He used to run to stay in shape but lately it had more to do with expending confusion and frustration rather than exercise. His struggle against his attraction to Julia had proved futile. And now that he’d held her in his arms, it would only make the inevitable more difficult. There was no future for them, and he berated himself for dragging things out. His prayers for God to remove his desire for her had come to nothing. If anything, he desired her more every time they were together.
He’d barely been able to restrain himself from speaking words of love to her today. It was like trying not to breathe. If he did confess his heart to her, then what next? There were only two options—marriage or heartbreak. Since he doubted Julia would ever consider him in the light of a husband, heartbreak was the only logical end. The longer he prolonged things, the more it would tear them both up.
Marc knew Julia was in a vulnerable place right now. She was away from her normal environment and there were probably some spiritual issues she was dealing with. In talking, she’d unwittingly revealed clues to deep hurts and disappointments by her family in the past. He’d be calloused to court her in such circumstances.
He’d always hoped to marry and raise a family, but he’d imagined finding a wife would be a more cerebral process. More like a meeting of minds, a comfortable easing into a relationship with the chosen mother of his children. But his feelings, his love for Julia, felt more like an illness. An illness he had no wish to recover from.
Marc’s parents had always exhorted him to guard his heart, to avoid casual romantic relationships, and instead wait for the woman God had for him. For the most part, he’d been content to heed their advice, planning to express love only to the woman he married. But where did Julia fit in? Knowing how much her job meant to her seemed to preclude her from what he could offer.
The sidewalk stretched out in endless yards before him, cracked and warped from use and the roots of old trees. He ran harder.
Maybe I’m not meant to be married, because if I can’t have Julia, I don’t want anyone at all.
***
Julia believed one of the best remedies for an aching heart was housework. My own house therefore, testifies to the fact that I must’ve had a chronic heart condition for the past thirteen years. She’d gone through a failed marriage, dragging grief, and difficult family problems. Subsequently, everything was spotless.
Today, Sara’s house got the treatment. Never mind that the maid service would be there in the morning. Julia wiped her brow with a shaking hand. This was the result of daring to think about a serious relationship—about marriage again. Surely her first attempt should’ve killed any ambitions in that direction for the rest of her life.
Julia sank onto a living room chair and put her head in her hands, squeezing her eyes shut against the onslaught of unwelcome memories. Would she ever be able to bury her nightmarish past? She could still taste the fear when Kevin's parents told her they’d found the body of her new husband, dead from an overdose. Instead of a honeymoon, she'd ended up attending a funeral.
She’d known Kevin was recovering from a drug addiction, knew she’d been taking a chance. But in those days she really believed she had enough love for the both of them. By the strength of her will she would help him break free forever. And he would love her all the more for it. Hadn't he believed it as well?
Julia pressed her hands against her ears, still hearing the jeers of her mother and friends saying I told you so. Even her beloved father had lashed out of his own hurt and anger. Only Brian had remained silent, offering the comfort of a shoulder to cry on. She shuddered as she forced the memories back into the vault of her mind. There was no point in dwelling on what she couldn't change. She rubbed her arms, suddenly cold. What a basket case. No wonder Marc is shying away. He could probably tell his life would be a disaster if he hooked up with me. Smart man.
The doorbell rang, bringing her head up with a snap. Julia stood and smoothed back a lock of hair that had escaped during her exertions. Not wanting Sara and the baby to be disturbed, she hurried to the front door. On the other side of the threshold Marc stood with a giant bouquet of flowers and balloons. Julia pressed a hand against her heart, as if she could control its desperate thumping.
“I have a special delivery for the Farris family,” he said with a guarded smile.
Julia stepped aside to let him in, amazed at the calmness of her voice. “Sara and Alan are resting right now, but I’ll see that they get these as soon as they’re awake.”
Julia received the bouquet and took it into the kitchen. When she returned to the living room where he waited, she had no idea what to say to him. Yesterday, she’d been in his embrace. Today, he seemed like a stranger.
“I also have something for the new aunt on the front porch.”
Her breath caught at the warm tone of his voice and her treacherous heart pounded in response. Marc led her outside into the deep shadow of the porch, where he picked up a red rose and handed it to her. She lowered her eyes and brought the flower to her nose, unsure of what to say.
“Julia,” he said after a moment, “I want to ask you to forgive me for the way I acted yesterday afternoon.”
He didn’t offer an explanation and Julia didn’t require one. It was enough that he wanted to see her. She stared up at him, muddled by his nearness.
Marc stepped closer, standing close enough that she felt the warmth of his body. “You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now,” he whispered.
“Yes, I do.”
He dipped his head and brushed his lips across hers. Julia’s arms stole around his neck and he kissed her again, this time with little restraint. How could such a simple act push back the darkness that crowded her heart and mind?
The piercing wail of an infant ended the moment. She lowered her arms with reluctance. “Maybe baby Alan is shocked at our behavior.”
