by Meg Jolie
People meant well, showing their love and their support, with their tator tot hot dishes, tuna casseroles and even the pot of split pea soup…But he’d rather just order a pizza than eat any of that food and be reminded of the reason it was there.
“I don’t want any of it, either,” he said. He had closed the door so neither of them would have to look at it a second longer.
He didn’t want to waste time waiting for a pizza to arrive. Quinn needed to eat sooner rather than later. So, instead, he pulled two bananas out of the fruit bowl, peanut butter out of the cupboard and bread out of the breadbox. He looked at Quinn and forced a smile.
She forced one back. The laugh, really a ghost of a laugh, that escaped her lips sounded heartbreaking and hollow.
“Are you serious?” she asked. She knew exactly what he was doing and it brought back pleasant memories of their childhood.
“You bet,” Luke said.
When they were younger—maybe twelve, thirteen, he couldn’t be sure—Quinn had taught him how to make grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches. It was still one of the very few things he was capable of cooking.
He slathered on the peanut butter. Added sliced bananas and then closed the sandwiches up. He then added a light layer of butter to the outside. He sprinkled cinnamon and sugar on the top and bottom of each sandwich. A silence, as comfortable as a silence could be, under the circumstances, filled the kitchen while he worked.
“I can’t believe you still make those,” she finally said. “I haven’t had one in years.”
“I make them a lot,” he admitted. “When I’m really in the mood to show off my culinary talents, sometimes I drizzle them with chocolate syrup.”
Quinn wrinkled her nose at his confession.
“Hey now, none of that,” he teased. “You can’t make a face like that until you’ve tried it yourself.”
Quinn started to stand. “I should help with something. I can get drinks.”
“No,” Luke said as he stopped what he was doing. He guided her back to her stool. “You need to sit and relax.” She was clearly going to protest so he said, “Please, Quinn? Please just let me do this?” He’d felt so helpless. And even though it was nothing important, just a sandwich, he wanted to do something for her.
She nodded as she sat back down. Silence filled the kitchen. Neither of them had the energy to speak. Neither of them had anything to say. He had to keep fighting the urge to ask her if she was okay. Because of course she wasn’t okay and it was a ridiculous question. Yet, worrying about Quinn was a distraction from what he was really feeling.
They were both emotionally and physically drained.
At least, Quinn thought guiltily, Luke got me away from my mother. Margo was proving to be her own, unique brand of emotionally draining.
She watched Luke as he took out a large skillet and placed it on the stove. While he was waiting for it to heat he pulled out dinner plates for them. Next he poured milk for the both of them. All the while, he checked on the sandwiches. When they were done to a golden brown perfection, he placed one on a plate for Quinn, sprinkled it with powdered sugar, and slid it in front of her.
“Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for always, always taking care of me. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through the day without you.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Luke told her. He wished he could do something, anything to make her feel better. But it was just one of those times in life where nothing but time could do that.
“You’re here for me,” she said. “You’re going through hell. Jake was your brother. And you’re still doing what you always do. You’re taking care of me when you’re hurting, too. So thank you.”
“Quinnie, of course. This is going to be hard,” he scoffed at his word choice. “Actually, it’s going to be hell. It is hell. That’s no secret. But, we’ll get through it. We have to.”
He said the words as he pulled Quinn into a hug. He wasn’t sure he believed them. He was certain by the way she had begun to sob into his chest that she didn’t believe them either.
*~*~*
The funeral and everything it entailed—the never-ending stream of people, the visitation prior, the actual service, the luncheon, the burial…They were all a blur. The days following…were a blur. Quinn barely remembered anything other than emotional pain, tears and heartbreak.
And people murmuring sympathetically. They pitied her, she knew. She hated every second of it. She just wanted it to all be over. Carly had never left her side, shielding her as much as she could. She knew Quinn hated the attention. Carly was sure it wasn’t good for her. It added even more stress. She had done her best to help Quinn in every way that she could. Like Luke, she felt so helpless.
Finally, after the burial, Quinn had some privacy. But not as much as she would’ve liked.
She’d gone to her latest doctor’s appointment, the day following the funeral, alone. She knew that her mom, Carly or even Nora would’ve gladly gone with her. But it didn’t feel right. So she’d gone alone. The doctor, well aware of the recent tragedy had gently scolded her. Somehow, someway, she needed to eat more and rest more.
Not an easy task.
If anything, she was intent on making herself busier. When she was busy, it helped her to keep her mind preoccupied with her task. And to not dwell on her misery. Not that she could stop the thoughts completely but she tried. She tried desperately. Her mom insisted on staying by her side. Quinn was about to lose her mind if she didn’t get her mom to leave soon. Her mother meant well, she always did. Her constant lamenting and sympathizing about Quinn’s loss was only making things worse.
She felt like she couldn’t have a good breakdown with her mother around. She hated to think it, but she knew her mom would somehow manage to turn it around. To make it known how hard it was on her to see her daughter upset. Or she would just stare at her with that overwhelming look of pity on her face. And that, to Quinn, was almost worse than anything.
