“It’s my pleasure,” he said. He started to walk away and then stopped. “You didn’t tell the spirit Scott was your heart’s desire, did you?”
“Of course not. Why?”
“I was just wondering . . . nothing. Never mind.” He walked off down the hall. Lauren went back to her desk.
“Did you know the rate of depression at Christmas is sixteen times higher than the rest of the year?” Cassie said. She handed Lauren a package.
“What’s this?”
“It’s from your Secret Santa.”
Lauren opened it. It was a large book entitled, It’s a Wonderful Life: The Photo Album. On the cover, Jimmy Stewart was looking depressed.
* * *
“I figure it’ll take a half hour or so to pick out the presents,” Scott said, leading her past two inflatable palm trees into The Upscale Oasis. “And then we can have some supper and get acquainted.” He lay down on a massage couch. “What do you think about this?”
“How many presents do we have to buy?” Lauren asked, looking around the store. There were a lot of inflatable palm trees, and a jukebox, and several life-size cardboard cutouts of Malcolm Forbes and Leona Helmsley. Against the far wall were two high-rise aquariums and a bank of televisions with neon-outlined screens.
“Seventy-two.” He got up off the massage couch, handed her the list of employees and went over to a display of brown boxes tied with twine. “What about these? They’re handmade Yanomamo Christmas ornaments.”
“No,” Lauren said. “How much money do we have to spend?”
“The PMS Committee budgeted six thousand and there was five hundred left in the Sunshine Fund. We can spend . . .” He picked up a pocket calculator in the shape of Donald Trump and punched several buttons. “Ninety dollars per person, including tax. How about pet costume jewelry?” He held up a pair of rhinestone earrings for German shepherds.
“We got those last year,” Lauren said. She picked up a digital umbrella and put it back down.
“How about a car fax?” Scott said. “No, wait. This, this is it!”
Lauren turned around. Scott was holding up what looked like a gold cordless phone. “It’s an investment pager,” he said, punching keys. “See, it gives you the Dow Jones, treasury bonds, interest rates. Isn’t it perfect?”
“Well,” Lauren said.
“See, this is the hostile takeover alarm, and every time the Federal Reserve adjusts the interest rate it beeps.”
Lauren read the tag. “‘Portable Plutocrat. $74.99.’”
“Great,” Scott said. “We’ll have money left over.”
“To invest,” Lauren said.
He went off to see if they had seventy-two of them, and Lauren wandered over to the bank of televisions.
There was a videotape of Miracle on 34th Street lying on top of the VCR/shower massage. Lauren looked around to see if anyone was watching and then popped the Wonderful Life tape out and stuck in Miracle.
A dozen Edmund Gwenns dressed as Macy’s Santa Claus appeared on the screens, listening to twelve store managers tell them which overstocked toys to push.
Scott came over, lugging four shopping bags. “They come gift wrapped,” he said happily, showing her a Portable Plutocrat wrapped in green paper with gold dollar signs. “Which gives us a free evening.”
“That’s what I’ve been fighting against for years,” a dozen Edmund Gwenns said, tearing a dozen lists to bits, “the way they commercialize Christmas.”
* * *
“What I thought,” Scott said when they got in the car, “was that instead of going out for supper, we’d take these over to your apartment and order in.”
“Order in?” Lauren said, clutching the bag of Portable Plutocrats on her lap to her.
“I know a great Italian place that delivers. Angel hair pasta, wine, everything. Or, if you’d rather, we could run by the grocery store and pick up some stuff to cook.”
“Actually, my kitchen’s kind of a mess,” she said. There is a Christmas tree in it, she thought, with organic by-products hanging on it.
He pulled up outside her apartment building. “Then Italian it is.” He got out of the car and began unloading shopping bags. “You like prosciutto? They have a great melon and prosciutto.”
“Actually, the whole apartment’s kind of a disaster,” Lauren said, following him up the stairs. “You know, wrapping presents and everything. There are ribbons and tags and paper all over the floor—”
“Great,” he said, stopping in front of her door. “We have to put tags on the presents, anyway.”
