by J. L. Beck
“It broke what was left of my beating heart, Tuck. I loved her, for the first time in years I opened myself up to someone again only to lose them. It’s like I’m reliving a constant nightmare. A clear reminder that I can’t have good things in my life.” The pain and truthfulness in those very words evoked enough emotion out of me to cause my fist to come flying down on the table we were sitting at and the coffee to slush out of our cups.
“Calm the fuck down,” Tuck hushed me, placing his hand upon my shoulder. His fingers squeezed the skin as if he knew I needed some type of connection to the present.
“I’m reliving the pain all over again. Losing my sister was hard. It was the hardest thing in the world. There isn’t a moment that goes by where I’m not thinking about her. Her death pushed me into this life, and when I met Ellie, I felt something I hadn’t in years. Life. Love. A rush of blood to a part of my body that I thought was nothing but a cold block of ice.” My feelings were bursting from deep inside of me. A river that had been damned for years was close to breaking.
“That’s why we have to focus on taking out Drake and her father. We have to put an end to all the chaos they caused. It’s our jobs to make them pay for the death of those we love,” Tuck exclaimed.
“We?” I asked as I shrugged his hand off my shoulder no longer wanting to be touched.
“Yes, we. We're in this together, man.”
“No. You said those we love? Who is we? What aren't you telling me?” I questioned him. My blood was boiling. I knew we all had secrets. Secrets we wished to keep hidden, but this was my best friend. Hell, my only friend. I've told him things that haunted me while he’d kept his secret.
Secrets.
They make or break you.
“I was speaking in general, but mostly because you're like my brother. When you lose something, so do I.” The look in his eyes, even the slight, almost unnoticeable tremble in his voice sounded sincere, but I can't stop myself from questioning him further.
“Tell me one thing. Why did you lie on the phone? Why did you tell me you were there that night when you weren’t? When you had been missing in fucking action for hours on end? Why?!” I ask, my voice rising with each word causing more and more people to start to stare, their eyes seeking us out, their mouths moving, making their own assumptions.
“Can I help you?” I barked at the table next to us, the women's eyes growing wide with fear as they scurried away.
“Enough, Grayson. You’re going to draw too much attention to us,” Tuck intersected before I could take my anger out on the bystanders. Gripping the back of my jacket, he yanked me up from the table and dragged me right outside into the busy street.
“Get the fuck off of me before I do something stupid like break your fucking face,” I seethed, pulling from his grip and taking a step back. My chest burned and my eyes glazed over as I pushed the tears that desperately wanted to fall from my eyes away. I was a grown ass man, on the verge of a mental breakdown.
“Take your fucking shot, brother,” Tuck joked, his laughter filtering down the alleyway I had stepped into. I didn’t need to be seen gallivanting the city streets.
“That’s just what he wants, Tuck. He wants us to be exactly as he created us to be. Of course, he wants me to act out in rage and violence. That’s why I’m still here, that's why I'm still breathing,” I bellowed, taking another step away from him. Yes, I wanted to avenge Ellie’s death and make her father pay, but a part of me knew that’s what he expected of me.
“They take away the things we love most because it’s easier to keep us confined that way. You can’t leave if you don’t have an exit.” Ellie’s father wanted a killer loose on the streets doing his dirty work. He wanted me as broken as I was when I lost my sister.
“I have something to tell you.” Tuck’s words snapped me back to the present and immediately I was in his face, waiting for him to finish his sentence. His eyes diverted away from mine as if he was trying to keep his secrets hidden a little while longer. “What I’m going to tell you changes nothing. The focus still needs to be on removing these fuckers from this city because if we don’t Ellie’s father and Drake—fuck even the brotherhood— will never stop.” I bit my tongue not wanting to interrupt him but wanting to know what the fuck was going on.
“Nothing you say can change their fate. It's still going to happen. I don’t care how heartbroken I am over. It doesn’t change anything.” I stared at him straight on, my eyes frantic. “It changes nothing.”
Tuck slowly slid his hands into his front pockets and then tipped his head back groaning loudly as if he was contemplating telling me.
Pushing my chest into his, I narrowed my eyes at him. He was a breath away from being slammed onto the concrete.
“What are you waiting for? Tell me the truth now. Tell me where you really were and what you were really doing that night.” Air filtered in through my nose as my nostrils flared, anger raging just below the surface. That adrenaline rush that always seemed to hit me right before I made a kill was entering my bloodstream. Tuck had all of five seconds to start speaking before I did something I was sure I would regret later. I was a bull in a china shop. A bullet exiting a chamber. In plain terms, I was ready to kill.
“Ellie is alive.” The words rushed out of him, and every single fiber in my body seemed to freeze. Air no longer existed. My heartbeat thrummed in my ears, and sweat covered my body as if it was raining from the sky.
“Love isn’t real, Grayson.” I couldn’t see the face of the man speaking to me, but his words hit me directly in the chest.
“I know what is real,” I whispered softly.
“You know nothing but what I want you to know,” the man screamed, a slap landing against my face right after.
“What I feel deep inside…” I growled, taking a step closer instead of retreating. Images of Stephanie entered my mind. “Is real. Love is real. What happened to her is real!” I screamed, making each one of my words bigger than his.
