“Gran, you know that none of this is your fault. You make me strong and having you in my life gives me the courage and the confidence that I need to think about the day when I’ll leave all of this behind.”
She doesn’t get a chance to respond because mum walks into the living room whilst balancing the tea tray in her arms. She’d rather struggle by herself than ask anybody for help. I jump up from my position on the floor and take the tray from her.
We all sit and drink our tea in silence. The atmosphere changed as soon as mum entered the room and I hope she didn’t realise that our conversation stopped as soon as she joined us.
I wonder if mum ever used to sit by gran like this when she was little. I’m curious to know what she was like as a teenager. Was she outgoing or shy? Was she smart or has she always been timid? I rarely get time alone with gran and that’s why I’ve never had much of a chance to ask her these questions about my mum.
I used to spend more time here; I slept over at least once a month when I was a little girl. She used to tell me stories about her childhood; she told me how she first met my grandfather who died before I was born and I often wish that I’d been able to meet him.
As soon as I reached my teenage years my father put a stop to my staying over. His dislike for my gran only increased when he realised how close we were but nothing he said ever turned me against her and it never will.
The sound of the telephone breaks the awkwardness in our silence. I’m about to get up and answer it but mum beats me to it. The phone’s in the hall so we can’t hear who what she’s saying but she returns a few moments later.
“Bethany, that was your father. He wants you to make your way over to the bookstore.”
“Why? I don’t work on Saturday’s.” I complain.
“I don’t know why, he didn’t explain anything to me he just said that he wants you there in ten minutes.”
I feel so afraid all of a sudden. I have no idea why he wants me to go there and I start to worry that I’ve done something wrong. He’s never summoned me like this before and I’d give anything to avoid making my way over there to find out what he wants.
Gran sighs, looking at me pointedly. I know what that look means, she’s telling me to go. We both know that if I don’t mum will be the one to suffer.
“Fine, I’ll go.” I say angrily, standing up.
“I’ll see you next week, sweetheart.” Gran says. She takes hold of my hand and squeezes it tightly; it’s her way of reassuring me that everything’s going to be ok.
“Bye, Gran. I love you.” I lean down and kiss her on the forehead.
“Take care of your mum.” She whispers into my ear.
“Always.” I whisper.
I smile at mum as I leave; we haven’t embraced one another for a long time. I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable and whenever I used to hug her it was like I was embracing a statue. She never held me tightly like gran does.
It’s a fifteen minute walk to the bookstore and mum said he expects me to be there in ten minutes so I better hurry up. My resentment for him only increases with every step I take. I round the final corner and come to a standstill, I can see the bookstore in the distance and know that it’s now the time to bury every negative feeling that I have for him. I can’t ever allow the hatred I have for him to show. If I want to survive I have to conceal my true emotions for him. It helps to pretend that I’m wearing a mask, something that will protect me and keep me safe from him. The trouble with that is I can’t let that mask slip, not even for a second. It’s a constant battle, one that I’ve had to live with for a long time.
The second I open the shop door the awful smell hits me. It’s a scent I’ve come to associate with him. Dust and the smell of second hand books has always made me feel nauseas.
“Bethany, there you are. What took you so long?” He surprises me when he makes his way out of the back room. That’s why I didn’t see him when I first came in.
“I came as soon as I could.” I reply meekly.
“Well, thanks for coming.”
“Is everything ok?” I ask, wanting to get this over and done with.
“Of course it is, why?”
“You don’t normally want me here on a Saturday. I thought something was wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong, Angel. I’ve just arranged for Ted to stop by, he’s bringing the photos I was telling you about. I know how badly you want to see them.”
“Of course.” I lie, forcing an optimistic expression on my face.
“Whilst we’re waiting can you clear that bookshelf over there and give it a quick polish? Your mother was supposed to do it last week but she’s made an awful mess of it. You can’t even tell it’s been done.”
“No problem.” I turn my back on him so he’s unable to see the anger that will no doubt be painted all over my face after hearing his cruel and disparaging comments about her.
I make my way over to the bookshelf and start unloading the heavy books like he asked. I begin to wonder why he didn’t just bring the photos home with him last night when he visited Ted’s house. That’s where he said he was going when I overheard him arguing with mum.
A few minutes later the bell over the shop door jingles announcing an entrance. I turn and see a smartly dressed middle aged man walk in. He has greyish hair and a friendly disposition. I can tell that he has money or a job with status because of my father’s keen interest in him.
“Ted, it’s good to see you! Thanks so much for stopping by, I really appreciate it. This is my daughter Bethany.”
“Hello, it’s lovely to meet you at last.” Ted offers me his hand to shake and I do so, not wanting to seem impolite.
“Same to you.” I reply curtly, turning my back on him to get on with my task. I don’t want to seem rude but I’m not exactly thrilled to meet the man who’s made it possible for this holiday to happen.
“Here are the photos for you, Arthur. I’m actually on my way into town so I can’t stop but if you want any more information just give me a call.”