So finally, one week later, Quinn insisted that her mother go home. Margo had argued at first that Quinn needed her. But Luke and Carly had been there, by her side, supporting her. Margo was clearly outnumbered.
That same afternoon Quinn had found a letter in the mailbox. It was clarifying that the life insurance check would be on the way.
No one should ever get a check this big. Not due to a death, Quinn thought.
While the amount of the life insurance policy seemed obscene at first, the more she thought about it, the more aware she became that she would be using a chunk of it. She planned on paying off a year’s worth of mortgage. There was the bill from the funeral and in a few months, there would be a bill from the hospital. There would still be plenty left but she had finally decided to follow Jake’s wishes and take a year off to spend with their baby. She felt it was the very least she could do. Their little one was going to miss out on having a daddy. She knew that it wouldn’t exactly make up for it, but she had every intention of devoting the first year to their little jellybean.
Margo had insisted on staying through the evening, until after dinner. So Quinn had tucked the envelope away without mentioning it. She didn’t want to discuss it with her mother or anyone else.
It was a tense and tear-filled goodbye. Tear-filled on Margo’s part at least. She was having a hard time peeling herself away from Quinn. Quinn was insistent on holding herself together while her mom was there. She knew if she lost it, her mom might not ever leave.
She desperately needed her to leave.
It was only moments after she watched her mother’s car drive away that the first tear started to fall. She wandered through the now-empty house. Her and Jake’s home. She finally let the absolute, gut-wrenching, heart-shattering reality grip her.
He was never coming back.
He would never hold her again.
He would never see their baby.
Their baby would grow up, never knowing its father.
The misery tore through her
and she cried until she thought she couldn’t cry anymore. Then she put her pajamas on. She went to their bedroom. One they would no longer share and laid down on top of the covers. She tried to relax her mind. She tried to push the thoughts, the realizations away…but they flooded over her again.
Now that she was alone, she had no reason to try to reign in her grief. So she let it out yet again. She lost track of time, sobbing and remembering and hurting in a way that she never knew was possible.
She didn’t hear the front door open as Luke let himself in. She didn’t hear him as he hurried down the hall, worried by the sound of her sobbing.
“It’s just me,” he said as he edged onto the bed. Quinn felt his arms slip around her. “It’s about time you let yourself lose it.”
She didn’t try to respond. She didn’t need to. She just needed to get it all out. She needed to try to release some of the pain. And Luke just let her. He didn’t make her feel guilty like her mom would have inadvertently done. He didn’t beg her to stop because it was heartbreaking to hear. He just let her do what she needed to do.
She had not wanted her mom there. But she had dreaded being alone. She hadn’t slept alone since she couldn’t remember when. Having Luke there was a comfort. Just as it would’ve been if it would’ve been Carly. Because that’s how innocent he kept things. He was there for support. Nothing more than to offer a piece of the friendship they had shared for most of their lives.
“My mom’s right you know,” she finally said. Her tears had finally subsided and she spoke in a barely there, shaky voice.
“I doubt that,” Luke told her. “But what is it that you think she’s right about?”
“I’ve never been on my own before. I either lived at home. Or in the dorm with a roommate. Or with Jake. I’ve never been on my own.”
“Quinn,” he finally, quietly said, “you have to know you’re not alone. You have friends and more importantly you’ve got family. Mom and Dad, me, we’re all your family now, too.”
“I know. I know,” she admitted as she fought back another wave of tears. “But I’ve never lived on my own before. Mom thinks I should move back in with her and Dad.”
Luke was quiet for a few moments. Thinking that over before finally asking, “What do you want?”
She shook her head. She was still facing away from him. Her backside was pressed comfortably to his front. She stared at the wall when she spoke. In some, small way it made it easier. “I really don’t know.”
“Then don’t do anything right now. Just give it some time. I know you Quinn. And I know that you can handle this. Once the baby comes…you’ll figure things out.”
“I’ll have to, won’t I?”
“Yes,” he said as he placed a kiss on the back of her head. “I’m afraid you will. I just think though, that if you were to move back home, you might have a hard time leaving again.”
Quinn let out a bitter laugh. “I think that’s what my mom is counting on.”
“You don’t have to rely on your parents Quinn. I mean, if you really want to move back, I’m not going to say you shouldn’t. But I just don’t want you to feel pressured into it. You’re strong enough to take care of yourself,” Luke gently reminded her.
She was quiet for a while, thinking that over. Coming from Luke, someone who knew her so well…it meant a lot.
“I’m not saying you won’t ever need help,” he admitted. “If you do, you can count on us. Because you? And this little one? They mean everything to me and my family. Because you’re our family now.”
“Thank you,” Quinn whispered. “You always know what to say.” She was quiet for a few more moments. Then she took Luke’s hand. “He’s kicking. Do you want to feel?”
She wasn’t sure if he would want to…Or if it would be too awkward. He answered almost immediately.
“Yeah, I do.”
She slid his hand down, so it was resting directly above the movement. Luke didn’t say anything for a few minutes. He just absorbed what he was feeling.
“Wow. That’s just…wow,” he finally said. A few more minutes passed and he continued to lie there in silence with Quinn, feeling the little one move around. Finally, he realized something. “Wait…Did you just say he’s kicking?”
