Many people are now dabbing their eyes and even Tom is standing mute and stock-still, in shock.
“My mother kept that album her whole life. They’re not the best photos in her collection, not by a long shot. They’re actually some of the most scrappy and discoloured and tiny little things, small insights into a love affair that was shockingly real but always doomed to fail. My mother would hate that I’m doing this… that I’m being so blind honest about all this, but do you know what? Now that I know her, I see her. I look at her work now and understand what she was trying to say.”
The celebrant wheels in a projector and a screen comes down at the front of the room.
“I’ve chosen some of her best work for you to enjoy today and it’s a tribute, really. It’s the work of her life… the real story… the map of her soul. It’s how she saw everything. She kept her heart guarded for as long as I knew her and I know that’s because she had a fragile, beautiful heart she was scared would get hurt all over again. She felt things in the most intense way that only an artist can – without filter, without vanity or ego or self-interest. She felt everything around her and her work shows you that, if you only look closer.
“I wish more people had been able to see more of her work while she was still alive because beyond the fashion photographer was an artist who captured real people in her spare time in ways few other photographers out there ever could. And now before I go and anger her too much, let me just show you this… and let this speak for her for as long as we have eyes to see and hearts to feel. This isn’t goodbye, Mum. This is, ‘Okay, I know. I know. I finally get it. I’ll see you on the other side. I’ll live those snapshots you couldn’t. I’ll do it for you.’”
By the end, tears are pouring down my face and I doubt there is even one dry eye in the house.
He sits back down next to Lily and gives her a kiss. He puts his arm around her and the projector switches on. Everyone watches in amazement as the work of a true soul fades in and out across the screen. Pictures of children and adults, pictures of happiness, sadness… beauty and ugliness. Pictures of grainy sunsets and orchards full of pears.
She took trips to take photos. She didn’t want anyone to know she was an artist. She didn’t want that to be taken away from her. She didn’t want Theo to ever find out that the artist’s work comes from a place of pure pain… an empathy only attained through loss, grief, love…
She only wanted him to see that she’d overcome, not that she was still tortured by her love for a man who simply couldn’t love her back, not quite in the same unequivocal way she loved him. Allegra took the best part of Gustav with her – a son – and for almost twenty-seven years, she protected Theo from what he really is… what we’ve all always known he is.
He’s an artist, operating from a place of pain, and he’s only just coming to terms with that – and it was never what she wanted for him – but he turned out like her anyway.
Chapter Thirteen
The wake is held at her house. The lawn has been tidied and guests are encouraged to enjoy the garden with a glass of fizz in their hand and a vol-au-vent or two. Equally many people are enjoying the indoors. Theo has pushed most of the furniture back against walls and has some photos on display in each room bar her private room, which today is locked. Pictures of his mother sit on easels dotted around. These ones are Allegra through various stages of life. She would hate all this, no doubt. Not just that people are in her house, but also that her son still wants to celebrate her, even after all she’s done. That’s Theo, though – always the good guy.
Everything is sombre and Lily has gone upstairs to have a lie down. I don’t know if that’s her pregnancy or if it’s all been too much for her.
Most people have one drink and then go, either too ashamed they didn’t pay more attention when she was actually alive, or they’re just here to do the decent thing and then fuck off while they can.
Susan’s phone rings and she lifts it out of her purse, motioning she’s going to take it outside – the front of the house being her preference with so many people out the back.
I watch Theo acting his arse off, listening to people’s stories… hating every second. He’s doing the right thing so that he can live with himself – even though the pain is still immense and he just found out he has a living, breathing father – who’s not here but may as well be, given the eulogy earlier and Theo’s acceptance of the whole thing.
I walk into the kitchen to find someone to talk to and discover Saskia, texting on her phone. She’s wearing black but the black is short, tight and provocative. Get her on a bad day and you can only see one inch of her knickers.
“Hey, Sass, how’s you? What you doing these days?”
She finishes texting whoever is on the other end and then deigns to look up at me. The woman is a bloody walking fetish. Most men probably come in their pants when she breathes, let alone talks.
“I’m still in branding, how about you?” She talks as she stands, airlessly and with barely any affectation.
“Freelance now. Various things, but most journals. Seems to be working out for me.”
“Good for you.”
I pick up a champagne bottle and offer to top her up but she declines. “I’m not into bubbles really.”
“So, Tom came and found you, huh?”
“He promised to take us all out tonight if we came.”
I’m sure Theo would be delighted to know his friends had to be blackmailed to be here. Typical. Then again, I’ve always thought if there was one of the girls alongside Lily who actually has a heart, it’s probably Sass. She just does a good job of hiding it, that’s all.
“Where’s the wife?” she asks bluntly.
“Taking a call.” I notice no ring on her finger and she sees me staring at it and bristles.
“I notice she’s still psychotic,” Sass murmurs, and while I would once have wrapped my hands around the neck of anyone criticising my other half, now I simply smirk because I know they’re all labouring under some misguided loyalty to Chloe.
“Still believing everything Chloe tells you?” I fire back, proud of myself.
