This wasn’t exactly helping. “I don’t see how this explains why Cara’s suddenly turned into a bitch.”
“She’s female and she’s joining the biggest, fattest relationship cult we have as a culture. I’ve seen it fell the most counter-cultural of women. Even if they don’t get swept up in it, they expel fantastic amounts of energy rejecting the pull to succumb to the bride lure. So what I’m saying is that between all the different things hitting Cara, and you, it’s frankly a miracle you’re still speaking at all.”
“Golly, Dr. Williams, you really know how to cheer a guy up.”
Williams rolled his eyes and took the popcorn into his lap. “It’s not like things can’t turn around. All relationships take work and patience. So.” He paused to munch a handful of popcorn, but the waggle in his eyebrows told Walter what was coming. “Speaking of relationships.”
Walter sighed and stole the popcorn bag back. “Please. Not you too.”
“Are you kidding? Even the professors are talking about it, how the nice young man from Minnesota charmed Casanova.”
Walter rubbed at his temples. “I thought you were trying to play nice for the tenure people. Doesn’t asking about your student’s sex life count as a no-no on that count?”
“I didn’t ask about your sex life. I asked about your relationship with Kelly. Big difference.” He helped himself to a liberal handful of popcorn. “But if you’re feeling fragile, I don’t want to push you.”
Had there been sarcasm in that tone, Walter could have handled it, but Williams was serious. Walter put the popcorn bag on the desk and gave in with a slouch. “I’m not fragile. Things are just…weird.” He sighed and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “Never mind. I should stick to not thinking about it. Keep busy with something.”
“Well, that’s always been a popular strategy in your book. You’ve ever been the shark that has to keep swimming to avoid death, at least in your own mind.”
Walter raised his eyebrow at that, then decided he’d dissect that one in the privacy of his own head later. “I can’t date him, Williams. I’m not a dating kind of guy, no matter what Cara thinks.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Why can’t I date? Jesus, where do I start?” Walter trained his focus into the popcorn bag, into the half-burned kernels at the bottom. “For one, I have no idea how to do it.”
“From what I gather, neither does Kelly.”
Walter glared at him. “Right, so he deserves someone who isn’t stumbling around in the dark. Plus, he’s a virgin in every way. I’m so far from that it’s not even funny.”
“But you care about him.”
Williams was staring hard at Walter, and it made him twitch. “Of course I do. Don’t you get it? That’s why I have to find a way to end this. Before he gets hurt anymore.”
Now Williams frowned. “Don’t you think that’s up to Kelly to decide?” His gaze turned knowing. “Unless, of course, the concern for Kelly is just a front.”
For a second Walter stared at him blankly—then frowned as he cottoned on. “Get off. This isn’t about me.”
“Isn’t it?” Williams laced his fingers together, resting his elbows on the arms of his chair.
Walter flipped him off. “Please. What, you think I’m scared?”
Except that was supposed to come out a lot stronger than it did, and the crack at the end of the question didn’t do him any damn favors.
He shut his eyes. “I want to do right by him. I don’t want to fuck him up. I don’t want him to end up like me, especially by being with me.”
The hand on top of his head surprised him, and he held still as Williams gave his hair a gentle tussle before withdrawing again. “Walter, someday I hope you’re able to look back at the man you were at this moment and realize how proud you should have been of yourself.” When Walter gaped at him, Williams grinned. “Yeah, Lucas. I just rubbed your head and called you a good boy. Get over it. You deserved it.”
Walter reached for more popcorn. His cheeks, he knew, were as flushed and bright as Kelly’s were wont to be. “So, this tenure shit. When are they going to let you off the short leash so you can chill out?”
“Last day of finals week.” Williams slumped back into his chair. “God, I think I’m going to go out and get drunk, either way it rolls.”
“It’s going to be fine. You told me yourself, they have to have a really damn good reason to deny you, and if they try, you already have that in with the AAUP. You’re worrying over nothing.”
“I sure hope so.” Williams reached for the popcorn bag, but he didn’t take any, just flicked the edge of the wrapper and sat back again. “I sure hope so.”
