by S. K. Lessly
“That’s not true, Paul I—” She began, but I cut her off.
“No! Enough!” I put my hand up to stop her from saying another word. I ran my hand down my face and looked away from her. “I’m done with this conversation. I need to go, or I’m going to be late for work. I’ll talk to you later.”
With that, I turned on my heels and left her standing on the patio, her eyes filling with tears. I grabbed my bag and left the house wondering if I was too hard on her. The shit I said was true. She didn’t trust me if she thought for one second, I wanted Sabrina over her. The many times we talked about our feelings for each other, how I told her how happy she made me feel every second of every day and how I couldn't see my life without her, how could she even begin to think I would want anyone else.
I threw my bag in the back of the truck and climbed inside. I started the engine and backed out of the driveway, intent on forgetting this shit between Lauren and me. I needed to focus on my shift, and not twenty minutes after I arrived, I was rolling on a call with my team. I decided that I would give us both space before I called her. She and I both needed to calm down. I hated to let this fester but I needed a break. I needed to think.
“When it’s real, you can’t walk away.” -Unknown
25
Lauren
I heard the door slam then the loud revving of his truck as he drove out of the driveway.
Great job, Lauren!
I was such an idiot. I dropped my head down, closed my eyes, and let the tears fall. He was completely right, and I knew it. What was I thinking last night? I wasn’t, that’s the problem. You see, he and I spent countless nights wrapped up in each other’s arms, just talking. We talked about what we wanted out of life, what we wanted and needed from each other. Things had been going well, very well I might add, and I probably messed it all up with my stupid jealous ways.
I sighed and wiped my face with the back of my hand. I stood, grabbing my mug off the table and headed back inside. It was early, too early for me to start my day. I decided a long hot shower was in order, and I was crawling back into bed. Maybe if I could get more rest, I could figure out how to fix this mess.
I checked the locks to both the patio door and the front door, grabbed my clothes and purse from the living room floor before making my way upstairs. I threw my shit on the bed, plugged in my dead phone, and padded my way to the bathroom. I unwrapped my body from the sheet I had tied like a toga and walked naked into my shower.
The time spent under the hot spray, washing away yesterday and the sweaty sex we had afterwards, was very much welcomed. I couldn't help the smile that appeared due to the memories of last night. I knew what last night was to him. It was him proving to me just who I belonged to, staking his claim and he really didn’t need to. I knew I belonged to him, hands down. There was no other man I wanted. He was it for me. Wait… was he it for me?
I lathered up my body as I thought about what that statement could mean for me, for us. Could I marry again? Would that make sense for us? Were we moving too fast? Even though we’d known each other for a while now, were we even ready for marriage? Hell, did he even want to marry me? The way I behaved yesterday probably not. The thing was I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. My heart ached at the thought of losing Paul. I physically felt ill.
But if we decided to get married, what would people say? Wait how about I go a step further and go back to the million-dollar question. Does he want to get married again at all? To be honest, I couldn’t answer that question. We hadn’t really talked about it. Maybe we should. And honestly, why should I care what others thought about what we did? It was our lives. It should only matter what we thought.
The water began to turn cold, and I finally pulled my ass out of the shower. I toweled off and dressed in one of Paul’s Bloomfield Fire and Rescue t-shirts and a pair of boy shorts. I yanked the covers back and climbed inside the bed, pulling the covers over my face.
I closed my eyes, and my mind drifted to a conversation that he and I shared a few weeks ago.
It had been a cold rainy day. I didn’t have class, thank goodness, and he had been off. We were cuddled up in the basement, listening to the rain pelt against the outside patio, the trees, and the back deck. The wind blew fiercely, rattling the windows, passing through any crevice it could find making a whistling noise in its wake.
Paul and I were on the sectional, his back against the couch cushions, my back against his. I had a throw cover over me and his warmth at my back. Soft music played in the background adding to the ambiance of the relaxing, lazy day. I had my eyes closed, loving the feel of his fingers intertwined with mine. Listening to his heart beating against me was also a calming feeling.
I had just started to drift off to la-la land when he asked, “Did you ever think you and I would get here?”
I leaned to the side so that I could look up at him and watched him bring my inner wrist to his lips, lingering there before he kissed me. He closed his eyes and seemed to revel in the intimate touch. When he opened his eyes, he focused them on me.
Goodness, he was so hot. I cleared my throat and smiled up at him. “I had hoped we would get here, eventually, but yeah it was touch and go for a while, especially with you having Bridgette and all.”
“Yeah, but that’s the thing,” he began shifting his own body so that I could look at him more comfortably. “I didn’t think we were at risk. It’s weird. I had been working my ass off to get over you, and every time I thought I was making strides, you’d pop up somewhere and blow that shit up.”
I frowned, a bit confused and asked, “What do you mean?”
“Like the movies. Or hell the wedding. I had thought I was good and ready to move on with my life. After all, it had seemed you had done it. You moved on, and I was trying to do the same.”
“Ouch,” I coiled back from him slightly. He tapped my nose lightly.
