So to hear my mum defending Sarah is the last thing I want to hear right now. I suppose I can’t really blame her, the similarities between the two of them is overwhelming. I realised a long time ago that Sarah is just a younger version of my mum and the realisation of this still terrifies me beyond belief.
“You know she did more than just make one mistake and you’re delusional if you think I would ever get back together with her!” I yell, hating myself for revealing my anger, it’s what she feeds on. My destruction and misery is equivalent to her food.
“She told me that you’ve met somebody else. If that’s true don’t even think about bringing the little tramp around here because she won’t be welcome.” She snarls spitefully.
Her words are foolish, it’s like she’s just poured salt onto a very painful wound. I glare down at her, projecting all of my venom and hatred into her eyes. She’s not much taller than Bethany and I easily tower over her, she shrinks back as though she’s afraid, causing me to feel an odd sense of satisfaction and victory.
“You don’t need to worry about me bringing her here, that’s never going to happen. She’s far too good for this place; she’s above every single one of you.” I snap, purposefully looking her up and down with distaste.
After everything she’s done to me over the years, I still used to hope that one day we would be able to reconcile our differences. She’s my mum and I love her but I won’t allow her to talk about Bethany that way.
Her mouth falls open in shock her face turns pale. I’ve never spoken to her like this before and I’m sure it’s taken her by surprise. I’ll probably beat myself up about it later but right now I’m far too angry to be apologetic. Before she can say another word, I barge right past her and run the stairs. I slam my bedroom door shut and tear off my wet clothes, tossing them to the side before reaching for my phone.
I try calling her again but it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t even know if she’s managed to charge her phone yet, does she know that I’m trying to call her? I gave her more money to top up her phone’s credit but I start to wonder if she managed to figure it out. I have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’ve just lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
I try calling her over the next hour but eventually admit defeat and decide to take a shower. I close my eyes, standing directly underneath the water, enjoying the feeling of its warmth cascading over me. I drag my fingers through my hair, wishing it was hers. God, I’d give anything to have her here with me now. I can’t help but wonder if she would have agreed to come back with me, if only she hadn’t asked me that damn question. She could have been sleeping in my arms; I could have woke up tomorrow morning to find her warm, fragile body pressed against mine. The thought of it makes me hard and I growl in frustration, violently shutting off the shower and grabbing a towel.
Before Bethany I wouldn’t have felt frustration like this, I would have found somebody to relieve me of all this tension. Of course the idea of that now turns my stomach. The only person I want to pleasure me is her. I ache for her so badly, it hurts. It really fucking hurts.
By the time I’m back in my bedroom I’ve come to a decision. If she hasn’t replied to me by tomorrow morning then I’m going to go ahead with my plan. I know she’s not going to like it but I have no other choice. She won’t be able to ignore me if I’m standing right in front of her. She’ll have to talk to me; she’ll have to hear me out. The only problem now is… I have to find her.
Chapter Fourteen.
Bethany
I wake up and feel awful. I’m so ashamed of myself for my behaviour last night and the way that I treated Jake. The things I said to him were unforgivable. I cover my face with my hands feeling utterly mortified at my behaviour from the night before. I consider going back to sleep but then I remember the dreams I had last night of Jake, all of them involved seeing him with other women and I don’t think I can take any more distressing nightmares. The most excruciating of them all was the one I had where he was surrounded by five women. They were all over him, kissing him, stroking him and dancing on his lap and he did little to discourage them. I was powerless to stop it and the fury that I felt watching it happen was sickening.
God, I need to get a grip. He’ll never want to speak to me again and I need to start getting used to the idea. I can’t believe I actually ran away from him when all he was trying to do was explain things to me. I didn’t even give him a chance to talk and he was still pleading with me to come back when I was running in the opposite direction. I am the world’s biggest fool…
I suppose that’s why I haven’t touched my phone since I got home last night. I won’t be able to handle Jake telling me that he never wants to see me again. I’d rather remember the good times and when I’m strong enough, I’ll be brave and face whatever Jake has to say to me. Maybe then I’ll be able to deal with him ending things between us. Every time I close my eyes I see his face. I relive the pain I saw in his eyes and the sound of his voice when he was begging me not to leave him. I remember him telling me that he loved me and the fact that I didn’t even acknowledge the beauty of his words.
I start crying again but it only makes me feel more pathetic. I’m the one that caused this and therefore I should be the one that’s suffering now. I’ve never been more ashamed or disgusted with myself and the worst part is I don’t even know why I acted the way I did. I’ve thrown away the best thing that’s ever happened to me and the knowledge of that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I admit that hearing he lost his virginity when he was only thirteen years old was horrifying but he could have lied to me. He could have kept the truth from me but he was brave enough to be honest with me and all I did was throw it back in his face. I wonder where he went after I left, did he go home or did he go someplace else? The images in my mind are relentless; my imagination keeps picturing him being intimate with other women. I forcefully shake my head, trying to rid myself of the torturous scenarios that my mind keeps taunting me with. I know there will be plenty of women who will happily take my place, women that won’t judge Jake because they won’t actually care about him at all, women who have plenty experience and no opinions about the type of person he was or who he should be because they won’t care. I suppose my main issue was that I cared too much.
