by Nicole Trope
Megan sees him swallow hard. Pain flits across his face but his eyes don’t leave the screen of his PlayStation. ‘Sometimes he would tell me he would send me back to you when he was mad at me. Then he would tell me about all the things you would say, all the lies you would tell and all the things that would happen to me.’
‘And then you would behave so he wouldn’t send you home?’
‘My home was with him.’
‘But before that your home was with me, and you must have missed me sometimes, you must have asked to come home sometimes?’
‘He didn’t like it if I did that.’
‘And what did he do when he didn’t like what you did?’ Megan asks quietly, not wanting to break the spell of his words. She feels goosebumps rise along her arms. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know.
‘What?’ he says. ‘What are you talking about? Why are you in here?’
‘Daniel, look at me.’
He drops the game onto his chest and does as she says.
‘What are you not telling me about Dad? Is there something you’re not telling me? Because I feel like there’s something you want to tell me, something you want to say.’
He leaps off the bed and moves towards her, yelling, ‘I don’t want to tell you anything except that I hate it here and I hate you! I wish I could go back to Dad. I hate you!’
‘Oh, Daniel,’ says Megan. ‘Oh, baby, please calm down. You can’t go back to Dad.’
Daniel stops and then he slumps onto his bed. ‘He’s dead,’ he says. ‘I know he’s dead.’
When Michael gets home after midnight, Megan is still awake.
‘Bad day?’ he asks as he lies down next to her.
She sighs. ‘If I didn’t have a DNA match, I wouldn’t believe he was my son. There is something wrong, more wrong than him having lost his father and being home with me.’
‘Megan, listen,’ says Michael, easing the laptop out of her hands and shutting it down. ‘He’s been away a long time and he’s been told that you didn’t want him. That screws up any kid. I have a feeling things are going to get a lot more complicated from here on in anyway.’
‘Why?’ Megan experiences a quick, sharp pain across her chest. What now? What now?
Michael puts his hands behind his head. ‘I spoke to Detective Wardell today. She says they’re still struggling to get useful DNA from the body, but they’ve ascertained that the fire started in the kitchen. Petrol was used.’
‘So, it wasn’t the hotplate?’
‘No, not the hotplate.’
‘So, they think… Do they think Daniel did it?’ Her heart sinks. It is possible? Is it really possible that he did this? All the things she has been trying to dismiss, the picture on his phone, what she thinks she heard him say to Evie, what he said to her in the car. All these things are pointing towards a child so damaged he may have done this terrible thing. Yet she cannot bring herself to believe it.
‘Daniel, or the person who took the car – because they believe someone did take the car. They have a countrywide search on for it.’
‘It has to have been someone else,’ she says, fighting to hold onto that truth. ‘Regardless of how badly Greg treated him, I can’t believe that he would do something so heinous. He’s scared of someone, someone who threatened him or something. That’s why he’s been so strange. He’s worried whoever hurt Greg is still out there.’
‘I thought Greg didn’t treat him badly?’
‘I didn’t say anything about this because…’
‘Say anything about what?’
She takes a deep breath. ‘Daniel showed me a picture of himself on the phone. He had a black eye and he told me… he said, “That’s what happens when you break the rules.”’
Michael sits up and looks at her. ‘How could you not have told me about this?’
Because he’s my son, because there is no one to protect him but me, because I signed the forms to let Greg take him, because this is all my fault and I don’t want people to think there’s something wrong with him even though I do. I do think there’s something wrong.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says instead of anything else. ‘I shouldn’t have hidden it from you but a few minutes later when I went to talk to him about it, he denied there was any picture. He told me I was lying.’
‘If they can somehow tie the fire to him, we will need a way to prove that he was pushed into it.’
‘It wasn’t him, Michael, I know it wasn’t him. I know my son.’ Do I know my son?
‘I don’t need you to protect him from me, Megs. I’m here with you and we’ll get through this together. I’m willing to do anything to help but we have to start with the truth.’
Michael gets off the bed. He paces back and forth, running his hands through his hair. ‘I’m not sure we should have him in this house. He may be dealing with a lot more than we understand right now. I don’t know what happened, but until we have the whole truth, I’m not sure he should be here.’
‘Then where is he supposed to go, Michael?’
‘Maybe he can stay with your parents.’
‘No,’ says Megan in a fierce whisper. ‘I will not let go of this child again. I will not send him away. He’s been through enough. We’ll get him more help, we’ll see Eliza twice a week until we have the truth. My son would not have done something like this.’ Megan can feel her body heat up.
‘Okay, okay,’ says Michael, holding up his hands. ‘But you better not leave him alone with Evie, not ever.’
Megan swallows, deciding not to tell him about the milk incident. Only when her husband has left the room does she allow herself to burst into tears. Only then does she accept what she thinks she may have known from the first day he returned: there is something wrong with her child. She is afraid of what is going to happen to her family, to her life.
But mostly, mostly she is afraid of Daniel.
Twenty-Eight
Saturday 20 May 2017, Four years since Daniel was taken
Megan opens her eyes and stares at her alarm clock, willing it to go off. She can hear the rain outside, and when she pokes a foot out from under the covers, she can feel the chill in the air.
