“Seth,” I called frantically, knocking on his door. No answer. Grabbing hold of the handle, I turned it and pushed it open. His room was empty, his bed still made and undisturbed. Where was he? Hadn’t he come home last night?
“Marta!” I called out, making my way further down the hall. Her bedroom door creaked open and she peered out. One look at my face and she knew something was wrong.
“What is it?” she asked, following me back down to his room.
“I can’t rouse him,” I said, panicked. My heart thumped in my chest. Please don’t let him die. Not yet. I stood back as Marta tried to wake him. My hand covered my mouth as I willed myself not to cry.
“He’s breathing,” Marta sighed with relief. “I’ll call the doctor. Can you sit with him?”
I nodded. I walked around and sat on the side of the bed, taking his hand in mine and covering it with my other hand. He was still so damn cold.
I could hear Marta talking in the hallway. I strained to listen, taking in words like end and morphine. My stomach turned as anxiety began to cripple me. I couldn’t stop this. No matter how badly I wanted to freeze time, it kept on moving.
***
Rise and fall. Rise and fall.
My eyes didn’t leave his chest as I watched him breathe short, shallow breaths. The doctor had been by and put a drip in to keep him hydrated, and prescribed injections for the pain. He needed such a high dosage that it all but wiped him out. I just sat there watching him sleep, knowing that it wasn’t going to be long now.
The last words he had spoken to me had been him trying to convince me to move on—with his best friend, no less. I pulled out my notebook and began to read; anything to distract me from the reality that was happening before me.
New Year’s Eve, 2009
“You’re telling me that after six hours of fishing, that’s all you have?” I stared at the tiny bass, which was bordering on undersized, and laughed.
“In my defense, I did catch a bigger one—only a bird stole it,” Seth shot back.
“A bird stole it?” I repeated with a snigger. “That’s the best you can come up with?”
“Hey.” Andy laughed. I screamed as he stepped forward and hugged me, holding me hostage in his big fishy arms. “You wanna keep making fun of our hunting abilities?” he teased, tickling me as I giggled.
“Let me go,” I gasped, tears streaming down my face. “Now I stink as much as you two do.”
“Come on, Emsky,” Andy growled, kissing my neck. I laughed, struggling to break free from his embrace. “You know you love the way I smell.”
I finally broke free and ran into the kitchen, both guys hot on my heels. “So, what’s for dinner then? Because that—” I pointed to the lonely little fish, “—just isn’t going to do it.”
Seth laughed and slapped the fish down on the counter. “Pizza?” He smirked.
I rolled my eyes. “Well, we’d better order, because it will take them ages to deliver. If they even will out here.”
It had been Seth’s idea to spend New Year’s Eve out by the lake. He knew how much I hated holidays. Holidays reminded me of what I’d lost, and how much I still had to lose . . .
My grip on my pen loosened, sending it falling to the floor. Seth featured in my happy memories just as much as Andy did. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? I flipped through the pages, memory after memory staring back at me. Seth’s role in nearly all of them was pivotal to my happiness. The notebook fell into my lap as I ran my fingers through my hair.
All Seth had ever wanted was my happiness.
He’d watched Andy and me through nine years of love and romance because he could see how happy I was—even if it meant compromising his own emotions. How lucky was I to have two people who would do anything in the world for me?
My stomach churned as I remembered my behavior on the beach earlier in the day. I’d made him feel like shit for not telling me that he was in love with me. What the fuck was that? I knew better than anyone that you couldn’t turn off your feelings.
It would’ve been easier for him to tell me a year ago, or ten years ago. To hide the way he felt in order to preserve our friendship spoke volumes about the kind of man he was.
I had messed things up, and I didn’t know how to right them. I didn’t know if Seth and I could go back to how we were. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to—because deep down, on some level I wasn’t quite ready to admit, I think there was some truth to what Andy had been saying. I think there was a part of me that was in love with Seth. And if there wasn’t—I was pretty sure there could be.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Seth
It was after ten in the morning by the time I’d worked up the guts to return to the beach house. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Em or Andy, but it wasn’t like I had the time to put it off. One day could mean the difference between being able to make peace or never saying goodbye.