“It can’t be real,” I sneered, challenging him to prove me wrong. He had to prove me wrong. Otherwise, he would forever be a liar in my eyes.
“It’s real, Grayson. That's where I was that night. That's what I was doing. I made sure she stayed alive. I made sure she made it out of that place in one piece. It was the least I could do,” Tuck confessed, his eyes begging me to believe him.
It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. I continued to repeat the thought in my mind. I knew when something sounded too good to be true and that was what this was. A too good to be true moment. A trap.
“Stop! Stop fucking with me. Stop trying to make me go back. It’s not happening.”
“It’s real. It’s not a lie or a ploy. It was a plan I somewhat devised as I searched for her. I didn’t expect to take her, but at the same time if it happened I was going to be prepared. I knew I made a commitment to you, so I went digging in hopes of finding out where she could be hidden. When I stumbled upon her and Luke— I mean Drake— and saw how beaten she was, there was nothing that could stop me from taking her. Fuck, you weren’t the only one blown away by his true identity, man. I question myself daily on how I never suspected a thing. How I missed it,” he paused and ran his hand through his hair before continuing on, “Anyways, I did a little flirting and haggling at the hospital with a nurse that I showed a good time a couple of months ago. I’m glad I kept her around because with her help I was able to get a drug that they use to place patients into a coma called Midazolam. It forces your brain to slow your heart rate and breathing down.” He paused once again, getting his bearings together.
“I was originally going to see if I could find some info about where she was being held. My intention was never to go in alone or to keep anything a secret from you when it concerned her. But when I saw what he was about to do to her, everything changed and I was forced to act on my own. I couldn’t control the anger I was feeling, and I went for him. If I had left Ellie there to be discovered, they would’ve killed her
thinking she attacked Drake, and I'm sure he would have the others think she did as well. I had the medication needed with me to pull it all off, so I dosed her up and passed her off as dead.”
I gripped at my hair in frustration. How had he been able to do this and to keep it a secret for days? He lied to me and it wasn’t a white lie. It was a lie between life and death. He kept it from me for days while I wallowed in pity, grief, and remorse. Did he think he was protecting me from the inevitable?
“Why should I believe everything you're telling me? Why should I trust you after all the lies? Why would the brotherhood still trust you after you attacked Drake?
“I already told you I'm not working for him anymore. I'm no longer a part of the brotherhood. They just don't know that. They think I'm out on the streets searching for you. I call them every day and tell them I have yet to track you anywhere in the city and they tell me to keep looking. That you'll show your face soon enough. That's why they trust me. You should trust me because after I attacked Drake—as you put it—I wrapped my hands around Ellie’s throat with no pressure at all while I slipped the syringe from my sleeve and inserted it into her neck. From the camera view, it looked as if I were choking her, but that wasn’t the case at all. After the medicine took effect in her body, I knew my plan could work, so I got a safe place to take Ellie ready when it came time to dispose of her body. When I returned, they wanted me to do the dirty work. After I had her hidden away safely instead of sinking to the bottom of the ocean, I went back to the brotherhood. Boss questioned me. Wanted to know why I attacked another brother. I told him because she had been beaten within an inch of her life, she was barely holding on, and my so called brother was about to rape her. I told him I attacked Drake because I wanted to be the person to take her last breath away from her, that I wanted a taste of what she had given you so I could understand why you’d all but went against us and everything we stood for. I told them what I thought and knew they wanted to hear. I went on and on until the interrogation stopped. Until there was not one ounce of doubt left in their eyes.”
As I let what he said sink in, I knew I owed him a piece of my life. I also knew he needed to understand that Ellie was mine and that lying to me wasn’t okay. Lifting my fist, I reached out and punched him. There was no hesitation in my movements. My knuckles scraped across his cheek as bone collided with bone. His head snapped back with the force of my fist. Anger swirled deep inside me covering my entire body with a coat of rage. He might have saved Ellie’s life, but he lied to me. In fact, that's where all his recent secrets and small lies had started. He could’ve told me what he was doing. He could’ve asked for help.
“It wasn’t your job to save her. It wasn’t your job to do anything. You should’ve come to me first,” I barked, and his head lifted as he wiped at his nose to see if there was any blood. My mind was everywhere, taking in everything he had told me but still questioning him the same. Why shouldn't I believe that the same way he went to them and told them what they needed to hear that he wasn't doing the same thing to me right now?
I gave no shits as I pulled back my fist and landed another blow under his chin. He did nothing but stand there, taking my hits because he knew that he fucking deserved it. Don't get me wrong, I was a thankful man that he had saved Ellie, but it should’ve been me who saved her. Not my best friend, not a man that was nothing more than a friend to her if that. I didn’t like having to pay people back for the things they did. It was best to do shit yourself so they couldn’t hang it over your head later. The very thought only added fuel to the fire. I was on the verge of burning this entire fucking city down.
“It should’ve been me!” I roared as he hit the ground, his eyes darkening with his own rage as he peered up at me from the concrete.
