by S. K. Lessly
Sabrina sucked her teeth. “You’re a fool.”
“No,” I shook my head, “I’m in love.”
Sabrina stared at me, but not with contempt but with curiosity and bewilderment. Finally, getting through to her I sat down on my bed, my eyes still pinned to her.
“Look, I don’t know what you overheard, but Lauren didn’t betray me. I’d put my life on it. You can call it stupidity or naïveté. I really don’t give a shit. To me it’s faith. It’s believing in the woman I love. It’s believing in what we have. Now I may be a dumbass at times and allow my past to interfere with my future, but not anymore.
“She sacrificed everything for me,” I explained, feeling my heart ache at the thought of what Lauren had to go through these last few weeks. “That’s true love, Sabrina. Can you say you could do the same for me?” I pointed to myself. “I would give up my life, my career for her in a heartbeat, that’s how much I love her. Do you understand?”
My blue eyes bore into her so much that she turned from my gaze. She nodded simply and sat down in the nearest chair.
“Yeah, I get it. And before I overheard what I did, I could see how devoted she is to you.” Sabrina said finally. “She’s been a mess without you. She’s barely slept. I’m not sure she’s been eating. She looks to have lost some weight. When she had to leave your side, which by the way wasn’t for long, your parents had to promise with blood that they would call her the moment anything happened. Even when she left the hospital, she wasn’t far. She had a hotel room just a few blocks from here.”
I leaned back in my bed and let Sabrina talk, telling me all the events that happened in her own words. I let her say her peace before I changed the subject from me to her and asked her about Dominic.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. He thinks I’m still in love with you, which is why I was spending so much time here.”
“Do you love him?” I asked.
She paused a moment smiled then nodded. “I think I do. I don’t know.”
“Sure you do. Why don’t you go to him and talk? Tell him your fears and expectations. Let go and see where this relationship takes you. If you feel it’s worth it, and you care for him, take a chance. You never know where it may take you.”
Sabrina looked at me with shock-filled eyes. She then chuckled and shook her head.
“What’s so funny?” I asked, smiling back at her, relief settling over me.
She chuckled again then shrugged. “It’s just ironic that my ex-husband is so passionate about my happiness with another man.”
“Sabrina, no matter how we ended up apart, I still wish nothing but the best for you.”
She smiled. “Thank you.”
I gave her a chin lift. “You’re welcome.”
She visited with me for a few more hours before she left, promising she’d check up on me via text in a few days. I thanked her and watched her leave, a weight seemingly lifting as her heels clicked along the floor, disappearing as she moved down the hallway.
I breathed out a sigh and closed my eyes. Now I needed to get a hold of my woman and beg for her forgiveness. I checked my phone hoping that she texted or called, not that I would’ve missed her call. The ringer was up and the phone was never out of my sight. Despite that fact, I checked it anyway, praying against hope that she reached out to me.
Hope fizzled out when I saw she hadn't called me yet.
Seriously, this was ridiculous. I swore the moment I saw her, I was going to spank her ass for ignoring me.
Frustrated, I closed my eyes and tried to think of where she could have gone. I felt myself drifting off to sleep when I felt my phone vibrate then ring in my hand. I jumped up and quickly answered it.
“Tank, what’s up? Have you….” I paused and listened.
“Yeah, I found her,” Samson told me. “She’s been admitted to the hospital and has been there since yesterday.”
Panic struck my face as I swung my legs off the bed. “Where?”
“Same hospital you’re at, fifth floor, the maternity ward.”
I thanked him then disconnected the call. I stood on wobbly legs, wiping my face exasperated. She's been here all this time. I needed to get to her. Thankfully, I didn’t have to waste time getting dressed. I was already dressed in a t-shirt and basketball shorts. I slowly made my way to the door when in walked my nurse.
“And where do you think you’re going?” Nurse Madeline asked, her hands perched on her hips.
I could tell by the look in her withering gaze, getting past her wouldn't be easy. Unfortunately, for her, I wouldn't be denied.
