My stomach is squeezed by a strong fist. The nausea hits my throat, but I continue. Just make it home. Don’t lose it in front of Chris fucking Decker. “Then I better hurry,” I stammer. “I don’t like being out late . . . walking . . .” I can’t finish talking. My body folds as my insides can’t hold anything any longer. Food, bile, and the demons of the past are splattered on the floor.
He’s back, that man who made me do things I never wanted. Martin Levitz. He called it “work.” But, in actual fact, he whored me around. My own father. I’m not her. I will never be her again. He can’t touch me. He can’t sell me. I hate him. I hate him. He hates me. That’s why he let all those things happen to me. I won’t go back there. I’d rather die right here on this sidewalk in the face of humiliation than ever succumb to those demons again.
I tap the wheel while waiting for the light to change green. I’m only a couple blocks away from the house. Fucking traffic was a killer after the concert.
Thea isn’t answering her phone, and something tells me she’s not okay.
“I swear, one more red light and I’m abandoning the car.”
“I told you walking would’ve been faster,” Tristan says. “Hey, aren’t those your parents?” Tristan taps my arm, and his other arm is pointing at the opposite sidewalk. “There she is. She’s sick?”
I look both ways, press the gas pedal, running the light and make a U-turn almost hitting the median strip. “Fuck, what’s the matter with you? Are you trying to get us killed?”
I don’t listen to him. Have to get to our girl. Both my parents stop when I call after Thea. Her body stiffens and my heart screams that something is very wrong.
“What are you doing out here?” I yell as soon as I catch up to them. I take off my leather jacket and wrap it around a shivering Thea. “You’re freezing, baby. Why aren’t you at my place?” She doesn’t answer. In fact, she seems completely vacant. Her eyes are watching her phone, which is dripping with vomit and rain. “Pops, Dad?”
They shake their heads and shrug, indicating they’re just as clueless as I am, but don’t say a word.
“We’re going to take you home.” I draw circles on her back while helping her walk toward the car. Her legs try to fight me, but they’re too weak to win. My parents don’t say a word during the short walk, but both look concerned. Either they’re about to lecture me, or they’re worried about my girl. “Need a lift?” They both nod. “Let me drop Thea and Tristan first, then I’ll drive you.”
Tristan is already behind the wheel, his eyes focused on Thea who hasn’t responded to me yet.
“Dad, you go with Tristan.” I open the back door. “I’ll ride with Thea and Pops in the back. She’s too cold.” I adjust her seatbelt before settling in and hug her against me. There’s no resistance, but her body isn’t molding to mine either.
“In two hundred feet take a . . .” The screen of her phone goes black.
“My phone died,” her soft voice murmurs. “I only have my keys. The keys to a place that won’t exist anymore. I don’t belong anywhere.” Her silent sobs are killing me. “I never belonged. He took everything away from me. Everything.”
Who the fuck is she talking about?
I glance at Pops, who’s watching Thea with that helpless fatherly look that he gave AJ when he had no fucking idea what to do to calm her. It’s hard to do anything when I don’t know why she’s crying. The phone has nothing to do with the frozen woman I found in the streets. The apartment might be only a smidge of what is going on inside her head.
“You want me to take your parents?” Tristan questions as he parks in front of the building.
“No.” I unbuckle her. “Let’s settle you guys in, and I’ll drive them later.”
Tristan helps me with Thea. My parents join us and we go up to my place. My parents stay in the living room, while the three of us go to my room.
“She needs some clothes.” I point toward my drawers. “Please hand me a pair of sweats, a T-shirt. Let’s try to keep her warm. Did she drink tonight?”
“Not a drop, Matt. She was okay when she climbed into that car, I swear.”
I take off my jacket, unbutton her Polo, and she runs to the corner. “Don’t touch me, please don’t touch me.” She cries louder. “I’m not her anymore, you can’t use me.” Thea folds in half and she’s puking all over the floor.
Tristan and I look at each other not knowing what to do. Fuck.