The Friday night after their return to campus, Kelly sat in the green rocker waiting for Walter to make it back from class. In the hall were muffled male curses and guffaws as their floor mates prepared for a night of partying, but in room 412, Sia’s We Are Born album played softly from Kelly’s laptop speakers. He stared at the underside of his loft while he rocked back and forth.
He’d set up a date, like Rose suggested, and any second now Walter was due back to the room. At which point Kelly had to figure out what to do with him. He kept trying to think of how best to start the let’s have more sex conversation, because it was the only one that felt safe. Except he had no idea, and the more he thought about it, the more knotted his stomach became.
When the door finally opened and Walter came inside, Kelly turned to smile at him, hoping for last-minute divine intervention. He got a good look at Walter, and his smile died.
“Hey.” He sat up in the rocker. “What’s wrong?”
It was a little surreal to watch Walter wipe his face clean of the heaviness Kelly had glimpsed there. “Nothing.” He nudged Kelly with his toe. “What do you want to do tonight? Stay in? Go out? Watch online porn?”
The last one was tossed out to make Kelly blush, he knew—and distract him, Kelly realized. Walter didn’t like that Kelly had caught him vulnerable.
Which was maybe why Kelly said, “Sure, porn sounds good.”
Walter paused, backpack suspended over the futon. Glancing over his shoulder, he raised his eyebrows at Kelly. Kelly knew he was blushing, but he kept his expression as even as possible. Something was up with Walter, but Walter wasn’t telling him. Something told Kelly it was all related to the sex thing. Or maybe that was just his ego.
Whatever. He was tired of being a predictable virgin. Watching online porn with his boyfriend seemed out of that territory. He was going for it.
Drawing his laptop into his lap, Kelly tried to play it casual. “You have anything particular in mind?”
“Why, do you?”
Walter was laughing at him, Kelly could tell—and it irked him. Kelly said nothing, only opened the locked Word document in the folder he kept very deliberately buried, retrieving a few web addresses and loading them into his browser. “This site isn’t always great, but it has a few of my favorites.”
His heart pounded as the Man Hub video began to load—at the last second he remembered to turn down the volume, just in time for the bartender to tell his waiter friend to “Suck on it.” It was loud enough still for Walter to hear, however, and though Kelly kept his gaze on the screen, he trained one eye on Walter, watching his roommate come around to stand behind Kelly. For a minute they stayed that way, Kelly with the porn going in his lap, Walter behind him. Kelly waited for a wry comment, for Walter to tease him.
What actually happened was that Walter squeezed Kelly’s shoulder and said, “Scoot forward, hon.”
Kelly did. It wasn’t easy, because moving forward on the chair made it rock with him, but Walter caught the back and pulled with counter force until it was his body keeping the chair in place. His groin bumped against Kelly’s ass. Walter took the laptop from Kelly with one hand and nudged Kelly’s thigh with his other, helping Kelly climb into his lap. When Kelly settled down, it was to sit in the center of Walter’s crotch.
He eased b
ack against Walter’s chest. He still watched the screen, but all his focus was on Walter—Walter’s body around him, Walter’s reactions. How Walter slid a hand down Kelly’s thigh, lightly stroking. Kelly assumed he watched the show, but he didn’t know for sure until Walter said, “This is one of your favorites?”
“Yeah.” Kelly felt his cheeks burn, but he didn’t let self-consciousness get the better of him.
Walter kept stroking. His voice was soft, gentle as he spoke. “What is it you like?”
What did Kelly like? He considered a minute. “I like the production value. It’s not harsh lighting and raw.” He watched the waiter crawl over a barstool, taking the bartender’s cock into his mouth. “It’s not teasing, though, either. It’s a guy getting his cock sucked.” He remembered the rest of the video, what was coming up next, and his own cock got a little harder. “And rimmed.”
Walter’s stubble brushed Kelly’s ear. “I didn’t know you had rimming fantasies, Red.”
He did. Kelly was pretty sure that would feel amazing. “They do get the Internet in Minnesota, you know.”
