by Paula Stokes
“Mmhmm.” She makes a clicking sound with her tongue. “This room is a mess. When did you get so slovenly?”
“Sorry. I’ll clean it tomorrow,” Jordy says.
I hear her footsteps cross the floor.
Toward me. Oh my God, oh my God, ohmygod.
“Why is your shirt on inside out?” his mom asks.
“Uh . . . it’s a style thing.”
“I see.” She sniffs. “Why do you smell like alcohol? Also a style thing?” Without waiting for a response, she yanks back the comforter with one hand, exposing me. Sighing deeply, she looks away from the bed. “Stanford. Not again.”
Jordy looks back and forth from me to his mom, a defiant expression on his face. “This is Maguire. Maguire, my mom, Eileen.”
“Hi,” I manage to choke out. I can’t look at her. I can’t look at anyone. I glance around the room, half-hoping for a containable electrical fire or a small-scale earthquake. Where’s a good minor catastrophe when you need one?
“How do you do?” his mom asks, but she’s not looking at me either. Her eyes are glued to Jordy. “How many times are you going to make this mistake?”
My face burns. I’m fully clothed, but somehow I’ve never felt more naked. I ball the fabric of Jordy’s sheet in my hands. Mistake? How many times? What does that mean exactly?
“She’s not a mistake, Mom,” Jordy says. “She’s my girlfriend. Or I was asking her to be my girlfriend when you knocked.”
Mrs. Wheeler’s eyes flick momentarily to mine. “You should probably go, dear.” She turns back to Jordy. “Where’s your phone. Deactivate the front-door alarm for her.”
“No. She’s not leaving,” he says. “We weren’t doing anything wrong.”
“It’s okay, Jordy.” I stare at my hands. “I’ll go.”
“I think that would be for the best,” his mom says.
He shakes his head. “Don’t leave.”
His mom turns her attention to me completely. Her eyes are a cool ice blue, almost gray. “I’m sure you’re a lovely girl, but right now is an important time for Stanford and his career. The past few weeks he’s been recovering from an injury, but he’s also seemed . . . unfocused. Distracted. He’s struggling in matches that should be easy for him.”
“Oh my God, Mom. She is not the reason I’ve been losing.” Jordy turns to me. “You’re not. I swear.”
But his mom’s words are like a blast of machine gun fire to my gut. It never even occurred to me that I might have caused Jordy to lose with something other than my bad luck. Is just thinking about me affecting his game? His career? His whole future? If so, then it doesn’t matter if I’m cursed or not. Caring about me is bad for him. I can’t bear that.
“Maybe your mom is right.” I slide out from under the covers and smooth the wrinkles from my skirt. I start pulling my shoes back on.
“What?” The blood drains from Jordy’s face. “No. Don’t let her run you off like this, Maguire.”
“No one is running anyone off,” his mom says. “But if she cares about you, she won’t want to—”
“If you care about me, you’ll let me make some decisions for myself,” Jordy says.
“I don’t want to be the one who messes up your future,” I say hoarsely. I twist my hair back up into a bun.
“Then don’t leave,” he says.
My eyes flick to his for a moment, but that’s all I can take. There’s so much pain in his expression. “It seems like you guys need to talk.”
“We all need to talk,” Jordy says.
“Okay,” I say. “But you guys should talk first.” I give him one last look and head for the hallway.
The tears come as I hit the stairs. Behind me I hear Jordy’s mom yelling. “We had an agreement, Stanford. Don’t you remember what happened the last time you let yourself get distracted?”
“You can’t keep me from having friends. That’s not living.”
“It’s not friends I’m worried about.”
“I’m sick of you telling me what to do and who to be!”
I plug my ears with my fingertips. I don’t want to hear it—any of it. I almost crash into Penn in the foyer. She must be just getting home from Kimber’s.
She grabs my arm as I go for the front door. “What is it?” she whispers. “What happened?”