“Butterfly, calm down. You need to get out of those clothes.”
“No. I know that’s not right. I know. Please don’t touch me.” She dry-heaves. “He can’t make me do it again. I can take care of myself. I can.”
Pops enters the room, approaching her cautiously like one would a wild animal. “Sweetheart, can we help you? Your clothes are soaking wet and you’re cold.”
She hugs herself and shakes violently. “Don’t touch me.” She starts crying again. “I’m not her, she’s gone.”
“Call Pria. She can help.” Pops takes a few steps back. “Tell her to plan on staying for the night.”
Pria? No, I can call my sister. She’d do anything for me.
“AJ?” My dad shakes his head.
“Call Pria,” he responds. “It’s late, and AJ can’t be out so late. Gracie needs her.”
MJ: I need your wife, please.
JC: What, why?
MJ: My girl is having a bad episode—nervous breakdown. Pops thinks she can help.
JC: I’ll take the bike. See you in a few.
“Hey, Pops.” Pria greets Pops who leans against the doorframe, watching Thea. For the past twenty minutes she’s been dry-heaving, crying and mumbling nonsense. If we get closer, she freaks out, begging us not to touch her. “It’s a little late for house calls, isn’t it?” Pria peeks through the door and retreats giving me a frown. “That’s Thea, the bartender.”
“Thank you, I knew she looked familiar.” I fake a smirk.
She squeezes my arm. “I’m here to help.” She looks again and asks, “Is she drunk?” Her face hardens.
“Do you know?” I’m astonished she’s aware of the secret.
She shrugs. “I guessed. One time she was staring at a shot of Vodka,” she explains. “I asked why and she answered, ‘To build strength.’ Pretty self-explanatory.”
“She’s not drunk.” Chris closes his eyes. “Someone or something hit just the right spot to bring some nasty shit from her past, and I’m guessing that’s why she developed those addictions at a young age. To protect herself.” My father wipes the corner of his eye. “She needs to feel safe, Pria. A man can’t be near her right now. But a friend can.”
“Of course, Pops.” Pria enters the room, shutting the door behind her.
I lean my head against the closed door, wishing I were inside making everything better for her. “What happened to Thea, Pops?”
There’s no answer and I turn to where he stood to find the spot empty. So much for fatherly support. He left me without a word? I go downstairs looking for him. He’s at the bottom of the stairs with Jacob, Tristan, and Dad.
“Is she okay?” Tristan’s weary eyes meet mine. I shake my head. “Fuck, I should’ve kept her with me. Listened to her and taken her to the apartment as she requested.” Without hesitation I walk to him and hold him in my arms, letting him hold me too. We freaking need each other. Our butterfly is breaking and we can’t be with her. “I knew she was already breaking down. The crowd, the music. All night I held her, trying to reassure her that we’d care for her, that nothing would touch her.”
“What is Thea to you, Matt?” Pops asks after Tristan is done speaking.
“I met Thea at the Silver Moon. She’s always been someone who I can chat with about nothing or have a deep conversation with for hours.” I contemplate how to continue. How much to share. This is harder than I thought. “The more time I spent with her, the more I wanted to know her, be next to her. Tristan developed similar feelings for her. She understands us—everything. Even wa
nted us to be together because she thinks we give each other something that the other needs. Worked hard every day so we’d fall for each other. Thea is our glue. The woman we love. Our relationship is fragile and we’re taking it slow.”
My parents are aware of my sexuality. They understand that for me, it isn’t about labels but the fluidity of what feels right. For me it isn’t about figuring out if I’m straight or gay. I just do my thing. As long as I don’t hurt anyone, they support me.
“There’s nothing wrong with picking one thing, one person, one career,” Dad intercedes. “You don’t have to have everything either. I was there tonight, Mattie. They love each other. Relationships of three, they can just be very challenging.”
Pops laughs. “Really, you’re trying to convince your son to have a socially acceptable relationship?”