Saskia produces a sardonic smile at my remark, then her face becomes completely blank.
She takes one step towards me and blinks twice. “What I see, and what is true, are the same thing; and my thoughts on this matter are mine and mine alone. It’s irrelevant what Chlo said or didn’t say, everyone can see for themselves what Susan is really like. Fair enough, you and Chloe were messing about, you were kids. It was what it was. But your wife,” – she almost snarls speaking the word – “she knew straight away there’d been heat between you and Chlo, sussed it out, locked onto it and made sure Chloe knew that if she ever came between you and her, Chloe would pay in ways she couldn’t imagine.” I gulp, seeing no lie in Saskia’s eye. “Your wife is a huntress, Adam and you were primed for the kill. The ultimate hot geek with a lot of horn and a little ambition. She took advantage and now here you are.”
Saskia bares her teeth when she takes a crisp from a serving bowl and bites into it fiercely, like she won’t be cowed by anyone, but especially not me. She saunters off, swaying, zeroing in on Tom outside on the lawn. I spot her whispering in his ear that she’s ready to go. He puts his fingers up asking for five more minutes and she huffs and takes a bench on the lawn.
Tom and Theo are talking quietly and go back to their conversation at the bottom of the garden. Lord knows what they’re discussing but I bet it has something to do with women.
“What did I miss?” Susan asks, returning.
I turn and kiss her cheek lightly. “Shall we go? We came, we saw, we shared.”
“I think so,” she agrees, “that was work. I need to fire off some emails back at home.”
“Cool, I’ll go say bye to Theo.”
“I’ll see if Lily is okay, then I’ll meet you in the car.”
I hand her my keys, knowing I will likely be the one who takes longest.
I walk past the hateful eyes gleaming out of Saskia’s sockets and get an arm wrapped around my neck when Tom notices me just behind Theo.
“Have you heard this about Paul?” asks Tom. “Getting her up the duff and then bloody running off.”
I put my hand on Tom’s shoulder and squeeze. I give Theo my best look of disapproval and warn Tom, “If I hear any gossip about this, I’ll know it came from you. It’s not nice for Lily, mate. She went through hell. Yeah, Paul’s a fucking shit but his dad was on death’s door and he always fucks up on purpose with anything he actually cares about. This isn’t like a teenage doodah or something. You can’t go round talking about something so personal to her and Paul.”
Theo looks drunk and sad and angry. Any chance for him to bitch about Paul, I think – even if it means blathering on about the whole thing to Tattletale Tom.
“As if I would,” Tom slurs, and I shake my head at him. Drunk… at a funeral?
Poor form, I decide… poor, poor form.
“Listen, me and Suze are off. We’ve got stuff to do and… don’t want to outstay our welcome.”
Theo looks disappointed but accepting.
Tom shakes his head and immediately hugs me. “Come on, come out with us tonight.”
I laugh in his face, then whisper in his ear, “No, ta.”
I give him a look so that he knows I know about him bribing people to be here. Tom isn’t one of those people you can ever be sure of to be here when you really need him, but you can be sure he will always turn up for a spectacle.
“Well, Theo’s coming out with us, aren’t you?”
“Nah, nah, no way,” he protests, “my fiancée isn’t going anywhere tonight and neither am I.”
“What happened to our foursome, huh?”
“Women happened,” I tell Tom, then I reach over for Theo and hug him hard.
“Love you, buddy. Call me soon? Okay?”
“Yeah, sure. Catch you soon,” Theo agrees, his voice ragged and full of emotion.
I shake Tom’s hand and look him in the eye. “Stick around, you know? Might not hurt to properly catch up.”
He shrugs and gives me that lopsided smile. “What would be the fun in that?”
Well, his best mate needs him right now, I feel like pointing out – but if he can’t see that himself, what’s the point?
In the car, Susan takes the wheel as she’s had less to drink than me and it feels like she needs something to keep her hands busy.
After we circle out of Leeds and get to the faster, more uniform routes, she mutters, “Those fucking bitches, did you see the way they were looking at me?”
I grimace and hold my breath. I’d been hoping she wouldn’t bring any of this up today.
“Who?” I ask, trying my best to sound naïve. After all, Susan has lied to me so many times, she must have me pegged for a mug.
“Oh, you know!” she exclaims. “Marie and that Saskia. Oh my god. The pair of them.”
I know better than anyone how they come off to people when you first meet them, but the truth is, Marie and Saskia are hard workers and just tell it how it is. They’ve not worked their way up by staring into books all day; they put themselves out there and rule their own private worlds, much like my wife. It’s a clash of personalities for sure.
“And Lily,” she adds, “I was surprised at her, talking to them like no time had passed. I mean, who was there for Lily throughout all that with Paul? Because it sure as shit wasn’t them. They weren’t around for her, I was. How could she just dump me like that today?”
“Well, I don’t think—”
“And another thing, that Tom guy… he tried to touch my bum. I mean, who are these friends of yours? I do wonder sometimes.”
“Well, I have other friends—” Mostly online, but hey.