“Your mom happened,” I say. “I’ve got to go. I’m Jade’s ride.”
Penn follows me outside. “Hold up. I’ll walk you back to Kimber’s.”
“You don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine. You looked wrecked. My mom has that effect on people. Did she . . . interrupt you guys or something?” When I don’t respond, Penn keeps talking. “He’s crazy about you. He’ll talk some sense into her, okay? Just don’t feel bad, because this conversation has needed to happen for a while, and it’s more about the two of them than it is about you.”
“I don’t know.” I pause in front of Kimber’s house. “Your mom made it sound like I’m the fifth girl she’s found in his bedroom this month.”
Penn gasps. “That is not true, Maguire. My brother isn’t a saint, but he’s not some sleazy man-whore, either. You’re the only girl he’s even talked about in over a year.”
I want to believe her, but that’s just my ego. What Jordy is or isn’t doesn’t really matter if their mom is right and thinking about me has caused him to lose matches. “You should get home so you don’t get in trouble too. And you might want some gum or something. She smelled alcohol on him right away.”
“Thanks.” Penn reaches over and gives me a quick hug. “Jordy will fix this.”
“Yeah,” I say. But I’m not sure this can be fixed.
I knock on the front door of Kimber’s house. No one answers, so I let myself inside. The living room is empty. Kimber and Darius are in the kitchen cleaning up.
Kimber folds a pizza box in half and tucks it into a trash can. “Sorry, New Girl. I didn’t hear you knock,” she says flatly.
I can’t help but wonder what I did to get myself downgraded back to “new girl” status. “I’m just looking for Jade.”
“She’s outside.”
“Thanks.” I head for the sliding glass door.
“Actually, I need a word with you.” Kimber grabs my arm, her fingers clamping down on my skin tight enough to cut off the circulation. She pulls me down the hallway and into a bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Who knew a six-foot by six-foot cube filled with fluffy pink rugs and towels could feel so dangerous?
“I’m not in a very good mood right now,” I say. “What is it?”
She leans against the door. “You need to stop messing with Jordy.”
God. I guess that’s the theme of the evening.
“You’re not the boss of me,” I say. “And I’m not messing with him.”
“Really? Because I watched you kiss him a few hours ago, and then I find out you gave my brother’s friend your number, and then you apparently ran off with Jordy again a few minutes later. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but don’t jerk around one of my best friends, okay?”
“I didn’t give Shawn my number. He gave me his. I have no intention of calling him.”
Kimber crosses her arms. “Then why did you take his number?”
“I guess because I’m not any good at being a bitch.” Like you, I think.
Her lips purse, and I’m pretty sure she read my mind on that last part. I don’t even care. I blame myself for enough things as it is. I’m not going to let other people blame me for stuff I didn’t even do.
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” I tell her. “Jordy’s mom just kicked me out of their house. Pretty sure she’s not going to let him see me ever again.” My voice cracks. The tears surge up from nowhere. I step back, grab a tissue from a pastel pink tissue-box holder, and blot my eyes.
“Oh, wow.” Kimber cocks her head to the side and studies me. “You really like him.”
“Yeah.” I sniff. I’m
a little surprised that fact hasn’t been obvious to her.
Her dark eyes bore straight through me. “Not just because he’s cute or famous?”
“No! Why would you think that?”
She starts ticking things off on her fingers. “You show up out of nowhere and work really hard to get his attention. You’re clearly good at tennis but still ask for extra help. You seem distracted at practice. You seem nervous enough at your matches that he feels the need to spend most of his time supporting you.”
“Yeah, and?” I ask. “Did it ever occur to you that might actually be who I am? That maybe I have reasons for being distracted or nervous? Did you really think I faked not knowing how to serve so he’d spend time with me? That I hit him with a tennis ball to get him to notice me in the first place?” I am practically yelling by the time I finish.
“Okay, okay. Calm yourself,” Kimber says. “But believe me, I’ve seen shadier things done.”