Goodbye.
I dreaded the moment where I’d have to say that. It was so final, but I suppose so was death. I walked in through the back. Marta looked up from the magazine she had in front of her at the table.
“Seth, thank God.”
“What’s going on?” I asked. Something was wrong. I could feel it. “Is he okay?”
“The doctor’s been here. It’s not good. He’s resting now. He’s on a high dose of morphine for the pain, which means he sleeps a lot.”
My heart raced as I ran down to his bedroom. Stopping in the doorway, I stared at him lying in the bed, asleep. Em looked up from the armchair. She’d been crying. Her eyes met mine, a fresh wave of tears spilling down her cheeks.
I walked over to her and knelt down. She fell into my arms, sobbing against my chest. I stroked her hair gently with my fingers, my eyes not leaving Andy. He was so pale, his breathing worse than I’d seen it. A breathing tube was in place in his nose, forcing oxygen into his lungs.
“Shh, Em, it’s okay,” I mumbled.
“I’m not ready to let him go,” she whispered, her nails digging into my back. I just held her, knowing there was nothing I could say right then that could make it any easier.
“I’ll be back in a second.”
Out in the kitchen, I leaned against the counter and sighed. I needed a moment to get myself together so I could be strong for her. I’d spent so much time focused on Em and Andy that I hadn’t allowed myself to process what was happening.
Andy was dying. This was it, his last days, and maybe hours. Should I let Deb know that he’d gotten worse? No—the last thing I wanted was for them to be driving upset. I just hoped they would hurry up.
I carried a cup of tea and a chair back into the room.
“Thanks.” Em smiled, accepting the cup I held out for her.
I sat the chair next to her and slumped down, snaking my arm around her shoulders.
“Listen.” She hesitated, studying the contents of her cup. “I’m sorry for yelling at you yesterday.”
I shook my head. “No, look, it’s fine. I get it. It must’ve been a shock.” I laughed and shook my head. “I still have no idea why he told you.”
“Because she needed to know.”
Both Em and I looked over at Andy in surprise. He hadn’t moved. His eyes were still closed. I was beginning to think that maybe I’d imagined it, until he spoke again.
“What time is it?”
I laughed and wiped my eyes. Reaching over, I took his hand. “You scared me, man. I thought you’d left me without saying goodbye.”
“Yeah? Kind of like the way you stormed out of here yesterday, huh?”
I laughed. “You’re a dick. But I love you, Andy.”
He managed a smile. “You two need to promise me that you’ll look after each other, okay? That’s the only thing I want from you: your promises to be there for each other.”
“Of course. Don’t even worry about that, Andy,” I muttered. Em nodded in agreement. “Your mom is on her way,” I added.
To my surprise, he
laughed. “I knew you’d do that, man. You wouldn’t let me go without her saying goodbye. That’s why I love you,” he said. His voice trailed off as he fell back into a deep sleep. Em sobbed next to me.
“Shh, come here.” We stood up. I pulled her toward me, wrapping my arms around her. She couldn’t stand the thought of losing him, and the time was getting closer and closer. “I’ll be here every step of the way, Em.” I reached down and kissed the edge of her jaw, tasting her salty tears.
I looked up and saw Marta standing at the door. She shifted awkwardly, as if she were embarrassed about interrupting a moment. I smiled, letting her know it was okay.
“There are people here. For the wake.”
Shit. I’d forgotten about that. Em turned to me, her eyes wide.
“It’s okay. I’ll explain to them what’s happening.” I squeezed her hand as she sat back down. I followed Marta down to the living room.
“Marty.” I grinned. Fuck, it had been years since I’d seen him.
He laughed and walked over to greet me. He patted my back as we hugged. “How are ya, Sethie?” He shook his head. “Geez, man, you don’t look any different.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I wish I could say the same thing about you,” I joked. I turned my attention to the blonde standing behind him, cradling a baby. “Are you going to introduce me?”