“I’m just stressing that it’s hard to keep a relationship of that caliber, Chris. Would you like that for your son to conceal his family for thirty years?” Dad squeezes Pops hand. “If I recall, the pressure of hiding got to us. Fuck, Chris, we own an island just so the two of us could have vacations without anyone knowing. I don’t want that for any of my kids.”
“Matt, you have to think long and hard about this. Not to mention she has deep cuts that obviously haven’t been cared for.” Pops points toward the stairs. “You two have to be strong enough to deal with her past. As a counselor, I can give you a list of therapists who can help you navigate through that road. As a father, I worry. It’s a huge burden to bear. She’s a great kid, but something happened in her past that scarred her dreadfully. That’s probably the reason why she fell into the vice, why she had this episode.”
I don’t give a fuck what happened, or what he wants for me. Thea is my life. There’s no way in hell I’m following his: too hard. I’m capable to search for my own shrink and care for my woman. Even stay away while she’s crumbling, although not holding her is killing me right now.
“I believe she was abused,” Tristan answers with a silent whisper. “Her father made her . . . do things to advance her career from the time she was barely a teenager.”
“What career?” I push him away.
He searches my face. “I thought you knew that she’s a former child star.” I shake my head. “Well, now you know why I want to look for her father and kill him. But I don’t even know her birth name, because at eighteen Thea changed her name. That part of her life doesn’t matter to me. She’s the one that matters.” He shrugs, then turns to look at my father. “I’ll appreciate if you hand me the list, sir. Nothing is hard if it’s about and for her.”
Pops meets my gaze. “Don’t shut me down, Mattie. I just had to read you the fine print.” I give him a firm nod. “I’m here for you, Son. You know we can get through everything—as a family.” He extends his arms and I walk into them. “I love you, Son, and I think you’re capable of achieving everything that you want. I believe in you. If these are who you want for the rest of your life, then you have our full support.”
Abused as a teenager? She told Tristan, not me? My family accepts us. I simply can’t get my head around all of these things yet. Later. Fuck, probably much later. Right now, in the arms of my dad, I’m okay. We’re okay. Didn’t need his approval, but my heart feels stronger knowing I have it.
“Welcome to the family?” Jacob arches an eyebrow and looks at Tristan, then back at me. I nod. “You really can’t do simple, can you?” I smile for the first time today. “Talk to AJ. She’ll want to know about this new family addition.”
“Hey, little sister.” I enter the house, after dropping my parents, and look at Pria who sits on the steps being held by my brother. “How’s my girl?”
“Sleeping,” Pria answers with a yawn. “We couldn’t talk much, but I offered her to stay with us while she’s searching for her own place.”
“You two are on your honeymoon,” I remind her.
“We’re postponing the last leg, bro.” Jacob stands up and drags Pria with him. “You need me. Plus, I’m getting ready to release a new album. Need you and AJ to help me write a few songs and produce it. When I go on tour, she’s coming with, and we’ll finish that honeymoon.”
I hug him, because I do need him.
“Thank you for taking the time to help me, Pria.”
“Anytime. Call me if you need me again. As Jacob mentioned, we’ll be around.”
“I’m borrowing the jeep,” Jacob says, taking the keys. “I’ll come back later to exchange it for the bike.”
“You can stay in the guest room,” I offer, hoping he’ll accept because I fear Thea might need Pria again.
Jacob narrows his gaze, then glances toward his wife. “Twink?” Pria nods. “Cool then, we’re bunking here.”
My brother staying settles the pit in my stomach, and as they begin to climb the stairs, I follow. Tomorrow I’ll find out where Tristan went. Tonight I’ll just worry about Thea. When I reach the stairs, though, I find him, sitting on the floor, back pressed against the closed door. Guarding her. His eyes weary, his hands two fists ready to fight.
Jacob ignores him, reaches the guest room, and shuts it after Pria walks inside with him.
“She’ll be fine.” I join Tristan. “We’ll get through this—the three of us, together.”