“I’m going downstairs to another floor. There’s a patient I have to see.” I explained and started for the door. She put her hand up and shook her head no, a reprimand ready to fall from her tight lips. I cut in quickly, pleading my case.
“Look, it’ll be really quick,” I told her. “It’s important. It’s my girlfriend. She's downstairs, alone. I have to see her. I need to know if she’s okay.”
Nurse Madeline didn’t move from her sentry at the door, nor did she seem fazed by my pleas. She narrowed her eyes on me, and I braced myself for the rejection. I’d just have to figure out—
“You can’t go down there and get her all upset again.” She scolded, and I froze, surprised, and my expression showed it. How could this woman know who I was going to see?
Even though I was lost for words, caught off guard if you will, she was not. The nurse jutted her chin out in my direction, and I swear her brown eyes got stormy.
“Yes, young man. I know who you’re trying to go see and I have to say she was in pretty bad shape the last time you two visited. I will not let you go down there upsetting her any further.”
I put my hands up in surrender. “I won’t upset her again, I promise. I just need to see her. I need to apologize for being an idiot. I need to tell her how much I love her. I want to check on her and our baby, please. I'll just be a few minutes, I promise.”
I could see it in her eyes that she was caving. I didn’t want her to know I knew I had her. I stayed where I was begging with my eyes, ready to get down on my knees if that’s what it took. I didn’t have to, thank God. It would have been a bitch to get back up.
“All right,” the nurse relented, blowing out a breath. “You can go see her. But…” she held up her hand stopping my movement, “…I can’t let you go down there unescorted; it’s hospital policy. Just wait right here. I’ll go and get a chair.”
I fought a groan and gave her a nod of my head. There was no way I wanted to be wheeled around as if I was debilitated or something. I wouldn’t complain though. As long as she was bringing me to Lauren, I’d suck it up and accept my fate.
The nurse returned with my chariot and I maneuvered my body in the chair. The walk to the elevator was quiet. I didn't speak until we arrived on the fifth floor.
“Do you know where she is?” I asked as she maneuvered me out of the elevator, on the fifth floor, and down a quiet hallway.
“Of course I do, I’m the one that brought her down here.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. It looks as if I had someone else I needed to talk to about what happened when I was down. I made a mental note to do just that.
Nurse Madeline wheeled me in a dimly lit room, patted me on my shoulder, and left the room. I heard the door softly click behind me, letting me know she had left us alone.
I could see Lauren was asleep. She looked so helpless and small in the bed. I felt even more like shit for how I behaved. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make this all better. I fucked up royally.
It was now or never. I stood up on shaky legs and made my way to her side. I grabbed a chair, next to the bed, picked it up, and sat it right next to her bed. She looked so peaceful sleeping. I smiled and lowered myself in the chair. Inching closer, I touched her face with my fingers, careful of her bruise but needing to touch her.
Her head lulled to the side, leaning into my touch as if on reflex. A moan soft
ly fell from her lips before her beautiful brown eyes met mine. I could see a slew of emotions swimming in her irises; none of them would bode well for me.
She leaned away from my touch, a look of shock covering her face, then pain, and finally anger. I silently prayed for the words I would need to make this right, all the while preparing myself to do battle, and a battle it would turn out to be.
29
Lauren
I opened my eyes to find Paul sitting right in front of me. He was touching my bruised cheek, and the sight of his bright, blue eyes made my heart want to leap from my chest and kiss his face. He was awake. He was here, and his touch woke me up from the hell I’d been buried in for weeks. I started to lean into his touch, the words I love you on the tips of my dry lips, but I remembered what had happened in his hospital room. The anger that swam through his stormy gaze made me shiver violently, not to mention the pain, hurt and accusations. He pushed me away.
I narrowed my eyes at him and moved my face from his touch.