Walter’s free hand had been sliding up Kelly’s arm, but as Kelly spoke it stopped, and so did Walter’s ear nuzzles. Kelly sensed he’d stumbled on the reason Walter had been hesitant with him. The trouble was, he didn’t understand it, not completely.
“Walter,” he said, giving up. “What’s going on?” The thought he’d been trying not to think rose, and it escaped before he could reel it back in. “Are you sorry we did this? Dating?”
“No.” Walter said the word with such conviction Kelly couldn’t doubt, but he still seemed tense. He sighed and rested his head against Kelly’s. “I’m not sorry—but I worry you should be. Or will be.” He stroked Kelly’s arm sadly. “You deserve better.”
Kelly turned too, so Walter could see the irritation on his face. “What am I supposed to say to that?”
A loud groan came from the laptop. “Yeah, suck that cock,” the bartender said. “Next I’m gonna rim that ass.”
Kelly blinked, glanced at Walter, and they fell against each other, laughing, nearly sending the laptop to the floor.
“Okay,” Walter said between giggles. “I admit it. That was stupid.” He pulled Kelly back against him, righting the computer at the same time. “I just…I suck at this, Kel.”
“Well, it’s not like I would know.” Onscreen, the bartender stuck his hand down the back of the waiter’s pants, and Kelly drew in a sharp breath. “God. I love that part.”
“That’s just it. You should know. You shouldn’t settle for me.”
The waiter gasped and jerked as the hand at his backside—one assumed—found pay dirt. Kelly bit his lip and resisted the urge to adjust himself. “You do realize that you’re trying to talk about our relationship, and I’m getting uncomfortable in my pants while I watch porn? I haven’t had Psych 101, but I think this is role reversal.”
Walter said nothing after that, and Kelly was free to watch as the waiter’s moans became more and more desperate, as the waistband dipped lower and lower. There were several nice cock shots too of the bartender—he was shaved because it was that kind of porn video, but Kelly didn’t think he’d have cared either way. What really had his attention was the fact that, though he’d watched this video a million times, this was the only instance where he was in another guy’s lap while he did so.
Walter was quiet, and mostly still, his hands brushing over Kelly’s skin on occasion. His breath was hot against Kelly’s neck, coming a little bit faster now, and the bulge pressing the back of Kelly’s ass got bigger all the time. They watched as the blow job continued, as the waiter’s pants slid farther and farther down his ass.
When the scene shifted to the waiter leaned over the bar, buck naked save his socks, knees wide as the bartender spread his cheeks apart, Walter jolted. “Shit.”
Kelly glanced over his shoulder. “You’re not going to convince me this is hardcore for you.”
“No.” Walter had a funny look on his face, half-wary, half…hopeful? He was still so hard to read. “I would have assumed it was for you, though.”
Now Kelly glared. “Who do you think I am? No wait, don’t answer, because I know. I’m a repressed Republican from Mayberry who thinks sex happens in the dark with the lights off to swoony orchestral soundtracks. Jesus. I’m not. Just because I blush a lot doesn’t mean I don’t want sex or that I need sex pretty. Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I need everything watered down. I mean—you were a virgin once too. Maybe you were looking at Tom of Finland when you were thirteen, but you weren’t getting rimmed.” He paused and added, “Were you?”
The way Walter’s expression shuttered told Kelly he’d stepped in something, but he didn’t know what. He tried to cover with self-depreciation and a rueful laugh. “Okay, maybe you were. My point is that even though I’m a late bloomer, at some point you were a virgin too, and you had to learn—”
“My first time was with a guy who could have been my dad.”
Kelly stopped laughing. He went still, listening, the porn soundtrack behind them suddenly not so awesome. Kelly turned fully, trying to get a better read of Walter’s face. It wasn’t easy. “Was that good or bad? I mean—” Shit, Kelly, shut up. “Were you…forced?”