“Yeah, this is Mandy.” He grinned, holding his arm out and motioning for her to come over. She smiled and stepped over to us. “My wife. And this is Bailey, our little boy.”
I peered over at the little bundle wrapped in a soft blue-and-white blanket. He made a face and smiled at me, making me laugh.
“He’s gorgeous. How old is he?”
“Nearly four weeks. Yeah, we’re pretty happy with him,” he said, winking at Mandy. She rolled her eyes and nodded. “How’s Andy?” he asked, his voice turning serious.
“Not good,” I said, wincing. “Unresponsive most of the time now, and in a lot of pain.”
“Fuck,” he muttered, shaking his head. “This sucks. Poor guy. How’s Emily?”
“Barely coping,” I replied grimly. “About how you’d expect her to be. His family is on their way.” I hesitated. “Look dude, I know you’ve come a long way . . .”
Marty shook his head. “No, we completely understand. Is there anything we can do? Do you want me to contact the rest of the guys and tell them not to come?”
“I don’t even know who’s invited.”
“He emailed a bunch of us. I’m pretty sure I have most of their numbers. Leave it all to me. You just be there for him. And Emily.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Emily
I didn’t leave his side all night. Caught up in my own guilt and sadness, I held his hand in mine, my fingers softly stroking his dry, worn skin. The doctor had just been by to write up some morphine, and Seth was calling his parents.
Andy didn’t have much time left.
I watched him as he slipped in and out of consciousness. Every few minutes, he opened up his eyes and stared at me in shock. It was like he didn’t even recognize me. Wiping away a stray tear, I took a deep breath. I refused to let myself think of anyone other than Andy. Why hadn’t I told him that yes, I was still in love with him? Would it have killed me to lie? He was fucking dying, for Christ’s sake.
I wasn’t ready to let him go. I needed him, no matter how selfish of me that was. I needed him. He was going to die never knowing how much I’d loved him. My feelings for Seth weren’t real. We were both grieving for our best friend’s impending death. Seth was comforting. He understood. It was easy to confuse that connection for something deeper.
“I’m so angry at you right now,” I whispered. “Why did you have to push me away?” His last few weeks on this earth and he’d spent them shoving me into the arms of another man. How was I supposed to accept that? So what if Andy was okay with it? Nobody else was going to be. His parents were the closest thing I had to a family. How would they ever understand my being with Seth?
***
Seth came up behind me. I froze as his fingers grazed my shoulders, his touch incredible against my skin. I needed my mind to stop turning, because all it was doing was confusing me even more.
“His parents are here,” he murmured.
I nodded, knowing what I had to do. They deserved to spend some time alone with their son, no matter how hard it would be for me to tear myself away from him.
“Come on, let’s get you some fresh air.”
I didn’t answer as Seth stood me up and walked me out of the room. I passed Andy’s mom and dad, unable to meet their eyes. If only they knew what a horrible person I was. What I’d done. What I’d so badly wanted to do.
“Em, I’m worried about you.”
We stood on the deck. Seth wrapped his arms around me, his warmth radiating through me. I couldn’t move or react; I just stood there, allowing myself to be hugged.
“Talk to me.” He tilted my chin up, his eyes meeting mine. I blinked back tears. Where did I even start? How could I put into words what I was feeling?
“I hate you for loving me,” I whispered.
Hurt filled his expression as he processed my words. He looked shocked and confused. I took a breath and continued, knowing that if I didn’t get this out now I never would.
“If you weren’t in love with me, then he wouldn’t have pushed me away. I hate you for taking that from me. For taking him from me.”
“Em, you don’t mean that. You’re upset, and I get it. But Andy wants you to be happy. You don’t need to decide anything now, or in a month, or even in a year. This is all about you and when you’re ready.” He reached forward, his hand cradling my neck as he forced me to look at him.