His low laugh encased her in a place of belonging. He kissed her one last time before releasing her completely. “Can I see you later this evening?”
Julia nodded, still dazed from his touch. You just name the time.
***
On a Sunday night before her first day at the college, Brian and Sara celebrated their second wedding anniversary. Julia held Alan while Sara prepared to go out to dinner with her husband. Brian had to talk her into the date as she was reluctant to leave her four-week-old baby for even a moment. After he agreed to be gone only two hours, Sara had finally capitulated.
She rattled off reams of advice and instructions to Julia while absently brushing her hair. Julia nodded and reassured her everything would be fine. Soon Brian managed to coax her out the door, leaving Julia alone in the big house.
With Alan in her arms, she went into the living room and settled on the couch. Haunting Scottish music with lilting vocals came from the stereo and had a tranquilizing effect on her as she sat in the low light from the torchière lamp.
Julia regarded the sleepy bundle in her arms and wondered at the heady magic a newborn possessed. His tiny head was crooked at a funny angle against her chest and his rosebud mouth formed a little O while he softly breathed, his tummy full from a vigorous feeding. She pressed a kiss on his forehead, wondering if she’d ever have a little one of her own.
Julia closed her eyes as her thoughts once again turned to Marc. Interspersed with finalizing details for the college job, the last few weeks had been an intense time together, whether driving up to the mountains or walking along the tree lined city streets, watching the leaves turn colors. She blushed as she thought of the increasing insistence of their kisses, contrasted by the subtle agreement to avoid plumbing the status of their relationship. She wasn’t precisely sure where she stood, yet she was unwilling for it to end.
A light tap on the front door halted her musings. Looking up, Julia saw Marc enter the door left open to invite in cooling breezes. He smiled when he saw her and walked over to where she sat. Leaning down, he dropped a light kiss on her lips before sitting next to her
on the couch.
“How’s the babysitter?” Marc stretched his arm along the back of the couch. His fingers strayed to the curve of her neck, sending shivers up her spine.
“I’m doing much better now,” she said with a meaningful look.
A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as he returned her gaze. The baby stirred, rubbing his face against her blouse. Julia tried to make him more comfortable by shifting him.
“May I?” Marc asked.
She nodded, carefully transferring Alan to him. He settled the baby against his chest and rubbed his little back until he was breathing evenly again.
“Sara had a tough time leaving him behind tonight.”
Marc smiled. “She’s a good mom.”
“She is.”
Searching her eyes, he raised his brows. “Are you all ready for tomorrow?”
“Yes. I’m looking forward to getting this assignment started.”
Marc traced the pattern on the arm of the couch with his finger. “Is our...relationship going to be a problem?”
Julia was unable to meet his eyes for a moment. Finally she lifted her shoulders. “I honestly don’t know.”
He lapsed into silence—his expression edged with the strain of the unknown that mirrored her own. The moody music drew them into their own private thoughts.
After a while, Marc sighed and turned his head toward Julia. She met his gaze, her heart brimming with emotion she couldn’t confess.
Shifting on the couch, he moved closer until his lips came to rest against her temple. “What are we going to do, Julia?”
Not having any answers, she tipped her face up to his. His kiss was one of sweetness and longing, causing a deep melancholy to well up within her. Julia cupped his face with her hand and kissed him back with all the love in her heart.
The sudden sound of voices drew them apart. Looking toward the door, her eyes widened when Brian and Sara walked into the living room. The expressions on their faces told her they’d seen plenty. Brian’s face remained placid, but his eyes held a glimmer of amusement. Sara’s was a blend of surprise and confirmed suspicion.
Blushing furiously, Julia stood and sent an imploring glance down at Marc. He stood up with an air of nonchalance and handed Alan back to his mother.
Sara smiled like the Cheshire Cat. “We came back a little early.”
“I noticed,” Julia said under her breath.
“So, how much do we owe you?” Brian asked with a grin.
She blinked in confusion. “What?”
Marc smiled and put his arm around her. “No charge,” he said, leading her out the front door.
When they were out of earshot, Julia turned to him, tugging on his hand. “How embarrassing!”
He lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “Why?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“What, are you ashamed to be seen with me?”
She glared at him. “Of course not! How can you even think something like that? I’m ashamed I got caught necking on their couch!”
He grinned. “We weren’t necking.”
“Close enough!”
Marc put his hands on her shoulders. “Want me to show you the difference?”
Julia’s lips twitched into a reluctant smile as some of her mortification eased. “Very funny.”
He pulled her into his arms and she rested her head on his chest. She felt as content as little Alan had a few minutes earlier.
“I should go now,” he said, pressing his cheek against her hair. “Let me know how tomorrow goes, okay?”
When she nodded, he added, “Maybe we could have dinner together, too.”
Julia nodded again and hugged him tightly. When he finally released her and left, she fought a suffocating feeling of loss.
