I hated Levi Reed.
Hated him.
I opened the door to my room, fuming.
Jill looked up. She was sitting on the floor of the dorm room with a pair of scissors in her hands. There were ribbons of fabric all around her.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” she said. She snatched up a t-shirt from a pile next to her and began to slice into it with the scissors.
“Are you, um, doing a project?”
“No,” she said. “Parker broke up with me. So I’m destroying everything that reminds me of him.”
“Oh,” I said.
She held up the t-shirt. “This is the shirt I was wearing the first time we kissed.” She made another long snip.
“Well,” I said. “That’s one way to deal with it, I guess.”
“Hell yeah, it is.”
“Did he, um, say why?”
“No,” she said. “Sort of. I don’t know. He said he couldn’t be in a relationship so soon after what happened to Cori. Or something lame like that. I mean, it’s not like we couldn’t comfort each other. But no. He doesn’t want that. He wants to wallow all by himself.” She flung the cut-up shirt on the floor. “Guys suck.”
“You’re telling me.”
“You having guy issues?”
“Levi kissed me.”
“Really?”
I nodded. “Yeah. And then he kicked me out of his apartment and said we shouldn’t see each other anymore, because he’s too old for me.”
“What? How old is he, anyway? Twenty-one? Twenty-two?”
“He didn’t tell me. He’s just weird and stupid.” I folded my arms over my chest. “I wish I had shirts that reminded me of him. I’d cut them up too.”
“Well, I only have one pair of scissors,” Jill said, “or I’d let you help me cut these up.”
“I have scissors.”
“Cool. Get them. We’ll ruin my entire wardrobe. And then we’ll feel better.”
I nodded. “Hell yeah, we will.”
* * *
I looked around the smoky room in the house we were hanging out in.
“Looking for Levi?” Jill asked.
“No,” I said. “I don’t want to see him.” Maybe that was a lie. It had been four days since Levi had kicked me out of his apartment, and he wouldn’t answer his phone when I tried to call him.
I was starting to get worried. I only had a little more than a week until I had to meet Professor X and give him Cori’s money. Levi was supposed to help me out by coming up with the money. Was he backing out on me? If so, that was such a dick move. And it also meant that I needed to somehow come up with four thousand dollars. I didn’t know how I was going to do that.
I probably should just call my dad and tell him everything. Let him take care of it, like he took care of everything.
But I hadn’t done that yet. In fact, I hadn’t tried to fix my situation at all in the past few days. I think I was in denial about the whole thing. I figured if I ignored the problem, it would go away.
“Sure you don’t,” said Jill. “That’s why you keep calling him.”
“I’m calling him about other stuff. We had an arrangement, and it looks like he’s backing out on the whole thing.”
“I get it,” said Jill. “I kind of want to see Parker too.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, part of me keeps hoping that he’ll show up and be like, ‘It was all a big mistake. I miss you so much.’ And then we’ll get back together, and everything will be perfect. It could happen, you know.”
I nodded. “It could happen.”
She sighed. “Probably more likely for you and Levi.”
“No way,” I said. “There wasn’t anything going on between me and Levi. You and Parker were actually together.”
“Yeah, but you and Levi have all this unresolved sexual tension.”
“Whatever,” I said. “He clearly doesn’t.”
“He’s an idiot.”
“So is Parker.”
“Stupid guys.”
“They suck.”
We both glared into space.
Jill leaned up against the wall. “Man, I really thought there was going to be somebody with X at this party.”
“It’s okay.” I lifted my beer. “We’ve got beer.”
Jill grimaced at hers. “I hate beer.”
I took a swig. “Yeah, ecstasy’s definitely better. But if there’s no one selling it, we can’t do anything about it.” I held my drink out to her. “Hey, would you mind watching this for a minute? I’m going to the bathroom.”
She took it. “See, that’s another reason beer sucks. It makes you piss like a racehorse.”
I laughed.
The bathroom was down the hall, away from the living room. There was a line of people there, and so I had to stand, waiting, for about ten minutes.
Finally, I got in, did my business, and left.
When I was coming out of the bathroom, I saw Wyatt standing outside in the hallway. I caught his eye, and he caught mine, and we were staring at each other.
I wanted to look away and pretend like I hadn’t seen him, but it was too late for that.
So, I did my best to smile and said, “Hi Wyatt.”
He smiled back. “Hi.”
It was awkward. It was funny, because it wasn’t that long ago that Wyatt was rejecting me and breaking my heart. And now, I was in the same situation with Levi.
It wasn’t normal, was it? Girls weren’t supposed to move from one guy to the next so quickly. I was turning into some kind of a slut.
Maybe it was the influence of Cori. Even though she was dead, I was behaving more like her every day.
I sighed. I started to walk past Wyatt.
Then I stopped. “Um, Wyatt?”
He raised his eyebrows. “What?”
“Just, um, wondering if you knew of anyone who had some E, that’s all. Jill and I have been looking around all night, but no joy.”
“Oh,” he said.
What, did he think I was going to profess my undying love for him or something? Yeah, right.