She knows she should just skip her run this morning. She knows it would be stupid to go out in this downpour, but when her alarm beeps she gets up anyway and puts on her running gear with a rain jacket and cap to keep the water off her face.
It’s dark outside and the streets are empty. It’s difficult in the beginning as she tries to find her stride and watch where she’s going. She runs through a puddle and feels cold water soak into her socks.
Finally, her body settles into a rhythm with the music she is listening to and she feels herself relax. It’s 5 a.m. She only has to be at work at ten, but she wants to try a different approach to this day this year. She wants to leap into it with her fists up and fight her way through the hours, pushing away feelings of despair.
Daniel is ten years old. She wonders how tall he is. She wonders if his face has lost its little-boy chubbiness. What’s his favourite food now? Does he have a computer? What does he like to watch on television? What does he like to read? Does Greg take him to the library like she used to?
She hopes that her son is no longer missing her even though she misses him every single day. She would like him to be happy, and if that means she has become a distant memory to him, then she can accept that.
The rain comes down harder and Megan trips over something in her path, almost but not falling over. A car speeds past her with its headlights on and hoots as if to let her know what she is doing is ridiculous. But still she runs.
By the time she gets back home she is soaking and freezing. She stands under the shower until her hot water grows cool, luxuriating in the feeling of no longer being cold.
Once she is dressed, she looks at her phone. It’s too early for anyone in her family to call her. She opens her laptop instead and finds a message from Sandi wishing her a good day and one from Tom, who
she can see is online.
‘I’m thinking of you today, lovely Megan, and I hope you get through it.’
Tom has recently taken to calling her ‘lovely Megan’. Megan doesn’t love the idea but can’t quite see how to get Tom to stop doing it without hurting his feelings. She wants to believe that he has moved past his hurt at her refusal to leap into a relationship with him. When he had contacted her again after not speaking to her for a few weeks, she had felt herself breathe deeply, relief suffusing her body. She hadn’t wanted to lose him as a friend. Perhaps allowing him to call her ‘lovely Megan’ is just a small thing she can do for him.
‘Thanks, Tom. I’ve been for my run already so it’s just a matter of waiting for work to start so I can get through today.’
‘I hope it passes quickly for you. Can I ask you a question?’
‘Ask away.’
‘Do you ever think about having another child?’
Megan shivers despite the heated apartment. This thought has crossed her mind once or twice but it is always accompanied by feelings of guilt and defeat, as though another child will negate her love for her son and mean that he is never found.
‘Honestly, I don’t know if I could. It feels like it would be a betrayal of Daniel, like I was forgetting him, you know? Sometimes I find myself looking at other families and I do miss it, but the thought of starting to date again and having to explain my situation to someone else feels impossible.’
Megan has typed her answer carefully, aware that she and Tom might be heading back into dangerous territory.
‘Nothing is impossible, Megan. I do know that if I ever managed to date and fall in love with someone again, it would have to be a person who really understood my situation. Do you understand what I’m saying?’
Megan is about to reply when her phone rings, which she is grateful for. She is not going to get into a conversation like this with Tom, knowing where it can lead.
‘Got to go, phone is ringing, speak soon. X,’ she types before answering her phone, hoping that he will accept her non-reply.
She is expecting her mother but instead it is Michael Kade.
‘Hi, Megan, I know it’s early but I also know you get up early to run, so I thought I would take the chance to just call and check in.’
‘You’re right, I’ve already been for my run. I’m… I’m okay, I guess… Well, you know how it is.’
‘I know,’ he says, and Megan leans her head back against the couch. He has a deep voice, almost as though he was once a smoker but he’s told her he never has been. She has spoken to him three times in the last year, just quick casual chats. He had asked her to go for coffee again but she had, once again, refused his offer.
‘What a stupid thing to do,’ James had chastised her when she’d told him about her calls with the detective. ‘He’s gorgeous and will find some un-fucked-up woman to date any minute now.’
‘If you weren’t married to my brother and I didn’t love you so much, you wouldn’t be allowed to be this rude, you know,’ Megan had laughed, ‘and if he finds someone, he finds someone. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be ready.’
‘I wanted to let you know,’ says Michael now, ‘that I’m leaving missing persons. I’m moving over to serious crimes. It’s a promotion and something I’ve wanted to do for a while now.’
‘Oh…’ Megan finds herself unable to say the correct thing. She knows she should congratulate him but all she can think is, Who will look for Daniel now?
‘I’m never going to stop looking for him, Megan,’ Michael tells her before she can even pose the question. ‘Even though I won’t be directly involved, I will keep reminding my replacement, a really nice woman named Tali, about the case. He will not be forgotten. I promise.’
‘How can you be sure about that?’
‘Because I am. I just made you a promise. You don’t know me very well but it’s not something I take lightly.’
‘Okay, I believe you.’
‘You should. You would if…’
‘If?’
‘If you got to know me better. I’m giving this one more shot, Megan… will you meet me for dinner?’