“They made me feel really uncomfortable today. I was only glad Marie didn’t come to the wake for long or I might have slapped the bitch. The way she looked at me – fuck! What a cow. What have I ever done to them? Seriously?”
I wonder… what has Susan ever done to them?
Is it any of their business that I’m now married, not going out on the lash all the time and have other priorities? Is it any of their concern that Susan may have given Chloe a warning years ago? The two of them aren’t in each other’s lives anymore and what does it matter? Can’t everyone let bygones be bygones?
But then she gets back onto Lily.
“I’m just so surprised, I thought she would back me up or say something or do something. I was really there for her. I’ve tried to be her friend through this whole grief thing Theo’s going through, too… but apparently those bitches turn up and it’s like old times and I’m in the outcast zone again.”
“Lily isn’t like that and you know it. She’s just trying to keep the peace for Theo’s sake. Besides, they only came today because Tom turned up in his limo and bribed them with free drinks and stuff. You know what people are like, Susie. Everyone’s a rubberneck when it comes to death and stuff. Also, if they have to turn up at a funeral to be able to manage their dwindling social lives, what does that say about them? Seriously! Theo hasn’t ever been friendly with Marie and Saskia. He’s always been civil because he loves Lily, but as far as he’s concerned, his fiancée is a cut above them and he will happily see them slip away, mark my words.”
“Fucking hope so,” she grumbles.
She stews on it all the way home, I can tell.
Meanwhile, I stew on Saskia’s words.
“She took advantage and now here you are.”
Much later, after emails and dinner and more emails, I hang up my suit in the wardrobe and suddenly remember Tom giving us that envelope which he said was our belated wedding present. Almost two years too late, pal! I feel a touch more forgiving however when I discover a travel voucher in the amount of £1,000. Wow.
He is generous. I mean, say what you like, but generous… he is.
I run upstairs and tuck it into my desk drawer. Perhaps I’ll save that for a rainy day or a surprise trip away one weekend.
I’m hunting for some wine in the kitchen when Susan appears, red-eyed and wearing her robe, post-bath.
“My father just called,” she says. “The business isn’t doing well. He can’t give us any money.”
“What?” I laugh, because that doesn’t sound right. “He must be having you on.”
“No, that’s what he said… he can’t give us any money. And I told him what it’s for. He knows we’ve been having trouble. He knows about my condition. But he said something about debts and some kind of legal thing he’s been battling… and that’s it. No money until it’s all sorted out. He can’t have any complications right now.”
I fold her into my arms and listen while she cries. This was her last hope… and now it’s dashed.
“What about the ornaments,” I ask.
“Oh, those things? They’re worth a few pounds each but not enough. Allegra must have been mistaken.”
“You sure?”
“I found similar items on eBay for a hundred quid or less, trust me.”
“Well, shit.”
“I know. I feel bad. Lily wanted them because they look pretty, not because they’re worth anything.”
She huddles against me and eventually, I ask, “So, what next?”
“I think we need a break from IVF,” she says. “See how we feel in a year?”
Relief washes over me. “I think that’s for the best. In a year, we could be in the right place for it to be successful. You just don’t know.”
“I think so. I hope so.”
I don’t tell her how much better I feel instantly, without this terrible thing looming over us… this ‘will we, won’t we’ thing. Now I feel free to be Adam again.
Chapter Fourteen
Chloe arrived back in the UK a month ago and people are actually talking to one another again – all because of her. Tom is also back in the country for a while and there was even a WhatsApp group set up
recently titled ‘Shotgun Wedding’ in honour of Theo and Lily’s big day. I haven’t mentioned this group to my wife and in fact, I haven’t mentioned Chloe’s return either.
I haven’t seen Chloe in person but we’ve messaged – briefly – and Lily mentioned once or twice that the two of them have had coffee.
June is here and so is the wedding. The WhatsApp group has been full of people asking what is everyone wearing, who’s best man… who’s bridesmaid? What gifts are we getting them? Is anyone sneaking liquor in? Are we off clubbing after? The usual crap… but it kind of makes me smile that some things never change.
I loved our hot, summer wedding but June really is a lovely time of year to marry. We’re all gathered at the same church where, when we were young, we used to come at Christmastime with school and perform on the little raised stage. We had the nativity plays here… we sang carols here. Chased around hunting Easter eggs here.
I don’t know what happened but their ‘small ceremony’ got thrown out of the window. I don’t know whose decision that was but I suspect it was Theo’s because since his mother died, all he’s been talking about is making the most of everything and not hiding anymore. He wants to show the world he loves Lily Ann Brooks and he’s not afraid to prove it.
I’m standing at the front with Theo. I’m still his best man. We hear the traditional wedding march and Theo looks to me for support, then I gesture over his shoulder at the reason why he’s doing this.
Lily floats down the aisle on her proud father’s arm in head-to-toe silk, the dress flattering her full bosom and growing baby bump, the sleeves long and if I had to guess, I’d say the gown is backless. Her long hair is twisted intricately at the back of her head and her face is a picture… pure happiness radiates from every inch of her as she and Theo lock eyes.
Bad Wife Page 13