He shrugged. “I’m looking too. Sorry. I haven’t found any yet.”
I nodded. “Well, if you do, let us know.”
“Right,” he said. “Same with you guys.”
“Sure.” I started to walk again.
“Hey, Molly, hold up.”
I turned around.
Wyatt scratched the back of his head. “Look, the last time we talked, you said a bunch of shit about Cori.”
“So?”
“Well, you made it sound like you thought that I hurt her or something.”
“I didn’t mean to make it sound—”
“You were practically accusing me of murdering her.”
“I don’t think I was,” I said. “I was only asking questions.”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t think I really appreciate you asking those kinds of questions.” He stepped closer to me, gripping my shoulder. “I didn’t hurt Cori. I don’t want you saying shit like that about me.”
“I’m not saying anything, Wyatt.” I didn’t like how close he was. “Let go of me, okay?”
“I think you should apologize.”
“I think you should let me go,” I said.
He tightened his grip.
I was starting to feel a little freaked out. “Wyatt, let me go.”
He did. “Whatever.” He backed away from me. “You know what? Find your own ecstasy.”
I hurried up the hall to find Jill.
“Wyatt needs to stop being an ass,” I said to her.
She was beaming. “Forget about Wyatt.” She held up her palm. There were two capsules sitting there.
“Oh my god, you got some,” I said. “How’d you do it?”
She smiled. “Just got lucky. Open your mouth.”
I did.
She placed the capsule on my tongue.
* * *
It was nearly four in the morning,
and the ecstasy was starting to wear off. I was feeling tired. I pushed through the dancing bodies surrounding me to look for Jill. She’d been with me just a few minutes ago.
I spotted her on a couch with some guy named Gavin. We’d met him a few hours earlier. He was a senior, an economics major. He was really into Jill. They were both grinning at each other like idiots.
Jill looked up and saw me. She bounded to her feet. “Hey, Molly.”
“Hey,” I said.
She hurried over to me. “So, um, I think I’m going to go back to Gavin’s apartment. Are you okay with that? You can walk back to the dorm, right?”
“I’m okay with that,” I said. “But are you sure you want to go be alone with that guy? You just met him.”
“He’s awesome, though, don’t you think?”
“I thought you were still wishing to get Parker back.”
“Gavin makes me not think about Parker.”
“If you’re sure,” I said.
“I’m positive.”
I hugged her. “Have fun. Be safe.”
She kissed me on the cheek. “I love you, Molly.”
“I love you too.” I let her go, and she skipped back over to Gavin.
I watched the two of them together for a little bit, feeling tired and cranky. The beginning of an ecstasy comedown sucked. But the middle was worse, so I tried to hold onto to what little thread of good feeling I had left.
I tried to dance, but I didn’t quite have the energy anymore.
Instead, I went outside on the back porch where people were smoking. I was hoping someone would have a joint. A little weed usually made the comedown easier to take.
But I didn’t smell it. All I smelled were cigarettes.
I decided to try to bum one, so I asked the first person I saw if they had a cigarette.
“Sorry. I bummed this one.”
“Levi?” I said, squinting.
“Hi, Molly.” He was wearing a big hood, which was why I hadn’t recognized him right away. He had a forty ounce of something in one hand.
I peered closer at him, looking to see how badly hurt he still looked. He was healing, but he wasn’t perfect yet. “How’s your face?”
He laughed. “It’s mending.” He cocked his head. “You rolling?”
“It’s wearing off,” I said.
“You need to be careful doing that so often,” he said.
“I’m fine.” I folded my arms over my chest. “You haven’t been returning my calls.”
“Because I meant it when I said we shouldn’t hang out all the time.”
“Why?”
He sighed. “Just better that way. Trust me.”
“I don’t get you, Levi.”
“You don’t have to.”
“This means it’s all off, then? You don’t want me to help you meet Professor X? You aren’t going to help me with the money?”
“I still want to meet the cook, sure,” he said. “And I can help you out. But I don’t see why that means we have to play Trixie Belden in the meantime.”
“Who?” I said.
“Look, we’re not detectives. We can’t figure out who murdered Cori. We need to let that alone.”
“Maybe I wasn’t calling about that,” I said. “Maybe I was calling because you kissed me.”
He took a long drag on the cigarette. He didn’t look at me. “That was a mistake.”
“Why?”
He shook his head.
“You know what?” I said. “Fuck you, Levi Reed.”
He flinched a little. But then he said, “If that’s the way it’s got to be, Molly, then that’s the way it’s got to be.”
God, he made me so angry. There was no reason for him to be acting the way he was acting. “You know, if you don’t have feelings for me, and the kiss didn’t mean anything, then just say so. There’s no reason to avoid talking to me like we’re in middle school or something.”
His gaze darted up to meet mine. “If we’re not going to be trying to find out who killed Cori together, then there’s not really a reason to talk on the phone, is there?” Then he looked away again.
“I’m a big girl, Levi. I can handle it. Tell me that you’re not into me. It’s fine.”
He shook his head. “It’s complicated, Molly.”
“Why?”
He tossed the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it. “Just is.” Then he walked off, into the darkness of the early morning.
