by A'zayler
I watched as some of my niggas sat there like they weren’t going to move while others stood to their feet. The ones who stood up were now holding hands while waiting for the others.
“Aye, that’s my li’l brother back there. Y’all better get y’all asses up and respect what the fuck she’s asking.” BB looked around the room. “Y’all already know how I feel about women, especially mine. Get y’all asses up.”
I had to laugh at BB for pulling rank on them niggas. It wasn’t long before everybody in the room was holding hands while Logan, Zebrina, and even my li’l thug remedy prayed. Never in my life had I been the emotional type, but watching my girls pray on my behalf moved me in a way I couldn’t even explain.
“Egypt.” I looked up, and the waiting room was gone.
All I saw now was a white room. There was a cool breeze brushing soothingly against my skin as I stood alone in the middle of the floor. The room was empty and serene. There was no one in sight, but I heard my name called again. I looked around, but I saw no one.
“Who’s there?” I looked around again. This time, when my eyes landed on the door, they watered.
I took off running straight to her. She hadn’t been the voice calling my name, but I’d take seeing her over anyone else any day.
“Ma!” I grabbed her and hugged her as tight as I could.
Everything about her was the same. The way she felt, the way she looked, even the way she smelled. She was her old self again before the cancer. The mama that I remembered. Not the dying shell of flesh that could barely breathe on her own.
“I missed you too, baby.” She pulled away but held my hands.
Her smile made me cry. “Mama, I don’t know how I’ve been living without you.”
I told her the first thing that came to mind because I honestly couldn’t really think of anything I wanted to say. I’d much rather just look at her. Her presence was enough for me. We didn’t have to talk.
“You’re doing very good, son. Mama is so proud of you.” Her hand touched the side of my face. “Azayna is so beautiful. I wish I could have met her.”
I was crying like hell by then. I was crying so hard that I couldn’t even think of anything to say to her. I wished she could have met her too. I wished she could have stayed and done a lot of stuff, but she hadn’t.
“I want to stay with you, Ma.” I hugged her again until she pulled out of my grasp. I really wished she would stop doing that.
“You must don’t miss me like I miss you?” I was desperate for her love. I felt like I’d been dying without it.
“Come here, baby. Let me show you something.”
I followed her, and out of nowhere, a large movie screen appeared. I jumped back and fell. It was so much blood everywhere.
“Come look, Egypt.” My mother’s comforting voice was the only thing that brought me back to my feet and to that bloody mess in front of me.
“Hurry up, he’s bleeding out,” the young, black doctor in the bright red scrub cap screamed to everybody else in the operating room. He looked to be not much older than me but was clearly the one in charge. Seeing that made me feel good. A young brother doing big things, that was legit. “Come on, people, his pressure is dropping.”
All of the blood I’d been afraid of was mine. The screen was obviously a picture of my current condition.
“This bullet has cauterized his curated artery,” Red Scrub Cap yelled again. “We need more blood, gotdammit!”
“Every time this man takes a breath, more blood is shooting out,” the other young female doctor said to no one in particular.
My body was shaking horribly as I stood there watching myself die. Sweat was coming from every pore, while my vision began to get blurry. My head was spinning, and I felt like I would pass out soon. I could feel my heart beating as I tried to fight for my life from where I was standing.
“We’re losing him! Fight young man, fight!” The doctor who had been operating on me stopped and began doing chest compressions. “Work on that artery!”
Everyone in the room began to scramble as my body jumped from the doctor’s weight. Blood spurted out every time he pushed my chest. It was failing… I was failing.
“Egypt, are you ready to die, baby?”
I looked at my mother. Her eyes were sad, and her face was wet with tears as she looked at me. I was unsure of what to say. I couldn’t necessarily say I was ready to die, but if I did, then I could finally be back with her. Now that was what I did want.
“Can I be with you?” I asked her desperately.
She gave me that same warm smile that she’d been giving me since she’d come. I was waiting for her to say something to me, but the loud beeping of the machine got my attention first.
“Dammit!” Red Scrub Cap yelled while snatching his blood covered garments off and throwing them onto the floor.
The room grew quiet as everyone stood around watching him. The other doctor who had been helping dropped her head while removing her gloves and covering her face with both of her hands.
“Call it,” Red Scrub Cap said.
Doctor number two raised her head, looked up, and spoke solemnly. “Time of death, twenty-two, eleven.” Sulking, she removed her garments as well. “I’ll go inform the family.”
Red Scrub Cap stopped her. “I’ll do it. You did good today.”
I stood there unable to catch my breath. My lifeless body was lying there with my insides exposed and still leaking blood. When all of the air in my body left, I fell to my knees and dropped my head while grabbing my chest. I wasn’t really sure what I was reaching for, but I needed something, anything to hold on to. If I thought that was bad, my sister’s screams nearly took me out.
Somehow, I was back in the waiting room, and it was nothing like before. Both doctors were standing in front of my daddy, BB, and Yeshi, while Azayna and Logan were falling apart in front of them. Zebrina wasn’t any better. She was seated in a chair with her head against the wall crying uncontrollably. My father had just snatched his tie off and yelled on his way to the elevators. Yeshi and BB were doing their best to hear the doctors out, but I could see from the looks on their faces that they weren’t much better.
