by J. L. Beck
Fury grew deep within me, raging like a burning fire. Oh how I hated what was going on. Diesel had told me many times that me sticking up for him just made things worse on him and for me. That there was nothing like a girl sticking up for a boy. It was against the rules. Luckily for him and I, I didn’t play by the rules. One would say I was a rule breaker.
“Knock it off Roger.” I murmured. Diesel’s steel blue eyes turned to mine shooting daggers at me. I could tell by that one single look that I had angered him.
“Awe, what was that you said Maggie? I couldn’t quite hear you, then again most of us never do.” He belittled me, laughing as his friends joined in the mockery.
“Just leave her alone.” Diesel exclaimed giving them the satisfaction that they wanted. They wanted him to talk, to stick up for me— for anything. Simply because it showed that he had a weakness for something… for someone.
“You guys hear this? He wants us to leave Maggie alone.” Roger mocked some more, and I did whatever I could not to turn towards Diesel and take in his expression.
You’re a weakness to him, they will use you to get to him. I repeated the same words over and over again in my mind.
I became momentarily distracted as I talked myself out of sticking up for him again. So much so, that I didn’t notice that Roger had slipped into my seat. I turned staring into his eyes, they were a deep brown that had most of the girls in the school falling at his feet. All except me. I knew the meanness that lingered just under the surface. He was a monster in disguise.
“Maggie…” He hissed, one of his fingers gripping a lock of my hair. A tingle of pain radiated through my scalp as a soft yelp left my lips.
“Leave me alone Roger.” I kept my voice stern and strong not wanting him to think that his hair pulling had gotten the best of me.
“Leave you alone…?” He mocked, a sick smile forming on his face. If Roger wasn’t such a dog, one would consider him cute. He had that beautiful sandy brown hair, he was tall and played all kinds of sports. His parents could afford it unlike mine or Diesel’s. He was perfect in the eyes of everyone around us, and that’s what set him apart. No one expected his behavior.
“Roger, this is taking it a little far.” Diesel tried to hide the panic in his voice but you could tell that what Roger was doing was getting to him. It was times like these that even if he said that we weren’t friends— that a dying person couldn’t make friends with someone in such a short amount of time... I knew that I meant something to him.
“Does it bother you when I touch her Diesel? Are you jealous?” Roger taunted, his hand slipping onto my leg. I was wearing a skirt which was a bad wardrobe choice for the day. I swatted his hand away, only for him to bring it back and grip my thigh hard.
“Let go of me.” I growled, growing angrier with every passing second. Roger had never taken it this far. He had never touched me in a physical nature before.
“Roger, let go of her.” There was a vengeance in Diesel’s eyes, and his voice was stronger than I had ever heard it. He moved to the edge of his seat and leaned over gripping Roger by the shoulder.
“Get your hand the hell off me crippled…” Roger rolled his shoulders, forcing Diesel’s hand to fall away. He lifted his hand forming a fist as if he was going to hit him. I knew I couldn’t allow that to happen, so I tried distracting him. I grabbed Rogers’s wrist prying his touch from my thigh as I watched him lower his raised fist.
“If you ever get done playing with the crippled boy… “ Roger gazed at Diesel out of the corner of his eye as if to send a warning, “You know where to find me.” He whispered the ending of his sentence into my ear causing my hair to stir. I could feel the heat from his breath against my skin and it made me skin itch. I wanted to sneer at him, tell him that I would never give into him. That I would never be like one of the many girls that I went to school with.
Instead I turned my attention to the window clenching my fists while counting to ten. Out of the corner of my eye I watched him watch me for a mere second, his eyes eating away at my body, then he slipped from my seat and into his regular seat a ways back.
I released the breath that I wasn’t even aware I was holding, and allowed fresh oxygen to filter into my lungs. Roger was a monster, the living breathing kind that your parents forgot to tell you about. The kind that had the power to make your life a living hell day in, and day out. And he did just that.
“I told you not to stick up for me.” Diesel’s voice was right next to me, and as I turned around to see where he was, I came face to face with him. His dark hair was long and slung back in a ponytail. He was looking at me with anger in his eyes, anger I had never seen in him before. A shudder ran through me, as I bit at my lip unsure of what I should say.
“Well, I told you that I wouldn’t let them pick on you anymore. They don’t know what they’re saying. They’re dumb.” They looked at Diesel as an outcast because he didn’t talk to others. But what they didn’t realize was him not talking to others had to do with the cancer that surged through his veins. They didn’t understand that in Diesel’s eyes there was no point in making memories that he may not be here for tomorrow.
“They know what they’re saying Maggie.” He scoffed, his attention going back towards the front of the bus as if to make it seem like he wasn’t paying an ounce of attention to me.
“You always try to see the good in people, you always try to protect the weak. What you don’t understand is, I don’t need protecting.” He turned back towards me his eyes boring into mine, willing me to understand what he was saying. The problem was I didn’t want to understand, I just wanted to help. I could feel emotions that I had never felt before finding their way to the surface.