Chapter Seventeen
Julia arose the next morning with a sense of purpose. At least work didn’t need any explanation or soul-searching. Everything was black and white. Adrenaline surged through her while she dressed for her meeting with Spencer Meyers. The familiar routine of preparing for work lent her a feeling of security. She pushed away crowding thoughts about how this would affect her relationship with Marc. Surely everything will work itself out.
She put on a sea green crepe de Chine dress with a square neckline and fitted waist. Adding pumps and an essential bracelet or two after putting her hair up in a softly conservative style, she felt her appearance was businesslike without compromising femininity.
Julia checked through her leather briefcase to make sure she had the necessary items at hand. Along with the usual office stationary items, she added her cell phone and newly printed business cards. Satisfied everything was in readiness, she grabbed her laptop and headed out the door.
Northwest Community College, situated ten miles outside the greater metropolitan Portland area, was a modern structure, built almost entirely of concrete and glass. The abundance of greenery and landscaping harmonized well with the severe lines of the grouped buildings. Julia parked her car and strolled into the main building.
After being ushered into an office on the top floor of the administration building, Spencer Meyers rose from behind his desk at her entrance. With a little jolt, she realized she’d forgotten how handsome he was. His dove gray suit set off his athletic form to perfection and complemented the color of his eyes. His classically cut hair was so blond it appeared nearly white.
His gave her a warm smile as he shook her hand to welcome her.
“How are you, Ms. Wilcox? Although we’ve talked on the phone, I haven’t seen you since the book party.”
“I’m fine. And you, Mr. Meyers?”
“Please call me Spencer. And I’m doing great now that you’ve come to save the day at Northwest.”
Julia had to laugh at this exaggeration. “Please call me Julia.”
Together they toured the facilities starting with the administration building that housed all the offices, then, onto the library connected to the main building of classrooms by a sky-bridge. They also visited the gymnasium, auditorium, theater, and planetarium.
While they walked, Julia asked questions about average enrollment, demographics of those who attended, and what the college featured that set it apart from other schools in the area. Julia knew the answers to her questions due to extensive research, but wanted Spencer’s thoughts and perspectives. Along the way they met a few staffers, but for the most part the college was empty. With the summer schedule at an end, it would be a week before preparations for the fall term.
Spencer explained that in the last several years Northwest had opened satellite schools to reach out to smaller communities in the area, as well as other programs to enhance enrollment, but despite expansion, the school continued to suffer financially.
The tour took up the entire morning, and Spencer insisted treating her to lunch. They ate at a nearby cafe—soon to be the haunt of the student body—and Julia grew to like Spencer more by the minute. He was informed, intelligent, and his professionalism was tempered with friendliness and a sense of humor. He would act in the role of liaison between his superiors and Julia. Not often blessed to work with someone of Spencer’s personality and qualifications, she had high hopes of a successful project.
After lunch they returned to the college. He showed her a meeting room where she’d soon be making her presentations. Next, he took her to a tiny cubicle set up near the main offices.
“It’s rather small,” Spencer said in an apologetic tone.
Julia decided the space was adequate. She’d be near Spencer’s office and out of the main flow of traffic. She had access to a telephone, modem, fax machine, and copier.
“It’s fine,” she assured him. “I appreciate how convenient you’ve made it for me.”
For the remainder of the afternoon, he drove her to all the satellite campus locations and they toured each one as well. When they returned to the main building four hours later, Spencer glanced at his watch with a frown.
“This has
taken longer than I thought, and we still have so much to discuss. I’ll be out of town for the next few days, so is there any chance we can continue today? We can order in dinner and hammer out some details at my office.”
Julia hesitated. Marc expected her for dinner soon. Although Spencer’s request was not something she made a habit of agreeing to, this time she was especially keen on going the extra mile for her firm. They’d done the same for her in letting have this assignment in the first place.
“Certainly. But I do need to make a phone call and reschedule a prior commitment.”
“Go ahead and use my office.” Spencer ushered her into his office and closed the door, giving her privacy while he waited in the hall.
Taking a deep breath, Julia pulled her BlackBerry from her purse and dialed.
***
Marc snapped the phone shut and set it on the counter. With a resigned sigh, he went over to the table and picked up the matted and framed print of the waterfall he’d planned to give to Julia tonight at dinner.
He tried not to feel frustrated, especially because he knew how much this job meant to her, but he had a gut feeling this wouldn’t be the only date canceled at the last minute.
Better get used to disappointment.
***
After her first week on the job, Julia worked through the weekend as well, compiling detailed information and polishing her presentation of problem diagnosis and assignment proposals.
Sunday evening she finished all the data input. After clicking on the Print icon on her toolbar, she began printing out several sets for the members of administration meeting Monday morning. She leaned back in her chair and glanced out her cottage window. Mt. Hood was bathed in a soft pink glow, reminding her of her time with Marc there.
Lights and Shadows (Oregon In Love) Page 12