“Not by me. Jordy has been so amazing. You have no idea.” I blink back another round of tears.
“Oh, I have an idea. We’ve been friends since we were kids.” A smile touches her lips. “I know how great he is. I also know he has a big heart. I just didn’t want to see him wasting time on someone who didn’t appreciate everything he has to offer.”
“I appreciate him.” I ball the tissue in my fist.
“I can see that now.” She pats me awkwardly on the shoulder. “Sorry for giving you a hard time. And don’t worry about his mom. Her bark is way worse than her bite. If you stand your ground, she’ll accept you eventually.”
Too bad I did the exact opposite of stand my ground.
I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are red, my skin is blotchy, and hair is pulling loose from my bun, frizzing out in all directions like a storm cloud. Kimber is probably wondering what Jordy even sees in me.
I tuck a rogue spiral of hair behind my ear. “Why are you being nice to me?”
“Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”
“Well, you and Jordy. I thought you two used to hook up or something . . .”
Kimber bursts out laughing. “Who told you that? Because I know it wasn’t him.”
“It’s just something I heard,” I say, not wanting to betray Jade. “I mean, anyone can see how much you like him.”
“Ah, rumors. Well, you got that part right at least. I do like him, but only as a friend.”
“But he told me you guys kissed.”
“Yeah, in middle school. It’s a long story, but trust me, we were never together. I know that as a sophomore he made the decision with his parents to put his social life on hold to focus on tennis. At that point, it seemed like what he wanted to do. But things change. Jordy is a big boy, and anyone can see how much he likes you. If he’s happy, I’m happy.”
I think of the look on Jordy’s face as I slinked out of his bedroom. Too bad he’s not happy, and neither am I.
There’s a soft knock on the bathroom door. Kimber opens it, and Jade peeks her head in. “Oh look. It’s my ride home,” she teases.
“Drive safe, you two,” Kimber says. She heads back into the kitchen as Jade and I turn toward the front door.
“Sorry,” I tell Jade. “I didn’t mean to strand you.”
“No bigs.” Jade leans in. “Are those tears? What were you doing locked in the bathroom, crying with Kimber? You didn’t even drink anything, did you?”
“Nope.” I step back out into the night. Jade and I start walking down the street to where Jordy parked my car. I can’t help but peek up at the Wheeler house. It’s all dark except for a light on the second floor. His room. “I went to Jordy’s for a little bit. His mom caught us up in his room.”
Jade waits for me to say more.
I unlock the car and slide into the driver’s seat. “We were just kissing and stuff, but God, the way his mom looked at me. She called me ‘a mistake.’”
“Ouch. What did Jordy say?”
“Well, he said I wasn’t a mistake. But then they started yelling at each other, and she accused me of being the reason he’s been off his game.”
“Double ouch.”
“Yeah. She told me to leave. He told me not to leave. I left. Everything is messed up.”
“Relationships are messy,” Jade says. “But when two people like each other, they work it out.” She clicks her seat belt and then reaches over to pat my hand.
I shake my head. “I think it’s better if I leave him alone. I don’t want to be the reason he’s losing.”
CHAPTER 30
Jordy isn’t at practice the next day or at our match on Thursday. Penn says he’s playing a tournament in Brazil. I wonder if his mom squeezed him into some international matches just to get him away from me. I search for him online and see that he’s advanced to the third round of something called the Santa Caterina Cup. Good for him. As much as I miss him, I’m glad he’s back doing what he loves. I think about texting him, but decide that I should let him focus on tennis while I concentrate on my own goals.
I spend Thursday and Friday reinforcing my therapy challenges. I ride the team bus, give Penn a lift home from school, and hit the mall with my mom to pick up some stuff for Jacob. I almost hop onto the San Diego Trolley that goes from the northern part of the city to the Mexican border, but as I’m standing on the platform I start to hyperventilate. I try some relaxation exercises and think about the coping statements Daniel taught me, but I just can’t bring myself to board when the train cruises to a stop and the automatic doors open. At first I feel like a failure, but Daniel told me to trust my gut so that’s what I do.