“That was our reality at the time, babe. Regardless if you liked the guy back then or not, you had gotten back on the proverbial horse, and I felt like I needed to do the same. But then I saw your hot, sexy ass at the wedding, in that gorgeous dress and all I thought about was getting you naked.” He chuckled lightly and shook his head. “I wanted you in my arms again. And to be quite honest with you, if I would have caught up with you that night when you rain out of the reception hall—”
I scoffed cutting him off, “I didn’t run.”
He chuckled again. “Uh yeah babe, you did. That Otis Redding song came on remember? You had been sitting at the table, your eyes closed, reminiscing about that night in New York when I played that song for you.”
My eyes went wide as he spoke knowing damn well that was exactly what had happened but I was floored he knew what I was thinking.
“How did you—" I started to say, but it was his turn to cut me off.
“Because I had been thinking of the same thing. I watched you as you swayed to the music, your eyes closed, your face heated. And when you opened your eyes, and they fell on me. I just knew. But you ran, and shit, I found myself running after you.”
I switched my position, putting my back to the couch, and draped my legs over his, careful not to squish his leg behind me. “You came after me?”
He nodded, his eyes intense and filled with truths and promises. “Oh yeah and if I would have found you that day, let’s just say we would have probably been back together that night. Nevertheless, as you know, I didn't find you. So, I thought it was fate we weren’t supposed to be together. Then I saw you again, sick as a dog at the movies, looking helpless and all I wanted to do was take you home, spank your ass for leaving with the flu, then nurse you back to health. Shit, woman there had been times I would be thinking of you, and you’d appear right before my eyes, getting gas or at the grocery store.” He laughed and ran his hand over his head, the hand resting on his neck.
“You were everywhere; in my thoughts, in my space at times, and fuck if you weren't embedded in my heart. But I still wasn’t sure if I should do
anything about how I was feeling until Christmas, until I finally admitted to myself, and Samson and Tyler, that I was still in love with you. I was using Bridgette to get over a love that had been woven into my soul. I shouldn’t have been with her. I had been fooling myself in thinking I wanted or needed to get over you when what I needed was you.”
Goodness, this man knew exactly what to do to make me swoon. I pushed the throw cover off me and positioned myself on his lap, my knees resting on either side of his hips. Paul rested his hands along my hips, guiding me to settle on his crotch. I placed my hand on each of his cheeks and leaned in to lightly kiss his lips.
“You say the sweetest things to me.” I kissed him again, fighting the tears that wanted to ruin this moment.
I felt his grip tighten on my waist and I kissed him again, never deepening the kiss, just feeling his softness against my lips. When I pulled back from him, his blue eyes were intense, focused, and full of love and desire. My body heated, my heart fluttered, and butterflies took flight in my belly. The sheer look in his eyes had me about to lose the battle with my tears and strip his clothes off all at the same time.
“Lauren, being here with you, being able to love you, hold you, touch you, and get lost in you is the best feeling in the world. At first, it freaked me out. I’m not going to lie. The crazy way you made me feel, unhinged and obsessed. I had felt out of control for always wanting you, needing you. However, I realized something. I realized that what I felt was normal. I was in love. All that time I was married, I thought I knew what love was, but I didn’t. Now I do. All along I’ve been falling hard for you, and I didn’t even know it.”
That night we made love slow and easy, caressing each other, confessing our love until we exhausted ourselves. We then fell asleep, our limbs intertwined with each other, sated and happy.
Ugh! I am so stupid.
How could I forget about that night? How could I question how much this man loved me? He was it for me, and I was it for him. We declared it to each other that night with our words and with our actions. And sure, we did it while in the thralls of passion but so what. We both were so raw and open; every promise and declaration of devotion and love was real. What we shared that night was the realist experience of my life.
I loved this man. I wanted this man forever.
I sat up and grabbed my phone off the nightstand next to me. I pulled up his number and called him. His phone rang for a long time before it went to voicemail.
Shit…
I tried him again, and again, he didn’t answer. Feeling defeated I dropped the phone next to me and blew out a breath. Not having the ability to talk to him, to make this right was making my stomach hurt. I needed to fix this. I just didn’t know how I was going to do that if he wasn’t answering his phone.
* * *
I spent the day wandering around the house trying to keep busy. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, as well as did laundry. I even baked banana nut bread. I tried to do anything to distract me, but all I kept going back to was the look in his eyes when he left for work.
By the time the evening rolled around, I had called him multiple times throughout the day, leaving him apology messages and texting him how much of an idiot I had been and he had yet to return any of my calls or messages. I was going out of my mind, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
Dressed in a pair of jean shorts and a fitted tee, I pushed my feet into some flip-flops, locked up the house, and made my way to the fire station. This was the longest we’ve ever gone without talking to each other, and it was killing me.
I parked my car on the side of the station, and as I exited the car, my phone rang. I saw it was Paul and my heart skipped a beat. I choked back tears as I answered,
“Hey,” I said softly as I headed to the front of the station.
“Where are you?” he asked just as I turned the corner of the firehouse. He was there, standing next to one of the trucks, his phone clutched to his ear. The moment he saw me he stopped walking. I didn’t. I barreled right for him and jumped in his arms the second I was close. I wrapped my arms and legs around him and buried my face into his neck. He smelled like my favorite cologne, smoke, and him; he smelled like home.