I prodded harshly, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m checking up on you,” he said simply as if me shifting away from him didn’t faze him. Warmth flooded my body from the way he looked at me. I did my best to ignore him, though. I wasn’t going to be weak. He hurt me, and he needed to know it
“Well, there’s no need, you can go.” I turned my back on him, closing my eyes and hoping he'd leave. Although, I knew he wouldn’t. The next thing I heard was the scrap of the chair he was sitting in, signaling that he was moving closer to me. I felt his touch on my arm, my hip, and thigh, caressing me lovingly. Dang, it!
My breath caught in my throat at the feel of his skin against my arm. Goosebumps invaded my body, but I refused to let him see just how he was weakening my defenses.
“Lauren,” he whispered softly, “please, baby.”
I looked over my shoulder, making sure not to meet his eyes. I was afraid if I did, I wouldn’t be able to stay strong. I needed to stay strong.
“What, Paul?” I asked my voice tight and cold. “You’ve made it perfectly clear you didn’t want to be bothered by me, and now I don’t want to be bothered by you. Please leave.”
He shook his head stubbornly; the stubborn jerk.
“I can't do that. I need to talk to you.”
I laughed dryly and rolled on my back to look at him.
“Oh, now you want to talk to me? Well, that ship has sailed. I don’t want to talk to you. To hear you accuse me of being with someone else again. After everything I’ve been through these last few… what are you doing?” My eyes narrowed into slits when Paul stood from his chair and started fumbling with the remote control for my bed. I glanced at the control in his hand then up at him.
“What are you doing?” I asked again, and again, he didn’t reply. Suddenly my bed began to elevate, rising to his hip-level. Once he had me partially where he wanted me, the upper section started to rise, bringing me within eye level of him as he stood in front of me.
I turned my head away from him, not wanting to get tangled up in his fierce gaze. I did, however, keep my anger flowing. Paul attempted to caress the side of my face, and I moved from his touch.
“I'm sorry baby. I fucked up,” he chastised himself. His voice was low, full of penitence, worry, and something else I couldn't quite make out… fear maybe? I didn’t know. All I did know was how I couldn’t shake the hurt or the pain I felt.
I didn’t say anything to him, nor did I look at him. I refused to give into him, at least I was trying to. My body, as it is, was reacting to his closeness— stupid treacherous body.
“Baby, please just look at me.”
The desperation lacing his voice made some of the tension in my body to loosen. I shuttered at the sound of his pain, which by the way confused and upset me even further.
I was the one that was hurting. He rejected me, and yet I felt as if I had rejected him. How did he manage to flip this on me?
I found my courage and managed to get my lips to move.
“Leave, Paul. I don’t want you here.”
Gah, I sounded so weak to my own ears, I could only imagine how I sounded to Paul.
As I suspected, he didn’t heed to my wishes. Instead, he raked his fingers in my hair with one hand and the other he threaded his fingers with mine.
Jeez-us, I could barely breathe. My heart started to pound in my chest, and panic began crawling up my spine, seizing every muscle in my body. I was going to lose it again, and I didn’t want that, not in front of him.
“Please, you have to go.” I pleaded on a choked whisper. “I need you to go.” I was starting to pant now. “I can’t…” I hiccupped… “take…” I closed my eyes and shook my head trying desperately to keep it together. Tears started clouding my vision.
I closed my eyes. “Please, Paul…” I managed to whisper pleadingly. I heard him take in ragged breaths of his own and my eyes opened up to take him in. Fear overtook him, and he cupped my face in his trembling hands. Watching the tormented look override the longing in his features; dang, it just made me hyperventilate more.
“Okay, baby. Shhhh…” he caressed my face gently, soothingly. “Just calm down, baby. Shit, I…”
A battle surged in his eyes on what to do. He didn’t want to go and God, I didn’t want him to go either. I just couldn't deal with him. The feelings of rejection, of loss, were still so fresh and so overwhelming. It had felt like he gutted me yesterday, and I couldn't shake that feeling.
Paul stepped back from the bed, his hands running through his hair in frustration, and you know watching him put distance between us shattered me even more. I’m so pathetic.
I was just about to cave and call him back when he stopped and shook his head vehemently. “No, I can't do this. I’m sorry.”