CHATPTER SIXTEEN
Jill was lying face down on her bed, her face buried in her pillow. She was groaning.
I was struggling into my coat, still wearing my pajamas. “Come on, Jill, we’re going to miss lunch at the dining hall if we don’t get up and go now.” The dining hall served only two meals on the weekends: brunch and dinner. Brunch ended at two o’clock, and it was 1:30.
“I can’t move.” Her voice was muffled.
“I moved my car down,” I said. No one checked parking passes on the weekend, meaning that freshman could park where they liked, even behind the dorm if they needed to. “All you have to do is make it down to the parking lot.”
She lifted her head. “You moved your car?”
I nodded.
“Oh, you are a saint, Molly. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”
I laughed a little, but it wasn’t easy. I felt like death warmed over. Between the ecstasy comedown and Levi being an ass, I wasn’t having the best day ever. In fact, I’d spent the hour that I’d been awake contemplating how pointless everything was.
Levi was right. There was no reason to try to find Cori’s murderer. I wasn’t a detective. I couldn’t do anything even if I did figure it out. There was no reason to bother. I was going to give up on all of it.
Hell, I felt like giving up in general. It was Sunday, and I still had some reading to catch up on for classes tomorrow, but I didn’t think I was going to get to it. What was the point?
Jill crawled out of bed. She handed me the bottle of 5 HTP. “Here. Better take some.”
I obliged her, but I didn’t really care very much if I got more serotonin or not.
She shook out three pills into her palm and then popped them into her mouth to dry swallow.
“You’re taking that many?”
“I feel like dog poop,” she said. “I feel so bad, I don’t even want to say the word ‘shit.’”
I grabbed the bottle from her. I took two more of the pills. “You think this stuff even works?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I know we’ve been rolling too often. This is the way I always get when I do it too much.” She made a face, reaching for her coat. “Let’s go to the dining hall.”
I opened the door.
Together, Jill and I shuffled down the steps and out to the parking lot. When people passed us, they quickly looked away. We didn’t look so good.
Idly, I contemplated the fact that just a year ago, I would never have been caught dead going out like this in public. As a high school senior, I would have made sure to shower and blow dry my hair and apply makeup. It was an hour-long process. Now, as a college freshman, I saw nothing wrong with going to the dining hall in my pajamas at 1:30 in the afternoon. I’d pulled my hair into a sloppy ponytail on top of my head, but that was as far as I’d gone in my attempt to groom myself.
I felt as if my eyes had been opened this year. Now that I was older, I was wiser. And now I knew that it simply didn’t matter how I looked.
Or… at least it didn’t matter as much as I thought it had.
Well, maybe, it was only that everyone else went to the dining hall in their pajamas on weekends too.
Anyway, the point was that I was freer now.
Not that it made any difference in the grand scheme of things.
Because, as I’d just realized when I woke up this morning, life was pointless.
Jill and I both opted for the breakfast option instead of the lunch option. We sat together in the corner of the dining hall, sun stre
aming through the window, and we poured maple syrup all over our French toast and sausage.
“You like syrup on your sausage too?” Jill asked me.
“Absolutely,” I said. “It’s the best.” But it didn’t taste as good as it usually did that morning. Even the sun didn’t seem nearly as bright. I wanted to go back to bed. As soon as I got some food in my stomach, I was doing that.
Jill and I didn’t talk much. There was no sound except the two of us chewing, of our utensils scraping against each other and against our trays.
Jill drank some orange juice. “I hope the 5 HTP kicks in soon.”
“I don’t even think that shit does anything,” I said.
“Of course it does,” she said.
I rolled my eyes.
She set down her fork. “Hey, Molly, have ever you done something on accident—something that you didn’t mean to do—and it’s like really fucked everything up?”
I raised my eyebrows. She was describing what had happened to Heidi. How could she know about that? “Um… what do you mean?”
“Like, you fucked up, but you didn’t mean to.”
She couldn’t mean the thing with Heidi. She didn’t know about it. No one here did. I forced myself to smile. “You talking about going to Gavin’s place last night? What time did you get home anyway?”
She drank more juice. She shook her head.
“What?” I said.
She looked at me, and then looked away. “Yeah, it’s Gavin, all right. He couldn’t rid of me fast enough after we had sex. What an effing jerk.”
“He had sex with you and then kicked you out?”
She shrugged. “Pretty much.”
I narrowed my eyes. “He is a jerk.”
“I should have listened to you,” she said. “I should have known that any guy that made me forget Parker was too good to be true.”
“Well, we were fucked up, too,” I said. “Trust me, I know how easy it is, when you’re rolling, to think a guy is more into you than he actually is.”
She stuck out her lower lip. “Stupid guys.”
I speared a piece of sausage. “Stupid guys,” I agreed.
* * *
I did start to feel a little bit better when the three pills of 5 HTP kicked in.
Of course, the feeling was short lived, because—almost immediately—my heart began pounding away in my chest like it was the entire percussion section of a big marching band. It was scary, and it kind of hurt a little bit.
Frenzy Page 14