“I know,” he says in a soft voice, putting his arm around me. “I love her. Loving Thea has been changing me—for the better. And I love you too, Matt. The change is continuous, nothing that’ll happen in a blink of an eye, but if I want to be the best person that I can be, I have to be with both of you. If possible, forever.” His big exhale is the only sound in the house. “Where are we heading from here?”
Tristan’s words hit me like a thunder in the middle of a hurricane. Is this him accepting himself? Telling me that he’s open to every possibility?
We stay here in silence for a long time. My mind can’t stop thinking about tonight, about her. My parents doubting me. Then offering to help while opening their home to Thea and Tristan. Jacob welcomed him to the family, but Tristan didn’t say a word until now. Did I miss something? It’s only been two weeks, and I don’t know how much he has changed, if he has at all.
“There’s no fucking way I’m heading back to the closet,” I blurt, shifting my body to face him. “But I don’t want to give you up either. Where are we heading? Hopefully to a relationship where the three of us love each other. Yet, whatever happens between the two of you, the two of us, or Thea and me, should be separated from what the three of us have at times.”
“Unless it affects the three,” Tristan adds. I nod. “About being in the closet . . . Can you give me time to continue with my therapy, to accept myself and accept what this means?”
“As long as it doesn’t affect us,” I say, touching the door. “We don’t know much about what she thinks, or if she’ll even agree with what we have to offer.”
“Tomorrow we’ll talk to her.” Tristan tosses his head resting it on the door, closing his eyes. “Sort out what she wants, how fast or how slow we can go. Where is she going to live?”
“Here, we have a third room.” I make a mental note to have an extra set of keys cut for her. “She’ll have her privacy.”
“Matt, I love you, but Thea comes first. Always.”
“Always,” I agree, knowing that she’s already been through a lot and deserves a better life. Love. “We can give it to her, everything she needs. Love, security, protection. But you’re right. Thea will always come before the two of us.”
“You’re not going to like it, but,” he rubs his face, “sex is off the table until she’s ready.”
I lift my hand, placing his chin between my index finger and my thumb, leaning toward him. “How about kissing?” Pressing my mouth against his I give him a slow burning kiss to remind him how good we are together. Telling him how much I’ve missed his taste, and his body, but adding a promise that I’ll wait.
“I missed you,” he whispers, nuzzling my neck. Hugging him closer to me,
we remain outside my door waiting for Thea to let us back in, hoping that when she does, it’ll be forever.
Coming back from that dark place is hard, and I’m thankful no nightmares followed the episode. Yet, the nails pounding my skull as I open my eyes are present. My mouth tastes vile, my throat hurts, and my stomach aches. Shit, I think I’m going to puke again. As I straighten up, the throb behind my eyeballs intensifies along with the pounding in my head, but my stomach settles. Weird.
It’s been a long time since my last nervous breakdown. I feel as if I’ve taken several steps backwards, but instead of leaving the bed, I wait to try to remember everything I did, or said. Nothing important comes to mind, other than my conversation with Pria. She offered to help me if I needed a place to stay, offered me her friendship, and advised me to take my time before I made any rash decisions. That’s the only part I can’t remember: what decisions was I planning to make?
It doesn’t matter; it’s time to face life, Thea.
I finally look at my surroundings. Nothing out of the ordinary. Grey-blue colored walls, dotted with a few black and white framed pictures of landscapes. Dressers with picture frames on top of them. I push myself out of bed and pick up one of the frames. Matt with Jacob and AJ. The next frame has a picture of his family and a pang of jealousy hits me. My brother, Evan, killed himself when he was in college. At twelve, no one bothered to tell me what happened. I only knew that the only person who loved me was gone forever.
Stop, I order myself. You can’t pick the pieces up if you continue digging into what caused you to become that girl you hate. I set the frame back in its place, wishing for two seconds that I had that. A loving mother, a loving father, and my adoring brother.
Uncut (Unexpected Book 4) Page 19