“Thanks so much, I really appreciate this, Ted. I’ve told my daughter all about the site and neither of us can wait.”
I turn around to face them both and nod my head in agreement, hating every second.
“It’s not a problem, I’ll see you later and it was nice to meet you, Bethany.” Ted smiles at me again before leaving the store.
“Bethany, stop what you’re doing for a moment and come and take a look.”
I paste another deceptive look of interest on my face before joining him to glance at the photos I’d rather set on fire than look at. He shows me every single one and by the end of them I have to admit that the static caravan looks lovely. It’s more like a small house than a caravan and if I were going with anyone else then I’d be excited and looking forward to it. The only thing is that I’m going with the only person I hate in this entire world and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Friday night comes around again and mum and I have the house to ourselves for a few hours. He’s already been home from work, had his tea and gone out. It used to drive me crazy not knowing where he went on Friday evenings but I’ve now reached the point where I no longer care. It’s nice to have some free time away from him so I choose not to ask questions.
I’m in the middle of watching an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S when I hear mum exclaim loudly from the kitchen.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, rushing into the kitchen.
“We’ve ran out of milk!” She’s standing in front of the fridge with a look of despair on her face as though she’s just received the most terrible news.
“Is that all? I thought something was wrong.” I turn to walk back into the living room but she stops me by placing her hand around my wrist.
“Bethany, what will your father say? I can’t believe I’ve been so careless! It’s Saturday tomorrow and I won’t have another chance to go out and get some. He’ll be furious with me. What am I going to do?” Her eyes are fi
lling up with tears and my heart aches when I hear the desperation in her voice.
“Mum, it’s alright. The shops will be open in the morning, we can get some then.”
“He can’t know. He’ll be furious with me for being so forgetful. Why am I so stupid?” She wails frantically.
“Mum, look at me. You are not stupid.” I place my hands on her shoulders, trying to pull her out of her state of panic.
“I am. How could I let this happen? I’m always so careful.”
“Listen, calm down. I’ll go out now and get some now, he’ll never know.”
She stares at me with an incredulous look on her face, as though she can’t quite comprehend what I’m suggesting.
“No, I can’t allow you to do that. It’s dark; you can’t go out by yourself.”
“It’s only eight o’clock. I’ll be fifteen minutes at the most.”
“If he found out that I’d let you go out by yourself…”
“He’ll never know and he won’t be home until late. He’s rarely home before eleven o’clock on a Friday.”
I go back into the living room, putting on my shoes on and grabbing my jacket as she continues to stare at me in astonishment.
“Are you sure about this?”
“Yes! I’ll be back before you know it.”
She suddenly springs into action and darts about the sitting room looking for some money to give me. Before I leave I grab my iPod and reassure her once again that I won’t be long.
When I step out into the crisp night air I feel a wonderful sense of freedom which is pretty ridiculous because I’m only going up the road to the corner shop. I told mum that I’d be quick but I never get the opportunity to be out like this by myself and so I decide to slow down my pace and enjoy the autumn evening.
There’s not a cloud in the sky allowing all the stars above me to sparkle bright. For some reason I have the most peculiar feeling that tonight is special somehow. I feel like I have a reason to be happy, carefree and glad. It just goes to show how positive a break from my house can be.
I plug in my iPod in and scroll through all my songs, deciding on ‘I Giorni’ by Ludovico Einaudi. This piece frequently brings me to tears; it’s so peaceful and calming. It took my breath away the first time I heard it. My unfortunate circumstances seem more bearable when I listen to music like this, it gives me faith. I’m once again able to believe in happiness, forgiveness and love.
After purchasing the milk I slowly start to make my way home. It’s such a beautiful evening; a part of me would like it to last forever. The stars continue to shine above me, once again reminding me that tonight is special. There’s almost an ethereal glow coming from the sky and it forces me to remember the conversation I had with gran last week.
She told me that I have to find my own happiness and that I have to find my own way by chasing after whatever will bring me joy. I gaze up at the sky above me and start to wonder about what my life has in store for me. Surely there must be more than this.
I’m not ready to go home yet. I know I should feel guilty about my mum, I realise that she’ll be worrying about me but I just feel like I can’t go home yet. Something gravitational and something too powerful to ignore is keeping me here and I decide not to ignore that remarkable feeling.
I play the Einaudi track once again and decide to sit down for a while to collect my thoughts. I cautiously sit down on the pavement, realising that I probably won’t ever get this opportunity again. I’ll never be able to be out by myself on a beautiful night like this which makes me want to savour every moment.
I haven’t always been alone like this. When I was at school I had a friend, her name was Amy and she was a nice girl but as soon as she found out what a control freak my father really was she seemed to give up on continuing our friendship. I think she got tired of the strict regulations I always had to adhere to. My father never liked her and that pretty much put an end to our friendship. She still remained pleasant with me at school but I knew it wouldn’t go any further than that.