“Well, it wasn’t and she’s alive because of me. I understand your rage and need to hit me, but it better not happen again. It isn’t very often that I let a man draw my blood without death being right around the corner.” He spat on the ground, a mixture of blood and saliva hitting the cement. I didn’t have time for this shit. I needed to find out where Ellie was. I needed to protect her. It was no longer Tuck’s job. Ellie was mine, and I would make it known from here on out.
“I don’t have time for this or you.” I cracked my knuckles and rolled my shoulders. I was ready to hurt Tuck if I had to, and I would to get to her. I had never had a problem killing for work, so imagine the things I would do for love. Still I couldn’t ruin things with him. He could consider the debt settled because not killing his ass would be his only saving grace.
With one last glance at Tuck, I headed down the alleyway, away from him. If I stayed standing there, I would destroy him and my only chance of getting her back.
“Jesus Christ, Grayson! I’m under-fucking-cover, okay?” Tuck’s loud footfalls sounded behind me, as did the sound of his heavy breathing. I stopped dead in my tracks, leaning my head back and gazing up at the sky.
What had I done to deserve this life? Lie upon lie. They were compounding.
“I’m working with the NYPD and the FBI, Gray. I’ve taken more hits for you than you will ever know, from telling them your kills were mine so they wouldn’t be warranted in trying to take down everyone but so you can have another life free of them all. I couldn’t just fucking tell you my plan. There is more to this than you know. Hell, I shouldn’t even be speaking of it now, but I'm trying to give you some semblance of who I really am.” Tuck surrendered the truth, the heavy weight he’d been harboring upon his shoulders for years—fleeing instantly. I averted my attention to anything but him as I turned to face him. I couldn’t look at him and know that everything was a lie.
“Would you have told me if you weren’t backed into a corner?” I asked. The answer to this question would let me know where we really stood.
“Eventually, yes.”
“Eventually,” I slowly repeated, drawing out each syllable of the word.
This was too much, too soon. Ellie was alive, and that was all I needed to know right now. Tuck’s secret would stay safe with me, but I couldn’t do this with him. At least not now.
“I’ll be in touch with you. I need to see Ellie, but first, I need to get myself together before I make a random my next kill,” I commanded, walking away from Tuck with one thing on my mind; this changed everything.
One a scale of one to hating my life right now, I was really high on the hating my life end. Day in and day out involved doing nothing in particular, and anything that involved being around Stephanie or with Tuck I refused to do. It was too strange, especially after everything that had happened between Stephanie and I. Still, I couldn’t say I hated Stephanie because I didn’t really know her for who she was. I could say that I didn’t agree with her living this secret fake life for years and the sacrifices that Grayson made for her. Her death changed everything in his eyes.
The shit got even deeper because I couldn’t talk to Tuck about any of the chaotic things running through my mind. I couldn’t even state how I felt about Stephanie without feeling like a knife was going to be placed in my back.
“What business did you have to tend to?” I questioned, my attitude less than stellar. Tuck turned around, looking around the room to see where Stephanie was I was sure.
“Bitchy much?” I hadn’t missed the slight bruising that marred his cheek when he walked in the door, or the aggression in his steps as he walked around like he had a stick up his ass or a secret to keep.
“Liar much. I mean we both know that already, though.” I smiled smugly at him, waiting for him to break down and tell me what the hell went down, and how he got the bruise on his face. Which worked for him in a way. He seemed more rugged with a bruise, like a precious stone that was all perfect and polished but had been dropped and shattered. The jagged edges showing just enough to give it a roughness that you almost wanted to reach out and touch.
“First, I have to deal with him, now I have to deal with you,” he muttered, crossing the kitchen, o
nly stopping when he was directly in front of me. I didn’t know what Stephanie was doing, but if he didn’t start talking she would end up hearing everything and I didn’t want her knowing anything more than she already did when it concerned me and Grayson.
“Of course, you do.” I tilted my head at him. “You brought me here. I have to deal with you too, so don’t act like you’re the only one that is coping with the bullshit called our lives.”
“Grayson and I had a scuffle, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? I saved your life, and in telling him he tried to kick my ass.” Tuck furrowed his brows as frustration sank into his features. I’m sure years of hiding and the weight of keeping all those secrets were taking its toll on his mental and emotional health. The guy was almost carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I felt for him, I knew what hiding your true self day in and day out could do to your mind.
“Not really. I wanted to hear that you’re taking me to him now.” I cleared my throat just as Stephanie walked in the room. Something about the way she carried herself rubbed me the wrong way. It probably had everything to do with the fact that I loved her brother which caused my guard to be up when it came to her. The same way he would protect me at all costs, I would do the same for him in return. Tuck narrowed his eyes at me, a lingering of unsaid words between us. Did he think I was stupid enough to bring Grayson up in front of her? I might not know the whole fucking story of what was going on between him and Stephanie, but I knew to watch her carefully, if only for the sake of Grayson.
“What’s going on out here?” Stephanie chimed in, coming up behind Tuck and wrapping her arms around his mid-section like she loved him or some shit. The saliva in my mouth turned to a paste. I got it now, she was with him, like dating him. Which made things way fucking worse.