On the weekend, I wake up early each morning and go for a long run around the neighborhood. I spend the afternoons doing homework and going through the Ireland guidebooks, taking notes on the city where my grandmother lives and the surrounding area. I look up the various types of planes that fly internationally and study their safety features.
My trip to Ireland is finally starting to feel real.
On Monday, Penn flags me down at practice to be her hitting partner.
“How’s your brother?” I ask.
“He’s good. He made it to the semis. He and my mom got back last night.” Then she says, “He told me you took her side. Is that true?”
I sigh. “I guess I did.”
She bounces a ball on the face of her racquet repeatedly. “Why would you do that?”
“What if she’s right? What if I was distracting him from his game?”
“Then that’s Jordy’s problem to deal with. Not hers. And not yours.”
“But I don’t want to be Jordy’s problem. I would rather leave him alone so he can focus.”
She arches a blonde eyebrow at me. “You think bailing on him did him a favor? That he’s not even more distracted now because he’s sad? And because he misses you?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I figured being apart would be helpful, give both of us a chance to work on our issues.”
Penn coils her braid around her hand “I don’t know why you want to do it alone instead of together, but whatever.”
I start to respond but she holds up a hand. “You know what? It’s not my business. Forget I mentioned it.”
If only it were that easy.
I try to forget, but I keep thinking about how Penn said Jordy was sad, that he missed me. I check my phone about fifty times on Monday night, hoping for a text that never comes.
Jordy shows up to our home match on Tuesday, but he arrives after I start playing and leaves before I’m finished. If it weren’t for my five-second checks, I might not have even noticed him. He doesn’t say a single word to me the whole afternoon. I tell myself it’s because other people needed his help more—I won easily 6–2, 6–1—but deep down I know that he’s avoiding me.
On Wednesday, Penn informs me that Jordy gained last-minute entry into another international tournament when a seeded player had to withdraw. He’s going to be gone the rest of the week.
> Jade tries to get me to go to the Homecoming dance with her and a couple of friends from theater class, but I beg off. Even before I decided I was cursed I never had any interest in school dances.
Penn tries to get me to go to the football game, which sounds like a lot more fun. Daniel and I talk about it in our Friday session and he says it’s a good idea, not just going to a crowded place, but going to one with friends. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to get on the trolley—I was all alone.
Still, the football game is a big step for me since the last sporting event I attended ended in Penn being transported to the emergency room. I spend some time on Saturday morning doing relaxation exercises and an extra set of good luck rituals.
An hour before the game starts, I meet Penn, Jade, and two girls Jade knows from theater class in front of the school. The five of us sit high in the bleachers, cheering on our Pacific Point Porpoises who unfortunately lose 41–6. I do a five-second check after each play. No one gets injured, unless you count our quarterback’s pride. He completes only eight passes all game and throws three interceptions.
“We could’ve put on pads and done a better job than that,” Jade mutters as our football team slinks off the field.
We head to the parking lot as a group. Jade and her friends sit on the steps in front of the school to wait for her mom to pick them up. Penn and I turn toward the student parking lot. Jordy’s car is parked in the far corner and for a moment I think maybe my good day is going to get even better. And then Penn pulls a set of keys from her pocket and I realize she drove herself. My chin drops to my chest and my shoulders slump forward.
“What are you doing next weekend?” she asks.
“You mean for Halloween?”
“I was actually thinking about Sunday.”
“No plans. Why?”
“My friend and I are going to Belmont Park. You want to come? You could bring Jade if you want.” Penn glances back at the school steps.
“What’s Belmont Park?” I pause in front of my mom’s car.
“It’s this amusement park at Mission Beach. It’s kind of small, but it’s got rides, games, a kick-ass roller coaster.”
“Roller coaster?” I ask.