“Oh God, oh God, oh Godddddd!” Logan heaved while looking to the sky. “Oh Jesus, I can’t do this. Not my baby.” she fell face first onto the dirty floor.
“Get up Logan, I’m right here, sis!” I rushed to my feet again trying to grab for her, but I couldn’t reach her. Something was blocking me, but I couldn’t see whatever it was. Some sort of invisible barrier was keeping me from my people.
“Egypt…” Azayna groaned my name in sheer agony.
It sounded nothing like it did all of the other times she said it. This time, it was laced with so much pain that I could feel it for her.
“I needed you, Egypt,” she continued to cry while pulling at her locs.
“I need you too, boo. Stop crying. I’m here, I’m right here!” I yelled and hit against that invisible barrier again until I got too worked up and fell to the floor. “How did this happen?” I too was crying now.
Seeing all of my family torn up over me was making me feel hollow on the inside. Like before, my mother’s voice brought me back. All of these years I’d been living as if my life hadn’t mattered to anyone else when clearly, it did. To a lot of people.
“Get up, Egypt.”
“I can’t, Ma.” I held my head up but stayed where I was.
“Are you ready to die, Egypt?” she asked me again, and the room began to glow.
I looked around wildly, not sure what was going on. The glow was so bright that I had to squint and shield my eyes with my hand, but it still didn’t help. The glow was an array of colors, like a rainbow, and it was like the sun times a million. The strange thing about it, though, was that I could still see my mother just fine, the operating room holding my lifeless body, and all of my feeling was still there.
I knew that for sure because I could feel every ounce of fear, unce
rtainty, hurt, and fading that encompassed me in that moment. It was like I could literally feel myself dying and slipping away.
“Mama, help me!” I yelled to her, but all she did was smile.
I jumped to my feet and began walking toward her the best I could with my eyes practically closed from the glow.
“Mama!” I screamed as she began to fade away. “Come back, I’m scared!” I yelled again.
When it felt like she was getting away too fast, I began to run. I ran with all my might, but I was still in the same place. I looked all around me. No matter how hard I pushed myself, I was stuck in the same place. My mind was boggled, and my fear was becoming so overwhelming that I even sped up, thinking that would help. The harder I ran, the further away my mama got. Eventually, I couldn’t see her at all.
“Egypt, you can’t outrun me.”
Something that I wouldn’t even consider a voice sounded out around me. It was more like a bullhorn, an echoing speaker system, some thunder and lightning all pushed together. Matter of fact, I can’t even explain how it sounded, but it was so loud and strong that it shook my body. I looked around, trying to see where it was coming from, but I couldn’t find it because the glow was too strong.
“Who are you?” I yelled.
A burst of fire surrounded me and mixed in with the glowing light of colors. Along with the fire, the coolness that I’d felt grew stronger. So strong that I actually began to shiver.
“Stand up and open your eyes, Egypt.”
“I can’t.”
“Stand up!”
My entire existence shook, but I hopped up. It shook me so badly that I felt my soul shake inside my body. Once I stood firmly to my feet, I opened my eyes slowly, afraid of being blinded from the fire and light, but when I finally did, miraculously, I could stand the atmosphere.
“Egypt, are you ready to die?” the room roared again.
I looked around, trying to decide how to answer the question. “I… I don’t… I don’t know.”
“You’re not. Go home, live a life you’re not afraid to lose. Turn your yourself around and do better. The next time death comes, there will be nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.”
My body shivered like I was trapped naked in a snowstorm.
“There’s mercy on one side, and there’s judgement on the other. Don’t get caught with your work undone.”
My mind was racing, and everything was moving all around me as I began to sweat, and my chest pumped heavily.
“Save your soul and breathe again.”
Gone was the fire, gone was the wind, gone was the glow, and gone was the voice that sounded like thunder. I was back in a hospital room with voices speaking quietly around me. I moved a little, straining to open my eyes. Everything was black, but only for a few minutes. Seconds later, my eyes popped open, and my world was alright again.
I could see everybody I loved. From my sister, to my partners, to my boo, even my daddy’s old lying ass was there. Everybody was there, and even though my body was in an extreme amount of pain, I literally felt better than I’d ever felt before. The moment they noticed my eyes were open, they all rushed to me. I wanted to smile, I wanted to talk, I wanted to do a lot of stuff, but I couldn’t. What I could do, though, was close my eyes and thank God for sparing my life, so that’s what I did.
Chapter Five
-Azayna
I looked over my shoulder once more before walking out of the door and closing it behind me. I had given Egypt his pain meds nearly thirty minutes ago, and he’d finally fallen asleep. Caring for him had been touch and go during his first week home, but I’d been nursing my boo back to health and would continue until he was good on his feet again, which wouldn’t be long.
Thankfully, his gunshot wound hadn’t caused too much major damage, and he’d been able to come home a lot faster than they’d expected. Many of his friends and even some of the nurses had been blown away by his rapid recovery, but I wasn’t. I knew the power of God, so I knew what he could and would do. I couldn’t count how many times he’d spared my life and saved me from myself.
