful pause. “I hope not. I suppose it would depend on where you ended up, and how quickly the world changes.”
“See, that’s what I mean about jobs. I can’t just look for one wherever. I have to look for one where I’ll be okay.”
“Anywhere you couldn’t be who you are isn’t somewhere you’d want to be no matter what. It might feel more limited, but that’s not all bad. Sometimes less choice only makes the right choice more clear.”
“Except in dating,” Kelly murmured.
He felt his father’s gaze on him. “That not going okay?”
Kelly’s ears heated. “No. It’s really not.”
“What about Walter? Does he have a boyfriend?”
“No.” Kelly felt the unspoken question hanging in the air and sighed. “No, and he’s not interested in one.”
His dad frowned. “He seems like a very good friend. And you did say he’s…?”
“He is. Both a good friend and gay.” Kelly swallowed hard and gripped the wheel. “I think I’m falling in love with him.”
His dad nodded, as if he wasn’t surprised. “But you don’t think he feels the same way?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure how to tell.”
“It might not be a bad idea to let him know how you feel.”
The very idea made Kelly’s stomach knot. “Except he’s said flat out, many times, that he doesn’t date, doesn’t do relationships. What if I say something and it wrecks what we have? I’d rather have him this way than not at all.”
“That sounds about right.”
“Right for what?”
“Some advice, son. You need to let him know, but you don’t have to use words. Sometimes the ones we love are like butterflies, flitting all over, and we have to sit and wait patiently for them to land. Sometimes they never do, and that’s a risk we take. But sometimes what they need most is to see us sitting still, patient, waiting. To understand that we’re going to be there no matter what, that we’re the ones who are always sitting there waiting, loyal, loving. Sometimes that’s more powerful than any words.”
Love seemed an awfully strong word. It scared him a little actually. “How long do I wait? What if he never notices?”
“That’s the hard part, I’ll admit. Because sometimes they don’t. The right one, though? The right one will.”
“Is that how it was with you and Mom?”
Dick’s smile was wistful. “It was. Still is.”
As they rode awhile in silence, Kelly thought again about Walter, about how much he enjoyed being with him, about how good it felt to see him at the end of a long day. He thought about the way Walter teased him, taunted him. He thought about how Walter had reacted when Kelly had kissed his neck.
He thought about what Rose had said, about how Walter treated him. He thought about all the times they’d hung out together, laughed, teased or simply talked. Was that the same thing his dad was talking about? Kelly didn’t know.
He really needed to figure that one out.
As soon as Kelly left the dorm room, Walter collapsed on his futon and stared at the ceiling for a long, long time.
Porter 4 was a third as noisy as it usually was, the standard raucous athlete call and answer replaced by more sedate shuffling as the residents took off. Everyone was in a rush to head home except for the international student at the other end of the hall. He was hunkered down with a friend from Sandman, talking animatedly in Urdu.
Dick Davidson hadn’t been what Walter had expected. Walter continued to stare at the ceiling and thought about how Kelly had brightened at the sight of his father, how the older man’s eyes had danced and he’d opened his arms to hold his son even before Kelly had started toward him. Dick had been warm to Walter, if not a little reserved as he assessed his son’s roommate.
Lying on the bed, Walter couldn’t help but wonder if he’d measured up or been found wanting.
His hand skimmed down the front of his shirt as his musings drifted to the thing he’d been trying not to dwell on, things about Kelly. Things he hoped Kelly’s dad hadn’t been able to see.
Walter shut his eyes.
He didn’t open them until the dorm floor was quiet. He must have dozed off, because the room was dark with shadows and he could see the gray of the late afternoon through the window. That got him up and moving, gathering a few toiletries and clothes. He saw that Kelly had forgotten to take his bedding after all, so in addition to the futon cover and his own sheets, he grabbed Kelly’s things too. Though he picked up his phone to send a quick text to let his roommate know he was taking care of the laundry, he only stared at the screen with Kelly’s name a few minutes, reading.