“What are you doing here?” he mumbled against my neck.
“I needed to talk to you,” I replied softly, lifting my head from his neck just to be heard.
He shook his head and squeezed me tighter against him. “You’re crazy. You know that?”
I brought my eyes to his and touched his face with my fingertips. “I know, and I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot, and I shouldn’t have behaved the way that I did. I have no excuse. There shouldn’t have been a doubt in my mind how you feel about me. I was so stupid and scared. Everything with you has been perfect. I can’t help but brace myself for the other shoe to drop, you know. I’ve never been this happy in my life, and when I saw Sabrina making such a fuss about you, I don’t know I suddenly felt like I could lose you.”
I knew I was talking fast and my heart was racing too. Paul had carried me around the side of the building to where his pickup truck was parked. He opened the back of the cargo bed and sat me down on the lowered door. I looked up at him as he cradled my face in his hands.
He leaned down and placed a soft kiss to my lips. It wasn’t lust-filled, grimy, or hungry. It was sweet and full of all the love he had for me. When we parted, he brushed his fingers along my cheeks, his eyes burning with so much love for me it penetrated to my soul.
“Please don’t be mad at me anymore? I can’t stand it,” I said softly, unable to say or do anything else.
Paul sighed. “Lauren, I don’t know how else to explain how much I love you, and what you mean to me. No other woman can make me feel as good as you can. You know me better than I know myself. You’re always there for me, giving me what I need, whether that’s peace and quiet so that I can get my head on straight, or you’ll give me chaos by fucking my brains out.” I gave him a small smile, my eyes filling with unshed tears.
“It physically hurts to breathe without you, baby.” He leaned in closer until he rested his forehead against the top of my head. His hands roamed up and down my arms, my back, caressing me gently. “I love you. No one could ever take me from you, no one. I promise.”
I closed my eyes at the admission of love from him and promise. He had never been afraid to express himself, to tell me that he loved me, how much I meant to him. He had confessed those three major words that night I walked away from him, from us. The moment they fell from his lips that night, I knew them to be true. I could see it in his eyes then, and I could see it and feel in with every stroke of his touch now.
I dragged my hands along the firm muscles of his back, fondling his shoulders, his back, his ass. I let out a long breath and whispered, “I love you too, so very much.”
He kissed me then, and this kiss, goodness gracious it was hot as hell. His hands went to my ass and he squeezed and pulled me closer to him. He wrapped my legs around his waist and with on hand firmly against my back, he hoisted us both up and into the cargo bed of the truck.
Paul nestled in between my legs and grinded against me. I moaned and broke the kiss only for his lips to make a trail down my neck to my collarbone.
My hands went to his hair as another moan filtered through the night air.
“What are you doing?” I whispered to him. The friction he was causing against my sex was sending pure pleasure all through me. I could feel my body heating up, my core throbbing for more.
“You smell so good that I can’t help it,” he said right before his lips were back on mine.
His tongue pushed into my mouth and drove me in-freaking-sane. I pushed up, circling my hips against him, craving for more. He didn’t disappoint. He shifted slightly so he could unsnap my shorts. He was just slipping his fingers into my panties when a shrill of a bell accosted our eardrums. And just like that, the heat that I had once felt from his body was gone. Hell, he was gone so fast that it made
my head spin.
I sat up and looked at him dumbfounded.
The side of his face curled up into his cheek. “Sorry baby, duty calls.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, and he laughed and held out his hand for me. I grabbed it and he helped me down, zipped my jean shorts, and snapped them closed. He placed a quick kiss to my frowning lips and started backing up from me.
“I’m sorry, baby. I love you. Call me or text me when you get home.”
Before I could reply he was gone. A few seconds later, I heard the sirens and the rumble of the trucks pulling out of the firehouse. I blew out a breath and looked around the neighborhood. It was quiet after they had gone. Trying not to get freaked out I closed the cargo door to his truck and quickly made my way to my car. Once I was safely inside, I started up the engine and went home, a huge smile on my face the whole way there.
* * *
I was lying on the couch watching a movie when my doorbell rang. I looked up at the clock on the cable box and found it was seven at night. I scrambled out from under the throw cover and peeked outside. I found Tonya standing on my stoop with a bottle in one hand and a huge smile on her face.
I smiled and opened the door for her.
“Hey, bitch,” she greeted me with a smile.
I laughed and moved to the side to let her in.
“Hey, bitch,” I returned in a sing-song voice. “What are you doing over here? And where’s my baby?”
Tonya rolled her eyes and stepped inside my house. She headed straight to my kitchen to pull out two glasses from the cabinet on the right of the sink.
“Girl, I have a free night. Tyler gave me extra money and told me to get out and have a girl’s night out or something. I didn’t feel like going to the club, so I thought what better way to spend my night than to hang out with you and drink until I can’t feel my face.”
I had followed her to the kitchen, found a seat at the kitchen island, and watched as she pulled out a bottle of Tito’s vodka. She moved to my fridge, grabbed the raspberry lemonade, and proceeded to make both of us a drink.