“They don’t need tags, do they?” Lauren said desperately. “I mean, they’re all exactly alike.”
“It personalizes them,” he said, “it shows the gift was chosen especially for them.” He looked expectantly at the key in her hand and then at the door.
She couldn’t hear the TV, which was a good sign. And every time Fred had come over, the spirit had disappeared. So all I have to do is keep him out of the kitchen, she thought.
She opened the door and Scott pushed past her and dumped the shopping bags on the coffee table. “Sorry,” he said. “Those were really heavy.” He straightened up and looked around the living room. There was no sign of the spirit, but there were three Evian water bottles on the coffee table. “This doesn’t look too messy. You should see my apartment. I’ll bet your kitchen’s neater than mine, too.”
Lauren walked swiftly over to the kitchen and pulled the door shut. “I wouldn’t bet on it. Aren’t there still some more presents to bring up?”
“Yeah. I’ll go get them. Shall I call the Italian place first?”
“No,” Lauren said, standing with her back against the kitchen door. “Why don’t you bring the bags up first?”
“Okay,” he said, smiling meltingly, and went out.
Lauren leaped to the door, put the deadbolt and the chain on, and then ran back to the kitchen and opened the door. The tree was still there. She pulled the door hastily to and walked rapidly into the bedroom. He wasn’t there, or in the bathroom. “Thank you,” she breathed, looking heavenward, and went back in the living room.
The TV was on. Edmuud Gwenn was shouting at the store psychologist.
“You know, you were right,” the spirit said. He was stretched out on the couch, wearing a “Save the Black-Footed Ferret” T-shirt and jeans. “It’s not a bad movie. Of course, it’s not as good as It’s a Wonderful Life, but I like the way everything works out at the end.”
“What are you doing here?” she demanded, glancing anxiously at the door.
“Watching Miracle on 34th Street,” he said, pointing at the screen. Edmund Gwenn was brandishing his cane at the store psychiatrist. “I like the part where Edmund Gwenn asks Natalie Wood what she wants for Christmas, and she shows him the picture of the house.”
Lauren picked up Fred’s video and brandished it at him. “Fine. Then you can change Fred’s video back.”
“Okay,” he said and did something. She looked at Fred’s video. It showed Edmund Gwenn hugging Natalie Wood in front of a yellow moon with Santa Claus’s sleigh and reindeer flying across it. Lauren put the video hastily down on the coffee table.
“Thank you,” she said. “And my dress.”
“Natalie Wood doesn’t really want a house, of course. What she really wants is for Maureen O’Hara to marry John Payne. The house is just a symbol for what she really wants.”
On the TV Edmund Gwenn rapped the store psychologist smartly on the forehead with his cane.
There was a knock on the door. “It’s me,” Scott said.
“I also like the part where Edmund Gwenn yells at the store manager for pushing merchandise nobody wants. Christmas presents should be something the person wants. Aren’t you going to answer the door?”
“Aren’t you going to disappear?” she whispered.
“Disappear?” he said incredulously. “The movie isn’t over. And besides, I still haven’t gotten you what you want for Christma
s.” He did something, and a bowl of trail mix appeared on his stomach.
Scott knocked again.
Lauren went over to the door and opened it two inches.
“It’s me,” Scott said. “Why do you have the chain on?”
“I . . .” She looked hopefully at Chris. He was eating trail mix and watching Maureen O’Hara bending over the store psychologist, trying to wake him up.
“Scott, I’m sorry, but I think I’d better take a rain check on supper.”
He looked bewildered. And cute. “But I thought . . .” he said.
So did I, she thought. But I have a spirit on my couch who’s perfectly capable of turning you into a Yanomamo by-product.
“The Italian take-out sounds great,” she said, “but it’s kind of late, and we’ve both got to go to work tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow’s Saturday.”