Red, I’m hungry. Where are you? Are you eating or what?
Sorry got caught up talking. Meet you at the caf?
Sure. Will make sure they have food.
Thx, W. See you soon.
OMG, this class is never going to end.
Hang tight, Red. We can spring for burritos for supper once you survive. My treat.
Have a thing, actually. Meet up later?
Sure. Laundry tonight, since we’re going to be gone for the holiday?
That had been the last text, yesterday before the Philosophy Club. Not wanting to think about that anymore, Walter scrolled back further.
Are we going to Moe’s tonight?
Nah. Don’t feel like trolling. Unless you’re still shopping for boyfriends.
No. Let’s watch more D. Who. I need a Tennant fix.
Just not the Martha eps, please.
Gag. Donna Noble. Oh, I know, let’s watch the library one. River Song AND Donna.
And Tennant. I’ll leave the lube on your bunk.
You would not believe what I’m seeing right now. Whole Philosophy Club is trying to make a human pyramid in one of the studios. I don’t even fully understand why.
Not feeling the pyramid love?
Fuck no. I’m documenting for posterity. Will send a pic.
Maybe I should be a comm major. This econ course is going to kill me. From boredom.
I can send you nudie pics to keep you entertained.
Who of?
Who would you like?
Shit, prof eyeballing me. Gotta go.
Walter shut the phone without sending a text, grabbed the laundry basket and his duffel, and bugged out of the room. After packing the Mazda, he headed across campus to Lake Sharon, where the swans were huddled in a corner of the lake, heedless of the icy water, too wrapped up in each other. They were beautiful in the reflected lights of campus, and Walter stood a long time beneath the shelter of the campanile, watching them.
When he finally headed out of Danby, he didn’t put on any music, riding in silence all the way to Peoria. After a pit stop to hit the bathroom and grab a Starbucks, he scrolled through his phone and put on some Adele. A soft rain began to fall as she crooned about needing to make her partner feel her love, and somehow the double dose of melancholy allowed Walter to relax into his disquiet. It wasn’t that he knew home was going to suck, that he’d be enduri
ng four days of his mother’s manic depression and his sister’s fits for attention. It wasn’t that listening to Cara talk about the wedding and pull further away from him and toward Greg alone was going to hurt. It wasn’t that he’d be lucky if his dad so much as called him, let alone met up with him for a coffee.
It was that he missed Kelly already.
Feeling slightly pervy but way too depressed to care, Walter reached behind him and fished in the laundry basket until he found one of Kelly’s pillowcases. Walter clutched it on his lap for a minute, then gave in and went full-on pathetic as he drew it up to his nose to inhale his best friend’s scent.
A voice in the back of his mind whispered that this kind of behavior went well beyond simply weird, that it meant something a lot scarier than being a pervert, but Walter pushed the voice firmly aside. He wasn’t mooning over Kelly. He wasn’t a pervert, and he wasn’t weird.
He was…sad.
Inhaling the pillowcase one last time, Walter clutched it in his hand and kept it there all the way back to Northbrook.
Chapter Thirteen
On their way back from his grandparents’ house on Thanksgiving, the Davidsons’ car broke down.
It became quite an adventure, calling Dick’s brother to get a ride back to the house and arranging a tow. When it was clear on Friday the car wouldn’t be fixed until the following week, however, things got interesting. How was Kelly going to get back to school?
“We still have my Datsun,” Dick reminded them as they sat around the table brainstorming.
“Yes, but then Lisa and I won’t have a car until you get back. And she has that church thing on Sunday afternoon,” Sue reminded him.
“Can’t we get her a ride?”
Lisa looked mortified. “We’re delivering baked goods people ordered for the fundraiser.”
“Surely they’ll understand the circumstances,” Dick said.
“Can the truck even get to Illinois?” Kelly hoped not. He wasn’t excited about being crammed into the tiny cab with his stuff flying loose in the back end.
“We could rent a car,” Sue suggested.
Love Lessons Page 12