‘I…’ Megan looks around her neat apartment where nothing ever moves unless she moves it. Sometimes she leaves a mess in the kitchen just so she can come back in and sigh and then clean up as though Daniel has been in there, as though someone other than her has been in there. There are times when she realises that she has not spoken to a single soul all day if she hasn’t been at work. In a moment of clarity, she realises that this idea would make Greg happy. He took Daniel to punish her and make her suffer, and if he knew that she was still alone after all these years, he would congratulate himself on having achieved exactly what he wanted.
‘Yes… yes, Detective Kade, I will meet you for dinner,’ she says, determined.
‘Tonight?’
‘Not tonight. How about tomorrow?’
Thoughts of her dinner date with Michael juxtapose with thoughts about Daniel all day. Megan feels sad and guilty and excited all at the same time. She doesn’t want to feel anything except her loss.
On Sunday night Megan meets Michael at an Italian restaurant. They talk about his music and the jazz band he sometimes plays in. They talk about her work and how she has recently begun painting again. ‘Mostly pictures of Daniel.’ They laugh about a common dislike of fish but a love of spaghetti.
When he drops her home, he leans towards her and she feels her heart rate speed up, knowing what’s about to happen. When his lips touch hers, they are soft and firm and she sinks into the feeling, revelling in something she hasn’t done for years and years.
Afterwards, she doesn’t mean to cry.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says, ‘I’m so sorry, I thought…’
‘No… no,’ she shakes her head, ‘it’s not that, it’s not that I didn’t want it. I did, I did. It’s just been so long since I’ve been kissed. Years actually. It’s nice, it’s really nice. Please do it again.’
She would like to invite him in but she’s not ready for that yet. Instead she is the one who leans forward, and this time when he kisses her, he pushes his body against her a little, leaving her breathless. When she closes the door, she looks around her apartment and things feel different, less severe, less spartan.
She browses the net for a little while, and sees that Tom is online.
She wants to tell someone, to talk to someone, but not Tom.
She sees Sandi is also online.
‘I had a date tonight, my first in forever,’ she types.
‘A date?’ Sandi responds instantly.
‘Yep.’
‘How was it? Did you like him? What does he look like? Why have you decided to date again?’
Megan laughs. Sandi sounds just like her girlfriends used to when they were teenagers.
‘I do like him and he’s gorgeous. I don’t know why I said yes, I just… I just said yes.’
‘I don’t think I could be with another man myself. My ex was the love of my life, really. It’s hard when the love of your life betrays you.’
‘Why would the loves of our lives have done something like this to us?’
‘Good question. Are you going to see him again?’
‘I think so, yes… yes, I am.’
Megan waits a few minutes for Sandi’s reply but she is suddenly offline.
She closes down her computer and climbs into bed. As she’s drifting off, she thinks about Detective Kade and the way he kissed her. She falls asleep easily for the first time in four years and she dreams of Daniel in his paddling pool. He splashes her and she laughs and he says, ‘It’s okay, Mum. It’s okay.’
In the morning she knows that she is finally ready to make space in her life for someone else.
Twenty-Nine
Daniel – ten years old
Daniel sits in the playground alone. He tries to eat his Vegemite sandwich slowly so that he feels full when he’s done. This town is called Herberton
and it’s in Queensland. When Dad told him they were moving here, Daniel thought it would mean beaches and surfing and other cool stuff, but they live far away from the beach in something called a ‘granny flat’ at the back of someone’s house. The people who live in the house are old and cross and whenever they see Daniel, they frown at him, even though he never makes any noise.
Dad hasn’t been able to get much work in this town so they don’t have much money, but he has let him go to school. He has to use the name Daniel Ross here but he’s used to being Daniel Ross now. Dad told them he’d lost all his records and that his mother had died and even though the principal looked at Dad like he was strange, he still said Daniel could come to school. Dad got mad when he saw how much the uniform cost so Daniel tries not to run around at lunch and get it dirty because he only has one pair of pants and one shirt.
Daniel wanted to go to school even though Dad told him how hard it would be but now he’s scared to talk to anyone in case they ask him about Mum and then they laugh at him because his mum doesn’t love him, or even worse, they call the police.
In the afternoons, he walks home and he tries not to watch all the other kids and their mums. He doesn’t like to watch hugs being handed out. He doesn’t like to smell the sweet flower smell of other mothers who come with treats to give their kids and laugh when they see them. Dad has told him that the best thing to do when you’re sad is to put up a wall around your feelings so they can’t get to you.
‘Just imagine you’re building it brick by brick so nothing can make you feel bad.’
Daniel is getting really good at building the wall, at not feeling anything at all, but he still doesn’t like to look at the mothers.
He finishes chewing his sandwich and looks over at where the other kids are playing soccer. He wishes that he could be allowed in the art classroom during lunch, but his art teacher – Mr Wood – says no one is allowed. He says Daniel is the best artist in his class. Daniel thinks about Mum when he’s doing art and then he has to build his wall and make sure it’s strong so none of his feelings can hurt him. Sometimes he thinks he really hates his mother. She hated him so he may as well hate her.