As soon as I get up mum informs me that I have to work in the bookstore today. I normally don’t work on Saturdays but I decide not to question my father’s decision. It will only make things worse. He’s already at the bookstore so I really need to hurry up and get ready. The tension between us has been unbearable since the day he found out that I was going to lie to him to protect mum. I used to think that his love for me was unbearable but his hostility is even worse.
As I’m getting ready I find the number that Callum gave me last night. I’d removed it from my pocket before giving mum my clothes to wash and shoved it inside one of my drawers. I was so consumed by thoughts of Jake that I’d forgotten all about it. I’m still not sure what I should do with it, I decide to not deal with it right now and shove it back inside my drawer. I know how determined Jake was when he begged me not to contact Callum. It hurt me to know that he didn’t trust me but I could also see where he was coming from. I’d hate for him to be involved with someone else, even if he told me that she was just a friend. A single tear falls down my cheek; I hastily wipe it away and make my way downstairs. I can’t think about this anymore, I have to go to work.
I exchange a few polite words with mum, I can tell that she’s desperate to ask me about what happened last night but I need to get to the bookstore as soon as possible and don’t have time to explain anything to her. Mumbling a quick goodbye, I throw on my jacket and slam the front door. The weather is freezing this morning but it’s no longer raining, the puddles from last night’s downpour are a painful reminder of what happened. They enable me to feel Jake’s presence all around me, he consumes my every thought and I can’t help but wonder what he’s doing right n
ow. I wonder if he’s thinking of me and regretting how things ended between us. I know he won’t want to hear from me again but I just wish that I could tell him how sorry I am and how I wish things might have been different between us. I want to thank him and tell him how much he means to me. More than anything I want him to be happy, even if it is with someone else.
Before I enter the book store, I try to compose myself. I can’t afford to appear weak today. If he senses my weakness then he’ll use it to his own advantage and destroy me.
“Where the hell have you been?” He barks at me, as soon as I open the door.
“I’m sorry; I came as soon as I could.” I reply meekly.
He looks at me with so much hatred and distaste. It makes me realise that the love he once suffocated me with is now long gone.
“What time did you wake up?” He asks, narrowing his eyes at me in disgust.
“An hour ago.” I mumble nervously, despising myself for revealing my fear to him.
“So it’s taken you an hour to get here? Maybe you need to start working here everyday and you might learn something about punctuality.” He snaps.
I simply nod my head in agreement, it’s not like I actually have a say in the matter. I make my way to the back of the store and open the door to the closet where I leave my jacket when I hear his angry footsteps behind me. He spins me around so that I’m facing him and I gasp when I see the furious expression on his face.
“What is it? What did I say?” I tremble, wondering what the hell I’ve done wrong this time.
“You said nothing and that’s the point! Have you lost your voice? Or have you decided to become a mute?” His voice is laced with sarcasm and cruelty.
I try so hard to remain strong. I want to close my eyes and block out his vicious words but it’s no use… I can’t do it. I long to be invisible and then I wouldn’t have to contend with any of this, all I want is to disappear.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper inaudibly.
“What did you say? I can’t quite hear you.” He waves his hand in front of my face as though I’m stupid and the can feel of his breath on my face makes me want to throw up. Everything he’s doing right now is to humiliate me and I hate the fact that he’s succeeding.
“I’m said I’m sorry. Of course I’ll work here everyday if that’s what you’d like.”
“Good, I need you to pay attention when I’m talking to you. Now get on with your work, make sure the bookshelves are clean and tidy up.”
“Yes Dad.”
The rest of the morning goes by so slowly, he watches my every move and I can feel his eyes on me wherever I go. I could maybe cope with his treatment of me if I knew I still had Jake but now that I’ve lost him everything seems so hopeless. I find myself questioning why I’m even trying. If this is what my existence is going to be like from now on then I’d rather not be here.
“Bethany, I’m going out for an hour. Don’t even think about going anywhere, I’ll be back soon.” He growls, shoving me out of the way to get his coat.
I nod my head in acknowledgement but this doesn’t appease him. He raises his eyebrows at me as though I’m dumb, forcing me to mumble yet another apology. He chooses to ignore me and slams the door on his way out. As soon as he leaves, I scurry to the back room and fumble for my iPod which I left in the pocket of my jacket. I have the next sixty minutes all to myself and I can’t take the silence for a moment longer. I’ll be in deep trouble if he finds me listening to music when I’m supposed to be working but I need to silence some of the racing thoughts I keep having about Jake. Hoping Rihanna’s ‘What Now’ will do that for me, I press play.