After I left school I went onto college to start my A levels and that’s where I met Callum. We shared one of our classes and were sat next to one another; we quickly became friends and spent most of our free time at college together.
There was one time when my father decided to surprise me and meet me after college. He saw me talking with Callum and that was it, I was taken out of college and my social life pretty much ended there. I begged him to change his mind but he refused, he argued that boys like Callum only wanted one thing from me and that it would be safer if I stayed at home where he could keep an eye on me. That’s when he decided to give me a job in the bookstore and that’s how things have been for the last two years. I still miss Callum and I often wish that I’d been able to say goodbye to him.
I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the sadness that accompanies my memories and an uncontrollable amount of tears start to fall down my face. I feel so helpless and weak. It’s as though I’m trapped by the situation of my own life, I can’t make things any better for mum and I no longer see any way out for us. There’s no escape and to dream about a future where there is one is just ridiculous. I’ll be controlled by him for the rest of my life, that’s just the way it is.
I angrily wipe away my tears, furious with myself for being so weak. I’m just about to stand up and head home when I’m startled by a sharp pain in the middle of my back, it felt like a kick. With my hands in my pockets I have no means of preventing myself from falling face first into the road. My iPod clatters to the ground causing my earphones to painfully be yanked out of my ears.
“Fuck! What the hell?” I hear someone exclaim angrily.
I look up to see an incredibly handsome guy stumbling forwards, he manages to stop himself but the two carrier bags that he was holding fall to the ground and his groceries spill out all over the pavement.
“I’m really sorry.” I say hastily, not wanting to provoke his anger anymore than I already have done.
“No, I’m so sorry! I didn’t even see you there. Are you ok?” He apologises.
I remain still, kneeling down at the side of the road. This is really, really embarrassing. Here I am sprawled out on the ground before this incredibly attractive guy who continues to gaze down at me as though his own life depends on me being alright. He’s so good looking; he’s actually what I would call beautiful. I’m immediately left feeling inferior just being in his presence.
I must seem so clumsy, I feel like an absolute idiot. I know he was the one to trip over me but I can hardly blame him, it’s not like he’d be expecting somebody to be sitting alone in the dark at the side of the road.
“It’s ok.” I reply noncommittally, as though it’s not a big deal.
“I really am sorry. I tripped right over you and that must have hurt. I honestly had no idea that anyone was sitting there and I think I fell into you pretty hard, are you sure you’re ok?” He crouches down so that he’s right in front of me and I can see that his dark brown eyes are full of concern. I gasp when he offers me his hand to help me up. I thought he’d be furious with me but he’s actually being really kind.
He has the most exquisite eyes I’ve ever seen. So caring and beautiful, they’re hypnotising. He has olive skin and jet black hair; his eyelashes are ones that any woman would be jealous of. His complexion is really dark and I realise that his skin tone is a complete contrast to my own, which seems to make him even more attractive to me.
“Like I said, don’t worry about it.” I say dismissively, refusing to accept his hand as I help myself up. I don’t mean to be rude to him but I’ve never been around someone who looks like him and I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable with all of the attention he’s focusing on me.
“I’m such an idiot! I really am sorry. I wasn’t even looking where I was going, I could have really hurt you. You sure you’re alright? I can’t believe I knocked you to the ground like that.”
“I’m fine, just a bit sore.”
&nb
sp; “God, now I feel really terrible. How can I make this better? Do you want me to call anyone for you? Is there anyone who can pick you up? You really shouldn’t be out this late by yourself.”
“Excuse me, I’m not a child and it’s not even late, you sound just like my mum.” I say, snapping at him intentionally.
“Well, maybe you should listen to your mum.” He smiles down at me and I wonder why his eyes light up when he looks at me.
I suddenly notice how tall he is now that I’m on my feet again. He must be over six foot and compared to my tiny five feet two inches, that’s pretty big.
He looks down at me as though he’s nervous and I avert my gaze from his, wondering why he has a look of amusement on his face.
“You don’t know her.” I mumble quietly, referring to my mum.
“You’re right, I don’t. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t keep apologising. I was the one sitting in the dark; you were only walking by.”
“But still…”
“But nothing, I’m fine.” I say harshly.
I don’t know why I’m being such a bitch to him but now that I’ve started it’s difficult to stop.
“Wait a minute; you didn’t hear me coming because you were listening to music. Did you drop your iPod?”
I spin around as my eyes scan the area beneath us. I suddenly spot it lying face down on the roadside, it’s a little more scratched up than it was before and I bend down to reach it, desperately hoping that it still works.
“It seems to be ok.” I say thankfully after I check it.
“Are you sure? I’m going to feel guilty about this for ages. I’m a first class idiot, a fool and anything else you can think of which matches those descriptions.”
He kneels down besides me and holds his hand out for me to give him my iPod. I hesitate, wondering if his intention all along has been to steal from me.
“I told you that it’s working.”
“Well, let me just make sure.” He winks at me flirtatiously, causing me to bow my head as I try to conceal my self-consciousness from him.
Always & Forever Page 3