“I don’t want to be happy without him. I don’t want to move on.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Seth
It’s called the death rattle.
In the final hours before someone dies of a long-term illness, as their body begins to shut down and their lungs begin to fill with fluid, every breath is a struggle, accompanied by a strangling, gurgling sound. Apparently he wasn’t in any pain—according to Marta, and confirmed by Google—but it was horrible to witness.
By now, he was unconscious, unresponsive to everyone. He was slowly slipping away. Deb and Karl sat on one side of the bed, Em and I on the other. We hadn’t left his side all day. Even in just the last few hours he’d gotten so much worse.
I reached out at took hold of Em’s hand. She glanced at me, her green eyes swollen and red from the endless flow of tears. I hadn’t cried. I couldn’t, because I was sure once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop.
“I’m going to make a coffee,” I said, getting up. “Can I get you one?” She nodded. “How about you guys?” I asked, looking at Deb and Karl.
“Thanks Seth. A coffee would be nice,” Deb sniffed. I touched her on the shoulder as I walked past. She was a wreck—but then again, we all were.
While I waited for the coffee pot to boil, I decided to call Mom. I hadn’t spoken to her in a while, though I knew Deb had told her I’d called.
“Seth?” she said, answering on the second ring. Worry filled her voice, and I felt bad. I was the worst son, blocking her out of this. She loved Andy as much as the rest of us did.
“Mom, hey.”
“Is he . . . ” Her voice broke.
“Not yet. Soon,” I said, feeling sick. I leaned over the counter and stared at the black marble top. “He’s pretty close to the end now. Deb and Karl are here.”
“Good,” she said, relieved. “I’m glad they got there in time. How’s Em?”
“Not great,” I sighed. “She’s coping, but barely. I’m worried about her, Mom.”
“I know you are, honey. You just need to be there for her. There’s not much else you can do.” She was right, but it didn’t make me feel any better.
“I better go,” I said with a sigh. “I’ll call you later. Love you,” I said, rubbing the bridge
of my nose.
“Love you, too.”
***
I carried the coffees, two in each hand, back to the bedroom.
“Thanks,” mumbled Karl, taking both his and Deb’s. Em didn’t respond as I placed hers next to her. “The priest is on his way now.”
I nodded. Andy wasn’t religious, but I knew this was more for them than him.
I sat down, cradling my drink in my hands. My mind was filled with regrets. Why hadn’t I spent more time with him over the past few months? Fuck work—I should’ve quit and hung out with him. I felt like I’d missed out on so much. It wasn’t fair. He was only twenty-six.
Fucking cancer. I laughed, thinking about the tattoo on his back. Would his parents ever see it? Both Deb and Em looked me with puzzled expressions.
“I just remembered . . . his back,” I finished, my voice low. Realization dawned on Em’s face and she snorted. “I’m sorry,” I said to Deb, still chuckling.
Then I had an idea. I jumped up and walked over the wardrobe where his video recorder sat. I picked it up and handed it to Deb.
“He was never without this damn thing the last few weeks.”
She smiled and opened the viewing screen. Fresh tears filled her eyes as she pressed play. I sat back down, placing my arm around Em as she snuggled against me. Andy’s voice filled the room and my heart jumped.
We listened in silence as Deb lived through Andy’s final days. Her hand flew to her mouth as muffled sobs escaped from her. I closed my eyes, listening, replaying the events in my head as I heard them.
“He made you do all this?” Deb gasped. That was after the bull riding.
I laughed and nodded.
“That’s Andy,” she smiled. “What the hell?” she cried.
I swallowed a laugh as Andy’s voice explained “Cancer fucked me over, so I’m fucking it over right back.” I glanced over at Em, who was staring at the small tattoo on her wrist, a shadow of a smile on her face.
At 1:33a.m, Andy took his last breath.
I thought I was ready, but nothing really prepares you for that moment. He was there, and then he wasn’t. I saw his chest rise and fall for the last time, and then he was gone. I felt…empty. It was like a part of me had died right along with him.
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