“You can’t save everything. You can’t save me.” He hissed out. My gaze slid down to his clenched fists, and over his body which was built up tightly like a rubber band ready to snap, like a man built up with aggression. I understood his pain though. His anger was evident. I knew he didn’t want to be protected, and he didn’t want even one friend if there was a chance he would die, and there was. Every day since his diagnosis was an extra day given. Friends meant that when you died you would leave someone behind. You would have a reason to feel guilty about your death. He didn’t want that.
“I don’t want to save you Diesel.” I murmured staring deeply into his eyes. His attention shifted onto me, the look in his eyes reminding me of waves crashing against the sand on the beach.
“Yes, yes you do. You. The doctors. My parents. They all want to save me. Everyone wants me to live except myself.” There was so much agony in the words he was saying. It was as if he knew his fate, and that fighting it was inevitable.
“That isn’t true—“My words cut off, as his hand landed against my knee gripping it. He wasn’t hurting me, but he easily could. Even if he was sick, he still held strength behind his touch, and words.
“It is true. Believe me when I say it’s true. I know what you all think. I know that you assume sticking up for me makes it better, maybe you even think that if you’re nice to me that when I die God will grant you something special.” He was sneering now, his words forced out between his teeth.
“That’s not the p—“My words were cut off again as he squeezed my knee. Pain radiated up my leg and I bit my lip to stifle the cry that wanted to escape my mouth.
“I don’t want to hurt you Maggie. I don’t want to do anything to ruin you, but whatever you think is going on between us isn’t. Whatever help you think you can offer me, you can’t. In the end you’re only going to hurt yourself, and bring more attention to me. Attention that I have no need to seek.”
My mind was blank. Like a chalkboard that had been wiped clean. I had nothing to say, at least nothing that would be worth saying. He didn’t care. He didn’t want support, and even though it broke my heart to see others beat him with their words and hands there was nothing that I could do to save someone who didn’t want to be saved. He was right… I was putting my nose so
mewhere that it wasn’t needed. I had been for the past six months now. Since the day his parents came out and told everyone that he had been battling cancer the last four years. We all knew that there was something going on, he was missing school all the time, losing weight, and his demeanor had taken a major hit. He hated everyone, and everything.
“Do you understand me?” He asked softly. His voice caressed my body in a blanket of warmth. He didn’t realize the good that he could produce, the good that he had the chance to bestow upon others.
I nodded my head, willing the tears that were on the verge of slipping from my eyes away. Be strong. Give him what he wants.
“Good.” He said satisfied with the conversation. His hand slipped from my knee, as I had to force myself not to rub the pain out of it.
The rest of the bus ride consisted of me sitting in the far corner of my seat staring out the window pretending that his body heat wasn’t what I was feeling next to me. Forcing myself to not lash out and say something to him. Something that would only push him further away from me.
As we pulled up to the school and the bus stopped, my heart felt as if it was going to beat out of my chest. He hadn’t said another word to me, and even as he looked at me now I knew he wouldn’t. At least not after this conversation. The words he had said to me would be the last he would ever speak to me unless I provoked him.
“Remember what I said Maggie.” His voice was a whisper in the wind as he got out of the seat and pushed into the line to get off the bus. I couldn’t force myself to move, it was as if I had lost all control of my body.
Eventually I found my bearings and slipped into the back of the line my mind drifting to Diesel’s words. I can’t be saved…
Maybe he didn’t think he could be saved. Maybe he didn’t think he was worth it, but I did. I saw it when I looked into his eyes. I felt it whenever he would touch me and somewhere in the depths of his soul, even though he was telling me he couldn’t be saved… in his soul he was screaming for someone to save him.
Diesel was worth saving, he just didn’t know it yet.
Chapter Two
Maggie— Present
“Maggie.” I could hear my name being called from across the room, but I still failed to acknowledge the voice that was saying it. Either that or I didn’t care to acknowledge it. I would go with the latter of the two.
“Maggie open your fucking ears. I need that paperwork on my desk ASAP!” The voice yelled out again, their footsteps growing closer until they stopped in front of my desk. Oh I knew that voice. It was the one that belonged to my boss’s son. The same son that had caused me great pain in my younger years. He hadn’t changed not one bit, unless you considered growing into a bigger dickwad than he previously was. He was still a fucking bully, a piece of shit asshole that felt like he controlled everything— including me.
“Okay.” I finally said, hoping my one word response would get him to leave my desk. To say I hated my job was a fucking understatement. A huge one at that. I more than hated it. If it weren’t a means to income, or a way to answers that I desperately wanted I would’ve cut ties with the place years ago. I couldn’t though. I needed the money, and I wanted answers almost more than I wanted my next breath.
I never wanted to work for PGI Corp, but they were one of the biggest growing companies in our town, and they were offering jobs to anyone willing to work. Plus, I had an inspiration for coming into this shit hole every day. I had a memory, a piece of my heart that forced me to work here.
Someone long ago told me they didn’t need saving, and since that day I told myself I would do whatever I could to come up with a cure. That would be the one person to push my efforts, so that no one would have to go through death, and loss ever again.