“Uh . . . I meant go to work on wrapping presents. Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve, and I haven’t even started my wrapping. And I have to make cheese puffs for the office party and wash my hair and . . .”
“Okay, okay, I get the message,” he said. “I’ll just bring in the presents and then leave.”
She thought of telling him to leave them in the hall, and then closed the door a little and took the chain off the door.
Go away! she thought at the spirit, who was eating trail mix.
She opened the door far enough so she could slide out, and pulled it to behind her. “Thanks for a great evening,” she said, taking the shopping bags from Scott. “Good night.”
“Good night,” he said, still looking bewildered. He started down the hall. At the stairs he turned and smiled meltingly.
I’m going to kill him, Lauren thought, waving back, and took the shopping bags inside.
The spirit wasn’t there. The trail mix was still on the couch, and the TV was still on.
“Come back here!” she shouted. “You little rat! You have ruined my dress and my date, and you’re not going to ruin anything else! You’re going to change back my dress and my Christmas cards, and you are going to get that tree out of my kitchen right now!”
Her voice hung in the air. She sat down on the couch, still holding the shopping bags. On the TV, Edmund Gwenn was sitting in Bellevue, staring at the wall.
“At least Scott finally noticed me,” she said, and set the shopping bags down on the coffee table. They rattled.
“Oh, no!” she said. “Not the Plutocrats!”
* * *
“The problem is,” Fred said, closing the last of the books on the occult, “that we can’t exorcise him if we don’t know which seasonal spirit he is, and he doesn’t fit the profiles of any of these. He must be in disguise.”
“I don’t want to exorcise him,” Lauren said. “I want to kill him.”
“Even if we did manage to exorcise him, there’d be no guarantee that the things he’s changed would go back to their original state.”
“And I’d be stuck with explaining what happened to six thousand dollars’ worth of Christmas presents.”
“Those Portable Plutocrats cost six thousand dollars?”
“$5,895.36.”
Fred gave a low whistle. “Did your spirit say why he didn’t like them? Other than the obvious, I mean. That they were nonbiodegradable or something?”
“No. He didn’t even notice them. He was watching Miracle on 34th Street, and he was talking about how he liked the way things worked out at the end and the part about the house.”
“Nothing about Christmas presents?”
“I don’t remember.” She sank down on the couch. “Yes, I do. He said he liked the part where Edmund Gwenn yelled at the store manager for talking people into buying things they didn’t want. He said Christmas presents should be something the person wanted.”
“Well, that explains why he transformed the Plutocrats then,” Fred said. “It probably also means there’s no way you can talk him into changing them back. And I’ve got to have something to pass out at the office party, or you’ll be in trouble. So we’ll just have to come up with replacement presents.”
“Replacement presents?” Lauren said. “How? It’s ten o’clock, the office party’s tomorrow night, and how do we know he won’t transform the replacement presents once we’ve got them?”
“We’ll buy people what they want. Was six thousand all the money you and Scott had?”
“No,” Lauren said, rummaging through one of the shopping bags. “PMS budgeted sixty-five hundred.”
“How much have you got left?”
She pulled out a sheaf of papers. “He didn’t transform the purchase orders or the receipt,” she said, looking at them. “The investment pagers cost $5,895.36. We have $604.64 left.” She handed him the papers. “That’s eight dollars and thirty-nine cents apiece.”
He looked at the receipt speculatively and then into the shopping bag. “I don’t suppose we could take these back and get a refund from the Upscale Oasis?”
“They’re not going to give us $5,895.36 for seventy-two ‘Save the Ozone Layer’ buttons,” Lauren said. “And there’s nothing we can buy for eight dollars that will convince PMS it cost sixty-five hundred. And where am I going to get the money to pay back the difference?”
“I don’t think you’ll have to. Remember when the spirit changed your Christmas cards into the tree? He didn’t really. He returned them somehow to the store and got a refund. Maybe he’s done the same thing with the Plutocrats and the money will turn up on your coffee table tomorrow morning.”
“And if it doesn’t?”