The corner of Walter’s mouth quirked up. “No. At the time I thought I was hot shit, doing it with a thirty-year-old. There was nothing rape about it, not as far as I was concerned. Legality of course is another story altogether. The guy took a horrible risk. Really, he was as fucked up as I was. I didn’t think that at the time. I thought I was the fucking coolest kid on the block. I didn’t just have sex with him, either. I had a lot of great times and in some pretty crazy places. I took stupid, stupid risks.” He rubbed the line of his jaw and averted his gaze. “That’s what I mean, when I say I don’t think I’m right for you. You wouldn’t ever do anything like that. I did. Until a few months ago, I still was doing shit like that, albeit in a safer, more grownup way.”
Kelly threw up his hands. “So you’re saying you don’t want to be with me unless I go out and have stupid sex first?”
“What? No.” Walter glared at him. “I don’t want you to ever do anything like that.”
“So I can’t be with you because I’m pure and you’re tainted? Who has the Disney fetish now?”
“Kelly, that’s not what I mean. I’m telling you I’m fucked up. You aren’t fucked up. You shouldn’t do this. If you came to me as a friend and asked if you should date a guy like me, I’d say hell no.”
Kelly went cold. “Are you breaking up with me?”
His heart tightened as Walter hesitated. The whole world came into sharper focus, and for a moment Kelly wanted to run, hide, to cry. Just for one moment. Because the moment after that, he got pissed.
Fuck this.
Grabbing the laptop from Walter’s hand, Kelly closed it and set it aside before turning back to face Walter. “Here’s the deal. I’m going to make out with somebody tonight. Someone’s going to get their hand down my pants and their tongue down my throat. Who knows what else comes after. You get to decide, boyfriend, if that’s you or some random guy at Moe’s.” When Walter gave him a dubious look, Kelly only got angrier. “Don’t test me. I’m serious.”
“You wouldn’t make out with a stranger. That’s not who you are.”
“Then I’m going to become that guy, and fast.” Kelly dug his fingers into the leg of his jeans. “That’s why you’ve been weird. You have this stupid idea about who I am, and you’re writing me off.”
“I don’t have a stupid idea about who you are—you don’t know who I am. You don’t want me, Kelly. You don’t—”
He didn’t get to say anything else because Kelly cut him off with a hard kiss. All his anger, his hurt, his fear went into it, and when he finally came up for air, he was shaking.
“I want you, Walter. I don’t care who you slept with or how old you were or they were or anything. I don’t care if you’re th
e rimming champion of Illinois. I want you. For more than holding hands.” He nuzzled Walter’s nose. “You’re right, I couldn’t do it with a stranger. But it’s not because I don’t want to make out or am afraid of it. It’s that I want it to be with you.” He felt Walter try to pull away, and Kelly panicked at the thought that he’d called his own bluff. “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to bully you into making out with me.”
Walter paused, half smiling. “Oh? This I want to see.”
Kelly thought fast. “If you don’t make out with me, I’ll go down to the vending machines in the lounge and buy a Hershey’s bar. With almonds.”
Walter stopped smiling. “That isn’t even funny.”
Good. “I’ll do it. I swear to God.” He’d end up in the hospital, but hopefully it didn’t come to that.
“I’ll take your money,” Walter promised.
“I’ll borrow some from the RA.”
Walter cupped Kelly’s cheek, and it wasn’t gentle. “I’ll lock you in our room.”
“How? I can open it from the inside.”
Those fingers dug into Kelly’s skin. “I’ll hold you down.”
Kelly’s whole body went soft in Walter’s arms and filled with want. “Okay.”
The rigidity in Walter’s face softened a little, but he still gripped Kelly tight. “Kelly.”
Sensing an opening in Walter’s wall, Kelly went at it with everything he had in him. “I’m not a Disney princess in a castle. I’m—” He fumbled as he tried to think of an appropriate metaphor. “I’m Luke Skywalker wanting to get it on with Han Solo.” They’d been bought by Disney. The metaphor held.
Walter laughed, and his hand slid down to Kelly’s neck. “You’re so much hotter than Mark Hamill.”
Kelly shifted in Walter’s lap, trying to figure out an elegant way to maneuver into a straddle. There wasn’t one. He gave up and put Walter’s free hand on his hip.
Love Lessons Page 19