My eyes grew wide, panic choking me now. I tried to sit up, to tell him not to go, that I was stupid, but I couldn’t get my body or my mouth to cooperate.
“Fuck, baby, no… please take it easy. Take deep breaths, calm down. I’m not going anywhere, okay. I need to be here with you. I need be with our baby. I just want to talk... Damn it, baby. Nurse Madeline is going to kill me.”
I tried to laugh, but it came out more like a choking sound. Paul moved swiftly to my side and to my surprise, and admittedly delight, he crawled into the bed with me. I had no choice but to shift over to give him room on the twin bed. He faced me, one hand holding up his head, the other caressing my face, wiping away my tears.
“Just hear me out, and then I’ll go. I need you to just listen, please.” I looked at him, relief settling over me and hating myself for it. I didn’t reply to his request, but he didn’t need me to. He kissed my forehead, his lips lingering, and blew out a contented sigh.
“I’m so fucking sorry, baby, for everything,” he admitted softly. “I'm sorry about my dad being a grade “A” asshole. I’m sorry for the way they treated you. I’m sorry for that fucker putting his hands on you. That shit will not go unpunished, trust me on that.”
He tilted my head up so that he could take in my wide eyes. I continued to remain silent. I kept my eyes on his as he continued to caress my face, my arms, touching every part of me he could, skin to skin. It was as if he needed the connection to continue or give him strength.
“My worst nightmare came true when I woke up. I had lost you.” Confused and ready to tell him he hadn't lost me, he placed his fingers against my lips. “That’s what my mind thought anyway. I had been having nightmares ever since I woke up. In fact, I think the nightmare caused me to wake up. I dreamt you left me. I had dreamed that you walked out on me, on us. I dreamed that someone took you from me and I couldn’t stop them. You could imagine how anxious I was when I woke up and you weren’t there. I could barely take in precious air before I coughed up your name.
“My father told me he would call you, and I relaxed knowing you’d be there, but you never came. For what felt like a lifetime, I waited. I was in and out of consciousness, praying tha
t the next time I opened my eyes, you'd be there, but you weren't. With your absence and everyone’s silence, things just festered. I didn’t have my phone, and no one would give me theirs. I should have known something was up then, but I wasn’t running on a full cylinder. Hell, I didn’t have a phone in my room.”
Hearing the manipulation that he was put through in such a vulnerable state was messed up. I felt bad for him. To see the look of devastation in Paul’s eyes, though, had me feeling even worse.
“I can’t believe they did that to you. I didn’t know,” I whispered, finally able to speak and breathe
He smiled down at me, a smile that never reached his sad eyes.
“I know you didn’t, but at the time I had thought that you did. I didn’t think my family would lie to me. I trusted them, which in the end was my downfall. Baby, I was losing my mind without you. I was trying to figure out how I was breaking out of the hospital to find you and talk to you myself, that’s when Sabrina told me—”
“Sabrina!” I barked out incredulously, anger back with a vengeance.
Paul raked his fingers down my face in an effort to calm my scrunched-up face. “Yeah, she overheard you talking to some guy. She assumed he was your new boyfriend and you were cheating on me with him.”
I snorted and rolled my eyes. “And you believed her?” I narrowed my eyes and tried to move away from him. Paul tightened his hold on me, preventing me from getting away from him.
“Not right away no, and I’m not proud of that either.”
I closed my eyes wanting to erase this day, these last few weeks, from my mind.
“Lauren,” Paul called my name with a slight growl to his voice. I reluctantly gave him my heated gaze. “Think about this from my perspective. I woke up every night without you being there. I was past rational thinking. I was reeling and add that to the fact I couldn’t go after you and find you myself, to talk to you, I couldn’t see straight. I had no idea my father would lie to me like that and tell me he spoke to you when he didn’t. I had no idea he would stoop so low as to put a restraining order, keeping you from me. I couldn’t think of a reason why you weren't by my side. So yeah, I let my fears, those fucked up dreams, and Sabrina mess with my head.”