“We’ll worry about that tomorrow. Right now we’ve got to come up with presents to pass out at the party.”
“Like what?”
“Staplers.”
“Staplers?”
“Like the one you got Cassie. Everybody in my department’s always losing their staplers, too. And their tape dispensers. It’s an office party. We’ll buy everybody something they want for the office.”
“But how will we know what that is? There are seventy-two people on this list.”
“We’ll call the department heads and ask them, and then we’ll go shopping.” He stood up. “Where’s your phone book?”
“Next to the tree.” She followed him into the kitchen. “How are we going to go shopping? It’s ten o’clock at night.”
“Bizmart’s open till eleven,” he said, opening the phone book, “and the grocery store’s open all night. We’ll get as many of the presents as we can tonight and the rest tomorrow morning, and that still gives us all afternoon to get them wrapped. How much wrapping paper do you have?”
“Lots. I bought it half-price last year when I decided this Christmas was going to be different. A stapler doesn’t seem like much of a present.”
“It does if it’s what you wanted.” He reached for the phone.
It rang. Fred picked up the receiver and handed it to Lauren.
“Oh, Lauren,” Cassie’s voice said. “I just opened your present, and I love it! It’s exactly what I wanted!”
“Really?” Lauren said.
“It’s perfect! I was so depressed about Christmas and the office party and still not having my shopping done. I wasn’t even going to open it, but in Let’s Forget Christmas it said you should open your presents early so they wouldn’t ruin Christmas morning, and I did, and it’s wonderful! I don’t even care whether Scott notices me or not! Thank you!”
“You’re welcome,” Lauren said, but Cassie had already hung up. She looked at Fred. “That was Cassie. You were right about people liking staplers.” She handed him the phone. “You call the department heads. I’ll get my coat.”
He took the phone and began to punch in numbers, and then put it down. “What exactly did the spirit say about the ending of Miracle on 34th Street?”
“He said he liked the way everything worked out at the end. Why?”
He looked thoughtful. “Maybe we’re going about this all wrong.”
“What do yo
u mean?”
“What if the spirit really does want to give you your heart’s desire, and all this transforming stuff is some roundabout way of doing it? Like the angel in It’s a Wonderful Life. He’s supposed to save Jimmy Stewart from committing suicide, and instead of doing something logical, like talking him out of it or grabbing him, he jumps in the river so Jimmy Stewart has to save him.”
“You’re saying he turned seventy-two Portable Plutocrats into ‘Save the Ozone Layer’ buttons to help me?”
“I don’t know. All I’m saying is that maybe you should tell him you want to go to the office party in a black sequined dress with Scott Buckley and see what happens.”
“See what happens? After what he did to my dress? If he knew I wanted Scott, he’d probably turn him into a Brazilian rain forest by-product.” She put on her coat. “Well, are we going to call the department heads or not?”
* * *
The Graphic Design department wanted staplers, and so did Accounts Payable. Accounts Receivable, which was having an outbreak of stress-related Christmas colds, wanted Puffs Plus and cough drops. Document Control wanted scissors.
Fred looked at the list, checking off Systems and the other departments they’d called. “All we’ve got left is the PMS Committee,” he said.
“I know what to get them,” Lauren said. “Copies of Let’s Forget Christmas.”
They got some of the things before Bizmart closed, and Fred was back at nine Saturday morning to do the rest of it. At the bookstore they ran into the woman who had been stapling presents together the day Lauren enlisted Fred’s help.
“I completely forgot my husband’s first wife,” she said, looking desperate, “and I don’t have any idea of what to get her.”
Fred handed her the videotape of It’s a Wonderful Life they were giving the receptionist. “How about one of these?” he said.
“Do you think she’ll like it?”
“Everybody likes it,” Fred said.
“Especially the part where the bad guy steals the money, and Jimmy Stewart races around town trying to replace it,” Lauren said.
* * *
It took them most of the morning to get the rest of the presents and forever to wrap them. By four they weren’t even half done.
A Yuletide Universe Page 14