“Hey, P. What’s going on?” I walked into the bathroom and took a seat on the side of the tub.
I looked around at all of the blue and orange stickers plastered on the walls of the boys’ bathroom. Being that Logan insisted on bringing Egypt back to Georgia with her and helping me care for him, I was trapped in a bathroom full of cartoon characters. I’d rejected it as much as I could, but being that she was his next of kin, and I was barely his girlfriend, what could I really say?
“How you doing, baby girl? I haven’t heard from you.”
“I know I’ve been missing in action, but life has been crazy.” I ran my hand through my hair and yawned.
Things had been so fast paced that Pat and I still hadn’t had the chance to chop it up the way I’d wanted to and possibly get to know each other on a personal level. Egypt had gotten shot immediately after our first encounter, so there had been no time to establish anything stable between us.
“How’s everything? How’s your li’l nigga doing?” he asked sourly.
I wanted to correct him so badly, for referring to Egypt like he was some sort of peasant, but I didn’t. I already knew how that gang beef went, so I just looked over it for now, but the moment I got to know him better and was positive he wouldn’t put a bullet in me, then it was over with for all that Egypt dissing.
I rolled my eyes, regretting even texting him to inform him of Egypt’s condition. “He’s fine. How are you? What’s going on in your neck of the woods?” I turned the conversation away from Egypt.
Pat might have been my daddy, but I didn’t know him like I knew Egypt. Nor did I love him like I felt like I loved Egypt.
“Business as usual. I’d like for us to have dinner or something one of these days and catch up.”
“Right now might not be the best because of everything that’s going on, but maybe later.” I purposely avoided telling him that I was out of town.
“Maybe later what?” Egypt’s voice almost made me pee on myself.
I jumped so hard that I nearly dropped my phone. When I looked up, he was standing there, bare-chested in a pair of gym shorts. The bandage on his neck was fresh and adding to his sex appeal. I’d changed it before giving him his meds earlier, and even with the fresh white cloth being medically induced, something about knowing it was from a bullet wound made my panties wet.
I’d loved a street nigga for as long as I’d been attracted to men, so to have one of my own standing there healing from a gunshot wound that derived from his car getting sprayed made me want to fan myself. I know it was something wrong with me for feeling that way, but I loved what I loved. I couldn’t help myself.
“Who you on the phone with?” His voice was just as low as it had been with his first question, even a little raspier than before.
“Uh,” I sat there dumbfounded as hell because I truly didn’t know what to say.
I could tell him the truth and get killed or tell him a lie and get killed. There really was no way to get out of it, and I hadn’t thought fast enough on my feet because, there I was, sitting stuck just like a bitch who had gotten caught out by her nigga.
“Azayna, who the fuck you talking to?” His hand raised a little in my direction.
“My um, my uh,” I tapped the side of my thigh while trying to think of something to say.
“Your uh what?” his voice raised just a tad, and because I was afraid he would hurt himself trying to talk, I just got the hell on with it.
“My daddy.”
He frowned in confusion because I’d already told him on countless occasions that I was alone in the world and had never had my father in my life. I’m sure he either didn’t believe me, or he was just as shocked as I had been when I’d first run into Pat.
Egypt looked away slowly before looking back and at me and giving me a death stare. “Why you got to lie all the time?”
Absolutely neglecting the fa
ct that Pat was still on the phone, I stood up to defend myself. “I’m serious. I’m not lying to you.”
“Yeah.” Egypt walked the bathroom, leaving me to my thoughts.
The way my eyes shifted around the bathroom without any specific destination was a replica of my thoughts. Everything in my head was running a mile a minute, and not one solution made sense. I could hear Pat on the line calling my name and reminding me he was still on the phone.
“Talk to your boy and call me back when you get some time.”
“Uh, yeah, okay. I’ll do that. Talk to you soon.”
I tried to end the conversation better so that I wouldn’t have two men mad at me at once. When my phone screen blinked, displaying our ended call, I set my phone on the counter and dropped my head. With both of my palms pressed flat open along the edge of the counter, I took a few deep breaths. I needed a minute just to breathe. I’d been speeding through the weeks of Egypt’s recovery, not giving myself an ounce of rest. That minor break was so much life right then.
“Give me the strength, Lord.” I inhaled and walked out of the bathroom.
I didn’t bother to take my phone with me, which I would later notice was a bad idea, and strolled casually back into the bedroom with Egypt. He was no longer lying in bed but was sitting straight up on the side of it. He wasn’t doing or saying anything, just sitting. Maybe he too was experiencing the tranquility of just being alone to breathe.
“Egypt.” I stood in the door admiring everything that was him.
His free formed locs going in every direction, sexy face and tattoos, bandaged neck, and flat mouth with tired eyes to match.
“That really was my father. I was going to tell you that I’d found him, but all of this happened.”
When he didn’t say anything, I got nervous and walked to where he was. After I’d squatted down in front of him, I touched his knee and looked up so that I could see his face.
“I don’t want you to be mad at me. It’s the truth.”
He remained quiet, further taking my nerve.
“Egypt, say something, please.”