Unfortunately, I find myself being able to identify with the lyrics and her voice makes my heart yearn for Jake even more. I try so hard not to cry but after the way my father just spoke to me I feel even more fragile than I did when I first woke up.
Warm, relentless tears start to cascade down my face and I can’t even be bothered to try and stop them. I furiously wipe at my eyes with the back of my sleeve but they still continue to fall. I can’t believe that I’ve been so foolish. I’ve destroyed everything and I’ve ruined my one chance at happiness. Jake told me that he loved me last night. I had the perfect opportunity to say it back but I was so consumed with jealousy and anger. I ruined everything, I destroyed what we had… what we could have had. I’ve lost the love of my life and for what? It was all for nothing. I know that he’ll never be able to forgive me and the thought of Jake being mad at me breaks my heart.
My crying soon turns into sobbing and I lean against the desk, cradling my head in my hand. I feel so hopeless, how will I carry on? I’ll never hear his voice again, I’ll never see his smile or his eyes light up whenever he sees me, I’ll never feel his lips against mine, I’ll never know what it feels like to be held by him ever again. I’m now gasping for air, exhausted and inconsolable, the song is almost over and I know by the time it finishes I’m going to have to pull myself together.
I’m suddenly startled by a firm hand on my shoulder. I tear myself away, pulling my earphones out forcefully. I expected to see my father’s furious face staring back at me but when I turn around, its Jake’s brown eyes I collide with. I blink several times, trying to rid my eyes of their unshed tears. Any minute now I’m going to be able to see clearly and I’ll realise that Jake isn’t standing right in front of me after all. It’s all been a cruel figment of my imagination. I open my eyes again but he’s still there. I frown up at him in confusion. Am I dreaming? Is this a hallucination?
“Baby…” Jake whispers. He reaches out for me and wipes away my remaining tears with his thumb.
“Jake, what are you doing here?”
“Shh, I’m here now. You don’t need to cry.” He says softly, walking around to my side of the desk. He pulls me towards him until I’m locked within his powerful embrace.
My heart is beating so vigorously, I’m certain he can hear it.
“Jake, I don’t understand.” I mumble into his chest.
“It’s ok. You don’t have to worry about anything; everything’s going to be ok.” He continues to stroke my hair, whispering comforting words into my ear.
“I can’t believe you are really here.” My voice is hoarse due to the amount of tears I’ve already shed. I try to pull away from him, wanting to see his face but he refuses to let me go, tightening his hold on me.
“I don’t want to let you go yet.”
“But I need to see you.”
He quickly releases me, changing his position so that he’s standing right in front of me.
“How is it possible that you’re here?”
He remains silent, running his fingers through my unruly hair, stroking the strands of it between his fingertips.
I abruptly realise where we are standing. We’re in my father’s bookstore and he could be back any moment. The realisation of this makes my stomach churn and my knees begin to shake.
“I’m sorry I startled you. I didn’t mean to creep up on you like that. I tried calling your name but you didn’t hear me.” He nods his head towards my iPod and I realise that my earphones are still blaring. I hastily turn it off before shoving it in my pocket.
He smiles at me weakly and I finally notice how exhausted he looks. He has dark circles underneath his eyes and there’s stubble on his face that I haven’t seen before. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.
“It’s ok. I just never expected to see you here.”
“I know I shouldn’t be here but I had to see you. I’ve been calling you every ten minutes since last night. I needed to know that you were ok, even if you don’t want to see me again… I had to know that you were safe. I wouldn’t have been able to rest until I knew that you were alright.” He swallows anxiously and my heart aches for the amount of pain I’ve put him through.
“But how did you find me? I don’t understand…”
“I haven’t slept, I couldn’t. I’ve been going out of my mind with worry. I had to do som
ething; I needed to know that you were ok.”
“What did you do?”
“I went back to your gran’s house.” He licks his lips as though he’s really nervous, preparing himself for my reaction.
“What? Why did you do that?” I can’t believe he did this, I never expected Jake to go to such lengths to find me, especially after the way I treated him last night.
“Maybe it was the wrong thing to do but I had no idea where you were or if I’d ever see you again. I was desperate and I didn’t know what else to do.”
He sighs dejectedly and I have to fight every instinct in my body that’s screaming out for me to embrace him. I’m the one who’s to blame for all of this and Jake doesn’t deserve it any of it.
“What did you tell her?”
“Don’t worry; I didn’t go into too much detail. I told her was that we’d had a row. I said that it was all my fault and that I’d caused you to run away, I said that I was still anxious to know you had made it home ok. I told her I was worried in case your father had caught you sneaking in late.”
Always & Forever Page 24