“It’s a boy,” she whispered. She had just that afternoon managed to look at the folded slip of paper in her purse. “Jake was right all along. We’re going to have a little boy.”
In the morning, Luke was gone. It took her a while to realize he hadn’t gone far. He was sprawled out on the couch, feet hanging over the end, arm flung across his eyes. The too-small-for-him afghan spread across his chest.
Carly had had to go back to school but Luke had decided to stick around. He had decided to move back to Lanford. He wanted to be closer to his family, closer to Quinn and the baby. It didn’t feel right to be so far away under the circumstances.
So he’d go to work, go visit his parents for the evening and then at night, so she wouldn’t be alone, he’d go check on Quinn.
Over the next few weeks, that became their ritual. Knowing Luke would show up eventually made it easier to be there. Day after day, she knew that it was where she wanted to stay. As much as her mom didn’t like it, Quinn knew she wanted to stay in the home that she and Jake had made.
So she could relax, knowing Luke would show up late to check on her. Most of the time, she’d already be sleeping. Her exhaustion was catching up to her. She’d find him on the couch in the morning. But sometimes, she’d be in the middle of a meltdown and he’d scoot across the bed and hold her until she was done. Until she fell asleep. Until she woke up in the morning and found him draped across her couch again.
The exception was a single morning. She awoke to find herself wrapped in Luke’s arms, nestled into his chest. His soft, even breaths floating across her ear. As much as she wanted to tell herself she shouldn’t, she cherished that morning. She had felt so safe, secure, loved. And most important, she hadn’t felt alone.
He apologized when he woke up because he said he hadn’t meant to sleep there. He had drifted off. After that, it didn’t happen again.
20
“I really don’t want to go anywhere,” Quinn told Carly yet again.
“Well, we’re going to,” Carly insisted. She hadn’t been home for a few weeks but decided to come home for the weekend. “You need to get out of the house. It’s only over to the McGrath’s,” she said gently.
She was wondering if perhaps this was a terrible idea. Carly, Lily, Jemma and Nora had all decided that they wanted to do something for Quinn. They wanted to do something that might cheer her up. Possibly make her feel better if only for a little while.
She took out her sister’s sweater and handed it to her. Quinn was moving in slow motion, buttoning each button carefully. It was clear to Carly that she was trying to find an excuse to stay home. Carly kept a worried eye on her as she got ready. She was looking more and more pregnant every time Carly saw her, and yet somehow, she was becoming thinner and thinner. She sighed, not wanting to bring it up because she knew it would be pointless. She was worried all the same.
So she pressed on, hoping to bring her sister just a little bit of comfort and happiness. “We’ll just go for a little drive. We’ll stop in to say hello to Nora and Tom. They told me they miss you and they’d really like to see you. Maybe on the way home we’ll stop for a banana split,” Carly suggested. She waited patiently as Quinn slipped her sandals on.
“I’m not really hungry,” Quinn said.
“Of course you’re not,” Carly said a little too brightly. “But that’s not really the point.”
When Quinn was as ready as she was going to get, Carly looped her arm through her sister’s and led her outside. She opened Quinn’s door for her and tucked her into the passenger seat.
“Is Luke still staying with you?” Carly wondered as she drove.
Carly was the only person she had told. Though she had to assume his parents had figured it out
. He had supposedly moved back home because he had nowhere else to go on such short notice. But he obviously hadn’t been staying there.
“Why are you asking?” Quinn demanded.
Carly took one look at her sister’s face. She returned the narrowed-eyed look with her own look of surprise. “Quinn, no. I’m not implying anything,” she said gently. “I was just wondering. I think it’s a good idea. I don’t like the thought of you out here all alone. Especially not now. I was just wondering. That’s all.”
Quinn felt herself relax. “Yes, he’s still staying. And yes, he still spends every night on the couch. He had a security system installed though. Because it’s not like he can just stay there and sleep on the couch forever.” She frowned slightly. It was a comfort to have him there. A comfort that she had gotten used to. She wasn’t sure how long he planned on continuing the arrangement. Sleeping on the couch was anything but comfortable for him. But he never complained. She had offered to switch him places. To let him sleep in the bedroom insisting that she would fit better on the couch. He had been more than a little offended by the offer.
No way was he going to let a very pregnant Quinn give up her bed for him.
Carly nodded. She didn’t dare point out that if it were up to Luke, he just might not mind sleeping on the couch forever. He’d always been protective of Quinn. Now, more than ever, he needed to feel useful. Like he was doing something for her. Like everyone else, he just wanted to make things easier for her.
They had just turned onto the McGrath’s street. Quinn instantly spotted the suspicious number of cars. An oddly high amount of them looked familiar.
“Carly…?” she asked. A groan was evident in her tone. “What did you do? What’s going on?” Her eyes darted up and down the street. She felt her heart slam in her chest. She wasn’t ready for a crowd. A slightly sick feeling hit her.
Carly was immediately worried by the slight sound of panic in Quinn’s tone. She knew her sister wouldn’t be excited about the idea of a baby shower. She just hoped that she didn’t end up hating her for it.