“Okay? That’s all you’re going to fucking say?” Roger was the only one that could actually get away with swearing in the office. He said “fuck” like it was going out of style. His vocabulary included more swear words than it did regular words.
“Yes okay. As in I will have the papers to you as soon as I can get online.” My voice was monotone as it always was. I would never give him the satisfaction of knowing every word that came from his mouth made me want to barf into the nearest trash can.
“Good, because I have something else for you to do when you bring the papers in.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me as he leaned over my desk and into my personal space. Remember why you’re doing this Maggie. Remember. I had to tell myself this every day, at least three times daily. It was the only thing that stopped me from running for the hills, from running out of this place and never turning the fuck around.
“Great.” I whispered to myself, turning on my computer as he walked away. I watched the screen light up as my thoughts drifted to my family and everything they had done for me. My parents had paid for my college tuition, I was more than grateful since they didn’t have much. My father held a good job, but the way the world was now a days made going to college almost impossible. Only the richest, or smartest people were accepted into schools. The fact that I was wasting a degree in Pharmaceutical Studies by working for someone like Roger, didn’t sit well with them. They wanted to see me do something with my life, working a desk job wasn’t bettering the community or my own life.
As my computer booted up, I watched Kandace a couple desks down from me flirting with one of the new hires. I smiled deeply, at her ballsy attitude. She had balls, hell I think she had bigger balls than most of the men that worked in this place.
Her eyes met mine as I watched her work her moves. She was a natural flirt, a social butterfly most would say. She batted her eyelashes and flashed him a smile before stepping away from his desk and sashaying her way over to me.
“You’re still taking orders from that ass hat in a suit…” Kandace giggled softly, setting her ass against my desk.
“If you mean the ass hat that’s my boss, then yes of course I’m listening to him.” I typed my password into the computer, and waited for my email to load.
“A couple of people from the office and I are headed into the city tonight. We’re going to hit up one of those new clubs on the strip.” She added innocently. I knew where she was going with this. She had been bitching more than usual about my lack of being a wing woman. The thing was, I just wasn’t feeling it. Dating wasn’t my thing, and sitting at a bar drinking away my sorrows wasn’t either.
I would much rather be at home in my sweats reading a book and drinking a glass of wine… “I know what you’re getting at Kandace and the answer is the same as it was last week.” She frowned, a pout showing on her face.
“You always say that. You always say you would rather have your nose stuck in a book, but since you never go out how would you know what is fun and isn’t?” She was questioning me, attempting to find a flaw in my excuse. Anything to get me to leave the confines of my home.
“Very funny Kandace, but I know your methods of persuasion and being that I don’t swing that way it’s not going to work...” Her pout turned into a cheesy smile.
“Well I tried. Doesn’t matter anyway, you’re coming out tonight even if I have to come to your house and get you myself.” She glared at me, and it was in that glare that I knew she was serious.
Fuck. She wasn’t kidding she would come and get me. I pondered on the actual thought of going out for a moment as I skimmed the emails in my inbox.
“We’ll see Kandace, there isn’t any guarantee though.”
“There is always a guarantee with Kandace. I’ll see you at eight whore.” Then she was up, and walking back to her own desk, and I was staring at an email that had just popped into my inbox from Roger.
I printed off the documents he wanted ”ASAP”, and headed to the printer to pick them up before swinging by his office. On my walk to the printer my mind drifted to Roger, and this company that I was working for. It was obvious that Roger would turn into his father one day. Roger’s father was a filthy rich man, hell bent on owning everyone and everything in this
town. I knew the kind of person Roger was, and honestly, I couldn’t see such a mean and evil person running a company that went out of the way to find cures for cancer. It was a complete and utter contradiction. His family, running, and owning a company that cared for others loved ones was just against everything that I knew Roger for being.
I pushed all the horrible thoughts to the back of my mind as I focused in on Roger’s door. I stared at it blankly for a moment before knocking on it softly and waiting for him to say come in.
You never walked into Roger’s office unannounced. I remember the last assistant he had ended up getting fired, and escorted out on the spot. He was very secretive about his work. Whatever went on in his office was his business, and his business alone.
“Come in.” His voice was deep, and as I pushed the door open and walked into the room I could see the entire city before me. He had the best view in the building. One that looked out into the robust city. I focused on the view, knowing very well that his eyes were glued to my every movement. I could feel his gaze penetrating every orifice of my body.
“I see you’re doing much better at following orders today.” He smiled, but it wasn’t genuine. It was as fake as Tammy’s tits in Office C. Who was Tammy you ask? Oh his most recent fuck. The newest intern in the building, and the most open about her friends with benefits relationship with Roger.
“Here’s your paper work that you asked for.” I dismissed his comment, not wanting to engage in a ridiculous conversation about something I could care less about. Instead I turned on my heels to leave, only to be stopped when I heard his throat clear behind me. I wanted to turn around and lash out, to make him understand that what he said to me meant nothing.
